11/10/2023
"I was an alcoholic and an addict before I took my first drink.
Long before any consciousness-changing chemicals entered my body, I was always looking for an external solution to my internal problems.
I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome at the age of three. Looking back, I always felt crippled by an onslaught of sensory overload.
The smallest sights, sounds, and social interactions completely overwhelmed my senses, rendering me incapable of coping with everyday life. As a result, I always tried to escape, and I sought things out that took me outside of my body and mind.
In the years leading up to my first encounter with mind-altering substances, I became addicted to praise, validation, video games, and collectible toys, such as Pokémon cards and Beanie Babies.
Those things might not have been addictive drugs, but they still gave me a 'hit' of external satisfaction.
When I got drunk for the first time, I experienced a destructive epiphany: I didn’t have to face my fears or deal with my underlying mental health issues directly. Moreover, I could artificially overstep them by imbibing a poisonous, euphoric chemical. Sadly, it came at a steep price.
As a result of my decision to pursue a life of mollifying chemical oblivion, I abandoned all of my previous passions in pursuit of my next drink. It started out with fairly suburban consequences.
I would show up to school hung over and get a bad grade on a test, or show up high to a piano recital and give a poor performance. Eventually, the consequences escalated.
I crashed my car into several other cars under the influence of alcohol. My addiction progressed from alcohol and cannabis to co***ne, benzodiazepines, prescription opioids, and eventually he**in, crack, and fentanyl.
Still, I thought my use of drugs was justified – even with the abscesses from intravenous injections, seizures, and complete desperation. I thought that the drugs were the only thing that made it possible for me to cope with life, but they were really what was killing me.
On June 13, 2016, after hitting rock bottom, I decided to go to rehab for myself. It wasn’t my first time, but this time, I didn’t go to escape any consequences. I didn’t go to temporarily get my parents or my friends off my back. I did it because the 'solution' I thought I had found through chemical escapism didn’t work anymore, and I needed to find another one.
I found my new solution in recovery, and my life is more beautiful than I ever imagined in active addiction. I have a job, house, girlfriend, son, and another baby on the way. I have the trust of my family back, and I have reignited my passion for writing and music.
More than any of that, I have made peace with my sensory overload, and I use it to power my sober self-actualization instead of my destruction.
One day at a time, we do recover – and you can too."
Benjamin L.
Vermont
496 Words
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Thank you to Benjamin for submitting your story and photos for publishing.