New Worcester News

14/11/2020

in the immortal words of Dominic Cummings' favourite policitla genius Otto Von Bismark, "Wankers gon w**k"
https://siindependiente.wixsite.com/website/post/cummings-achieves-quantum-w**ker-superposition

Key Government advisor and malevolent cartoon testicle Dominic Cummings yesterday ascended beyond the realm of political analysis and into quantum physics when his status apparently became being a) fired, b) on garden leave, c) a dick, and d) working from home, simultaneously. In light of conflictin...

15/08/2020

Examination shambles continues as ancient local bloke given a D in Classics for some reason.

https://siindependiente.wixsite.com/website/post/ronkswood-pensioner-somewhat-surprised-to-have-a-levels-downgraded

Local pensioner Arnold Grafspee, 78, of Mersey Road, was shocked and concerned at having his A-Level results in English and Classics reduced to a D, especially as he "hadn't set foot in a fu***ng school since the Fifties." Ofqual's algorithm, aimed at standardising exam results affected by the Covid...

14/07/2020

They've done WHAT in protest at wearing masks???!

https://siindependiente.wixsite.com/website/post/local-tories-cut-off-members-in-protest-at-minor-inconvenience-that-could-save-thousands-of-lives

Local Conservative Party supporters have cut up their members - oh I am sorry, membership cards - in sheer disgust at the Government's plan to make inadvertently infecting people in shops with a potentially deadly disease a fineable matter. Worcester party co-chair Nigel Rectal-Fisher tweeted a pict...

14/07/2020

we're now on Twitter!

Our editor runs the account and won't give us the log on details. We're a little worried as he's quite old-school and uses some salty language! The old w**ker.

https://twitter.com/new_worcester

The latest Tweets from New Worcester News (). Worcester's newest news site about news in Worcester. Worcester, duh.

10/07/2020

Sunak in Worcester, Bosch!

https://siindependiente.wixsite.com/website/post/sunak-visits-worcester-while-world-burns

Chancellor and background Vulcan from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Rishi Sunak visited Worcester Bosch on Thursday morning following the announcement of his joke business support scheme. Mr Sunak, who qualified for the job of running the country's economy by virtue of marrying a girl who's Dad's a fuc...

06/07/2020

local man 'loves' the flag

https://siindependiente.wixsite.com/website/post/local-man-in-committed-sexual-relationship-with-union-jack-flag

Jeremy Smith has become the first man in the Worcester area to openly declare his romantic love for the Union Flag, commonly known as the Union Jack, as well as freely disclosing that he is "sleeping with it. Yes, like that". Smith, a 35 year-old animal dietician from St Peters, took the unusual ste...

05/07/2020

Local DJ assaulted after playing Level 42 and nothing else

https://siindependiente.wixsite.com/website/post/local-dj-assaulted-after-playing-level-42-and-nothing-else

Part-time Worcester DJ and accountant Alan Crevice, aka 'DJ Darth Fader', was booed, assaulted and ultimately forced to stop playing in his triumphant return to the decks post-lockdown in little-known watering hole Ye Olde Worcester Tavern last night, after playing a set solely consisting of songs b...

05/07/2020

Ghislaine Maxwell found dead in cell three weeks from now

https://siindependiente.wixsite.com/website/post/ghislaine-maxwell-found-dead-in-cell-three-weeks-from-now

Celebrity nonce-facilitator and actual Bond-villain daughter Ghislaine Maxwell, who was arrested yesterday, has been found dead in her cell in a New York state prison in three weeks' time. Maxwell, who spent almost a year 'on the run' whilst staying in one place - a f**k-off massive mansion in New H...

05/07/2020

"I'll eff you up, you flying rat b@ !!" - local councillor loses s**t at seagulls.

Again.https://siindependiente.wixsite.com/website/post/back-from-iraq-an-exclusive-interview-with-u-s-commanding-generals

Worcester city councillor and rabid reactionary nutjob Colin Colliery today took aim - again - at the city's problem seagull population. Speaking today outside Worcester's Guild Hall, where he was seen earlier swinging a tennis racket at thin air, Cllr Collier (Conservative, obvs) vowed to draft in....

05/07/2020

Leave EU admit they "can't believe you fell for this s**t ladz!"

https://siindependiente.wixsite.com/website/post/a-tour-of-the-united-nations-hq

Leading figures from the Leave EU campaign, who are now running the whole country, today admitted that the whole concept was done "4 the lolz" and the latent fascism it enabled was really just "gravy". Shadowy mastermind and shaven vulva-impersonator Dominic Cummings was quoted by a member of the pu...

05/07/2020

https://siindependiente.wixsite.com/website/post/peace-talks-among-nations-yields-great-promise

No it's not that Worcester news. This is the New Worcester News, nothing to do with Worcester News, which remains Worcester's best-loved and oldest local newspaper (apart from Worcester Advertiser, Worcester Observer and Berrow's Worcester Journal) This fresh new news site will put you, the people,....

05/07/2020