Paroxysm

01/03/2023

07/08/2022

you can feel the vibe

30/04/2021

"undestined, yet chosen"

You easily fall, he said.
But honestly I choose him.
I choose you and did fall
like how river flows,

It was a submissive act
But your voice
became a perfect melody to me
And then everything about you
Even your obvious flaws flaunted
I still choose to be drawn and that's a fact.

Eventually I went crazy
Those different streams
That screams sanity
Yet choose you insanely

Then Right after buts,
I swam out by the river,
Have I been swimming alone again?
Or I was aware that I've been in depths solely

You let me enjoy,
Those roller coaster talons,
I'm leaving this for good,
And choosing to left before you could.
sai

30/04/2021

'just maybe'

you and her
your worlds line together
looking so fine
i wish you were mine

eyes were blurry
hearts were battling
souls are made to marry
yours and hers, everlasting

mind can obviously think
hearts can also beat
but when you and i are on the link
she will slice the string under the heat

staring on my phone
all day fooling myself
thought you're into me down the bone
an illusion indeed, not as tiny as an elf

days had passed
been happy inside your embrace
smiles are ready to last
with you i am willing to run the race

hearts, love, purity
everything is dancing gloriously
as high as my sanity
willing to taste the line curiously

for a moment i thought
our story is starting to roll
your hidden heart is what i sought
deep inside it, i took the crawl

the smile i displayed
like a bubble, immediately vanished
i felt like i was being played
with your love, i was famished

there i saw her
inside your soul
it's her, only her
bathing in pearls on a bowl

the bowl of your love
has immediately destroyed
instantly, i flew like a dove
for my tears to be hidden, fastly employed

it's her all along
i was trapped inside the confusion
you and her all months long
while you and me was an illusion

you love her
i love you
you adore her
i still love you

no more questions
i can see it clearly
under the suggestions
she's beautiful, dearly

frozen, i smiled
it's okay, i'm okay
this is mild
i will just lay

just maybe you and i
just maybe it wasn't an illusion
just maybe we were able to fly
will it be an easy solution?

moonlight, you're watching her
under the stars kissing like a baby
if it was us, would you be sincere?
maybe you'll say yes, just maybe, just maybe

sh.

18/06/2020

Im sorry.

You know its harder for the person receiving the apology, than the one who makes the apology right?

31/05/2020

Those words inside my heart.
It's probably 1,000 words
But in the end I couldn't said a single word.

26/05/2020

Yes! I always tried to look good most specially in the crowd, for me to be "in" in this "kind" of society. Because no matter how i tried to be "me" no one's gonna accept me. I don't please anyone, but to atleast "live" . "Hypocrites" , we all are. Yet, sometimes i hoped people would have been able to face reality, and live, the way we all wanted to.

26/05/2020

i don't expect much anymore, specifically by the last one who broke me in hundred pieces.

23/05/2020

Basically, I'm not surprise to be left anymore..
I'm used to it.

22/05/2020

'unlovable'

laugh, smile, grin
everything becomes unclean
i keep on asking myself
why can't i feel like an elf?

my whole life was a lie
i wish i could die
i thought it'll be easy
to love and to cherish me

i was wrong
I'm sick all along
i found my new face
sitting in a different place

expert on using my charm
that's exactly who i am
i love making people adore me
i love using them for free

but am i really like this?
being torn inside a fist?
am i being a brat?
or am i hiding something inside my hat?

i thought i saw a lady
reflecting in a mirror
this lady was a baby
but, still holding a scissor

should i cut my bitchy face?
it wasn't that presentable
or should i turn my pace
because i know i am unlovable.

-sh

18/05/2020

'drowning'

days gone by
it flew so high
will they ever cry
if i chose to die?

can't find reasons
why i can't smile
shivering seasons
every once in a mile

call me vulnerable
i won't even mind
life can be unpredictable
if I always stand behind

i can smile in a camera
like i was never lonely
a little euphoria
can't make me feel sexy

is sexiness
next to loneliness?
is darkness
next to lightlessness?

if that's the case,
what caused me to lace?
why can't i be happy
and remove all the worry?

i am stuck alone
don't wanna be known
i wish i was a drone
that can fly on my own

i was caged
in a lonely page
in my own book,
i can't even take a look

slowing my motion
to continue dancing
if sadness was an ocean
i am drowning

-sh.

09/05/2020

'Mask off"

Happiness and pain
are twin of feelings to gain
peel of the banana
and and taste the sweetness inside

Tower of happiness
Falls of devastation
how can I smile sweetly
When I'm in pain in reality

they pretend they ardor
but the truth they shut off the door
you gave your genuine care
but you're used and drain
'sensation of massacre

Used to be the toy
that people enjoy
but I'm not that girl
Who do tricks anymore

Pick yourself up
firmly stand up
Pretentious me
Face reality without plea

Wounds will be heal by time
Let it go all out and cry
For your regard and worthy
You're love and its worth the try

Let me bow down
And said goodbye
I'll be signing off
And take my mask off.

sai

04/05/2020

'Over dawn"

I woke up 2:15 in the morning
I stared blanky at the ceiling
Wondering why I can't stop this feeling
loving and grieving

the sorrowful love
that scar's my fragile heart
heaving with sobs
my heart decided to stop

the love that is left behind
I shed my tears and vowed for goodbye
excruciating by this pathetic feeling
and decided to change my ending

farewell my first love
I'll be freer than the clouds above
I will restore the days we've been
So I won't have to remember them again

my love must disappear
even I saw a glimpse of fear
something just hit me
you'll always special and dear to me.

Time check 4:17
sai

03/05/2020

👉'how can i even hold you?'👈

first glance, i already knew
don't even know what to do
you captured me in a snap
i held tight without a gap

i love you through words
we soared high like birds
i kept my heart at calm
but with you, it dances on prom

i treasured every chapter
of us sharing our laughter
baby, our love will last long
for i know it's very strong

you make me happy
you set my heart free
i helped you find yourself
we never looked for someone else

i never doubted your love
for i know it's a gift from above
everything became at ease
once our souls together breezed

but, how can i continue
to endlessly love you?
how can we stop the emotion
when all of these was an illusion?

love isn't enough
to make us fight together
yes, our love is so tough
yet, it's light as a feather

i want to stay beside you
believe me when i say i do
i want to hold you forever
to prove how my love can conquer

but, how can i do these
if our worlds were never at ease?
we were bonded by heart
but, we were totally apart

how can i touch you
when i don't even know where you belong to?
our worlds will never reach
for that, we don't have to be teached

baby, i'll always hold tight
i will never let go of you
but, if our worlds can never be reached by light,
how can i even hold you?

sh.

01/05/2020

'Scenery of Mystery "

Once in a bluemoon
I found a dungeon
Afraid to take a step back then
But you held my hand and came in

Those creepy thoughts I had in my mind
Vanished as you caressed my cheek, and gave me a smile
Suddenly I became blind,
As I thought I'll be walking with you in the aisle

Days, months, and years had past
Blissful time will never last
For I had to cry and run too fast
Cause you revealed your colors and your mask

Chain of mystery
Let me escape from reality
Cause once in a bluemoon
I'm trapped in the dungeon.

sai

30/04/2020

'when will i be okay?'

tears are welling
but just a secret
didn't get much of the healing
i thought I'd forget

been through the darkest abyss
but only me knows
i will surely miss
the place of sorrows

never thought it'll be this tough
to fight my own army
never ever heard my genuine laugh
never thought I'll be my own enemy

fighting my emotion
neglecting every light
couldn't find the perfect explanation
of why i cry at night

can't remember how i got here
can't even thought I'll sleep in fear
wanna shout everything at once
and just be happy at one glance

am i gonna be like this forever?
or angels will save and come my way?
when will my tears be lesser?
when will i be okay?

sh.

30/04/2020

A Wave of Nostalgia.🥀

How long has it been?
Ever since I'm fifteen?
I noticed you once
But didn't notice to be further than twice and thrice.
Delusion of you can see me, was merely eternity.
Your laughter at her.
Your disappointments of me.
Never be the apple of your eye
Because I'm a peace of your sore eyes.
But the glimpse of those eyes saying I should stay and say Hi?
But actions speaks louder than words,
You push me away and made boundaries and holes.
I look at you far away
Even I don't want to be in this way.
Seeing you happy without me
crept a pain inside me.
Wanted to neglect you,
But this pains pamper my heart already.
Yearning of you.
Repulsion for me.
You fond in my heart.
You loathed me hard.
Should I say goodbye, and forget this bizarre feelings of mine?
This wave of nostalgia wanting to stop this dilemma.
How long has it been and now I'm seventeen. 🍃
sai