14/05/2022
Where have I been?
So it’s been over a year since I released an episode. I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long. Last year I started this process and got off to a good start but I fell off. That’s where dealing with your own mental health struggles comes in. I was doing the podcast which I love but working a job that I didn’t, all while dealing with bipolar disorder and postpartum depression.
Basically all last year I didn’t see my therapist. I was surviving on my medication which was - thankfully - adjusted throughout the year. Thank God for phone visits with my psychiatrist and the coping mechanisms I’ve worked on over the last 6 years. I’ll be honest I was surviving but I was not thriving or really an active participant in not only my life but my sons life and my marriage. While working a job I didn’t enjoy being at, I was also going through the process of getting clearance for gastric bypass surgery - which meant meeting with a different therapist. Again, thank God for telehealth visits.
In November I got the clearance and scheduled my surgery for December 8th. My job didn’t deem this a medically necessary procedure and were not going to give me time off to do the surgery. So I quit. I had the surgery December 8th as scheduled, and to this date have lost around 85 pounds.
This long entrance brings me to what I want to share with y’all and that’s grief. The grief of losing who I was as the “fat funny friend,” the loss of my identity. I recently took the opportunity to go back to therapy since my new job gives me a day off during the week. I’ll be honest, before I met with my therapist I thought I was losing my mind. I mean I’ve lost 85 pounds, I should be shouting from the rooftops and be celebrating this accomplishment! I mean it’s what I’ve wanted for a long, long time - to be smaller. Now, how this ties into grief. I was trying to explain this to my therapist to no avail; then I remembered I was talking to my best friend about this feeling I was having. I didn’t realize at the time it was grief. So I read her the text which said: “Like I should feel grateful for being in a smaller body. I mean that’s what I wanted right? Then why am I so depressed and feel like being in a smaller body is wrong.” So here’s the thing, people. When you mix a rapidly changing body with postpartum depression and bipolar disorder you think you are just getting a depressive episode. For some people maybe. For me I was experiencing a huge amount of grief. Grief wasn’t talked about in my classes or meetings or therapy sessions before the surgery. Grief came unexpectedly and with a force that hit so hard I didn’t know to tell it “You hit like a bitch.” So I’m here with y’all in my safe space sharing my story with you. I’m in therapy every other week to find me again, to work through the grief of losing a part of myself I didn’t know I’d lost. I’m finding out who I am in this smaller body which I hope is just me, the funny caring loving hardworking person I’ve always been - just smaller.
If you stuck around this long, thank you, and remember: sharing your story helps others feel not so alone. I’m always here to listen. Love you all.
