09/04/2021
What I have always (miserably) failed to do is to live in the present.
I spent my entire life planning, thinking, overthinking ten years ahead of time. And when I say 'plan', it doesn't mean oh I want a successful life.
I had vivid imaginations of 'our' sunny, spacious two stored house, white linen curtains with tiny block print flowers flowing in the summer breeze, Beli ful (Arabian Jasmine) plants in the balcony and piping hot tea during rainy days, a room dedicated to books, records and writing supplies, how my twins will look like and what my father in law will read with his morning tea.
I never imagined my life out of ordinary. This is what every Bengali woman can easily attain. I was so sure about that hypothesis that I took it for granted that I will have a very controlled, predictable, simple-happy life.
I lived in that imagination with so much confidence that it took me a while to accept anything less than that.
I have lived almost half of my life, and I know for a fact that most of it I just waited to get over with.
2017-2020 have been the most reformative years of my life. I have gone through so much mentally and emotionally that I actually didn't have the time to ruminate about the colors of the walls of my imaginary future house.
I am eternally grateful for the testing time I had to go through. It slapped me awake from that worthless, imagination stupor and stood me face to face with reality.
It's a blessing to be able to live in the present...a true blessing!
