04/10/2021
Ive been laying on my single bed for almost 2 hours now, I'm very wide awake but my mind is in a thousand places. I have to wake up the kids are already making a noise and Aunty is already very restless because they don't listen to her... I feel tears burning my eyes because I promised myself that today was going to be better than yesterday. I was going to. Wake up and be pro active, I was going to be a better mother, I was going to. Cook porridge and do so many things better than yesterday... But I'm still the same. The same picture of baby Jesus on the wall across me is staring into my soul, the curtain is still not closed properly on my side, that light that irritated me that creeps through that space is still there..the laundry I did weeks ago is still wrapped in that frill and my wardrobe is still a mess..i toss one more time trying to gather the strength to get out of bed.,my body is to lazy and my mind is in havoc. My age mates are at their own homes yet here I am in a small bedroom that I share with my 15 yr old son and 4 yr old daughter..please don't get me wrong I am very grateful for this beautiful shelter yet that doesn't make me feel any less depressed for being this old and stuck at home.. My or let me say our bedroom is small it has 2 single beds, a washing basket in between and a old wardrobe across. I share my bed with my daughter and my son sleeps alone... Im didturbed by Thando my daughter as she bursts in she is running away from my sisters son.... "tsek maarn awbini nglele LA awphume LA uvale is a Ha nx".. I immediately regret what I said bt my face says something else as I see my baby slowly closing the door. She is so used to. This yet it still saddens her.. I want to be better I need to stop being so angry but how can I do it....
