Fat Puppet

16/08/2024

The World’s Most Annoying Clockmaker

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How about this? The grandfather clock. It’s a clock that’s just like your grandfather. It smokes ci**rs and tells me I’m a disappointment?

14/07/2024

I Opened My Own Zoo Because That’s Where the Money Is

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Some zoos trade animals around to keep things fresh. But none of the zoos I talked to were willing to trade a rhinoceros for my ant farm.

30/04/2024

Metal Detectors Are Great, but Here Are Some Other Detectors I Want to See

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30/04/2024

Metal Detectors Are Great, but Here Are Some Other Detectors I Want to See

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Youth is fleeting, so you might as well start acting old now. That’s why I decided to buy myself a metal detector.

09/04/2024

The Eclipse May Be Over, but I’m Not Done Using These Glasses

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The worst part about glasses is that you always have to throw them away. It doesn’t matter what kind, they just don’t last.

03/04/2024

The Mystery of Stonehenge

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Some historians say Stonehenge was a sort of calendar. I don’t know what kind of calendars these historians are looking at, but I’ve never seen one made of rocks. So I think it’s safe to rule that one out.

18/03/2024

I Found the End of a Rainbow Even Though Rainbow Science Says It’s Impossible

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For me, the best part of rainbows is the gold at the end. I think having a bunch of gold is better than having a bunch of beauty. It’s like I always say, 'I’d rather be rich and ugly than poor and ugly.'

01/03/2024

Julius Caesar Revises the Roman Calendar

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Well look at our calendar. There are only ten months. And then there’s this sort of limbo period where we stop caring about months. And then we go right back into months again.

27/01/2024

People Keep Throwing Me Down Wells

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All’s well that ends well. Especially when you’re being thrown down one. People are always throwing me down wells. That, or running me out of town.

10/12/2023

Pinocchio Goes on a Date the Day After Coming Alive

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Hi, I’m Pinnochio. Thanks for meeting me at this bar. I love going to bars. I’ve loved bars the entire time I’ve been alive, which is about as long as you have.

04/12/2023

Santa Made Me Conductor of the Polar Express and I Messed up Big Time

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I had usually gotten fired for gross negligence. And a few times for grossout negligence. But at the North Pole, it didn’t matter. Santa’s pretty nice in that regard. He really only cares if kids are naughty. If you’re an adult who acts up, who cares, he says.

16/11/2023

Sitting Can't Be the New Smoking—It Isn't Cool Enough

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They say sitting is the new smoking. Whenever I take a seat, somebody tells me, 'May as well just smoke a pack of Marlboro Reds.'

01/11/2023

5 Cool Ways to Tamper with Your Candy this Halloween

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Then I realized there aren’t any laws saying adults can’t trick-or-treat. And so I did it. I came back with my pail of candy and looked for all the tampered-with ones, or as I like to call them, the fun ones.

18/10/2023

A Day in the Life of Dracula
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Time for your dental checkup. Looks like you have some inflammation in your gums. Do they bleed when you floss? If only.

23/09/2023

My New Outlook on Life Got Me Trapped in a Corn Maze
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The owner told me I could have a glass of apple cider. It seemed like kind of a crummy prize. Was it at least spiked? He said no because kids drink the cider too. As if a kid couldn’t appreciate a nice glass of spiked cider.

26/08/2023

8 Reasons You Shouldn't Buy a Vacation Home in the Jungle
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When I first got a place in the jungle, I realized there weren’t any outlets to plug my cool electronics into. I checked everywhere, even under a gross old log. But I couldn’t find a single outlet.

04/08/2023

I Took a Career Aptitude Test and My Result Was Henchman
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The testing people said I’d make a good henchman for two reasons. First, like I said, the test was kinda hard for me and I didn’t know what any of the questions were trying to ask. They said most non-henchmen people know what the questions are asking them.

14/07/2023

It's the 1600s and I Decided to Become a Pirate

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A good way to find a pirate is to look for the guys at a tavern with bad teeth. Unfortunately, pretty much everyone in the taverns has bad teeth. We don’t really care about things like oral hygiene in the 1600s.

23/06/2023

Benjamin Franklin Discusses His Failed Inventions

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Benny Boy, I’m going to be honest with you. Your inventions are kind of duds these days. What do you mean? I’m a primo inventor. Everyone loves my inventions.

16/06/2023

I Was the Least Elite Member in an Elite Dolphin Squadron

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You might not know this, but dolphins have sonar built into their heads. That’s why the military wanted them. Because they can sonarily find anything the enemy is hiding underwater, like mines or submarines or cursed treasure.

30/05/2023

Conversations I've Had Doing Door-To-Door Sales

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The biggest challenge though is that I’m not very good at the job. I had the lowest sales recorded in company history. Negative one sales, that’s my claim to fame.

20/05/2023

Duels I Got Into in the Wild West

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I drifted from town to town, and when I was in those towns I moseyed on through them. Always gotta be drifting or moseying, that’s the law of the Wild West.

28/04/2023

I Was Kidnapped by Carnies
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You know carnies–bad at planning. They’re actually bad at a lot of things if I think about it, like showering and being sober. But they’re especially bad at planning.

23/04/2023

The Time I Got Abducted by Aliens
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I figured they were going to do some research on me. I’ve offered my body up to science plenty of times for a quick buck, so I wasn’t too worried. Usually when you’re selling out your body for research, they aren’t allowed to mess you up too badly.

15/04/2023

The First Caveman to Become a Hunter

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Hello, Ugg. Sun is shining today. Hello, Ogg. Yes, good day for gathering. Ogg doesn’t like gathering anymore. Ugg not understand. If Ogg not gather, how Ogg eat? Ogg hunter now. Not gatherer.

07/04/2023

Things I’d Take with Me to the Afterlife If I Were a Pharaoh

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If you don’t know, canopic jars are the things that pharaohs had all their organs tossed into when they died. If there’s one thing I know about dead people, it’s that they don’t need organs anymore.

02/04/2023

My April Fools’ Day Pranks Always Backfire on Me

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The other thing is that you’ve got to make sure you aren’t ending up with the egg on your face after a prank. That can happen a lot, especially if you've got a prank lined up involving a dozen eggs and a trampoline.

22/03/2023

Why Your Kid May Need Greek Godfathers

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But the thing is, there are a lot of things a godfather won’t do. At the end of the day, it’s mostly on you to raise the kid. So I think it’s a good idea to give your kids lots of godfathers. If you play your cards right, you’ll barely have to do anything.