Fat Puppet

29/11/2024

The White House Would like to Apologize for This Year’s Turkey Pardon

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We were not aware that not only did the turkey know how to use a gun, but it had used one to rob several local businesses.

19/11/2024

Some Potions Are Better Than Others

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https://www.fatpuppet.com/posts/potions

19/11/2024

Some Potions Are Better Than Others

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The Lava Potion, which lets you wade through lava, sounds really cool at first. But then you realize, how often am I even around lava? And when I am, how often do I want to wade through it?

09/10/2024

New post published on McSweeney's! Check it out!

I hope you don’t mind, but my buddy texted me, and I told him he could stop by. I’ll warn you in advance, he can be a lot. But once you get to know...

16/08/2024

The World’s Most Annoying Clockmaker

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How about this? The grandfather clock. It’s a clock that’s just like your grandfather. It smokes ci**rs and tells me I’m a disappointment?

14/07/2024

I Opened My Own Zoo Because That’s Where the Money Is

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Some zoos trade animals around to keep things fresh. But none of the zoos I talked to were willing to trade a rhinoceros for my ant farm.

30/04/2024

Metal Detectors Are Great, but Here Are Some Other Detectors I Want to See

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https://www.fatpuppet.com/posts/metal-detector

30/04/2024

Metal Detectors Are Great, but Here Are Some Other Detectors I Want to See

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Youth is fleeting, so you might as well start acting old now. That’s why I decided to buy myself a metal detector.

09/04/2024

The Eclipse May Be Over, but I’m Not Done Using These Glasses

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The worst part about glasses is that you always have to throw them away. It doesn’t matter what kind, they just don’t last.

03/04/2024

The Mystery of Stonehenge

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Some historians say Stonehenge was a sort of calendar. I don’t know what kind of calendars these historians are looking at, but I’ve never seen one made of rocks. So I think it’s safe to rule that one out.

18/03/2024

I Found the End of a Rainbow Even Though Rainbow Science Says It’s Impossible

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For me, the best part of rainbows is the gold at the end. I think having a bunch of gold is better than having a bunch of beauty. It’s like I always say, 'I’d rather be rich and ugly than poor and ugly.'

01/03/2024

Julius Caesar Revises the Roman Calendar

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Well look at our calendar. There are only ten months. And then there’s this sort of limbo period where we stop caring about months. And then we go right back into months again.

27/01/2024

People Keep Throwing Me Down Wells

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All’s well that ends well. Especially when you’re being thrown down one. People are always throwing me down wells. That, or running me out of town.

10/12/2023

Pinocchio Goes on a Date the Day After Coming Alive

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Hi, I’m Pinnochio. Thanks for meeting me at this bar. I love going to bars. I’ve loved bars the entire time I’ve been alive, which is about as long as you have.

04/12/2023

Santa Made Me Conductor of the Polar Express and I Messed up Big Time

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I had usually gotten fired for gross negligence. And a few times for grossout negligence. But at the North Pole, it didn’t matter. Santa’s pretty nice in that regard. He really only cares if kids are naughty. If you’re an adult who acts up, who cares, he says.