Fat Puppet

09/10/2024

New post published on McSweeney's! Check it out!

I hope you don’t mind, but my buddy texted me, and I told him he could stop by. I’ll warn you in advance, he can be a lot. But once you get to know...

16/08/2024

The World’s Most Annoying Clockmaker

Check out the latest post on Fat Puppet!

How about this? The grandfather clock. It’s a clock that’s just like your grandfather. It smokes ci**rs and tells me I’m a disappointment?

14/07/2024

I Opened My Own Zoo Because That’s Where the Money Is

Read the latest post on Fat Puppet!

Some zoos trade animals around to keep things fresh. But none of the zoos I talked to were willing to trade a rhinoceros for my ant farm.

30/04/2024

Metal Detectors Are Great, but Here Are Some Other Detectors I Want to See

Read the latest post on Fat Puppet!

https://www.fatpuppet.com/posts/metal-detector

30/04/2024

Metal Detectors Are Great, but Here Are Some Other Detectors I Want to See

Read the latest post on Fat Puppet!

Youth is fleeting, so you might as well start acting old now. That’s why I decided to buy myself a metal detector.

09/04/2024

The Eclipse May Be Over, but I’m Not Done Using These Glasses

Check out the latest post on Fat Puppet!

The worst part about glasses is that you always have to throw them away. It doesn’t matter what kind, they just don’t last.

03/04/2024

The Mystery of Stonehenge

Read the latest post on Fat Puppet!

Some historians say Stonehenge was a sort of calendar. I don’t know what kind of calendars these historians are looking at, but I’ve never seen one made of rocks. So I think it’s safe to rule that one out.

18/03/2024

I Found the End of a Rainbow Even Though Rainbow Science Says It’s Impossible

Read the latest post on Fat Puppet!

For me, the best part of rainbows is the gold at the end. I think having a bunch of gold is better than having a bunch of beauty. It’s like I always say, 'I’d rather be rich and ugly than poor and ugly.'

01/03/2024

Julius Caesar Revises the Roman Calendar

Read the latest post on Fat Puppet!

Well look at our calendar. There are only ten months. And then there’s this sort of limbo period where we stop caring about months. And then we go right back into months again.

27/01/2024

People Keep Throwing Me Down Wells

Read the latest post on Fat Puppet!

All’s well that ends well. Especially when you’re being thrown down one. People are always throwing me down wells. That, or running me out of town.

10/12/2023

Pinocchio Goes on a Date the Day After Coming Alive

Check out the latest post on Fat Puppet!

Hi, I’m Pinnochio. Thanks for meeting me at this bar. I love going to bars. I’ve loved bars the entire time I’ve been alive, which is about as long as you have.

04/12/2023

Santa Made Me Conductor of the Polar Express and I Messed up Big Time

Read the latest post on Fat Puppet!

I had usually gotten fired for gross negligence. And a few times for grossout negligence. But at the North Pole, it didn’t matter. Santa’s pretty nice in that regard. He really only cares if kids are naughty. If you’re an adult who acts up, who cares, he says.

16/11/2023

Sitting Can't Be the New Smoking—It Isn't Cool Enough

Read the latest post on Fat Puppet!

They say sitting is the new smoking. Whenever I take a seat, somebody tells me, 'May as well just smoke a pack of Marlboro Reds.'

01/11/2023

5 Cool Ways to Tamper with Your Candy this Halloween

https://www.fatpuppet.com/posts/candy

Read the latest post on Fat Puppet!

Then I realized there aren’t any laws saying adults can’t trick-or-treat. And so I did it. I came back with my pail of candy and looked for all the tampered-with ones, or as I like to call them, the fun ones.

18/10/2023

A Day in the Life of Dracula
Read the latest post on Fat Puppet!

Time for your dental checkup. Looks like you have some inflammation in your gums. Do they bleed when you floss? If only.

23/09/2023

My New Outlook on Life Got Me Trapped in a Corn Maze
Read the latest post on Fat Puppet!

The owner told me I could have a glass of apple cider. It seemed like kind of a crummy prize. Was it at least spiked? He said no because kids drink the cider too. As if a kid couldn’t appreciate a nice glass of spiked cider.