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The Amusement Siren

Satire news on everything going off in the amusement industry. Yes, it’s not serious!

11/10/2021

**BREAKING NEWS**
The Starflyer ride at Hull fair has been closed due to a technical issue over the weekend.
The owners of the Starflyer irresponsibility closed the ride to ensure the safety of customers and their staff.
We spoke to a reporter from Hull Live who said
“We decided to run an article about the closure as it was a bit boring really. Everyone has been enjoying themselves and to be quite honest, we needed some clickbait!”
Angry customers stormed off from the scene as they were unhappy that they couldn’t put their children’s lives at risk because of the competent, responsible and caring Showmen and staff.

Pictured: Starflyer, Hull fair

25/07/2021

*BREAKING NEWS!!!!!*

Northern Ireland has been relocated to Ingoldmells, Lincolnshire!
The move took several Bobcat diggers and a crane, but was achieved over night.
Residents of Northern Ireland are said to be slightly startled as they went to bed in the Irish Sea and woke up on the east coast of England!

05/06/2021

*Breaking News*

Dozens of riders steal £1500 worth of lift hill walk off the Grand National, Blackpool Pleasure Beach.

Park owners were left dumbfounded when the Grand National roller coaster stopped at the top of the lift hill and dozens of riders had the audacity to walk down completely free of charge.
The experience usually costs anything between £50 and £150, meaning the park has lost out on a considerable amount on money.
A spokesman for the park said “I don’t know how we are going to claw back the money we’ve lost. We have lost so much all ready during lockdowns, this is just another nail in the coffin. We are considering contacting all of those who walked down and issuing them with a court summons to retrieve the monies owed.”
This isn’t the first time the park has had people steal lift hill walks. Only last month, 35 people walked down The Big One’s lift hill, which Is usually £50pp for the privilege.
The park is remaining vigilant and now sitting security guards at the top of every coasters lift hill.

Photo: Grand National, Blackpool Pleasure Beach.

15/05/2021

*BREAKING NEWS!*

Shocking weather in Lincoln today sees a twister spotted!

04/05/2021

*BREAKING NEWS*

A devastating accident happened at Butlins today when two dodgem drivers ignored the signs which stated “No head on bumping” and had a head on collision. The drivers are said to be in a critical condition of hysterics after their ‘bit of bants’ turned into a horror smash.
Mike, who was one of the drivers said “We saw the signs but thought what the hell, I’m gonna smash my mate in. It was quite funny really.”
A spokesman for Butlins confirmed there was substantial damage to both cars. Both will need a coat of T-Cut.

Picture: Dodgems at Butlins

27/04/2021

*NEW CHANGES TO MERLIN PASSES*

News has broken today that further changes have been made to the Merlin annual passes which has enraged devout MAP users.
From the 1st May, VIP passes will be available again but are exclusive to those with souls eligible to be traded to the devil.
All other passes will only allow access to Merlin attractions on every first Monday of the month when this coincides with a full moon.
Due to cutbacks, Merlin are asking all pass holders that wish to book splash landings at Alton Towers to bring a bucket of water per person, as this will help cut down the water bill.
MAP holders will no longer get a discount on food, beverages and gift shops, unless they choose to do 2 hours free labour sorting out the pick n mix.
Lanyards are also no longer available to pass holders as non pass holders are far too tempted to use them as a throttling device when passes are displayed like an Olympic gold medal around their necks.

Picture: Splash Landings water park at Alton Towers.

26/04/2021

*MAN LOOSES ARM IN HORRIFIC THEME PARK ACCIDENT*

Reports coming in that a man has lost his arm in a shocking theme park accident. The incident occurred at Flamingo Land this afternoon.
The man, known locally as Steve was about to ride Velocity when he took his rucksack off to place on the platform and his prosthetic arm flew off along with the rucksack, into some bushes below the loading station. A search by staff began, retrieving the rucksack but the arm is still to be located.
Steve told our reporter “I lost my arm to a tiger many years ago, last thing I need is to loose the prosthetic too as it’s like someone else is doing it, if you get what I mean!”
We’re not entirely sure what Steve meant by this but we are sending prayers that his arm is located.

Picture: Velocity at Lightwater Valley.

26/04/2021

*NEWS JUST IN*

A girl, aged just 5 years old was seen screaming to get off a set of LadyBirds this morning after a day out to her local park with her family. The girl and her mother have said to have been traumatised after it took 10 seconds for the ride to stop after her ear drum piercing wails began. One of our reporters on the scene managed to speak to a family member. “This is going to take a lot of getting over for poor Chardonnay. She really wanted to go in the Yellow ladybird but they put her in a red one. It’s absolutely traumatised her. She’s only 5 and is used to getting what she wants. We will be looking for compensation.”
The ride is currently back in operation but the owner of the ride has promised to look into painting all the ladybirds red to stop this from happening again.

Photo: The ladybird ride, opened in 1754

26/04/2021

*BREAKING NEWS*

25th April 2021.

The Big One at Blackpool pleasure beach was a scene of carnage today when disaster struck. The train of the 450ft roller coaster became trapped at the top of the lift hill, leaving thousands of people stranded, upside down and suffering sunburn with being so close to the sun up there. A spokesman for the Pleasure Beach said “It’s very rare for these thing to happen but rest assured, we got everyone down safely. We pulled in the help of the donkeys from off the beach to climb the lift hill and carry everyone down safely.”
An eye witness to the drama, Barry, 56 from Blackburn, said “I didn’t realise what was going off until I saw the donkeys parading through the park. I almost drop my pint of John Smiths and at these prices, I can’t afford to spill a drop. So I was right miffed.”
Despite the horrific scenes of yesterday, the park has confirmed that the Big One is now back open and running just fine.

Photo: The Big One on its opening day in 1972

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