A Codependent Mind

31/10/2024

If lying forms the basis of codependency then the antidote must be telling the truth. Unfortunately it is not that simple (or that easy!) In this episode we discuss the powerful tool that is the truth and how to learn to wield it safely and effectively.
Thank you for liking, rating, reviewing the podcast and the book. We appreciate your support and it helps others find us.
Get your Paperback or eBook copy of our book on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1
The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.
You can reach us at: codependentmind.com

17/10/2024

Building on the last episode's discussion of lying, we talk about how to act less like a lawyer and more like a detective when trying to answer the question "am I being codependent?"
Get your Paperback or eBook copy of our book on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1
The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.
Thank you for liking, rating, reviewing the podcast and the book. We appreciate your support and it helps other find us. You can reach us at: codependentmind.com

03/10/2024

Relationship tools are neither good nor bad on their own. In this episode we talk about three tools that are pervasive in relationships marked by codependency - lying, resentment and defensiveness. These were Brian's go-to tools in Brian's relationship toolbox. He learned how to use them very early in childhood in order to neutralize relationship threats. As an adult, however, they have not served him well and using them in our relationship caused a lot of damage.
Mentioned in this episode:
Season 4, episode 4: Trust (https://www.codependentmind.com/podcast-episodes/episode/6db6d080/s4-4-codependency-and-relationships-trust)
Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1
The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.

19/09/2024

Curiosity is an important tool for doing the relationship work of fostering understanding and deepening connection. In this episode we discuss the transformative power of curiosity, drawing on philosophical insights and evolutionary psychology. We explore how Brian's curiosity was stifled—both by external influences, like critical relationships, and internal struggles, such as fear and disassociation. By recognizing these patterns, he has learned to shift from a defensive posture to an active pursuit of knowledge and emotional exploration which has been critical for our relationship.

05/09/2024

Have you've been told or have you told yourself that 'relationships take work' as a reason to accept behaviours or a relationship that is not serving your needs? This season is about relationship tools, but we shouldn't use these tools to make a relationship work that isn't serving us. So what does 'work' mean in the to the context of a loving, healthy relationship? Brian and Stephanie discuss in the to the context of their relationship.

22/08/2024

Experiencing relational trauma and subsequent relationship disorders, whether codependency, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, BPD can make empathy challenging. Not that the feelings aren't there, but often the empathetic system is so wounded that it is difficult to stay in a place of empathetic responsiveness. But empathy is a critical tool in forming and maintaining intimate relationships. In this episode we discuss the role of empathy in our relationship, Brian's experience with empathetic woundedness and how it overcame them.

Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1
The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.

08/08/2024

In Season 7, we return to the theme of Season 4 with episodes that focus on relationships. What are some of the tools, concepts and practices that we feel keep our connection strong and loving? In this episode, we discuss a tool that is not generally applied to relationships - the Lean Startup Methodology (https://theleanstartup.com/principles). People with codependent habits often get in to relationships very quickly and then spend an enormous amount of time and energy 'making the relationship work.' Applying Lean Startup encourages us to redirect that energy into answering the question - 'should this relationship exist?' We discuss how to start your relationships in a Lean way and how we use the methodology in our lives.
Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1
The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.
Thank you for listening!

25/07/2024

In addition to reading the final chapter, Brian and Stephanie discuss what they learned in writing Part 2 of the book chiefly the power of re-writing stories and the intrangency of the codependent habits.
00:01:06 The road to recovery00:08:00 Re-writing stories impact00:17:06 Habits
The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.
If you are enjoying listening to the book, please leave a review on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review/?ie=UTF8&channel=glance-detail&asin=B0CYH7TMZ1

11/07/2024

Brian describes tackling the core codependent behaviors—feeling responsible for others' emotions, compliance, caretaking, people pleasing, compromising boundaries—that had been his default since childhood. Even after healing from the trauma and emotional wounds, he needed a new way of relating to people, seeing and valuing himself as an individual, and embracing an active role in his life.
- Identifying these codependent behaviors and their underlying motivations, like people pleasing out of fear rather than empathy, was essential.
- Recognizing signs of powerlessness, such as resentment, defensiveness, and dishonesty, helped him shift to personal agency.
- Awareness of his emotional responses and practicing being okay with disappointing others was also key to breaking free from these patterns.

Healing from codependency has been about cultivating honest, authentic, and connected relationships.
00:02:05 Getting to Know Myself
00:05:03 Developing Personal Agency
00:07:30 Boundaries
00:13:07 The Codependency Habit
00:20:05 Breaking the Habit

The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.

30/06/2024

When I was young, I received signals from my environment — my family, my friendships, my community — that the world was unpredictable, chaotic, hostile and sometimes violent. The codependent behaviors allowed me to feel some measure of control in situations where, as a child, I had very little power. The problem with the set of behaviors, clustered together under the heading of codependency, is that outside of that initial environment, they became maladaptive. Meaning, they began to prevent me from finding and creating the kinds of relationships with other people that I desperately needed and desired, ones in which I felt seen, safe and connected.

The Making and the Re-Making of a Codependent Mind: A Journey Into and Out of Codependency

30/06/2024

Read or listen on Amazon. The audiobook is also available on Spotify. The Making and the Re-Making of a Codependent Mind: A Journey Into and Out of Codependency

The Making and the Re-Making of a Codependent Mind: A Journey Into and Out of Codependency

27/06/2024

In this chapter, Brian reflects on the complex interplay between memory, emotion, and narrative. Reflecting on various pivotal experiences, he realizes that many of the stories he told himself were crafted not to reveal truth but to evade uncomfortable emotions like shame. These narratives, often based on partial truths or outright fabrications, served as shields against facing his true feelings and the realities of his past. Through introspection and external guidance, he begins to unravel these tales, revisiting each with a critical eye to uncover buried emotions and reassess his behaviors. This painstaking process, though painful and destabilizing, gradually frees him from long-held shame and fear, revealing a clearer, more authentic understanding of himself and his life experiences. By confronting and rewriting his stories, he finds a path to genuine self-awareness and the possibility of living authentically moving forward.
The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.
If you are enjoying listening to the book, please leave a review on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review/?ie=UTF8&channel=glance-detail&asin=B0CYH7TMZ1

21/06/2024

When I was a small child my dad’s anger felt like a threat to me, as did my mother’s distress and depression.

How Threat Responses Become Trauma Responses

When I was a small child my dad’s anger felt like a threat to me, as did my mother’s distress and depression. Fighting or fleeing was not an option for me. The freeze and fawn responses were the only ones available and that’s how my body became conditioned to respond to threats. When I met my abusive friend G, that conditioning was fully activated. When I was being verbally or physically assaulted, I froze, let it happen, and waited for it to be over. Once the attack was over, I would go into fawn mode, to do everything I could to try to keep him from attacking me again, for as long as I possibly could. It didn’t ever occur to me that I could flee (by leaving the friendship) or fight back, even if it were just to tell my parents or teachers what was happening.

The abuse itself, the experiences of the abuse, combined with my responses - these were getting stored in my body. Subconsciously, I was becoming more and more practiced at recognizing when the next round of abuse was coming and anticipating it so that I could more quickly deploy the freeze or fawn response.

Going forward, if I experienced anything that my body interpreted as a similar interpersonal threat, whether it was truly a threat or not, it would produce the same physiological responses, sending me back into those original experiences.

Instead of an adaptive threat response, one that would optimize my chance at safety, I was experiencing a trauma response. Trauma had hijacked my ability to respond to certain types of threats in effective ways. Rather than responding to an actual threat (which sometimes it may be, of course), I would wind up responding more to an idea, a kind of muscle memory — a phantom threat. I wasn’t able to assess the threat potential head-on, since the trauma I had experienced had been attached to the feeling of threat.

Freezing and fawning as a response to abusive behavior isn’t a good long-term or permanent solution. If there is an angry or entitled person demanding something from me, freezing, fawning and giving the person what they want may solve the immediate problem, but will create much bigger problems down the road. It’s likely going to lead to people taking advantage of me over and over again and make it difficult for me to leave relationships and situations that are unhealthy for me.

As well, I would perceive these threats in behaviors that were not abusive like
someone disagreeing with me, and respond in similar ways. I was both inadvertently tying myself to abusive people who took advantage of my freezing and fawning behaviors and building a wall between me and everyone else, when it came to establishing emotional intimacy.

The Making and the Re-Making of a Codependent Mind: A Journey Into and Out of Codependency

The Making and the Re-Making of a Codependent Mind: A Journey Into and Out of Codependency

18/06/2024

Latest episode. The healing finally begins.

In this Chapter, Brian chronicles the arduous and emotionally challenging process of healing from trauma. He recounts his realization that his conditioned freeze and fawn responses to perceived threats, stemming from childhood experiences with his parents and an abusive friend, were hindering his ab...

04/06/2024

Leave a comment and let us know. Thank you 🙏🏻. And thank you for listening.

16/05/2024

The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms.
If you are enjoying listening to the book, please leave a review on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review/?ie=UTF8&channel=glance-detail&asin=B0CYH7TMZ1
In this chapter, Brian describes his mental and emotional state at the end of his relationship with J when he met Stephanie. As their relationship develops, he gets a glimpse of the kind of intimacy he always wanted, but his codependent habits start to threaten their connection and he has some tough decisions to make.
After the reading, Brian and Stephanie discuss writing Part 1 of the book and the learning and growth they experienced in that process.
Thank you for liking, reviewing and following the book and the podcast, it helps other people find us.
Contact us: [email protected]