23/05/2021
Co-Parenting with a narcissistic, toxic co-parent...somebody needs to hear this...
In an upcoming book, I write about the co-parenting aspects of narcissistic abuse. The key for anyone dealing with a toxic, narcissistic co-parent — by necessity or involuntarily, is keeping your emotions out of the reach of their behavior and recognizing that you’re dealing with an emotional “Kidult.” The disconnect from empathy and the depraved indifference of a Kidult, drives their destructive behavior. Understand, a narcissist will use children as pawns in their games, and a garbage can to deposit their poisonous garbage about the other parent. For as long as they possibly can. But if you maintain a healthy standard for dealing with them, the child will eventually recognize the craziness and benefit from your non-participation. The narcissistic co-parent will, inevitably, even turn on their own child if/when the child isn’t completely loyal/compliant to their craziness.
To the extent possible, you manage the narcissistic co-parent by mastering the art of anticipation. Narcissists need fuel, reactionary and easily provoked participants, for their emotional games. They relish in the power to be puppeteers and to manipulate or control other people’s emotions. This is why it is important for you to “Resist and Remove” yourself from their game.
Narcissist are, behind their craziness, fragile, insecure and emotionally immature individuals — Kidults. To effectively co-parent with these emotional Kidults you have to:
1) Cut off all conversation and interactions that don’t expressly relate to the children. As tempting as it might be or as normal as it would be under any other circumstance, do not forget who you’re dealing with and do not let a moment of good behavior lure you into thinking that the narcissist has changed. With narcissists who have not changed, their moments of decency are like recesses between the hell.
2) Practice responding with no response. In other words, take your emotions out of it. The less you sponsor their emotional tirades with emotional reactions, the less power they have, the sooner they’ll recognize their behavior cannot and will not reduce you to being emotionally manipulated, and the sooner they will be reduced to a flicker rather than a flame.
3) Do not participate in poisonous, toxic, dysfunctional conversations/exchanges. If engaged with poisonous or toxic or dysfunctional conversation, develop a canned, emotionless response — i.e, “I’m sorry but I won’t participate in negative conversations as a means of achieving our goal of being healthy co-parents. Let’s talk again when we can honor our goal.” Be consistent with cutting off negative conversations and removing yourself if at all possible from them — calmly and nonthreating. They will be initially stumped and irritated by your refusal and drop dead seriousness about not participating in their crazy. Be willing to reopen necessary conversation when they are able to do so. If they don’t reengage the conversation and there is an important matter to be discussed or resolved, send the details by text and know they received it whether they acknowledge it or not.
4) Be The Light for your child. The positive force in their life. Do not refer to the narcissist co-parent in any way negative to your child or, say anything to anyone (including the narcissists family members and protectors) that you don’t want repeated or to add fuel to the narcissists adolescent, insecure fire. Keep your conversations with your child focused on your child’s feelings, emotions without discussing the narcissistic parent in derogatory/unhealthy ways. Remember, the narcissist is your thorn but they’re your child’s parent — good, bad or indifferent. Your goal is to offer your child a counterbalance to the narcissists craziness and to ensure that your child is comfortable talking to you about their feelings. You’re your child’s listener, safe place to vent, but do not throw gasoline on the fire. Your counterbalance will train up your child to see and understand the difference between controlled and out of control emotions.
5) Set and maintain healthy boundaries that remind them of and reinforces your attempt to be a healthy, respectful co-parent to honor your child. And whatever you do, stick to your boundaries even if it initially infuriates them that you are withdrawing from their game and establishing healthy and reasonable rules for co-parenting. Don’t be tempted to relax your boundaries when, and it’s inevitable, the narcissist tries to love bomb you to seduce/manipulate you back into their game.
6) Communicate in advance. Confirm appointments or deviations from agreed upon schedules far enough in advance to minimize the narcissists need to argue for the sake of arguing over last minute changes/notices.
7) Record and Repeat: Record and document every call with an abusive narcissist. I would even suggest including someone who is neutral to listen in on and be a witness to the abusive narcissists conversations. This may be fruitful if you ever have to go to court. Repeat by text and/or email (whichever is the most effective) every agreement with the narcissist who frequently feigns amnesia.
8)Formalize custody agreements. If you haven’t done so and need to, have a formal/court ordered custody agreement. Nothing gives a narcissist power like no rules. Visitation days and times including holidays and birthdays, summers and vacations, need to be spelled out in detail so as to take all power away from the narcissist to manipulate and create chaos around visitations.
9) Do not tolerate threatening behavior. If necessary, get a retraining order for an abusive, malignant narcissist co-parent. Child support and visitations aren’t altered by restraining orders. It just alters/neutralizes the interactions — for communication, drop offs/pickups, and may require a neutral location or a neutral third-party for the exchanges. There is also an option to have a court appointed “Guardian Ad Litem” (“GAL”), who is (neutral) person, usually a lawyer, who looks out for the “best interest of a child.” You can request that one be appointed in family court. The GAL serves as a lookout and investigator into any and all matters that effect the child — including abusive co-parents.
You don’t have power to change a narcissist, you can however choose the role you play in their insidious game. Prayer should not only be focused on the narcissist but also on your own strength to keep your emotions out of their reach. Understand, you aren’t their therapist or God, you are protecting your child/children by minimizing the effects of the narcissists behavior. They may never change — they have free will of choice, but remember, you aren’t in it for the rest of your life, you’re in it for the rest of your child’s adolescence/pre-adult years.
Prayers for your strength!
