17/12/2014
{Search for your favorite character's letter in alphabetical order}
If I ask for a lump of coal will you fret?
Because this is a paradox to make St Nick sweat.
Since, if you bring me the coal, that would mean that I am naughty
But if you bring me naught, then I'm not! This is knotty!
Hope not-enough to drive you nuts, got it?
Nicely Nutty: ADAM RHETT.
I won't ask for power. Not to be king, earl or chancellor.
Nor riches I'll ask. None request of that calibre.
I have just one wish. Here it is, short and sweet.
Not having to explain "steampunk" to every person I meet.
Would you do that for me?
Sign: the AIRSHIP AMBASSADOR.
Dear St Nick, here's one wish that I got,
'Tis to spy everyone, wether they like it or not.
Like they'll do in a future America.
You will see. You just wait. It'll be hysterical!
Please grant me that now.
Scotland Yard's ALBEN SCOT.
St Nick, here's my wish. Please don't mar it,
Bring me a diamond this big, hundred carats.
Also gold, silver, gems... and some beer.
In fact, bring the brew -- forget the rest, St Nick dear.
Tally ho! Your ol' chum ALE BARRET.
St Nick, bring me a chef knife -- also bring her some suture
And I want video games -- also fix her computer
Hey, stop that! This is my own Christmas list!
-- I know. I'm just asking for stuff you will need to subsist
AMELIA DREIDOPPEL -- and HERSELF FROM THE FUTURE.
St Nicholas, I thought we agreed in the past
You won't write me more letters and the last was the last.
Please don't ask me for pictures with my shirt off
I know you're a fan, but enough is enough!
Yours truly: Captain CHANCE VON THUNDERMAST.
Dear St Nick, there are rumors that I hope you'll overlook
About me being naughy. Don't trust that gobbledygook.
I have only one wish that I want. That's my highlight
You'd be kind enough to get rid of that pesky Lila?
I would thank you a lot.
You're true friend: CHASTITY HOOK.
St Nick, you'll find a bit odd a letter from this suitor
But I'll go right to the grain, since I am a straight-shooter
You've been avoiding to register software for a score
Do you want to do it now? What d'you say, guv'nor?
You click'd "Remind Me Later."
Sigh! and signed: Oscar Lerwill's COMPUTER.
This year, dear St Nick, I may have a conundrum
Weather wish for peace on Earth or a similar humdrum
Since if I ask what I want I may seem a bit pettish
Would you bring me a whip to whip up my fe**sh?
Eh, screw peace on Earth!
Bring me a whip. MR HUMBAUGH.
Dear St Nick, if I may share you a thought
Red velvet on a frock makes a terrible coat!
It's not that I find your fashion sense tacky per se
But wear something more shapely... would you wear a corset?
I can fit you into one.
Your dear friend, Miss GRACE WATT.
I hope you read this letter before starting your ride
And that I'm in your "nice list," St Nick. Much obliged.
Please grant the small wish of this we**am stripper
And come save myself from the Whitechappel Ripper.
Yours truly (and please hurry), your friend LILA DECLIDE.
Please bring me a new husband, but not one too geriatric
Nor too young -- I don't want to become too pediatric.
Since, you know, he may die at the drop of a hat,
For a self-helping-widow what's the sport on all that?
This time bring me a fun one.
Signed, Mrs MERCY KILPATRICK.
Forgive me St Nick if this is not ladylike
But Europe needs a new war -- and this is how we will strike:
Give the Queen's presents to the Czar of Russia
And the gifts of Bavaria? Just hand them to Prussia.
I will handle the rest.
Your partner in crime: OBBIE SPYKE.
Dear St Nick, for this season I'll ask you for nil
Other than puzzles to test my elite hacking skill
Bring everyone firewalls, antivirus, encrypt all files with fervor
And by the way, if I may, I just cracked into your server
What's with all those Von Thundermast's pics?
Your ol' friend, super hacker Mr OSCAR LERWILL.
For this Christmas, I'd like to be an elf
A St Nick's little helper, fly on your sleigh like a bell.
Down the chimneys I'll go... they all sleep... all is well.
Find the ol' Christmas tree... and then blast it all to hell!
Please grant me that.
You ol' mate, DR SHELL.
When they say "Merry Christmas" I respond with a "Bah!"
But then I can't avoid to give charity! I'm so weak! Ugh!
What illness makes my heart so generous? Do I need penicillin?
Why can't I have the real putrid soul of a real super-villain?
Make me real evil, St Nick. Pretty-please?
Nauseously Nice: PROFESSOR UHH.
