KAT of The Ponds (2024)

09/04/2023

Happy Easter! 🐰

the Easter story will always be a reminder to me that the sun/son will come again. knowing that after any dark friday i experience, a healing sunday morning will eventually come.

that has been our experience, especially recently. this baby feels like the sunday morning after a really dark 3 days (or 7 months 🥲) & i will be forever grateful for the sunshine this little life has brought back into ours ☀️

27/03/2023

happy little moments in march 💓

17/03/2023

here we go again!! baby pond #2 coming October 2023 🤍

we’ve never been more excited or terrified at the same time, but we feel so lucky to get this chance to grow our family again 🤰🏼✨

11/03/2023

barbados will always have a special place in our hearts 🌊💓 our little island of hope 🤞🏼

09/03/2023

Barbados Day 1 🤍 filled with much needed sunshine & delicious food!!

05/03/2023

we have officially survived 6 months without Edie. we’ve been without her almost as long as i carried her in my belly. in some ways these 6 months flew by & this milestone snuck up on me, but in other ways it feels like it’s been forever since that happened.
i walked into the hospital one version of myself & walked out a completely new person when i was forced to leave my baby’s body inside. looking at pictures of myself before September 4th, 2022 feels like looking at a stranger. my life will forever been split into two stories, before Edie & after her.
conceiving, carrying & meeting Edie are some of the most scared experiences of my life. she taught me to love unconditionally. she filled me with purpose. she brought Nick & I even closer together. she taught me empathy. she helped me understand true loss, something that really put the small inconveniences in my life into prospective. & best of all she made me a mama.
not a day goes by that i don’t miss, think about or feel gratitude for my little girl. i cannot believe it’s been 6 months 💔👼🏼

20/02/2023

28 better be great 👍🏼

10/02/2023

POV: my camera roll this week 💓

15/01/2023

one of my 2023 goals is to document more of our day to day life & have more pictures of us together! skiing has become such a fun little escape for us this season & i couldn’t be more grateful ⛷️✨

13/01/2023

life lately ✨
-dad’s doughnut shop opened ( ) & it’s been a huge success!!
-previously mentioned doughnut shop opening has made me really tired lol
-our pets are starting to like each other more
-& we ski literally every free second we have. it’s the first season i actually feel like i know what i’m doing ⛷️🙌🏼

01/01/2023

hello 2023 👋🏼 i am excited to see what you have in store 💓

01/01/2023

goodbye 2022 💓
this year will always be special. we finally started our family. we traveled. i was pregnant (a life long dream of mine!!). we moved. we started our TikTok. & we met our first born daughter.
in some ways i’d like to live in this year forever & never move on without my baby. it sucks starting a new year without her. 2022 will be the only year we ever shared together, so it’s hard to leave behind.
but i am hopeful for 2023. i hope it is full of peace, healing & ease. i used to make big goals for tangible success or wealth or habits or babies in the new year, but i’ve learned that those rarely go as planned for me. i don’t have as much control over those things as i previously believed, so i’m just hoping for these feelings. no matter whatever life throws at us, i hope to feel grounded, stable & happy. that’s all i’ll ask for 2023 🤍
(but i’ll take a healthy baby if it’s in the cards 🤞🏼)

29/12/2022

keeping the matching christmas PJs tradition alive just a couple days late 🫶🏼

25/12/2022

merry christmas from Austria!!! 🎄 we are thinking of all of our fellow infertility & loss parents who may be struggling today. we are right there with you & hoping this is the last holiday season without our future babies 🤍
xo, The Ponds
(these pictures are from Austria, but we are actually back in the states in the longest airport lines we’ve ever seen 🤪)

22/12/2022

traveling from fairytale land to fantasy land!! (literally!!! this castle was the inspo for the disneyland castle 🤯)
& somehow our next spot is going to be even more magical!! i cannot wait to show you what we are doing 🥹🫶🏼

21/12/2022

this trip with you is bringing the light back into our life ✨

19/12/2022

i was SO looking forward to the week of Dec. 18th-christmas. more than anything in my whole life. we would’ve carefully driven home from the hospital with our newborn baby girl in the back seat. All the houses covered in snow & christmas lights. We planned to spend that week just us 3, no one else. We were going to watch all of our favorite christmas movies & cuddle our little miracle baby until christmas day when she would’ve met her grandparents, aunts & uncles. i had it all planned out from the moment she was placed in my belly. this week was going to be my ultimate dream come true.
so naturally, days after we got home from the hospital, i had a break down & told nick i HAD to be gone this week. my heart could not handle being in my home with my baby’s ashes when she should’ve been in my arms.
so thanks to nick (& mare!) we are here mourning the loss of our baby girl in Europe. i am SO grateful to be here & under any other circumstances this trip would be a dream come true. and it still is, but i would’ve traded anything in the world to be home with Edie this week. absolutely anything.
this week is going to be good. this week is going to be healing. this week is going to be fun, exciting, new & special, but it will also be hard. i’m learning that everything in my life will feel this way moving forward. every new experience; exciting but hard. i’m grateful to have the opportunity to do happy things during the hard. i am grateful to have a husband who is doing all the hard right along side me. i am grateful for our people & the outpouring of love we’ve received these past 3 months. it’s weird how that can be, but the opposition is so deep. i am heartbroken & so so grateful. welcome to grief, i guess ❤️‍🩹

18/12/2022

because we did IVF we’ve known December 18th would be Edie’s due date since Jan. 2nd, 2022. 8 whole months of anticipation & excitement, & then 3 months absolutely dreading it.
Today was supposed to be special. I know babies usually don’t come on their due date, but she either would’ve been here already or nick & i would be saying to each other “today might be it!” either way it should’ve been a good day.
we should be starting our journey through life together today, not had it cut short already. i wish i could hear you cry. feel your chest rise & fall as you breathed air. i wish today was full of newborn cuddles & coos. i wish i could’ve see you lock eyes with your dad for the first time. i wish my last bump photo was full of excitement, not heartache. i wish i had more photos. more time. i wish you were coming home with us. i wish you were here.
today hurts the most since the day you left us. i don’t know how we’ve survived so far.

08/12/2022

i think our 4th year together will always be the one i am most proud of. we got nick’s final, heartbreaking infertility diagnosis. we figured out a way to start our family in another country after YEARS of trying! we loved on our first baby for 6.5 months while she grew in my belly. we moved (again). we became parents & said goodbye to our baby all in one day & we did it all together. our 4th year will always be a special one. i am excited to see what the 5th has in store for us 🤍

03/12/2022

my favorite puppy dog is THREE 💙
i never understood how great dogs were until we got Ryder Guy. he is the sweetest & has brought so much life & happiness to our life through some really crappy times. we love him SO much 🎉

26/11/2022

the happiest thanksgiving with my favorite turkeys 🤩🤍🫶🏼

24/11/2022

the closest thing we’ll be getting to a family photo this holiday season. i should be on baby watch right now, not at disneyland in regular fitting jeans. it’s breaking my heart that the only photo with my daughter from now on will only be with her name, not her cute little self. hoping to recreate this picture many more times with a couple more littles in our arms instead of above our heads. trying to be grateful we can include her in little ways like this still, but wishing this wasn’t the case 🤍

18/11/2022

nick & i have been working so hard on a million new projects & opportunities we have coming up, so we’ve been doing weekly coffee dates to get stuff done. it’s been so fun trying all the different coffee shops here in utah too!!

i have also been LIVING in my new checkered wide leg pants from ! they are the perfect mesh of professional & functional while still fitting into my personal style. plus they are SO comfy!!! i have literally worn them almost every day this week lol. use my code: KAT10XG (code is only active for 24 hours!!) let’s match 🤩

05/11/2022

grieving is hard as it is, but doing is publicly is a really strange experience.
don’t get me wrong: we love our community & mostly enjoy sharing our experience, but it’s definitely made me hyper aware of how i “should” be grieving or how others are grieving similar situations. when i’m sad, i am wondering if i am too sad? when i’m happy, i feel extremely guilty.
i feel like people expect me to feel a certain way about different days/experiences. it’s been so confusing to sort my feelings & allow them to come naturally vs. how i “should” be feeling.
i have found that the big dates & milestones are actually a lot easier for me. it’s the anticipation of them that sucks, but it’s almost never as hard as i imagine them to be. then i feel awful because i’m not as sad i thought i would be. i start to question “is something wrong with me?” “why am i doing okay?”
the flip side though is that i randomly get hit with DEEP sadness by the littlest things. catching a glimpse of my flat stomach in the mirror after i shower. random songs coming on in the car. passing restaurants we ate at while i was pregnant. it’s never the big stuff. for example, yesterday was 2 months since Edie was born. i was totally fine? felt like a random day, honestly. i’m sure i’ll have a breakdown in a couple days over something little though.
anyways. all i am saying is no one knows how to grieve till they are actually doing it & then it’s typically completely than you would’ve predicted. it’s okay to be happy. it’s okay to be sad. it’s okay to be mad, overwhelmed, sensitive, excited, etc. & give people who are grieving a little grace. let them feel their feelings without any judgement. we’re doing the best we can 🤍

29/10/2022

we are hitting another painful milestone today: my baby shower date & almost 2 months since i gave birth to my baby girl. i would’ve been 33 weeks along today.

i have had my baby shower planned for yyeeaaarrrrsss. the theme, the food, what i would wear, the people i’d be surrounded by. it was the thing i was looking forward to most other than meeting her. part of me is happy it hadn’t happened yet because having a room full of her things would’ve been heartbreaking & now i can use my baby shower plans for our next babe & it will be even more special, but today still hurts.

we’ve been trying to make this morning special still by going to my favorite coffee shop, touring my dream apartment just for fun & getting outside (it’s so beautiful today!!) some days i think i’ve beat grief & i am doing okay, but then days like remind me that it’s still there. it probably always will be which is fine. i actually like the idea of it never going away because it’s a reminder that i loved (& still love) Edie so much. i like being forced to think about her a little extra on days like this.

she would’ve been celebrated so big today at her shower. just because she’s in heaven doesn’t mean we can’t still celebrate her now. today is for you baby girl. i miss you.

23/10/2022

2 pictures taken at the same place 2 years apart 🤍
the second photo was taken 2 weeks before our first fertility consult where we found out that Nick was diagnosed with azoospermia. i wish i could go back to that photo & give those versions of us a little heads up about what was coming.
reflecting back on the last 2 years is kind of surreal. i thought i had considered the worst case scenario & prepped myself for what was to come, but it ended up being even harder than i could’ve imagined. i didn’t even consider not having biological children with my husband AND THEN losing the baby we worked so hard to get here. if i think too much about it it makes me really mad lol.
but look at these pictures!!! we thought we loved each other 2 years ago, and we did, but you can literally FEEL the love we have for each other through the first picture (not that photos on social media mean ANYTHING, but you get the point). it was the first thing i noticed when i put these photos together. it almost makes everything we’ve dealt with feel like it was worth something. i am so proud of us.

18/10/2022

i am pretty dang proud of myself for going to this pumpkin patch last night. if you would’ve asked me to go a month ago you would’ve gotten a huge “hell no” from me.

i was so looking forward to this holiday season with my big, pregnant belly. my baby shower was going to be this month & we were going to do a “friendsgiving” instead of traveling for thanksgiving because i would’ve been too pregnant to go anywhere. then christmas was going to be the most magical experience because our girl was going to be with us.

after we lost her i was adamant that we boycotted all holidays & their activities this year. i felt like every single activity would be triggering & sad & you know what? they are. they are sad & happy at the same time.

if grief has taught me anything it is that two emotions can exist at the very same time. so now all of my happy experiences are mixed with a little bit of sadness too & that’s okay.

i am proud of myself for showing up to these things that feel scary, triggering & sad because in doing them i feel a little happiness i would’ve missed out on if i decided not to go. i am certain that Edie would rather me be slightly sad at a pumpkin patch than extra sad in my room. i know in grief it can feel hard to start to experience things again, but i promise experiencing them sad is better than not at all.

15/10/2022

sharing Edie’s story in honor of 🤍 we will be lighting a candle in her honor tonight at 7:00pm if you’d like to join us. she lit up our world in ways we could’ve never imagined.

23/09/2022

between the two of us we’ve probably been to disneyland hundreds of times (at least 😅) & only yesterday we found out about the EDELWEISS snacks stand 🥹 so tender to be reminded of our girl at our favorite place.

this day was all sorts of magical & exactly what we needed. i’m so glad we decided to make this trip happen as minute. there’s nothing disneyland, a bread bowl & a hot, fun husband cannot cure 🤩

19/09/2022

a few days ago, we said our final goodbyes to our sweet Edie 👼🏼✨ (scroll on by if you don’t want to see pictures of her)

my whole pregnancy i had dreamt of the bows & outfits i’d put little Miss E in. we had hit 24 weeks (viability) the week before, so i finally started to let myself make purchases for her since we were “in the clear.” this bow was one of those purchases & it got to the house 3 days after her passing. it was heartbreaking getting that delivered, but i am grateful they came in time for me to have a chance to see her in it at her viewing.

one of the hardest parts of this whole situation was deciding how to celebrate her little life. burial services are ridiculously expensive. gathering everyone we love and planning funeral services felt daunting, but doing nothing at all seemed cruel.

after a lot of back & forth, we settled on a private viewing just me & nick. it was perfect & exactly what we wanted. being together just us 3 one last time was extra special. we kissed her cheeks, sang to her, talked about how much we missed her & said our final goodbyes. i felt so much peace knowing she is where she’s supposed to be & that she will be watching over us forever. it was the closure i needed to start healing.

as painful as this all has been, i know she’s been near to us because of the immense peace we have felt during such a horrible time. i know she’s with her siblings telling them about us & all the love we have to share with them. i am sure she will guide our path to getting them here safely one day.

i feel so lucky to have birthed my very own guardian angel, but i cannot wait for the day i get to hold her in my arms again. i’ll see you in the stars, baby girl. love you forever 🤍

KAT of The Ponds

09/04/2023

27/03/2023

17/03/2023

11/03/2023

09/03/2023

05/03/2023

20/02/2023

10/02/2023

15/01/2023

13/01/2023

01/01/2023

01/01/2023

29/12/2022

25/12/2022

22/12/2022

21/12/2022

19/12/2022

18/12/2022

08/12/2022

03/12/2022

26/11/2022

24/11/2022

18/11/2022

05/11/2022

29/10/2022

23/10/2022

18/10/2022

15/10/2022

23/09/2022

19/09/2022

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