When love isn't safe

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When love isn't safe When love isn’t safe, it’s not love. Learn the signs of abuse, coercive control & stalking—and how to protect yourself.

10/05/2025

Coercive control doesn’t leave bruises.
It leaves confusion.

It’s not about yelling or hitting—it’s about slowly removing your freedom.

It hides behind:

“I’m just trying to protect you.”

“Don’t you trust me?”

“I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I’m only doing this because I love you.”

It’s silent punishment. Controlling your time. Undermining your confidence.
It’s a thousand tiny cuts instead of one obvious injury.

That’s why it’s hard to name—and even harder to explain to others.

But just because it’s subtle, doesn’t mean it’s not abuse.

Coercive control is strategic.
It’s dangerous.
And it’s illegal in the UK.

09/05/2025

When someone’s being abused, they might lie for their partner.
They might defend them.
They might make excuses.

It’s not because they’re stupid.
It’s because they’re scared.
Or trauma bonded.
Or ashamed.

Sometimes, it’s safer to protect the abuser than risk what might happen if the truth comes out.

Sometimes, it’s easier to pretend it’s fine than face the heartbreak of admitting what’s really happening.

If you see someone staying, defending, or denying—don’t judge.
They might be surviving the only way they know.

08/05/2025

Love bombing is not real love—it’s control dressed up as romance.

It looks like:

Constant messages, compliments, gifts

Saying “I love you” way too soon

Wanting to move in or get married quickly

Needing to be with you 24/7

Making you feel like you’ve found “the one”

It feels intense, exciting, magical.
But it’s too much, too fast.

Love bombing isn’t about connection—it’s about creating emotional dependency.

When someone floods you with affection before you know who they really are, pay attention.

Healthy love grows slowly.
Manipulation speeds in and takes over.

07/05/2025

Abuse often follows a pattern—what’s called The Cycle of Abuse. It looks like this:

Tension building – you feel them getting colder, snappier, more distant

The incident – an explosion, outburst, silent treatment, or other abuse

Reconciliation – apologies, excuses, gifts, promises to change

The calm – things feel “better”… but only until it starts again

This cycle can repeat for years.
The calm tricks you into staying.
The hope keeps you stuck.

It’s not your fault for hoping they’d change.
But it’s okay to stop hoping, too.

06/05/2025

Trauma bonding is one of the hardest parts to explain—and one of the hardest to untangle.

It happens when someone keeps hurting you and being the one to soothe you afterward.

You feel:

Addicted to the highs and lows

Relieved when they’re kind again

Scared to leave, even if you know you should

Loyal to someone who keeps hurting you

It’s not weakness. It’s your brain reacting to chronic stress and inconsistent care.

Trauma bonding makes abuse feel like love.
Because the person hurting you also becomes the person you depend on to feel safe again.

That’s not your fault.
That’s manipulation.

If love feels like addiction, fear, and relief all at once—it might be trauma bonding.

05/05/2025

Gaslighting is emotional abuse. Full stop.

It’s when someone makes you question your memory, your judgment, or your reality—until you don’t trust yourself anymore.

It sounds like:

“I never said that, you’re making it up.”

“You’re too sensitive.”

“That’s not what happened.”

“You’re crazy.”

“You're just being dramatic.”

Gaslighting is a way to confuse and control.
It makes you easier to manipulate and less likely to leave.

If someone constantly rewrites your reality, that’s not a communication issue.
That’s abuse.

If someone makes you question your reality, over and over—
That’s not love. That’s gaslighting.

04/05/2025

Sometimes, you don’t realise it was abuse until years later.

You didn’t call it that at the time.
You just felt:

Confused

Anxious

Small

Unworthy

Alone

You told yourself, “It’s not that bad.”
You told yourself, “It’s just a rough patch.”
You told yourself, “It’s probably me.”

But abuse doesn’t need your permission to be real.
Just because you didn’t call it abuse back then, doesn’t mean it didn’t harm you.
You are still allowed to grieve it.
You are still allowed to name it.

You didn’t need to call it abuse for it to be abuse.

03/05/2025

People often ask: “Why didn’t you just leave?”

Here’s why:

Because we didn’t realise it was abuse.
It didn’t start that way. It built slowly, under the disguise of love.

Because we were scared.
Leaving is often the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship.

Because we were isolated.
They made sure we had no money, no transport, no support.

Because we were trauma bonded.
The cycle of love and cruelty created a powerful psychological trap.

Because we were ashamed.
What if no one believes us?

If you're still in it, still processing it, or still healing from it—this is for you.

You weren’t weak.
You were surviving.

02/05/2025

The Power and Control Wheel was developed by survivors to show how abusers use tactics beyond physical violence to gain control.

It includes:

Emotional abuse

Isolation

Minimising, denying, blaming

Using children

Economic abuse

Intimidation

Coercion and threats

Male privilege (or entitlement)

These tactics often overlap. They keep you off balance, afraid, and dependent.
We'll break down each one in future posts.

01/05/2025

Abuse rarely starts with rage.
It starts with flattery. Intensity. Fast-moving commitment.
It looks like love, but it feels like pressure.

Then come the subtle shifts:

A joke that stings

A demand disguised as a suggestion

A punishment disguised as a mood

And before you know it, you're second-guessing everything—your words, your thoughts, your worth.

Abuse builds slowly.
So slowly, you barely notice it’s happening.
Until one day, you realise… you’re not yourself anymore.

That’s not weakness. That’s bravery.

30/04/2025

Let’s bust some myths.

Myth: “It’s only abuse if there’s physical violence.”
Truth: Abuse can be emotional, financial, psychological, or digital—and still destroy a person’s life.

Myth: “If it was really abuse, they would have left.”
Truth: Many survivors stay because they’re afraid, isolated, traumatised, or financially trapped. Leaving can be dangerous.

Myth: “They’re just jealous because they love you.”
Truth: Jealousy is not love. It’s about possession, not care.

Myth: “They’re just under a lot of stress.”
Truth: Abuse is a choice. Plenty of people are stressed and don’t control, belittle, or frighten their partners.

Abuse hides behind these myths. Let’s stop giving it places to hide.

29/04/2025

If It Makes You Feel Confused or Afraid, It’s Worth Paying Attention To

Not all abuse feels like abuse at first.

Sometimes it just feels like:

Constant confusion
Fear of saying the wrong thing
Feeling guilty all the time
Doubting your own memory
Feeling like you’re always the problem
If someone’s love makes you feel like you're slowly disappearing…
If their behaviour leaves you anxious, unsure, and constantly on edge…
Pay attention.

Abusers don’t usually start with violence.
They start with a mask.
And they take it off, piece by piece, once they know you’re attached.

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