07/05/2025
AITBF for not reminding my partner about plans?
u/Dogsbookssays,
Context: I'm divorced (45F) and my kids go to my ex's every other weekend. I usually spend most of my kid-free weekends with my partner (54M), who lives about 40 minutes away from me.
I haven't seen my friends in a while, so I checked with him a week ago whether it would be ok for me to have some girlfriends over after work on Friday, and asked if he would like to come over later on to meet them. He had said yes, and that we could figure out the details later (important, see screenshot).
Thursday evening, we're talking on the phone and he asks me what time my last meeting is on Friday (he often comes over Friday when I'm done with work). I told him, but reminded him that I was having my girlfriends over. He first said that we hadn't agreed on this plan, and when I sent him the screenshot, he got pretty upset with me and kept insisting that it wasn't a plan because I didn't follow up on it.
He works at a hospital downtown and was saying that it wasn't right to just expect him to sit around the hospital after work, etc., and that I should have reminded him, etc. It was pretty frustrating because he kept insisting that we'd both forgotten about it (I hadn't — I'd invited my girlfriends over and assumed he'd made his own plans after work).
He gets really defensive and does not like to accept fault for things, so he kept insisting that I admit that I'd forgotten, that it wasn't a plan, and that I was at fault for not bringing it up and reminding him. I was feeling belittled, and so I asked to take a pause.
Like I said about the pause, he responded, "Don't you know what a pause is?! A pause until when? An hour? Until tomorrow? You have to say when a pause is until?"
We'd agreed to pause until tomorrow, but I thought about it, and he's generally really good to me and is kind when I am stuck on things. I'm autistic, and it's hard on me when plans change, so I was trying to be kind.
We recently started couples therapy, and one of the techniques besides the pause is the do-over. So I called him back and told him I loved him, and I knew he was looking forward to seeing me, and apologized for catching him off guard and asked if we could have a do-over.
That didn't work — he was really dug in on making sure that I accepted part of the blame, and that I should be reminding him, and that we hadn't agreed on me having friends over.
The next morning, I woke up to a text from him saying that he loved me but was angry at me, and reiterating his point that the plans weren't set and that I wasn't seeing my part in the misunderstanding. And I just feel so beat down and small, but clearly he thinks that I'm a huge AH.
I tried to use the couples therapy techniques of pauses and do-overs, and he just is so insistent that I accept blame for wanting to have my friends over and not reminding him. It feels like such a stupid thing to end a relationship over — I told him I didn't care if he forgot and it was fine if he didn't want to come over, but he just focuses on being right.
I'm at my wit's end in this because this is what happens every time — there will be something somewhat unpleasant and he gets so defensive and blows everything up. He always apologizes a few days later, but in the moment, he stops being the kind guy he is 98% of the time and becomes someone who wants to make me feel bad and wants to be right more than anything.
And I'm sure he'd say that I'm not flexible and that I don't own my part, but I felt like I asked pretty clearly if it would be ok to have some girlfriend time.
So AITBF for not reminding him about the plans?
