Objectively Bad Games

06/12/2019

MAGRUNNER: DARK PULSE - Episode 2: Nice Work, Chamberpot

Puzzle games - even blatant ripoffs of Portal like this one - are easier when there is a man cajoling you from the seat next to you.



WATCH THE WHOLE EPISODE HERE: https://youtu.be/eLpADH6yA0U

23/11/2019

MAGRUNNER: DARK PULSE - Episode 1: Hydroponic Elevator

I don't understand why this absurdly over-sized facility is growing tomatoes in all the elevators. Nothing makes sense here.



WATCH THE WHOLE EPISODE HERE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsZVxAw8WDY&t=3s

I don't understand why this absurdly over-sized facility is growing tomatoes in all the elevators. Nothing makes sense here. *...

12/11/2019

FACEBOOK EXCLUSIVE! It didn't take us long to discover that this was a stupid minigame dressed up as a cool indie title, so we didn't get enough footage for a proper YouTube video. Instead, enjoy this short episode, only on Facebook!

14/10/2019

Darkness Assault - No Gun, No Fun

Darkness Assault? More like Darkness Insult, because it's dark, and it's an insult to gamers everywhere.



WATCH THE WHOLE EPISODE HERE: https://youtu.be/7ryerC8uqlg

Darkness Assault? More like Darkness Insult, because it's dark, and it's an insult to gamers everywhere. ***********************************...

02/10/2019

Driving School Simulator - Episode 2: Powered By Angry Bees

There's nothing like an endless commute from hell to really make a person want to learn how to drive!



WATCH THE WHOLE EPISODE HERE: https://youtu.be/yv72Iv6wKsg

There's nothing like an endless commute from hell to really make a person want to learn how to drive!

24/09/2019

Driving School Simulator - Episode 1: My Car Doesn't Have a Keyboard

Picture, if you will, a terrible emulation of GTA where the driving is much jankier, there's nothing to do, and nothing ever happens. That's this game. It got us talking about flacid bagettes, though, so that's something.



WATCH THE WHOLE EPISODE HERE: https://youtu.be/rOuTnHWzpyQ

13/09/2019

Enforcer: Police Crime Action

In Enforcer: Police Crime Action, we spend more time trying to figure out how to enter the car than we do solving crimes. We also commit a fair number of crimes ourselves, including breaking the laws of physics.

WATCH HERE: https://youtu.be/BjzSjUa8e8A

11/09/2019

Gynophobia - Episode 3: Ketchup Pants

Those pants are so shiny, so red! I just wanna lick 'em!

WATCH HERE: https://youtu.be/D1Y9LZuxnYA

09/09/2019

Gynophobia - Episode 2: Mandatory Zombies

It turns out the zombie thing isn't a mini-game, it's part of the game itself, and cannot be skipped. And it sucks so, so much.

WATCH HERE: https://youtu.be/ExWhOFjPCug

06/09/2019

Gynophobia - Episode 1: A Hefty Sack

For a game that's supposed to be about a fear of women, Gynophobia sure is about spiders and zombies!

WATCH HERE: https://youtu.be/68OnF2pp4Fs

04/09/2019

What do you get when you combine The Omen series with poor graphics, a clunky interface, and a HUD that requires you to look through the back of a little boy's head? Why, Lucius, of course!



WATCH THE WHOLE EPISODE HERE: https://youtu.be/By8yi6MD2y8

02/09/2019

Ohhhhh, Dream Dealer, I believe you can get me through the niiiiiight.

This video is much shorter than our videos usually are. Sorry about that, we could only handle so much of that fake-ass Aesop Rock wannabe.



WATCH THE WHOLE EPISODE HERE: https://youtu.be/KVCavN1US28

28/08/2019

I think you everything you need to know about What's Under Your Blanket?! 2 can be summed up with the following quote: "You can't ma******te as fervently as you were, because you'll catch yourself on fire."



WATCH THE WHOLE EPISODE HERE: https://youtu.be/tbIlBP1f1dg

26/08/2019

Miner Ultra Adventures is tremendously, magnificently, unabashedly horrible in every way a game can possibly be. The graphics are horrible, the music is just the same 30 second MIDI track of the Gilligan's Island theme song repeating over and over again, the controls are... wow... there aren't even words to describe how atrocious they are, the camera has basically developed sentience and is actively mocking you the entire time, parts of the map aren't rendered because gamers NEVER try to explore maps looking for secret stuff, and on top of everything else, your character is constantly drifting to the left.

All of this is compounded by the fact that this game relies VERY heavily on jumping puzzles.

Even if somebody pays you to play this, you're still getting ripped off.

Five stars.



WATCH THE WHOLE EPISODE HERE: https://youtu.be/JIdDGydJ_FE

23/08/2019

Deep Space Dash: Even 99 cents is 99 cents too much for this blurry, migraine-inducing nightmare of a game. And we got it on sale for 40% off!



WATCH THE WHOLE EPISODE HERE: https://youtu.be/Tu86o1UwMhc

21/08/2019

This episode - the second and final installment of Mike's playthrough of Battle for the Sun - is extra long, so that you, too, can feel the pain that Tom felt both in watching this, as well as in editing it. For years we've suffered for our art; now it's your turn!



WATCH THE WHOLE EPISODE HERE: https://youtu.be/MRI9XSyl7xo

19/08/2019

19/08/2019

19/08/2019

Battle for the Sun tells the story of a vaguely Baltic/Russian soldier whose complicated hero worship of his dreamy commanding officer frequently borders on being ho******ic. The nation (it's entirely clear which nation, by presumably it's the United States?) is under attack by aliens, and only you can save the world by shooting the same three aliens over and over again.

This game features snake-bears, the creatures from Mac & Me, and lizard men that keep shooting you after they die, and cannot even be relied upon to die successfully the first time.

Are you ready for this madness? You better be, because General Brinks COMMANDS YOU TO DIE FOR HIM!



WATCH THE WHOLE EPISODE HERE: https://youtu.be/3WYqA90j9_4

17/08/2019

What do you call a game that isn't so much as game as a walking simulator
showcasing a trust fund baby's pretentious art school portfolio? Awkward
Dimensions, a game so awful it nearly destroyed our friendship! And that was
before we even really got started playing it!



WATCH THE WHOLE EPISODE HERE: https://youtu.be/gvKDGaMr7ns

14/08/2019

Time Ramesside is made me incapable speak a talk, I can't do! Not talk now 'cause me, I a'broken!



WATCH THE WHOLE EPISODE HERE: https://youtu.be/j4-wAO6aBQ4

12/08/2019

In the second and final episode of Garry's Incident, we get killed by monkeys a lotta buncha times and ragequit.



WATCH THE WHOLE EPISODE HERE: https://youtu.be/yF2KNmko4yg

09/08/2019

In episode one of Garry's Incident, we wake the f**k out of a statue, find a sh*tton of mangos, get lost in a jungle trying to find a panther, and shoot a woman into the sky. Also, Mike had his headphones on backwards for half the playthrough.



WATCH THE WHOLE EPISODE HERE: https://youtu.be/qIB3Ubrf-6E

07/08/2019

07/08/2019

What we learned in Drug Wars: never turn your back on a caveman!



WATCH THE WHOLE EPISODE HERE: https://youtu.be/ARS75YFONIY

05/08/2019

I won't mince words, Get Rich or Die Gaming is f**king awful. Even the creators of the game seem to know it. But they still got our $3, so I guess the joke is on us!



WATCH THE WHOLE EPISODE HERE: https://youtu.be/hqxYGeSKBIo

31/07/2019

Revelations 2012 is a game so tremendously awful that it manages to not even be worth the asking price of Free-to-Play.



WATCH THE WHOLE EPISODE HERE: https://youtu.be/8kTdAhxT1_o