The Opium Den Times

03/08/2023

If slavery enabled Black people to develop beneficial skills, then Adolf Hi**er was simply cleaning the Jews sinuses with lethal gases. In addition, those gas chambers were actually meditation rooms. Somebody in public relations must have fu**ed up the naming scheme in both instances.

The lessons will be taught to sixth through eighth grade students this year.

27/06/2023

While DeSantisnomics insidiously rebrands Nuremberg Laws in America's wang, grandpa, not to be outshined, rebrands highlighted passages from Bullsh*tnomics 480 textbooks as Bidennomics. After all, the effects of Trumpnomics are still being peer reviewed by the federales and that is no bueno.

The push to own the economy, by literally branding it with the president’s name, is not without risk.

21/10/2022

Didn’t I tell you to stop crying ma? I told you justice is a revolving door for men of my complexion, I mean conviction. The judge said I’m free to do whatever it is that I do until the appeal kicks in. If Fox News call, I’m at a t***y bar.

Steve Bannon, a one-time adviser to former President Donald Trump, was sentenced by a judge on Friday to four months in prison for refusing to cooperate with lawmakers investigating last year's U.S. Capitol attack.

08/10/2022

I instantly knew the kid is white when the cop was fired after the shooting. Couldn't get that level of administrative reation even if it was five black kids in that car. Justice may be blind but it's racially sensitive.

San Antonio Officer James Brennand was fired after shooting Erik Cantu, 17, on Oct. 2 in a fast food restaurant parking lot, police training commander Alyssa Campos said in a video statement released Wednesday.

23/05/2022

In Newark this is how people normally great each other.

SHOCKING footage shows the moment a United Airlines worker appeared to hit a passenger before being battered to the ground at the check-in desk. A man and an employee seemed to be squaring off at t…

23/04/2022

Ain't a better way to polish your own future eulogy than this. The speaker will thank you.

A Pennsylvania man joined the ranks of the video gaming elite by becoming one of only 11 people worldwide to achieve a "perfect score" in classic arcade game "Pac-Man."

19/09/2021

This nurse made foot traffic flow so easily in hospitals until management realized his chirpy demeanor is powered by opioids. Premium Opioids routed from patients. Word on the streets is melancholic coworkers got to together and pushed him in front of an oncoming traffic. You click here and be the judge of that statement.

Joseph M. Mattingly, 42, was sentenced to four years of probation and ordered to pay a $500 fine along with a $200 special assessment

06/07/2020

It would have been boys will boys but they challenged the coppers to a fist fight on 4th of July no less. You just don't do that. On the 3rd and 5th of July is alright. And the cameras were rolling too, so tah tautology was capped in the knee.

Seven men were arrested after allegedly shouting racist terms and performing N**i salutes at the family.

30/05/2020

You can't make this up. The news practically wrote itself. Even the caption is voice dictated, yo.

The monkeys attacked a lab technician before taking off with the samples, officials said.

05/05/2020

Very good people don't do this . They just don't. Perhaps on Pluto, but I've heard even they turned things around ever since they've been stripped of their "planet" designation. That only leaves us.

A Michigan store guard is shot in the back of the head after confronting a customer who had no mask.

03/05/2020

Who would have known one could get his way from government authorities by threatening private citizens! Somebody informs the Joker and the Riddler. It's all good now. So Shway.

"Store employees have been threatened with physical violence and showered with verbal abuse," the Stillwater city manager said. "There has been one threat of violence using a firearm."

21/04/2020

Oh yes, anything more important than living is paying as much taxes to the state as you can before you die. What a class act!

Patrick was heavily criticized last month for suggesting on Fox News that senior citizens might be willing to die of coronavirus to save the U.S. economy.

19/04/2020

Hip hip hooray to you sir. Well played.

“I wanted to make sure that we received what we ordered,” Pritzker said.

16/04/2020

16/04/2020

What a glorious day, Lord I tell ya, a glorious day indeed. I'm calling on all fools to line up and heed the calling of your money strapped shyster, I mean shepherd. Lord touched the heart of the US Treasury Department to issue those stimulus checks just so you can hand it to your favorite shyster, I mean shepherd in the pulpit. God bless.

Pastor Tony Spell's got a plan for your stimulus check: take it, and give it away to evangelists.

16/04/2020

The old whisper "big government is bad for businesses" withers as folks politely wonder: what the f**k happened to our stimulus money! Strange times call for stranger ideologies.

It’s possible to support the stay-at-home order and still deeply resent it.

12/04/2020

Breaking evil news: Thanos has finally made a clean break from the Marvel Cinematic Universe to the white House.

Trump reportedly challenged Fauci on why the U.S. could not use such an approach.

26/03/2020

When you fill up shortage of personnel in the senate with Cheshire cats due to their strong immunity against human empathy in this treacherous times, one can only wonder if omissions are deliberate or accidental.

The strengthened language was accidentally omitted due to a clerical oversight, according to people familiar with the situation.

23/03/2020

I can't help but wonder the method of transmission. Was it physically, orally, or through where the sun doesn't shine? It's imperative to the brigade.

The disgraced studio executive is being isolated at Wende Correctional Facility in New York, according to a new report.

23/03/2020

Yes you did, senator, yes you did.

23/03/2020

These are strange times when a politician is able to contract a hoax infection. Strange times.

The diagnosis comes as the Senate prepares to move forward on a massive coronavirus stimulus aid package.

19/03/2020

We thank you for being a model inmate, however, it's time for us to part way. You take the left corridor that leads straight to the boarding area. Your boarding pass code is coronavirus.

Iran has granted medical furlough to a former U.S. Navy veteran who had been detained for over 600 days on trumped up charges, according to Pompeo.

16/03/2020

This is the confirmation Donald Trump's 2021 presidential inauguration tailors and caterers have been waiting for to start designing. "It's just too easy, Joe, too easy," chuckled a voice in the rose garden.

15/03/2020

The CDC leaves students in a depressive state of mind by declaring school is out for the summer. Chances of the same CDC sealing them off at home is highly probable. Hang in there.

Closing schools for eight weeks or more may have a greater impact on mitigating the spread of the novel coronavirus than two- to four-week closures, the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has said.

13/03/2020

Fast food restaurants booths are now covert euthanasia booths. Leave your mass shooting weapons at home and lead your preys to the next Mcdonald and the slaughtered cows will take it from there.

A new study looks at the community factors behind the dip in American life expectancy.

13/03/2020

Let it be recorded from this day forward, it was WHO who let the dogs out. As of last night, the World Health Organization cleared pet owners to continue hugging, kissing and - if they're on an isolated farm - doing those things that are frowned upon by society with their dogs.

At this time, there's no evidence for being concerned about getting the virus from your pet.

09/03/2020

Men with passionate flare for gaming systems in their favor realize what the majority of humans have already known: the new coronavirus is not an equal-opportunity killer.

For a variety of reasons, researchers want to figure out who’s most at risk of being infected and who’s most at risk of developing severe illness.

09/03/2020

Are you getting chased in your dreams by the mascot on your cereal boxes, waking up in the middle of the night in cold sweats to the cryptic murmurs of your Amazon echo, and possibly witnessing the vacuum cleaner smoking cigar in the living room, then a minimalist lifestyle may be right. Just don't buy stuff.

Everything in your smart home, from the lightbulbs to the thermostat, could be recording you or collecting data about you. What can you do to curb this intrusion?

08/03/2020

Democrats forfeited their rights to complain in face of such articles because they wilfully voted for a thersitical man when they shunned voting for the woman because the crazy Doc did not win the party nomination in 2016.

Mr. Prince, a contractor close to the Trump administration, contacted veteran spies for operations by Project Veritas, the conservative group known for conducting stings on news organizations and other groups.

08/03/2020

In a weird case of intellectual property violation, the Italians must now pay Jesus Christ a colossal amount of money for infringing on his patent for turning water into wine.

The incident provided a moment of levity to the town that's in the midst of the coronavirus crisis -- which has hit northern Italy the hardest.