The Kokomo Kokomo

14/08/2022

Poverty Challenged Non-Profit ‘Buckets of Gold” to Donate 1.5 Million to 02 Area HOA

Kokomo City, IN—Local poverty challenged non-profit Buckets of Gold granted a local 02 zip code neighborhood HOA 1.5 million to update its three neighborhood's environment-controlled mailboxes with gold lining. HOA spokeswoman, Goldie Sloan, discussed the significance of the grant, “Buckets of Gold has just done wonders for the poverty challenged! So many non-profits today are focused on poverty, which is everywhere, we are the minority, 2%, that’s it, that’s all there are of us left and as far as I know, Buckets of Gold is the only non-profit protecting our rights. This will be a huge morale booster for our residents. Imagine opening the mailbox to the glow of pure gold. Only 2% of us will know what that’s like, and we are proud of that difference.” Sloan also suggested the HOA would apply for the Buckets of Gold sponsored “Food from the Poor” grant which takes the choicest produce before it goes to the free food pantries for composting in their silver lined garden bins.

25/05/2022

BREAKING: GOP City Councilmen High on CDB Oil Has Been Representing Lemonade Stand Whole Time, Resigns

Kokomo City, Kokomo—14th District GOP Councilmen, Ray Cadillac, learned today that he was not, in fact, appointed to the Kokomo City City Council last April. In an announcement from the mayor’s office Cadillac had apparently not read the contract, “It has come to our attention that there has been some confusion, Kokomo City City Lemonade Councilmen Cadillac, not Councilmen, has, in fact, been representing the 14th district which is a lemonade stand. If Lemonade Councilmen Cadillac did not read his contract that is not our fault.” Upon learning this news Lemonade Councilmen Cadillac resigned. When questioned why he resigned he stated, “Look, I was high as f**k on the CBD oil, who reads contracts anyway? What was the question?” Records show Former Lemonade Councilmen Cadillac was attending meetings at the lemonade stand but did not become aware of the appointment until he got into a fist fight with Bobby Johnson from down the street who hurled among the curse-laden insults the truth of his situation, “Look, f**k that Bobby kid. He could tell I was high as f**k on the CBD and started talking s**t about my sister, so we threw fists, I mean, it was just a fight man, then he had to say that. I mean, I probably knew, but f**k it, I was high as f**k on the CBD.”

25/05/2022

Kokomo Space Program to Send Three Missions to North-End

Kokomo City Bay, Kokomo City— Kokomo Space Program officials announced today that it is launching the first in series of what hopes to be three missions to Kokomo’s seemingly exotic, yet mind blowingly harsh, economically challenged North-End landscape. McCoy Gus, Director of the Space and Flying Ships division at KSP explained the importance of this first step for Kokomo-Kind, “In an effort to better understand terrestrial life on Kokomo’s North-End we decided it was time to either create fear or eliminate it. When people of the world they think of Kokomo, they think of just the South-Side, you know where the money’s at as exclusively the whole of Kokomo, one is the same as the other. Snobby Lobby, the mall, grocery stores, tanning salons, weight rooms, white hat stores, those are not just exclusive Kokomo, but Kokomo South-Side. What we’re learning now, thanks to a discovery made by the big telescope people at the University of Kokomo, are that there are actually human-like creatures, hundreds if not thousands inhabiting the North-End in ways both mind blowing, alien, economically challenged, yet from a space perspective exotic even romantic. I mean, think about it, they don’t even have a grocery store. Imagine all these little funny looking, dirty alien families all huddled in the rain waiting for food to come just come from somewhere like the sky.” When asked about the impact of the research Gus explained, “This project was funded by the Kokomo City Anti-Urban Tourism Commission by a marginal 10 billion dollars. We initially asked for 20 billion, but due to South-Side sidewalk handrail upgrades a lesser amount was awarded. Even though, we feel the information gleaned will at, the very least, help people better understand why difference should keep us a part. If three missions can’t do it, then we will just get another grant. And rest assured, we're wearing big-ass, bullet proof suits."

08/05/2022

Local Jerk Cat Climbs Corporate Ladder

Kokomo City—IN What at first seemed like a typical spam email turned into shocking discovery for local pet owner, F***y Middleton, “Charles has always been a jerk, even for a cat, he’s the worst kind, knocking over cups, biting, and scratching people, he’s attacked the mailman twice, last time police were called, and he’s a climber. He climbs everything, the curtains, the walls, trees, the fire department just stopped coming after the last time, again, biting, scratching etc. But you could imagine my surprise when I saw this missent email from a corporate executive named Charles using our home address in the signature. After calling the company we quickly discovered, not so surprisingly now that I think about it, that Charles was our cat, and he climbed to a top executive position at a top dog food manufacturing company in Downtown Kokomo City!” After detailing his rising to power including several scandals and even imprisonment, Middleton explained though there were some rough times, the money is nice and all that anger and aggression is now focused on his “idiot” employees, as she termed them, he’s also knocking over fewer cups.

07/05/2022

Supreme Court Decision to Give Power to City Council Males Over City Council’s Female’s Reproductive Organs, Ge****ls.

Kokomo City, IN—Leaked documents revealed this week the US Supreme Court will likely overturn the long controversial RVW with the result locally in the elite and powerful male city council once again gaining the long sought-after control of the female council members reproductive organs, loins, and ge****ls including the va**na, ovaries, fallopian tube(s), taint, and other such parts. Head council warlord, Kull Kraig explained how this may affect the council, as well as, local ordinances, specifically already limiting the female role, overall, in the community, “It’s not like we're going to be grabbing the females parts at our pleasure like the good old days, this is woke culture and we definitely understand how respecting the woman, overall, is important, but there’s still something to the old phrase ‘got ya by the balls’, you get someone by the balls and you can physically and mentally hoist them wherever. We certainly have the females by their va**na balls here and intend to make sure they are once again hoisted to that proper place both in the council and across the community”. Local female activists protested the city council meeting chanting, “Mother f**king mother f**kers!” When questioned their intention activist leaders could only say coolly, “Those mother f**king mother f**kers.”

08/04/2022

City County Buildings Allowed to Fly Flag Used to Represent Slavery Before Confederate Flag

Kokomo City, Kokomo, IN—Citing a federally backed controversial Constitutional law, city and county officials announced today that all city and county buildings will continue to fly the flag that was used to represent slavery before the era of the Confederate Flag. City comptroller, Thorin Values, explained the decision, “This is our heritage. Obviously, this flag is no longer used to intentionally represent slavery. It’s now a part of our culture and anyone who views culture as bad just doesn’t understand diversity. Today this flag represents America, the American Spirit. That spirit which allows hard working Americans the freedom to work multiple, diverse jobs as that unit of survival. They have the freedom to choose, where slaves did not. There is a difference and that’s what it represents.” Locals are torn over the decision, one observer noted, “I see on the one side where the flag has always represented us, I mean we sing to it, it’s got lots of pretty colors and whatnot. O. the other hand, it did represent slavery for over 80 years where the Confederate Flag only represented slavery for 5 years, and that’s illegal to fly.” We will continue to update this story as more develops.

28/03/2022

KOKOMO SPRING FIRSTS! Holiday needles bloom just in time for Easter along famed North Kokomo Clover bike trail!

11/03/2022

Scumway Shuttered, Famed Kokoroach to be Released Back to Ancestral Natural Habitat at Kokomo City Public Housing

Kokomo City, IN—Local residents took quick notice of the quiet shuttering of local sub sandwich eatery, Scumway, which featured Kokomo’s famed Kokoroach, an icon on Kokomo’s scenic Washington Street. With this closure residents feared what was next for the gigantic bug that hovers so menacingly? In a joint announcement today from Indiana Department of Unnatural Resources and Kokomo City Public Housing, that question was answered, famed abature, Leeson Shummle, head of Kokomo City Public Housing explained, “Since his removal from KCPH there has been a power void in the higher echelon of Kokoroaches within all our public facilities, leading in some instances to mass genocides from overpopulation with an apparent readiness to commit murder, even cannibalism at any time. Returning this dominant, alpha Kokoroach back into his ancestral, native habitat will create a balance, possibly allowing them to return to the treaty with humans that allowed their culled young as a vital food source additive for Kokomo City Public Housing Cheese food available for free to all residents.” Current relocation of the Kokoroach is underway, a local passerby who stopped for an interview had this to say, “Moving the Kokoroach here and then back is costing taxpayers millions probably. Kokomo gonna always have bugs, so this ain’t changing s**t.”

02/03/2022

Kokomo Wildlife to Release Feral Clowns Fresh from Wild to Combat Worker Discontent

Kokomo, IN—Kokomo Federal Wildlife officials along with the Indiana Department of Unnatural Resources have partnered up to help fight the growing national labor shortage on the local level in a new and unique way, Clues Wendigo, Kokomo City mayor and new spokesmen for the New Confederated Alliance of Feral Clowns to Be Release Back Into Urban Wild (CAFCBR) explained the move, “Workers today are discontent. They think they need more money to live, which is just not true. They simply are lazy and have lost that fear of dying that is, from our research, the key to keeping workers in their proper place. We believe feral clowns are the answer.” Citing a 2020 national feral clown survey where most Americans agreed, their greatest fear of death was dying at the hands or large feet of a feral clown in the workplace, Wendigo explained, “We need to get workers back to that place, a place where they are scarred so s**tless all they can do is work to keep from going absolutely insane. Clowns with fangs, claws, all that scary s**t is definitely the answer. Those little cry baby slaves will be so scarred they won’t even want to go home. Imagine the billions we, as the overlords of Kokomo, will make!”

01/03/2022

Kokomo City Council to Issue Sanctions Against Russia, Urges Local Drunks Bars to Boycott White Russians

Kokomo, IN—Local leaders have come together in a first for local government with a unanimous vote to stand with the world in protest to the invasion of Ukraine by levying local sanctions against Russia. In an announcement made at 6 am EST Kokomo city council leader, Cud Deffenslugh, issued the following statement, “We stand with Ukraine, like the rest of the world, and sought ways the local citizens of Kokomo along with local leaders could help fight the war against Russia. After long deliberation and negotiations that also involved eliminating funding for city wide sidewalk repair, council members came together in a first-time unanimous vote to formally sanction Russia by urging all bars and drunks to not serve or drink the popular White Russian alcoholic beverage. Local drunk, Ditty Whitty supported this move, “Nobody drinks that s**t anyway, Ima ok wit it.”

27/02/2022

Man Orders Side of Mayo, Ranch After Receiving Order

Kokomo, IN— Last week-long time customer, Elmer “Amish” Hayes, to the chagrin of local staffers, again, ordered an extra side of mayo and ranch after receiving his order exactly as requested upon ordering the first time. Billy’s Barn House Outhouse Refuse and Recycling Tavern which features hay bale tables and seating on Kokomo’s wild west side prides itself on good food and great service, but local server who usually “ends up” with Amish explained his frustration, “I clearly asked him if he wanted extra mayo and ranch and he said no, or something like it in the West Kokomo dialect that is often sluggish and in the context of opposites. I’m only making $2.13 an hour plus these s**tty one-dollar old man tips. We are always super busy at 4 am and this guy does this at least three times a week.” Amish defended his untimely request, “Theseith servants just-ith have it-th too good. Thaaay make-ish at-at least ahh dollar uur sumething ah dayh andh if’in thaaay wanth my-ith shilling, thaaay will work-ish darn hard for it-th! In my day we ate cats!”

19/02/2022

Gas Station Video Surveillance Captures Man Who Did Not Ogle Hot Girl
Kokomo, IN—W Morgan Street gas station video surveillance surfaced revealing the man who allegedly did not ogle the hot girl at the gas station. Local customer, “Dinny Witty” who witnessed the man’s lack of reaction, sized up the situation, “Man, that girl was hot! I mean she was thick in all the right places, thin in the others, the one boy almost done just took off his pants! She was fine bro!” After making further gestures with his hands to emphasize the thick and thin parts he explained the confounding reaction, “Then the one boy just stood there. He didn’t look up, wasn’t on his phone, he was just looking at what he is grabbing off the counter and left. He didn’t stare, make a single comment, I mean come on man, I at least grabbed my junk and howled a little bit. I kinda felt sorry for her. “When the less hot girl in the store was asked why this particular customer may have reacted this way she explained, “I don’t know, maybe he has a common respect for all human beings, or maybe he was just high, I dunno. I woulda f**ked him tho.”

28/01/2022

N Bell St. Village Hoarder House Renovated into Bed and Breakfast AirBNB for Hoarders

Kokomo, IN—New owners have transformed the formerly infamous, blighted N Bell Street Village hoarder house, an eyesore to residents, into a fresh new hoarder house with the goal of improving hoarder tourism in Kokomo. Preferred pronoun “owneress” Mitilda Foster explained, “There is growing importance of diversifying economic endeavors in the currently volatile financial market. After preferred pronoun “co-owner-master” Pete Willingston-Foster and myself discussed multiple “out-of-the-box” avenues of investments with our cultural trash and financial advisors and doing heaps of market research, we concurred there is a solid niche market for hoarder tourism in Kokomo. Quite simply, no one is touching it.” Local Kokomo City tourism expert Molly Badday supported this, “According to our official government records including video surveillance both public and private, including audio, there is currently no avenues for expanding hoarder tourism in Kokomo. This will go a long way towards solving this problem.” Foster also stated that hoarder piles both inside and outside the premises will be refreshed monthly.

22/10/2021

Man Boldly Turns Down Side Street

Kokomo, IN--Citing the various road construction projects around most of town, S Jay Street resident Jay McPike wags his finger at the nearby intersection at N Gano in frustration, "Every time you turn down a d--n street in this m-th-r f--k-n town there's some kind of G-d d--n m-th-r f--k-n road work! I'm saying f--k i--t! I'll turn down any G-d d--n street I want, I pay taxes..." Trailing off in a tirade of comments about the mayor, Obama, and the old gas tower we observed as McPike bowled down several cones to make a left turn. Photo courtesy of The Kokomo Kokomo 2021.

20/09/2021

Russiaville Father Now Convinced Politics Everywhere Corrupt

Kokomo City, IN—Hovering over a mass web of newspaper clippings, photographs, typed memos, various exciting and likely incriminating reports, and other old time stuff old people used to use for passing media, area father of four mumbles something about a gas tower before describing what all this means, “They’re all corrupt! Every single one of them! Here’s the proof, look, look!” Oldest son, Nelson, rolled his eyes, area next oldest daughter, Brook, huffed and puffed and blew them all off, third youngest, Little Sister, just giggled and giggle, and youngest, Little Brother, offered us this, “I just s**t my pants!” Area mother suggested that area father find something else to do like fix the garage door or change Little Brother’s s**tty pants.

16/09/2021

Greentown Grandma to Get Laid at County Fair: Part 1

Greentown, IN—Still sporting the signature neon yellow hospital-like wrist band and nacho stained “Ratt” T-Shirt, Happy Trails Community Park “celebrity” grandma, Laura Little, points in the direction of the water tower that highlights the east parking lot of the County Fair, “There’s not much going on over there tonight. We took the granbabies over there last night for wrist band night, Tuesday I think, not sure if you went, but it’s like only twenty dollars and you can ride all the rides for free! It’s usually expensive as Hell!” Holding a granbabie on her hip with several others running around her feet she gestures to relate her dilemma, “These damn kids need to come these granbabies so I can go and get drunk and laid!” Showing us her phone, “Slayer is playing some kind of p***y matinee and for whatever reason the show will be over by eight. I’ll be full on drunk and high by then, so you better believe some carni is gonna get laid tonight!”
Editor’s Note: This is part one of a two-part series scheduled to appear in the next simulation update

16/09/2021

Local Former Mikey’s Pizza Employee Not Affected by Sexual Harassment

South Kokomo—Holding his phone, local former Mikey’s Pizza employee, Hank Stetson, enlarges the photo of former Mikey’s owner bristling chest, shirtless, shoeless, dancing through the Mickey’s kitchen with a blow-up doll wearing a Bob Ross mask, “This is all everyone remembers about Mikey’s,” zooming in on the p***s shaped belt buckle, “And, now there’s all these allegations of workplace sexual harassment, but you know what? I was never sexually harassed!” Zooming closer it becomes clear that the belt buckle is actually one of those gaffs where you pull the lever and the man’s getting a BJ, “All these employees everywhere saying Mikey said this or Mikey said that or did inappropriate things, let’s just set the record straight, in my ten years of employment at Mikey’s was my butt was never touched, p***s grabbed, legs rubbed, neck kissed, shoulders caressed, lips brushed, none of it. Not even one sexual comment referring to the wholesome, sensual nature of my man boobs.” Hank went on to warn, “These allegations are false, untrue and unless Mikey wants to come out of the woodwork and stick it to me, I will continue to address this controversy!”

10/09/2021

"City of Firsts": Invention of the Week!

08/09/2021

Kokomo Bans Black-Clad Crust Punk, Goths, Emos from Front of Bus

Kokomo City, IN—Citing the 1983 “Tour Bus Law” the Kokomo City Supreme Court ruled in favor of the new ordinance forcing black-clad crust punks, goths, and emos to sit in the back of all Kokomo public transit including public buildings. Kokomo public transit bus supervisor and S Jay Street resident Wh**ey Larson stated, “It’s been a long time coming, you know how p***y all these black-clad crust punks, goths, and emos are, you just wanna throat punch them! Hopefully it keeps them away from the bull too!” Local black-clad crust punk and S Bell Street resident Starlit Knight spoke against the ordinance, “If this is about what happened to the bull that’s f**king bulls**t! F**k that bull!” Asked to explain how the bull became the focus of this ordinance Knight could only weep, “F**k that mantis.”

30/07/2021

Kokomo CDC Urges Citizens Not to Feed Taunt City Street Workers

Kokomo, IN—With all the street work going on around town it’s easy to see how quickly things got out of control. After yet a third attack this week Kokomo CDC finally released a statement urging citizens to refrain from feeding or taunting, specifically, the 8-10 city workers standing around not working...Read More https://thekokomokokomo.weebly.com/news1/kokomo-cdc-urges-citizens-not-to-feed-taunt-city-street-workers

29/07/2021

https://thekokomokokomo.weebly.com/news1/local-fast-food-restaurant-raises-wages-to-625-to-attract-better-quality-employees

​Kokomo, IN—Ask anyone working in the restaurant industry today and they will tell you, employment is a problem. General Manager, Brenda Bulger, at Burger World on N Jay attributed the monthly...

29/07/2021

https://thekokomokokomo.weebly.com/news1/kokomo-man-faster-than-horse

Kokomo, IN—In a bet that could be the highlight of this “news” source for weeks to come, N Bell resident Jake Blake is making headlines with his bid to race and beat local horse Big Jim....

27/07/2021

https://thekokomokokomo.weebly.com/news1/kokomo-jackrabbit-to-be-neutered

​Kokomo, IN—With a decision that included a planning and exit ordinance by the Kokomo Council, Kokomo’s top sports veterinary science expert announce today that the resulting aftermath of the...

27/07/2021

https://thekokomokokomo.weebly.com/news1/study-suggests-kokomo-does-not-use-gender-identity-or-any-pronouns

​Kokomo, IN—A year-long study funded and administered by top scientists at University of Kokomo showed significant lack of gender identifying or any pronoun use among residents of Kokomo with an...

27/07/2021

Kokomo Son Worried Mom Not Enjoying Raising His Child

Kokomo, IN—Local N Jay Street son, Larry “Larry-Boy” Johnson is worried his mom is not really enjoying raising his five-year-old son. “It’s not like she’s got anything to do anyway, being so old and whatnot. She wasn’t enjoying life and I told her if she really wanted to support my ME—my career as a self-life video game artist...Read more https://thekokomokokomo.weebly.com/news1/kokomo-son-worried-mom-not-enjoying-raising-his-child

27/07/2021

Kokomo Man Faster Than Horse

Kokomo, IN—In a bet that could be the highlight of this “news” source for weeks to come, N Bell resident Jake Blake is making headlines with his bid to race and beat local horse Big Jim...Read more https://thekokomokokomo.weebly.com/news1/kokomo-man-faster-than-horse

27/07/2021