18/11/2023
I Wish. . .
I wish I knew how to switch my mental switch back on. I have struggled with mental illness for as long as I can remember. It's always been harder for me to find the happiness in situations than it seemed to be for others; even when I was younger. Now I know it was never my fault, I was born and then raised this way, I guess... I've walked through hell and back with minimal scarring. I've stared my demons in their faces, getting to know each of them like old friends. I am a pro at faking it until I've made it, but I don't know when the lines started blurring between faking it for others and not being able to let myself feel. I don't know when push it off until I have a minute to be able to process the situation turned into not knowing how to let myself process...
I know I've always considered myself strong, I've taken care of myself and my family at as young as 4 years old. And at this point in my very short life, I don't think I'd change how I was raised, or really change any of the obstacles I've faced so far, as it's made me who I am. I'm a hard worker, a loyal friend, a protector, an ear to listen, a shoulder for those I cherish to cry on when they need, I am the calm in so many storms... somehow in being all those things, I've forgotten how to be there for myself. I'm trying to relearn those skills, but as I try and try, I feel myself being thrown to the eye of a hurricane inside my own mind that I don't know how to escape from. I feel guild's hand every time I feel my grip slipping. My tensions are so high and my nerves so raw that I don't know how to be the one thing I love about myself. I'm losing the one thing I can honestly say I liked about myself; being a kind and empathetic person.
My world has never been calm. It's always felt like one bad moment hits after it's felt like I've experienced too many happy ones. But I've always been able to rest in between. To breathe in the good before more bad takes root. But this year feels like bad keeps tossing me around and if I am able to think about taking a minute breathe, it has to remind me that things can and will get worst... I am so tired of this ride, I want off... I don't want to see or experience anymore pain... I am so tired of my world being on fire. But mostly, I'm just so tired of not being able to heal my mind so I can go back to helping those I care about. For me, life isn't worth being in if I can't help those I love enjoy it. But right now it takes all the energy I have just to go through the motions. I don't really have any extra will power to get through communicating. I feel like a shadow of a human. Or a ghost. Like a breath of wind could just blow my facade away and leave me in tears for hours, drowning in my head because I've forgotten how to cry. Everything is overwhelming, everything is too much. There is no break. No breath to take. Not when my kids need me. Not when my fiance needs me. Not when my friends and family are battling wars that they need help with. But at the same time, I wish I could remember how to help myself...
