Funny and rude cards for the funny and rude folks in your life. Actually, some aren't rude at all. Some are very sarky. And some are very nice. So far, so good.
I'm an advertising copywriter by trade. Bewildered by how crap advertising is today, I transferred my advertising writing skills as well as my sarcasm and cynicism to the world of greeting cards to entertain those who are equally sarcastic and cynical.
It was my birthday recently so had a nice old fart birthday bbq at the weekend with some equally old farts...er....friends. They brought a lovely choccy cake that's probably going to play havoc with my kidney stones and cholesterol levels.
But, f**k it.
Life's too short to worry about cholesterol, blood pressure and keeping fit and other life enhancing bu****it.
Eat well, keep fit, and die anyway.
Makes sense to me. Not that we'd notice the difference.
It's International Cat Day. Here is Marge warming herself on a lamp. Sadly, she's not with us anymore. She was a funny old bird.
🐱
There's nothing like an appropriately administered profanity. It does wonders for the soul. Go out into this pathetically sad world my lovelies and swear like there's no tomorrow. There's lots to swear at.
#
I get pi**ed off with all the elastic bands that litter my doorstep and nearby streets.
According to its website, Royal Mail bought 304 million of the little blighters in 2021-22. Most of them seem to be in my street. Come Royal Mail, stop it. Think of another way to collate your letters.
Popped up to the allotment this afternoon and bagged some spuds, apples, blackberries and damsons, all of which are a bit early this year.
Better than nipping to Sainsburys.
The blackberries at the allotment are very early this year. Compare this timing to a dictionary definition of a blackberry summer from 1839.
A sign that the climate has been changing for some time? Who knows, but the weather ain't what the used to be.
International Friendship Day. Apparently.
If you can't take the p**s out of your friends, they ain't friends, are they?
It's p**sing down at the moment.
It's been s**t summer weather so to cheer up everyone Rusty Pencil is having a s**tty summer weather sale.
20% off all cards.
Free UK delivery. Use code S**t summer.
Keep that bikini on hold.
Well, I think it's about time. I'm always appalled by all the f**king swear words on greeting cards.
Despite the recent sunny weather, the July weather has generally been s**t. So to cheer up all the damp souls drying off in the sunshine, I thought I would have a jolly s**tty summer weather sale.
20% off all cards. Free UK delivery. Use code S**t summer.
**tweather
Along with pretty flowers in my garden, I love snarky cards. That's me all over. Pretty on the outside and acidic on the inside. 😁
Nice to see that a local vagrant has taken the opportunity to do something for the community. I'm sure Rishi will be a great success, at least until lunchtime.
Well, this is fun. Another leaving do!
For all you retailers out there, Rusty Pencil has some fun cards and offers at the Faire market 23-25 July, with Insider early access on 22 July.
Don't be daft like Rishi. Bag yourself a bargain.
Didn't anyone at The Independent watch the match? Clearly they missed the first few minutes. Probably too busy ordering at the bar. Fundamental error.
It took them a while to notice. Good to see a top newspaper being on the ball.
The doppelganger cat. My cat Marge died in August 2020. Soon after, a black cat of the same size, and with similar mannerisms and habits turned up. I have no idea where she lives but she visits every day.
She's a bit twitchy at times and it's taken ages for her to be friendly.
This week, for the first time, I found her sitting on the bench where Marge always used to sit.
Is this spooky?
Made me laugh.
🤣🤣🤣
Today is beige dog day. I see this dog walker often and he has the most well-behaved dogs. He clearly has the knack.
I love electrical storms. It’s like God is moving his furniture and has a problem with this fuse box.
It reminds of a fantastic storm over the Sahara when we flew back from Zambia to the UK in the early 1960s.
My mother and I were passengers on an old prop plane like a Dakota. As night came we reached the Sahara and hit the storm, but the prop plane couldn’t fly above the weather only through it.
I was mesmerised by the lightning and what it exposed below. Dunes like ribbons of silken chocolate and silver. Tiny dark specks that were villages, and the occasional oasis. I was in awe of its vastness and beauty. We bumped our way for hours through the storm and reached Cairo unscathed.
It wasn’t until decades later that my mother said that it was the most terrifying flight of her life and thought that we were all going to die. I vaguely recall the cabin crew scampering around. My mother said that many large gin and tonics were downed, and hundreds of ci******es smoked. White knuckles were clamped to seats and there was the occasional scream and crying. I can imagine married couples declaring their undying love for each other thinking it was their last moments together.
Kudos to the pilot. There he was at the steering wheel trying to keep the wings level and the passengers from jumping off. He earned his money that night. And there was me thinking it was a jolly fun ride.
It's interesting how a child’s view of the world is always different to an adult’s.
The allotment looks a bit sad as I haven't been able to spend a lot of time on it because my kidney stone prevents me from digging too much.
I have enough problems with the stones in the ground never mind the one in my kidney. At least the shallots, potatoes and red onions are in.
Shallots are coming along nicely.
You've had a hard week. Treat yourself. Who needs that many brain cells anyway?
I was very bored yesterday and it was very grey so I did a spot of baking to cheer myself up. Soft plain finger rolls made with full fat milk and butter, and apple tart with sweet pastry and with apples from the allotment. Best eaten with a splash of cream. Sod the calories.
It's amazing what you can grow from a few tomatoes bought from Sainsbury's. Taste The Difference Majestic Vine Tomato seeds taking a foothold.
They worked well last year, so fingers crossed for this summer. I think I'll have a problem with bananas.
🍅
Eat well and stay fit to keep that iron oxide at bay. What's that creaking noise?
# #
I'm not quite at that stage yet, though I did misplace my wallet and found it days later in a place I didn't expect.
Dull tittle-tattle always ruins a party.
Kidney stones. Best avoided. I ended up in A&E on Thursday, and after a ridiculous nine hour wait I was told I had a large kidney stone and needed an emergency operation to ease the pain.
I stayed overnight - sleeping on chair until they found me a bed - and had the operation Friday lunchtime. I need a second op to zap the stone into dust with a laser thingy.
I told the urology team about my best-selling get well soon card. It made them laugh, though having kidney stones is no laughing matter.
My garden plants are fab. It's the indoor ones that have me baffled.
| Monday | 09:00 - 17:00 |
| Tuesday | 09:00 - 17:00 |
| Wednesday | 09:00 - 17:00 |
| Thursday | 09:00 - 17:00 |
| Friday | 09:00 - 17:00 |
Be the first to know and let us send you an email when Rusty Pencil posts news and promotions. Your email address will not be used for any other purpose, and you can unsubscribe at any time.
Send a message to Rusty Pencil:
Imagine having to buy a funny 60th card when you don't have a sense of humour. A silly blog post with some of my fave 60th birthday cards. Link in bio. Thanks to @objectables @boldandbrightcards @thetypecastgallery @oflifeandlemons @moderntoss @bethgarnett_illustration #funnygreetingcards #funnybirthdaycards #funny60thbirthdaydcards #60th #rustypencil #rustypencilcards #rudecards
#bees #hollyhocks #nectar #northlondon #northlondonwildlife
#fairemarketjuly2024 #funnycards #rustypencil #funnygreetingcards #fairemarket
#fairemarketjuly2024 #funnycards #funnybirthdaycards #smallbusinesss #smallbusinessuk #funnygreetingcards
#coot #londonwildlife #northlondonwildlife #bigfeet
They were out in force last night. Male stag beetles sniffing out a mate. #stagbeetle #malestagbeetle #stagbeetles #matingseason #beetle #beetles #londonwildlife #northlondon #northlondonwildlife
Today is beige dog day. I see this dog walker often and he has the most well-behaved dogs. He clearly has the knack. #doglife #dogwalking #dogwalker #beige #beigedogs #wellbehaveddogs #browndogs #dogbehaviour
I love electrical storms. It’s like God is moving his furniture and has a problem with this fuse box. It reminds of a fantastic storm over the Sahara when we flew back from Zambia to the UK in the early 1960s. My mother and I were passengers on an old prop plane like a Dakota. As night came we reached the Sahara and hit the storm, but the prop plane couldn’t fly above the weather only through it. I was mesmerised by the lightning and what it exposed below. Dunes like ribbons of silken chocolate and silver. Tiny dark specks that were villages, and the occasional oasis. I was in awe of its vastness and beauty. We bumped our way for hours through the storm and reached Cairo unscathed. It wasn’t until decades later that my mother said that it was the most terrifying flight of her life and thought that we were all going to die. I vaguely recall the cabin crew scampering around. My mother said that many large gin and tonics were downed, and hundreds of cigarettes smoked. White knuckles were clamped to seats and there was the occasional scream and crying. I can imagine married couples declaring their undying love for each other thinking it was their last moments together. Kudos to the pilot. There he was at the steering wheel trying to keep the wings level and the passengers from jumping off. He earned his money that night. And there was me thinking it was a jolly fun ride. It's interesting how a child’s view of the world is always different to an adult’s. #thunderstorm #electricalstorm #storms #badweather #saharadesert #sahara #fearofflying #oldplane #dakotaplane #propplanes #flyingacrossafrica
Cute coots having a punch-up.
I can't wait. For it to be over. #christmascards #christmasfun #christmasspirit #funnygreetingcards #rudecards
Is it only me but was Santa f**king weird and scary when you first saw him? Any hairy freak with a ridiculous beard is bound to scare the living daylights out of any kid. Maybe this is why I can't be bothered with Christmas. #scary #scarysanta #santa #santaclausiscomingtotown #santaclaus #beard Credit: Santa photo by Tim Mossholder @unsplash
Looking for an honest Christmas card? #FunnyChristmasCards #funnycards #christmascards #sarcastichumor #sarcasm #merrychristmas
Poor little stag beetle. He's flown off looking for a mate. He won't live for much longer. All the best, my little chum. My shooting a moving target skills would see me dead in no time in Top Gun: Maverick. That said, these male beetles are tricky fellas to follow. I've logged this fella in the very useful website that is the @ptes_org. Sadly, I've found six dead males in my garden. Magpies and foxes had 'em. I suppose they've got families to feed. Stag beetles need all the help they can get. So if you're clearing logs from your garden, don't. The larvae live up to seven years munching merrily away until it's time to head for the sun. So let sleeping logs lie, leave your lawn unmown and leave those leaves. A messy world is the best world for our little insect chums. #stagbeetle #topgunmaverick #endangeredspecies #wildlifegarden #londonwildlife #insects #messygarden #nomowmay #naturalgarden #ukwildlife
Kids eh? Mucking about in my garden. At least the mother has them under control. #foxesoflondon #londonfox #northlondon #spring #foxes #parents #parenting #cubs
Apparently, there's some annoying event going on soon. #christmascards #ChristmasCards2021
There are some very strange and unpleasant people out there. Recently I watched England female cricketer Tammy Beaumont thwack 97 off 65 balls to beat New Zealand. It was a fab performance. I went onto The Guardian's sports page to read the review of the match and saw this so-called comment left by someone who clearly doesn't like women. I was saddened and flabbergasted by this. To suggest that women's sport is f**king sh*t is to not understand sport, and in fact, women. Now we have Emma Raducanu storming to great heights in fine style. I just wonder what women have to do to be respected and taken seriously by some daft ignorant minority. I'm gobsmacked by this nonsense and still f**cking fuming. #womensports #sportswomen #womenscricket #cricketstars #cricket #womenstennis #tennisstar #tennis #misogyny
I've been growing a friend in the garden. He's nearly 9 foot tall. Those are big shoes. #sunflower #sunflowers #yellowflowers #summer #helianthusannus #tallthings #sunnyafternoon
It's all go @pglivelondon. The beauty of having a stand the size of a toilet is that it's done and dusted in no time. Bish, bosh, bash, done. Looking forward to tomorrow. Well, the party afterwards at least. #tradeshow #tradeshows #pglive2021 #funnygreetingcards #funnycards #rudecards #christmascards #birthdaycards #businessdesigncentre #drinksparty
Want your business to be the top-listed Media Company?
