01/11/2022
A few weeks ago I put on all the shirts in my suitcase and sat in the wilderness of Joshua Tree National Park as the sun went down and the stars came out. That’s one of the many interesting things about being in the desert. It gets super hot but swings to being super cold in one day. Kind of like me, sometimes. Like when I sit with my girls and laugh and talk, but eventually feel overwhelmed and overstimulated by their hands grabbing at me, twisting my hair into knots, and fighting with each other. Sometimes the giggling morphs into crying, and I feel like a volcano ready to explode. This isn’t one of those ‘feel good’ posts about motherhood. I know I asked for this. I begged God for more kids until fertility became my idol, and now that I have what I want, sometimes it freaks me out. Sometimes my adorable daughters smell like hot dog water and hide worms in cups under their beds and take off all their clothes in the grocery store parking lot. I’m not sure if that’s ‘normal’ or not. I try not to live by comparison. But on this day in the park, surrounded only by stars, I thought to myself, “it’s too quiet”. I missed the sound of their pitter pattering feet. I might have even missed the sound of Shiloh, my youngest, squealing “NO Ellie!” as my middle child snatches her toy away. I almost felt… understimulated. Being a mom is hard. It comes in extremes, just like the desert. So if you’re like me, hot and cold at the same time, constantly struggling to keep up with the messes, overstimulated and overwhelmed, just know you’re not alone.
