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30/01/2025

If January was a facial expression…

16/01/2025

A little tradition we had with my Dad, since we were little… a walk along the seafront to get a pot of cockles from the fishmongers at the docks. They gave us cocktail sticks to eat them with back then, and the pots were only £1! Such a sweet memory that we did right up int

Of course I wish he was sat next to me, but I still love to do these things that remind me of him; it keeps him alive and that’s so important. We can carry them with us in all we do.

♥️

15/01/2025

P e r f e c t 💙

24hrs in Devon, always time for a sea dip

Sea temp 10°C
Air temp 7°C

15/01/2025

Our first tribe trip away without our sweet Coco but oh she was with us, maybe not physically but we felt her, we remembered her, shared memories of her, and had so many signs. She was with us so deeply. Such a wholesome, sweet and soulful time. Log fires, country air, welly walks, sister circles, full moon magick, soul food, chihuahua cuddles, cacao rituals… So special.

Thank you for letting us stay in your incredible country house, it is absolutely beautiful. So thankful for your kindness.

My love for you is endless I am so grateful for your love and friendship. ♥️

14/01/2025

Country Girl 🍏

(Just wanted to show off my new wellies really….)

11/01/2025

Missing the sea and everyone back in the motherland but today I’m in my other happy place…

It’s been my favourite form of strengthening since my Northern Contemporary days (NSCD crew, can you cope that that was 20 years ago?!🤯) I love it. It‘s brutal and brilliant! Low impact for those who need that option but the burn is real.

5 weeks off exercise due to my pesky innards and I’m so happy to be back in the studio.

Movement is medicine. ♥️

05/01/2025

Miss you ♡ Love you ♡ See you soon ♡

04/01/2025

Filmed something beautiful and meaningful I am excited to share in the coming months. 5 years on from my stoma and inoperable stage 4 diagnosis.

I would never have wished for or wanted a stoma and it’s caused me so much sadness and so many issues over the years since I had my emergency surgery, when my body was shutting down and the cancer was blocking my bowel.
I am not someone who raves about how my stoma improved my quality of life because it didn’t, but I do hope I show that you can crack on (no pun intended) and join in and dance and swim and live your life and that a stoma doesn’t have to take over your whole persona. It has helped me keep my life and I’m so grateful for the part it played, a small part of a bigger picture since my second enormous op, but I wouldn’t have got this far without it.

As a younger woman in my 30s getting stage 4 cancer and a stoma and a pelvic exenteration I thought my life was over, but it actually just entered a new phase and it is precious and beautiful.. and honestly it all means so much more.

If you’re having a bad time with diagnosis and surgeries and stomas… I promise you I know what it feels like to feel hopeless and worthless and wonder how you will ever feel good again… and I want to tell you that is DOES get better, you are loved and you are wonderful. Keep going my loves. ♥️

03/01/2025

We chased a sunset. I had a dip (🥶🥶🥶🥶).
Honestly not many things in life make me happier. And what a GLORIOUS this sunset was. I honestly love our hometown so much, it’s going to be so hard to leave this weekend, but I’m grateful for these moments.

Mother Nature you absolute beauty. ♥️

02/01/2025

Spent today vision boarding, I love doing this at the start of the year. It brings some focus and excitement.

Whenever I feel lost the answers are already there, I just need to quiet the noise. Our soul really does know the way.

“The universe is not outside of you. Look inside yourself; everything that you want, you already are..” - Rumi

01/01/2025

New Year Dip with my 🧊❄️

Happy New Year friends. May you know how important and wonderful you are. The world would not be the same without you. ♥️

31/12/2024

2024 the lost files…

1. Fake tan gone rogue
2. Fashion icon.
3. I’m fine
4. Sick of my s**t
5. Nostril morse code
6. Sorry to whoever I sent this to
7. Free Deirdre Rachid
8. Bowel prep
9. Enjoyed that colonoscopy
10. Bowel obstruction
11. If 2024 was a facial expression
12. Never better hun

30/12/2024

Brian Harvey called… he wants his back.

29/12/2024

2024 reflection: notes to self

Watching someone you love take their last breath changes you forever. You can literally not think of life in the same way again. You can’t fight it but you do need to learn to live with it.

Grief is debilitating and it changes who you are, it also changes the relationships you have with people… some will pass judgement on how you grieve, some will make it about them even if they were not close to the person who died, people will make well meaning but ridiculous comments that will hurt you and some people will totally ghost you during your moments of deepest pain. Just focus on the love you had with the person who died, feel proud that you were there for them. How other people choose to react is simply a reflection of them. Often they don’t know what to do with their own guilt and sadness so they act weirdly, it’s not your problem.

The kindness of some people has astonished me. During your worst times there are people will step up in a way you never expected. Remember to step up for others in the same way, it has literally saved my life.

Setting boundaries is so important. It’s okay to say no. Not everyone deserves your energy. You don’t owe anyone access to you. Saying no to protect your peace is top tier self care.

If they talk about others to you, they are probably talking about you to others. It’s none of your business but keep your distance from these people.

You have shared your story, you will likely get slated for it at some point, often by people you actually know, but then you got messages from people who you’ve helped, people who were told no further treatment by their hospital and are now operable/waiting their life saving surgery due to the information you shared… and those messages are the important ones… Sharing information is so important, if you feel called to do it and it feels authentic to you, keep doing it.

Keep working on yourself. It’s a life long project. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and remind yourself of the things you’ve achieved. Life can be tricky enough without us punishing ourselves.

Be kind to everyone; everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. ♥️

24/12/2024

Saddest drive home for Christmas ever, though I’m glad I could make it after being so unwell for the last couple of weeks.

I am absolutely dying inside knowing I have to visit my Dad’s grave tomorrow instead of seeing him. I feel hollow.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and to everyone who is missing someone and wishing they could see them again, even just for five minutes and one more hug. My heart really goes out to you. I send my love to you. And I hope we can all appreciate the people we still have with us.

Merry Christmas to you all. ♥️

16/12/2024

When I think about you…

💜

14/12/2024

The ever swinging pendulum of life. From Ibiza to a different reality. Having just spent a week in bed with my 7532457th bowel obstruction of the year (because part of my small bowel has dropped into my empty pelvis), another week of pain and fluids only (I worked out I have now spent almost half of this year on a free fluid diet/no food) I have had time to reflect on the aftermath of the surgery I had, the things I live with that only Chris and my medical team know about, the impact on my quality of life. How many things I cancel and how kind my friends are that they understand when I do and never make me feel bad. How hard my body works to do all the things I do (and I do push it!) and how it can do way more than I ever expected to!

But what I was mainly thinking is…

This life that we have, imperfections and challenges and all, is what someone out there is hoping for. It’s what I myself was hoping for when I was told I couldn’t have surgery and they didn’t think my cancer could be cured.

It doesn’t mean the challenges we face aren’t valid, because denying that problems are real and important, well, that’s toxic positivity and I’m not about that… what it means is; it’s hard sometimes BUT we get to face our challenges because we are here.

I have learned that when I am able to go out and get it, I do… and when it’s time to stay in and sink in to it, I do.

So; my message is… in the good times and the hard times, savour your life. Whatever that looks like for you. Notice things. Appreciate the time you have with people. Watch that film that makes you smile when you are feeling sad or sip that nice cup of tea that comforts you when you’re feeling poorly. Laugh at memes with your friends. Go out in nature when you’re able. Appreciate being home in your cosy bed; I remember those months in hospital I dreamed of this.

It is a privilege to be alive and there is joy in every day. I think it’s up to us to find it. ♥️

07/12/2024

“Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and awful it’s ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful.”

L.R. Knost

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