iamnatwoodward (2025)

24/12/2024

Saddest drive home for Christmas ever, though I’m glad I could make it after being so unwell for the last couple of weeks.

I am absolutely dying inside knowing I have to visit my Dad’s grave tomorrow instead of seeing him. I feel hollow.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and to everyone who is missing someone and wishing they could see them again, even just for five minutes and one more hug. My heart really goes out to you. I send my love to you. And I hope we can all appreciate the people we still have with us.

Merry Christmas to you all. ♥️

16/12/2024

When I think about you…

💜

14/12/2024

The ever swinging pendulum of life. From Ibiza to a different reality. Having just spent a week in bed with my 7532457th bowel obstruction of the year (because part of my small bowel has dropped into my empty pelvis), another week of pain and fluids only (I worked out I have now spent almost half of this year on a free fluid diet/no food) I have had time to reflect on the aftermath of the surgery I had, the things I live with that only Chris and my medical team know about, the impact on my quality of life. How many things I cancel and how kind my friends are that they understand when I do and never make me feel bad. How hard my body works to do all the things I do (and I do push it!) and how it can do way more than I ever expected to!

But what I was mainly thinking is…

This life that we have, imperfections and challenges and all, is what someone out there is hoping for. It’s what I myself was hoping for when I was told I couldn’t have surgery and they didn’t think my cancer could be cured.

It doesn’t mean the challenges we face aren’t valid, because denying that problems are real and important, well, that’s toxic positivity and I’m not about that… what it means is; it’s hard sometimes BUT we get to face our challenges because we are here.

I have learned that when I am able to go out and get it, I do… and when it’s time to stay in and sink in to it, I do.

So; my message is… in the good times and the hard times, savour your life. Whatever that looks like for you. Notice things. Appreciate the time you have with people. Watch that film that makes you smile when you are feeling sad or sip that nice cup of tea that comforts you when you’re feeling poorly. Laugh at memes with your friends. Go out in nature when you’re able. Appreciate being home in your cosy bed; I remember those months in hospital I dreamed of this.

It is a privilege to be alive and there is joy in every day. I think it’s up to us to find it. ♥️

07/12/2024

“Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and awful it’s ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful.”

L.R. Knost

07/12/2024

6 months without you.

6 months ago we watched the pulse in your neck stop as your beautiful heart stopped beating and held your hand as you breathed out for the very last time. Your breath became air and the life left your body.
It was such an honour and privilege to be there with you as you left this World, though of course watching you die has changed me forever.

6 months of going to tell you something and remembering I can’t. 6 months of things you’ve missed. 6 months of texting you so your name doesn’t keep dropping down my WhatsApp list. 6 months of going over and over everything. 6 months of flashbacks of the last difficult often traumatic months of your life. 6 months of tormenting myself about whether could I have done anything more, anything differently. Replaying every conversation. 6 months of trying to let go of the anger at the consultants who gaslit us and let you suffer.

6 months of remembering the time we got to spend together and how grateful I am for it. 6 months of remembering the beautiful staff at the hospice, I thank god for them and the love and dignity they showed you/us.

What I would give for a hug, for one of our daily walks along the beach, to see your name pop up on my phone, to hear you across the hallway asking Alexa to “play absolute radio 70s”, to sit and watch Only Fools with you and laugh our heads off even though we’ve seen the episode a million times. What I would give to hear your voice again.

You are my first and last thought of every day and so many in between.

You were so lovely, Dad. I told you a million times but I truly hope you knew how loved and how important you were. You still are. My heart will always be broken but I’m trying hard to do things that you’d be proud of. I am so unbelievably lucky that you were my Dad. Everyone who knew you was so lucky to have you.

I miss you. I love you.

The love never ends.

♥️

04/12/2024

✨ December Intentions ✨

Less hustle, more healing ♥️

Peace over pressure ♥️

Be mindful who has access to my energy ♥️

Go gently with myself and others as I navigate the Christmas grief ♥️

Honour my Dad and the friends I’ve lost by being really present in my life, by keeping them in my heart in all I do and by noticing and being grateful for all of the things I have and am able to do ♥️

Be present with my loved ones and focus on making memories to cherish ♥️

Remember that this life and the people in it is the most important gift we could possibly have this festive season ♥️

02/12/2024

I need to do a proper post about last week but I want to do it justice… been back in London a couple of days and I’m processing last week as well as being straight back into the never ending process of death admin which has been a thud back to earth and breaks my heart every time.

Healing is beautiful but its not all rainbows and rose petals, burning sage and collecting crystals… it is painful too and you must confront things that are often uncomfortable but those are the most important bits!

The last five years have been traumatic, full of pain, suffering loss, almost losing my life… and the grief from this year, losing my Dad and one of my best friends has consumed me. It’s also had SO MANY moments of joy and wonder. This is life. All of it.

A lot came up last week and it’s so beautiful and important. I can’t thank Shaina and Asteria enough… but I will say more about these wonderful starseeds in a dedicated post.

Go gently my friends. We are all doing our best.
Love you . ♥️

Photo by gorgeous at the closing ceremony on Friday ✨

28/11/2024

Immersing myself in a retreat here in Ibiza and enjoying being mainly unplugged from the grid for a while… working on myself and my healing.

Today we watched the sunset behind Es Vedrá, a magical and life affirming moment I’ve been wanting to experience for a very long time.

Grateful beyond words. 🙏🏼✨

Love to all. ♥️

22/11/2024

Hello friends! Been struggling a bit lately, sometimes everything just catches up on you doesn’t it. This year has been painful for so many, I’m sending my love to everyone who is finding it challenging and also to everyone who is missing someone and apprehensive about this Christmas. You’re not alone.

Something I’ve found helpful for when I’m feeling particularly unhinged (😂) is to just notice the little joys around you. The glimmers. It might be snuggling up with your favourite film, going somewhere you love, eating your fave comfort food (mine is always Pho 🍜), watching the colours in the sky… can be absolutely anything that brings you peace. It absolutely doesn’t solve every problem of course, but it does give your brain and your soul a rest. When I look for these glimmers of joy and comfort it’s funny how suddenly I notice more and more of them.

Here are some photos of Borough Market yesterday looking festive and sparkly. One of my favourite places in London. One of my glimmers. ✨

Big love to you all. ♥️

14/11/2024

For those that have followed me a long time you will have seen that after my surgery I spent the first 6 months mainly in hospital due to complications. Many of these were to do with my poor wee kidneys and bladder.

My bladder and ureter were operated on and I had an indwelling catheter for many months aswell as stents in my left ureter. Without catheters my bladder doesn’t work properly, my kidneys swell (hydronephrosis) and my kidney function deteriorates which can be life threatening.

With the catheters I was using before I had so much bother, constant readmissions to hospital, constant kidney infections, almost had nephrostomies put in… I built up a resistance to antibiotics as I was taking them so often.

Then my friend Aoife who had a long term bladder condition told me about Infyna Chic catheters and it’s not an exaggeration to say that they changed my life.

These wonderful humans in the photo are the people that designed, tested and made the Hollister Infyna Chic catheter. It took 7 years of hard work and dedication. The design is discreet and helps me to feel that I’m not carrying a medical device around and the catheter performs so well it’s literally stopped my constant hospital visits and feeling so poorly all the time with urinary and kidney infections.

When you live with medical conditions and when you’ve managed to survive cancer, you want to feel normal and go out and live your life as much as possible. After my surgery it’s impossible to feel normal but the infyna chic catheter has improved my quality of life so much. It’s helped me be free of an indwelling catheter (tube constantly coming out of my bladder and urethra) and this catheter helps me do so without constant infection.

It may seem strange to many reading this, to be so excited about a catheter, but these people have changed my life. What an absolute pleasure and honour to meet these clever humans. They have improved my quality life and I’m sure many many others too.

Also… these are safety shoes not a fashion choice. 😂♥️

07/11/2024

Our Coco ♥️

An honour to help carry you on your final journey though I didn’t want to walk away.

You’ll be with us all, in all we do. The most bright, beautiful, life-loving special soul. Our hearts are broken and we will miss you forever. Thank you for being in my life I am so so lucky to know and love you.

Fly high my sister ♥️

06/11/2024

T h e r a p y 🧜‍♀️ 💙

05/11/2024

I laid on the beach today looking at the sky and listening to the sea, I remember one of the last things my sweet coco said when we went to see her in the hospice… “do it for me, because I can’t do it”.

I think it’s easy to forget that even the most basic and normal things are a blessing. It doesn’t mean that things aren’t hard sometimes and that we aren’t sad sometimes and that we don’t miss the people we lose… but we are here and what they does mean that we have a chance to find the happiness and sweetness in each day. We aren’t here for long, our little stories are our own and they are unique, even on the hard days let’s look for the light. For us and for our dearest who don’t get the chance to.

Miss you and love you mi Cocó, you changed my life. ♥️

03/11/2024

In the deepest depths of rugged and beautiful Cornwall for a residency with ♥️

I prayed for these times, doing meaningful things that I love, with wonderful people.

Sometimes with all the things that happen in life we forget that some of the things we asked for are happening right now. We are living them. So grateful for that.

Excited for the days ahead, working with these creative souls in such a stunning place.

I came to sit by the sea and watch the light of today disappear and spoke to my Dad. I feel him here by the sea, so much. Oh and earlier on our coastal walk a noisy little Robin came to see my friend, really trying to get her attention… and she felt it was my Dad. I think so too. ♥️

02/11/2024

Thank you to these beautiful souls for the most special workshop today with ♥️

Thank you for your big hearts and beautiful energy. It was such a special day and I’m so thankful to have us the chance to move with you.

Cancer takes so much from you but we are still capable of so much. Today we moved our bodies, appreciated what they can still do, appreciated each other and created some beeeeautiful dancing.

Dancing is healing and movement is medicine.

Can’t wait to continue these workshops and classes, I hope to see you soon. ♥️

31/10/2024

I really feel called to write this. A duty of care if you like, as I post videos of my prancing around. A note on survivorship.

We get to choose what we share with the world. I think that can make life look a little different than it feels to live it.

I choose not to share the days I’m navigating physical pain/health issues nor the days I’m consumed with grief. The tears that are shed because I want a body that functions normally or I can’t handle another day of chronic pain. The tears I shed because I watched my dad die and I miss him. The heartache of then losing a best friend.

Body wise, after a surgery like mine we don’t just get up and ease into the day, it takes effort from the moment you open your eyes… self catheterising, changing bags, meds, exercises. I can’t eat normally due to pain because my insides are a mess from the surgery, so have had to find a diet my insides can manage, sometimes that means days on liquids only. My body is unrealiable which means I often have to cancel plans.

I’m not going to sit here and share the times I’m writhing in pain nor will I film myself crying. I want to show making the most of each day, because I’m grateful for every one, the easy and the hard days and everything in between. I have done consistent work on my body for the past 4 years to gain strength to be able to do things, one of those things being getting back to dance. Part of my spine and pelvic bone was removed, to this day I can’t feel much of my left leg. But I can dance, how clever of my body to find a way!

I want to show that there is a life to be lived, despite the challenges and that we can find so much joy.

But also, I want to acknowledge for everyone that is finding it difficult, yes this is hard. It takes hard work. Survivorship is a blessing but it’s also hard. It will hurt your heart. It takes effort. You will lose parts of you but you will find new things about yourself. You will find happiness in things you didn’t think twice about before. You will feel deep gratitude when you realise how far your body and your soul have come.

And you will learn that you are capable of more than you ever gave yourself credit for. ♥️

23/10/2024

Autumn Days 🍁

Really didn’t feel like it today but made myself get out and go for a swim (because I have the privilege of being able to) and spend some time in nature and wow do I feel a million times better for it. ♥️

21/10/2024

Found myself in my dancing again. Whatever you’re going through please keep seeking out the things that bring you joy and do them often. It truly helps.

Dance was my whole life up until I got cancer and there was a strong possibility I’d not be able to do it again after the surgery I had… and sure, I can’t do it in the way I used to, but 4 years of hard work and hard work every day getting this body up and running, I’m back doing what I love and hope to share that with you too.

Dancing is so healing and a beautiful way to reconnect with our bodies after trauma/illness/injury/surgery.

I have lots of plans for classes (in person and online) coming up so I’ll keep you updated. First off will be my workshop with the amazing charity for young cancer patients who have been diagnosed age 40 or under. It will be on 2nd Nov in London and if you’d like to join then please see the link in my bio or book via the trekstock website. It’s free and no previous dance experience necessary. It will also be an inclusive workshop so can be adapted for all bodies.

Much love to you all and I hope you have a beautiful day ahead. ♥️

iamnatwoodward

24/12/2024

16/12/2024

14/12/2024

07/12/2024

07/12/2024

04/12/2024

02/12/2024

28/11/2024

22/11/2024

14/11/2024

07/11/2024

06/11/2024

05/11/2024

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