TIC News is humor - nothing but humor. It is based in fact, but completely made up.
It is meant to make you smile and sometimes see the ridiculous ways that today's news is presented.
Diane just told me that she would not support me if I jumped into politics, but I thought maybe I could move to Mexico and run for president there, so I could tell Egypt what to do. She thought that, should I become president of Mexico, the cartels would probably assassinate me. That might work too. If I am dead, I could tell Biden what to do.
Our trusted correspondent, sent to cover the events of MLK day, stumbled when he (or she) reported hearing from a person who heard a person who heard some of President Biden's advisors tell him it was time to once again turn the tables of the Republicans. The reported overheard conversation included a person unknown telling the president that the Republicans had been using the words 'dementia' and 'demented' too often lately and the president must do everything in his power to turn the tables and start using those words to describe Republicans.
BUSY TIME IN EL PASO
We just received word from one of our mostly reliable sources that Hunter Biden has been dispatched to El Paso to help clean things up there prior to his father (the 'Big Guy') landing there. According to an independent source, a large crime scene cleanup company has been contacted to oversee the removal of several fentanyl vending machines and several thousand pounds of trash that will be temporarily stored in shipping containers along the border. In addition, a small clothing store, which went out of business during the COVID lockdowns, is being subjected to seizure of several items of clothing to make some of the people living on the street appear better dressed.
Another source who claims to have once observed Hunter's new lawyer with Bill Clinton tells us that some Hollywood people are providing some building facades used in the making of the movie "El Paso" in 1949. The sets will be used to hide some of the background from the president and give him a better sense of his surroundings.
CNN VOICES CONCERN OVER "UNNAMED SOURCES"
A recent dispatch from one of our reporters unveiled a potentially devastating situation for our rival fake news outlet, CNN.
According to our information, the mother of the "Unnamed Source" is seriously considering naming "it" sometime soon. She is considering naming "it" Avery, but is hesitant to apply a label. We at TIC News are facing a similar problem, but our unnamed sources both live in the same basement and have assured us that they will pick their own names when the time is right. They gave us this assurance at 8:00 a.m. and we do not know as of yet when the time will be right.
More later.
Merry Christmas (and that is not a fake statement)
The public is clamoring for more fake news. Our virtual mailbox is throbbing with information, adding to our admittedly fake news. The latest is from a source reported to have been on a temporary assignment with an employment agency in to fill a vacancy in the Whitehouse cleaning staff. The source reports that the recent negotiation for the release of Brittany Griner from a Russian prison has occupied the time of many of the former intel people that were assigned to meet with Twitter executives and have recently been reassigned to other duties.
According to the source, Putin would have taken other people in the exchange, but logistics could not be worked out to send him Kamala Harris, Alexandria Ocasio Cortez or Hunter Biden. That is when the proposal to trade the "Merchant of Death" was placed on the table. As reported, President Biden was asked why other Russian prisoners were not in the trade deal, he responded that the most important thing at this time is to bring attention to a black, gay woman who had mastered the art of dribbling.
A once reliable source at the Pentagon provided information that officials had nixed a plan to greet Griner upon her arrival back in the United States because a greeter at the airport had requested the greeting include a rendition of the National Anthem. We have not yet confirmed that information, and we will probably not try to do so.
Just a couple of things came to our attention and requires our comments, which are entirely fake, but, unlike other fake news outlets, we tell you so up front.
We heard today from a source that once was close to Kamala Harris (there are so many of those that we do not think we we are jeopardizing anyone). Seems an unidentified reporter asked the Whitehouse why President Biden will not be visiting the border in his upcoming trip to Arizona. They say that the President is concerned that his presence would detract from the duties of the recently re-assigned TSA agents who are helping single immigrant mothers change diapers and mix formula. It is also rumored that a recently remodeled bathroom in the Whitehouse will allow Biden to take a shower without getting his feet wet.
For those of you who wonder how the "Whitehouse" can respond to questions, we point out that the building also has wings and President Biden is reportedly asking for the wings to be upgraded so he can just fly the whole works to Delaware for a much needed vacation.
When one of the FBI agents was asked recently about the agency's involvement in the Idaho murders, he is reported to have replied that the DOJ wants the Bureau to focus on the possibility that the perp may have also had a gun.
More TIC News as it becomes available.
We were so excited this morning when we learned that TIC News was back in our control. We must remind our loyal visitors (we lost a lot of them this last year) must understand that TIC News is, like so many news outlets, full of fake news. The big difference here is that we admit it up front.
The YouTube version will be up as soon as we can get things ready. During our stand-in-the-corner time, our make-up artist took a job with The View. We understand that she failed in her efforts to make certain people on The View look good and the fact that nearly six buckets of make-up needed for her task has been stranded on a dock near San Francisco.
Earlier today we learned of a photographer, who found a "body sized" trunk while walking on a Florida beach, can rest easier now. The rumors that Hillary Clinton fainted when she heard the news appears to be false.
We know now that Fox News is investigating an unsolved burglary that happened in a small Colorado town in 1960. They have reportedly called in the son of a retired mall security guard from Northern Alberta, Canada to advise them on the case. Nearly six dollars worth of year-old Easter candy was taken in the burglary and has never been recovered.
Our secret source with connections to some of the people who have some connections to some of the people who are connected to the Biden Administration tell us that President Biden will be coming back to the White House soon to prepare for the January celebration of National Bubble Bath day before he heads out for a much needed Valentine's Day vacation.
We will keep you posted on any facts we make up as they become available. Welcome back and bring in some of your friends.
We finally contacted our Washington correspondent. She was missing for awhile because she was searching for a billionaire that would lend her an estate for a weekend party. At any rate, she reports that her fly-on-the-wall source has reported that a recent conversation took place among some unnamed advisors to the current administration. Evidently someone in the room had some questions about the Afghanistan pull-out.Here a just a few of the questions and the purported overheard answers:
Question: I undestand that more than 600,00 small arms were left behind. Why is that?
Answer: If we brought them back home, they may have fallen into the hands of dangerous people.
Question: Well, how about the reported 2,000 armored vehicles?
Answer: There, again, we did not want to bring them home. They may have been assigned for use by police agencies or something like that.
Question: Ok, but what about all the U.S. Currency that was left there?
Answer: It just did not make sense to go through all the shipping problems when we can simply print more here at home and provide worthwhile jobs in a govenment printing facility.
We must point out that the quotes are mostly exact and that the questions were disallowed after just a few because, as one of the participants reportedly said, "You are really not entitled to this information."
It has been some time since we heard from our roving reporter. He (or she) claimed to have been stranded on an island with no intelligent life, but after getting off the Island of Manhattan and finding his (or her) way to Albany, we learned that he (or she) confirmed that certain New York officials are pushing to give non-citizens voting privileges in that state. One unnamed source has also provided information that the powers-that-be in New York want to extend the time for accepting mail-in ballots so the people in China can vote more easily. The source stated that, "It is only fair that those who have so much influence on our economy be allowed to vote for American leaders. This is an ongoing attempt by TIC new to keep you befuddled. Check back some day for more.
GUNS ESCAPE CUSTODY
We just received word from our crime correspondent, who once worked as a security guard for a nail spa, that several guns have escaped from a gun safe in a small western Colorado town. According to the report, it is unknown exactly when the guns escaped.
It is believed that one gun, known only as AR, is the ringleader of the fugitive guns. AR's gender is unknown. Two handguns, believed to be known as Smith and Wesson are among the escapees, as is one shotgun. Also at large is a single action C**t .45 that is rumored to have learned to load itself without human intervention. C**t could be the one responsible for manipulating the lock on the safe from the inside.
These dangerous fi****ms could be anywhere. If seen, do not approach!
We have attempted to contact the local FBI agent, but were informed that he (or she) is presently busy attending school board meetings.
Our entertainment contacts in, who claim to be close to the Punch and Judy shows across the nation, reported this morning that Kamala Harris has been nominated for an Emmy award, and for a high award in Canada as well. According to the report, which is written in disappearing ink in her honor, Harris gave an outstanding performance with a group of teenage actors from Canada portraying young adults as persons interested in the craters on the moon. This is a developing story. Stay tuned.
Our fly on the wall has once again had a busy week. He (or she) landed in the office of Interior Secretary Deb Haaland recently while the announcement of a decision on the location of the BLM headquarters was being discussed. When Haaland said she had decided that there was a need for two BLM headquarters because Colorado governor Polis was not to be crossed, someone in the room asked if that didn't mean a duplication of expense too. Haaland is reported to have replied, "That is no problem. We are also duplicating dollar bills by the billions. Our only concern is getting cheap ink from China."
After some concerning information being received, and the proliferation of the new salt guns, we have finally renewed contact with our fly-on-the-wall anonymous reporter. He(or she) tells us that, immediately after President Biden announced the new mask mandates, a high level meeting involving Biden and his advisors and instructors. They expressed concern that not enough people are listening to the president. It was suggested that a new mandate requiring everyone to wear earplugs at all times, except when the administration is releasing news. Penalties for failure to wear the earplugs is still being discussed and will be announced later. Any of the commercially available earplugs will be acceptable, except the use of the noise-cancelling ear muffs is discourged, as they may automatically mute most people involved in the administration. Biden is said to be in favor of the mandate saying, "Come on man, if they won't listen to me they should not be allowed to listen to anyone else."
One of our favorite informants, known to many as "The Fly On The Wall," reports that the Biden advisor, who will likely be named to the cabinet as the new Secretary of Instruction, was recently reviewing the comments that the president was going to make upon his visit to areas affected by tropical storm Ida. He (or she) was oveheard saying, "Mr. President, I agree that we got lucky with this storm. It will, in fact, take people's minds off Afghanistan, but you cannot refer to the storm as an 'overwhelming success.' Now finish your nap and we will talk later."
Our roaming correspondent just called in from somewhere near Wagon Wheel Gap, where Colorado Dept. of Transportation is believed to be awaiting a photo op meeting with Governor Polis so he can have his picture taken with a piece of the Silver Thread byway, which he claims to have acquired from Kit Carson's brother-in-law, who is supposed to have lived in the area in 1840. When confronted about the date, Polis is said to have replied, "I know it was over 180 years ago, but I recently mandated that all historic events were my doing - no more questions."
We now learn that our president is in the statement editing room preparing to be instructed to announce that the immigration status at the southern border, the high price of oil, gasoline and fuel, the hidden unemployment figures of those sitting on their butts and collecting our tax money and the erosion of individual rights are all "great successes."
Of course all the editors involved are part of the reported formation of the of the Office of Instruction, headed by a yet-to-be announced Secretary of Instruction.
We hate to keep relying on our Pennsylvania Avenue informant, but this information from him (or her) has been corroborated by a person who was once a hall monitor in the high school, which had the same mascot as the one revered by the high scool attended by Kamala Harris.
It is reported that Harris gained access to a teleprompter frequently used by the president. Although we cannot confirm all the information, it seems a Joe Biden resignation statement was entered into the data base of the teleprompter, but the statement was written by Kamala Harris. She is reported to have said, "Hell, I thought he would just read it out loud to a news briefing. He reads everything else without really knowing what he is saying."
This is a broken story - stay tuned for some more - maybe.
Our Pennsylvania Avenue informant now tells us that President Biden is preparing to create a new cabinet post. The Secretary ofI Instruction will be in charge of telling the President what to say, who to say it to and when to say it. Our source says the person being considered is already functioning in the new capacity, as evidenced by the recent press briefing where Biden clearly said, "I have been instructed to call on..."
We have also learned that the soon-to-be SOI has already "instructed" Biden as follows: "Do not say anything that has not been written by us; do not ad lib and do not say, "Come on Man" unless instructed to do so.
According to an unknown source, who lives on Pennsylvania Avenue in Denver, and therefore is considered to be wise, much like others who live on similarly named streets, President Biden, in a recent conversation with himself discussed the possibility of asking for a congressional inquiry to determine if former President Trump has been secretly delivering telepathic thoughts to him during his napping hours.
Our roving reporter, who is waiting for Biden or Polis to send him some money for gas, recently sent us a photo. He (or she for those who are keeping track) said the sign is on some roadway, somewhere near the Colorado Border to some state
Our Asian contacts have been going crazy lately. Seems this lady named Harris in roaming around Saigon asking how the hell so many people got out so quickly back in the 1970s. She is reportedly taking notes, but did not know how to spell "Kampuchea," and asked one official where the "camp" was.
When President Biden was awakened from a morning nap this morning and advised of a possible bomb in a pickup truck outside the Library of Congress, he is reported to have asked, "It isn't one of those electric pickups I drove is it? If it is let's try to keep a lid on this. We don't need any bad publicity.
When one aid reportedly asked, "Is there anything else, Mr. President?," the Commander-in-Chief is reported to have replied, "I will not be taking any further questions at this time. Good night."
We heard today from one of our sources that lives somewhere near D.C. that Kamala Harriss was observed with her fists clenched, stomping and giggling like a little girl when the news broke about the bad decisions Biden made regarding Afghanistan. She is reported as repeating "yes, yes, yes" and confiding. "it is finally happening, and maybe, just maybe, it will be a Republican that first brings up the 25th Amendment and put me where I belong in that Oval Office"
More on this later.
This telegram just in from one of our stations on, or near, the Midland Railroad: For the third time this week President Biden, upon awakening from his mid-day nap, found V.P. Harris in the Oval Office. According to a secretive service type, the Vice President was singing Glen Campbell's song "I Ain't Gonna Miss You" when the President walked in.
We now have learned from one of our alleged sources that Western Colorado and much of the west in general is being considered for geographical name changes to go along with the Democrat-led racial equity program. Being considered for name changes are: The Black Canyon, The White River, Red Mountain, Yellowstone, Yellow Knife, Whitefish and White House Mountain, just to name a few.
Our source that worked across the street from a favorite FBI diner now tells us that the president is going all-out to get irreputable gun dealers and is ready to tell the world that the streets will be safer after he re-ignites the Obama "Fast and Furious" campaign.
Tongue In Cheek News, where all news is fake, is back. Today we learned from an almost reliable source that Gov. Polis is encouraging Colorado to disassociate itself from anything relating to guns. He is proposing that the towns of Gunnison and Gun Barrel immediately change their names. He has proposed Polison and Beer Barrel and he hopes Canon City will consider a change because the name without the tilde might be construed to a literal reference to the big barreled weapons. More later. We are committed to keep our tongue in our cheek for the very best in fake news.
TIC News has just learned from a source, who is reportedly friends of Nancy Pelozi's dentist, that Rep. Pelozi, responding to the critical shortage of toilet paper, has agreed to reconstitute several hundred thousand pages of legislation, most of it unread, and turn it back into its original toilet paper form. Supposedly Pelozi has appointed a young lady named Kimberly Clark to head up the effort.
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