06/10/2022
Polyam is wild.
Text of the post:
My life is a s**tpost.
So last year, I decided to fully embrace the fact that I am polyamorous. I talked about it with my partner at the time, who turned out to also be polyamorous upon further introspection, and we opened our relationship. The one problem with this is that I am extremely gay, had many people who wanted to date me and vice versa, and tend to take my own limitations as a challenge. As the illustrious -and-the-wilde put it, being gay is a competition, one that I intend to win. So I ended up dating twenty people.
Yeah, you read that right. Twenty mo*********ng people. Simultaneously.
You must be thinking, "Neon, you're bats**t. Twenty people AT ONCE? That's a whole lot of people."
Thing is, I AM bats**t. That's kind of the problem. I LIKE dating this many people at once. It ensures that I am never bored, which is a VERY, VERY bad place for me to be in. It also ensures that there's endless storytelling material that turns out in some cases to read as stranger than fiction. Because think about it. You tell someone "hey, I am polyamorous and am dating twenty people simultaneously" and that turns heads, even in the polyamorous community.
But if you tell that to a normie on the street, they're not only curious, they're INVESTED because there's OBVIOUSLY a tittillating story behind how I found myself here. [In Bill Wurtz jingle voice] How did this happen? I have them hooked, mayhaps for hours.
Factor in the fact that the people I'm dating are all very different from each other and they're all very intense in their own right, and you get some funky interactions. For example:
Last night, my queerplatonic partner, who we shall call Blowtorch for reasons, texted me when I was very tired and winding down for bed regarding some proposed improvements for the sport of football. Now, it's important to note that when I am very tired, I don't get normal levels of sleepy. I get delirious. Insleepriated, if you will. So I read over Blowtorch's message and began to almost cry laughing because this man sent me the following:
"To improve the game of football, I propose the following: The addition of three additional game pieces. The Roomba, the Zoomba and the Kaboomba. The Roomba is just a Roomba, if a player touches it their team loses a certain number of points. The Zoomba is also basically a Roomba but fast and durable enough to crash into players' ankles and become a tripping hazard. The Kaboomba explodes. Every quarter, a wheel is spun to determine which one will be set loose on the field for that quarter. If the Kaboomba is selected, it is set on a timer using a random number generator so no one knows when it will go off.
'Ohhhh no it's utter pandemonium on the field here today; the Kaboomba spoiling a very promising touchdown attempt by number 27, it appears that it went off directly underneath him and... oh no, they're bringing out the bag and pistol, this is a sad day for this team'"
I lost my s**t at the last paragraph especially. I was howling. Unfortunately, one of the three (3) partners I live with was winding down for sleep and was tired of my bulls**t from the first stifled giggle. We share a bed for at least part of the night most nights. We will call her Kira for reasons. So Kira turned to me and said in this utterly deadpan voice, "what?"
I was still desperately trying - and failing - to stop laughing and I know better than to try and explain s**t when I'm deliriously tired like that. So I kept giggling and she followed up her question with a quietly muttered "f**k-knuckle." We insult each other to play, so this is not out of character for her.
If you think thought that I was going to sit there and take this utter insult upon my honor silently, you are mistaken. So after a flurry of increasingly nonsensical threats, she started calling me "twinklef**k".
I couldn't come up with a more nonsensical insult, so I went to sleep, having lost the Insult Game, disgraced.
I love my partners.
