Single File Please

05/02/2025

BIRMINGHAM, ENGLAND:- Peter Shelton represents a lobby group named Cyclists Have Feelings and today he says he'ss outraged.

"This abuse has to got to stop!" he says as he screams down the phone in yet another highly animated interview. "These idiots at Single File Please are truy horrible people. They have no right to keep attacking cyclists this way. They know cyclists are a minority group. What they're doing is hate speech.

"In any other segment of life, if you attack someone on the basis of their religion, your posts will get taken off air. But not when you attack cyclists. It's not fair!"

Peter Shelton is fuming about a recent bit of satire which suggests cyclists have no idea how to follow the road rules, and instead, they often ride all over the road including pedestrian sidewalks.

It seems everyone can see the humour - except cyclists.

"Cyclists are incredibly hurt by this," he adds while getting more agitated with every breath. "We started the Cyclists Have Feelings lobby group precisely because of targeted hate speech like this.

"Every time these as****es at Single File Please release another image which ridicules cyclists, it hurts our feelings. You shouldn't be allowed to incite violence by ridiculing a minority group, and cyclists are outraged this is allowed to keep happening."

When it was suggested to him that cyclists are a humourless lot who are prone to exaggerating their problems in life, Peter Shelton didn't hold back.

"Excuse me? It doesn't matter that the only thing that defines cyclists (as a minority group) is an expensive hobby that they can walk away from any time they want. It isn't relevant. What counts is cyclists have a right to NOT be offended. They have feelings!"

Peter Shelton has refused to take our further phone calls.

04/02/2025

Single File is such an easy, polite thing to do. Well, it is for most people.

01/02/2025

Ask your typical cyclist if Compulsory Single File should be mandatory and they'll say "Hell no!", but then if you show them this image they start to realise what the problem is.

28/01/2025

It's such an easy thing to fix... unfortunately most recreational cyclists believe they should be allowed to prioritise recreation over utility when sharing the road system.

27/01/2025

MELBOURNE, AUS:- Speaking with obvious pride as he describes his newly found confidence when he enters a coffee shop in cycling gear, James Noel says the decision to get thigh implants has reshaped not only his legs, but his life in general.

"Honestly, I can understand now why women get breast implants," he beams. "My life has never been better, my life is great!"

At a cost of roughly $8000 for the procedure, James reckons it's the best investment he's ever made.

"I can't believe how my life has turned around since I took up cycling. How often do you get to stand in front of an elegant dressed woman in a cafe who is on her way to work, wearing nothing but sheer stinking sweaty lycra which shows off your hairy arse crack? The looks I get are so admiring now. I can tell chicks love it."

When asked if his need for a false appearance does not betray a deeper problem regarding insecurity, James Noel says nothing could be further from the truth.

"Why not look the best you can look in life? Have you seen how awesome the legs on a pro cyclist are? They're unbelievable. Why do all the hard work to get legs that look like than when you can just get implants? I'm hooked, next month I'm also getting chest muscle implants too."

In a trend which many surgical clinicians find exceedingly worrying, it seems middle aged cyclists are obsessed with pretending they look just like a professional, often overlooking the fact most professional cyclists verge on being anorexic with very little upper body muscle tone due to such muscle being unnecessary dead weight.

Doctor Peter Montgomery from Sydney's St Vincent's Hospital says the trend regarding thigh implants is possibly the most extreme case of body dysphoria he has ever seen among males.

"Look, I can understand why people would consider plastic surgery, but this.... this is just plain weird. In fact, this whole middle aged men pretending they're pro cyclists thing is just plain weird.

"For many of these middle aged bike riders, they spend more time sitting down in coffee shops eating junk calories than they do with actually burning them off.

"But then on top of that they're completely unaware how much they stink because of the body odour they built up on a 3 hour ride in the sun."

26/01/2025

Credit where credit is due. Cyclists are able to p**s off more people per square mile than any other segment of society.

24/01/2025

LOS ANGELES, CA: A new trial featuring a helmet which zaps bike riders with a 50,000 volt shock whenever they don't ride in a bike lane has been met with outrage by cycling advocates who say the idea is barbaric.

Peter Shelton, from the Cyclists Have Feelings lobby group, says he can't take it anymore. "Every day another hurtful meme comes across my desk which seeks to belittle middle aged men in lyrcra. The people who keep making these memes think it's funny - but it's not. It's NOT funny!

It seems everyone can see the humour - except cyclists.

"Cyclists are incredibly hurt by this, it's a form of hate speech," he continues while getting even more agitated with every question. "Cyclists are a known minority group and they're tired of being laughed at. It's irrelevant that most of them are wealthy middle aged white guys who can afford a new $10,000 bike each year. What counts is they're a minority group and we need to protect their feelings.

"Every time these as****es at Single File Please edit an image and twist the original message it's nothing more than hate speech, it's a form of racism. They're inciting violence towards a minority group and they should go to jail! Cyclists are outraged by this, OUTRAGED!"

When it was suggested to him that cyclists are a humourless lot who are prone to exaggerating their problems in life, Peter Shelton didn't hold back.

"Excuse me? That right there, is where the problem starts. Can you not see, with that one simple question, how you're inciting violence towards vulnerable road users? Do you not understand? Cyclists have a right to NOT be offended!"

Peter Shelton has refused to take our further phone calls.

23/01/2025

Not the brightest bulb in the box...

22/01/2025

But... but... we don't want to ride single file...

21/01/2025

CANBERRA, AUS:- Cycling advocates are seething with outrage today with a new safety campaign advising cyclists to ride single file.

"It's appalling, absolutely appalling," says Peter Shelton from the Cyclists Have Feelings lobby group. "Whoever signed off on this publicity campaign needs to be be sacked."

Mr Shelton says the safety campaign amounts to hate speech because it advocates violence against a known minority group.

"Look at the message it's sending," he adds. "Can you see what it's saying? It says commit murder on cyclists. That's what it's saying. And it's on the back of a bus. It's hate speech!"

When confronted with the suggestion that the image is actually a bit of satire designed to wind up bike riders, Mr Shelton becomes highly agitated. "Cyclists never talk while riding. They don't do that, they NEVER talk to each other while they're riding. It's nothing but a lie created by motorists to hurt our feelings. Cyclists ride two abreast for just one reason - to make it easier for drivers to pass. That's the only reason!"

When asked why cyclists simply don't ride in smaller groups then, to make it even MORE easy to pass, Mr Shelton inexplicably responded with "They ride in large groups because it's more fun. They love to chat while riding... no.... they umm..... no.... they never talk while riding.... they ride in large groups because.... ummmm.... oh just F**k Off!"

Mr Shelton has refused to take our subsequent phone calls

21/01/2025

It's a legitimate question. If you're a cyclist, how could you NOT see a Fire Truck?

A truly amazing video has gone viral which features an incident between a cyclist and a London fire truck. Depending your point of view (which, in reality, is determined by whether you’re a cyclist or not) the video shows a cyclist almost being killed by a driver in a fire truck who didn’t care ...

20/01/2025

LONDON, ENGLAND:- Peter Shelton from the Cyclists Have Feelings lobby group is outraged. And he wants something done about it.

"It's not fair," he says as he shouts down the phone in yet another highly animated interview. "They have no right to do this. They're sabotaging a safety campaign. They have no right to take a photo and edit it so that it sends a completely different message. It's not fair!"

Peter Shelton is fuming about a recent bit of satire which has come across his desk. A photo of 4 ladies on bikes was edited to convey their happiness to ride single file.

It seems everyone can see the humour - except cyclists.

"Cyclists are incredibly hurt by this, it's a form of hate speech," he continues while getting even more agitated with every question. "Cyclists all over the globe spend hours and hours on social media every day looking for incidents which validate their belief they're the most persecuted minority group on the planet.

"People don't get it. Nobody gets to play the victim more than cyclists, and we've worked very hard to position ourselves at the top of the victim hierarchy totem pole. It's taken a lot of hard work to get there.

"Every time these as****es at Single File Please edit an image and twist the original message it's nothing more than hate speech, it's a form of racism. They're inciting violence towards a minority group and they should go to jail! Cyclists are outraged by this, OUTRAGED!"

When it was suggested to him that cyclists are a humourless lot who are prone to exaggerating their problems in life, Peter Shelton didn't hold back.

"Excuse me? That right there, is where the problem starts. Can you not see, with that one simple question, how you're inciting violence towards vulnerable road users? This is the problem with free speech - people keep saying things that hurt our feelings. Do they not understand? Cyclists have a right to NOT be offended!"

Peter Shelton has refused to take our further phone calls.

20/01/2025

A public service announcement.

19/01/2025

Cycling deaths in The Netherlands soar to highest levels in 30 years.

This will definitely cause some cognitive dissonance amongst the cycling lobby.

19/01/2025

Gold....

19/01/2025

The Safe Passing Laws are well intentioned. But how are they supposed to work when people keep getting into cars while high on drugs?

What do we do now? It’s a fair enough question. I happily supported the Safe Passing Laws when they were first introduced into Australia. After all, there’s nothing wrong with people riding to work if their circumstances allow it. The Safe Passing Laws are well intentioned, especially when there...

01/01/2025

Cycling Crash - Nice Job Bird Brain

15/01/2024

Yet more evidence of why so many citizens want the relevant legislation to change regarding cycling two abreast.

They claim they do it because it's "quicker to pass" but they're lying. Not only to us, but to themselves too. That claim makes no allowance for oncoming traffic. In reality, cyclists ride two abreast so they can chat. Why should the entire road system have to accommodate cyclists who want to engage in a chat?

Credit: Darren Gilligan