04/10/2023
Enoch walked with GOD and he was no more, For GOD took him. (Gen 5:21-25)
I often pray GOD does the same for me. I've been through so much pain in my life. The last 7 years, my wife leaving, I've become so alone. I've become so bitter. I trust no one and I don't believe in promises no more. People tend to only want to abandon and hurt me. So I question my worth. Clearly GOD says I'm worth something because no matter how many times I ask HIM to just bring me home to HIM just like HE did for Enoch. HE leaves me here. Sometimes I think it's to suffer. But I believe it's to over come these obstacle and defeat this battle and come out on top. But why. I often think what's the point. The love of my life ripped my heart out. My closest friends abandoned me. What do I have to prove. I can't even be something someone truly cares about. The loneliness seeps in. Thus break up was my choice. I was being treated like a monster. Everyone has treated me like a monster. Including my best friend, my love. Everyone is quick to point out the dust in my eye but no one looks at the tree in there's.
Do you understand what it's like to be abandoned left in a place where the walls talk. Not sure if you'll get to come out because you stupidly thought your life was worth protecting. Since then my friends, my ex wife, my department, have all showed me it wasn't worth protecting. Do you know what it's like to wake up and be disappointed you see another day. Yet you keep moving because you owe this blessing of even being alive to GOD. No matter the pain. You tell yourself and continue to fight to believe that GOD has plan. You fight for what HE called you to do. This whole time lost about who you are. This whole time alone wondering if GOD will allow you to have someone and a family. Someone who will fight for you and bring you from the depths of the pit when you are lost. You know you have JESUS and hold on to that because you learn the hard way that you can't rely on no one. You feel you are destined to be a lone sheepdog. That you guide the sheep to the good shepherd but there is no one on earth for you. My dreams of the future were crushed. I pray once my assignment from GOD is done. That like Enoch GOD takes me! I don't wanna be here anymore. But I do wanna save others for GOD. So not my will but HIS! This is my cup!