Newport folk pointing at things (2024)

08/02/2024

If you were wondering why the high street was busy this morning it was because shoppers thought they saw Rod Stewart in Poundland. It was actually Lady Ponce from the Bradford estate launching her new line of fruity cider. She has vowed never to return as her driver couldn’t find anywhere to park and she was hounded by 13 scruffy men all smoking outside Ozzies begging her to sign copies of “Sailing” on vinyl. Staff in Poundland said there would have been even more of a crowd but at that time of day their regulars were sat at home scrounging free stuff from a local Facebook random acts page.

23/01/2024

Jim’s prized possession mistaken for a dog. Jim Bowen, former presenter of Bullseye who now lives just outside Newport, will not forgive his “stupid wife” for auctioning off his extra large Bully toy after hearing on the news they are now banned. When Jim realised it had gone he raced down to Brettells just in time to see it snapped up by Swarthy Barry, a dealer with half a tub of brylcream in his hair and a strong smell of Hai Karate. He tried to buy it back but was unsuccessful although he managed to grab one last photo of Bully.

19/01/2024

Newport’s own Labour councillor was put to the test today. Mark had his yearly proficiency test in councillorism. One question was to show the examiner, Clare, what a pothole was. Unfortunately for Mark he asked “is that one” instead of confidently identifying it. He will have the chance to resit next month.

17/01/2024

Dog walkers are the shame of the town says Cliff. He’s had enough of irresponsible dog walkers who he claims “just take them out so they can s**t everywhere”. Cliff spends in the region of 1 hour a week cleaning excrement off his sandals and has threatened to follow those responsible home and curl out a few on their driveways to see if they like it. He wants the phantom sprayer to return with their can of yellow paint. He says it was great as you could spot it a mile off and give it the swerve in good time but these days you don’t stand a chance.

15/01/2024

Mandy is overjoyed to find her pet maggots after bin men refused to empty her wheeliebin. Mandy, a stay at home grandmother was distraught when her collection went walkabout after leaving the lid off their margarine tub. 3 days later she was about to deck one of the bin men after an altercation about not taking her rubbish but suddenly spotted something wriggling round the lid of her wheeliebin. Mandy is over the moon to be reunited with the maggots which she says are part of the family. She celebrated by treating herself to a can of Monster and a pack of B&H.

13/12/2023

Meet your new parking enforcement officer, Boris. Since quitting his job in parliament, which he insists was a setup when photos of him went viral letting his dog foul on pavements (he doesn’t have a dog). He is now settling into his new role of dishing out fines for bad parking and he’s set his sights on the folk of Newport. Be warned he is still bitter and has anger issues with repeat offenders.

03/12/2023

Rupert isn’t happy this morning. He’s spotted local councillors clearing pathways but one just shovelled straight past Rupert’s house shouting something like “do it yourself you idle t**t, it’s not your vote I’m after”. Rupert says 101 have been informed.

03/12/2023

Steve and Bob apologise for not gritting the roads in Newport last night but they refuse to go out in this weather and don’t want to get their beloved Percy dirty. They’ll be out as usual in August to do their trial run but for now it’s feet up time while the work experience dude fetches warm Subway melts.

07/09/2023

Newport residents were in uproar this morning when they woke up to dust everywhere. Marj, on the right, had to cancel her benefits assessment appointment as it was all over her car. Audrey, on the left, has had to hold an umbrella up all day to stop it settling in her new perm. It’s a sign of the times says Harvey, middle of photo. He claims it’s from all the new housing development and insists heads will roll.

30/08/2023

Ken is not happy. He was told by his mate councillor Colin, in the pub Monday night, to put his recycling out instead of his red top bin. The bin men refused to take it and now he’s stuck with it for a week. Ken has tried reporting via the app but had no joy and now looks a complete tit for not putting his red bin out.

31/07/2023

The council have gone too far this time and heads will roll. This tree is to be moved 6 feet from outside a Newport town councillors house as he’s trying to sell it. Meryl, a retired gameshow prize stroker, will have no choice but to have this tree stuck in front of her house, blocking her view of what’s going on in the street.

23/07/2023

King Charles and his mrs dropped in to Newport this weekend to open the Cottage Care Centre’s new toilets. While on a tour they immediately noticed the unmistakable smell of bread rolls from Catherine’s Bakery in the town. He commented saying they are tasty but brought back bad memories of his mother receiving a parking ticket when she visited the shop 2 years ago.

22/07/2023

Broomfield Road residents finally get their wishing well. After months of waiting for planning permission they are at last able to celebrate its arrival. Their wait was also hounded by a local handyman who advertises on Facebook as it took him 4 months to complete the project due to material shortages, groundwork issues and his helper sodding off to Ozzies every couple of hours. T&W council were proud to unveil it last week and help planting the begonia in it.

19/07/2023

Jezz is over the moon Zachs chip shop has reopened. Jezz, who can’t work due to a bad back and bad knees, can’t go out in public without his assistance snake but as soon as he heard his favourite chippy was open again he downed his pint of Stella in the Swan and ran down to Zachs where he ordered the biggest fish and chips with a can of shandy bass to wash it down with.

09/07/2023

King Charles found time to host “Best permed sheep” competition yesterday at the Newport Show. He was highly amused by some peasant who dropped £8 worth of cheeseburger in a pile of cow s**t. Locals were fuming as he managed to purchase a discounted ticket for late arrival.

06/07/2023

Harvey is over the moon with his Neighbour’s entry into Newport Show this weekend. Kim will be entering a nice bunch in the flowery bit and Harvey has offered to tag along and keep them moist for her. Other neighbours say he’s never been so happy and must be on something. Either that or he’s trying to slip Kim something.

05/07/2023

Joseph is fed up with noisy birds in the field next door. Joseph, a retired accountant, moved to Church Aston from Birmingham in search of a quiet retirement but he’s been kept awake every night and woken up early morning by inconsiderate farmers and their flocks of crows. He’s rang 101, 999, Wellington Road Surgery and even wrote to his local MP but has been met with negative responses by everyone.

29/06/2023

George has a complaint. The council have been and cut the grass round town again and made a complete mess. There’s offcuts everywhere and this piece is heading straight for the canal to block it all up! 101 have been called

19/06/2023

The Drip family are furious at new parking charges. They spend most days on this car park eating buckets of KFC in their Zafira but say they’ve been victimised as they now have to pay £3 just to sit there and eat. It’s really put a downer on their favourite part of the day. They can’t afford such charges fearing they will have to sit on double yellows in the town and dodge the trafic warden.

18/06/2023

Parking officer Roy has been out today topping up his holiday fund but he’s returned to his mobility Vauxhall Mokka only to find someone has stuck a joke parking ticket on the windscreen. To say he’s angry is not even close.

17/06/2023

DJ Nige had to stop the music at Mainstreet last night to tell punters to stop urinating off the balcony. This is a regular occurrence on a Friday night and door staff have had to start doing something and place cups around the dance floor to catch the p**s.

11/06/2023

Ethel is not happy. Not happy at all. Yesterday’s Carnival should have been a time for all to enjoy but revellers had nowhere to relieve themselves resulting in queues of people squatting behind Ethel’s shop to take a number 2. To make things worse last nights storm churned it all up and was still draining away this morning. B&M, on the other hand have reported record sales in toilet roll which caused another wave of panic buying, emptying the shelves. Some toilet goers were left red faced and had to use Ethel’s aprons which she had hung out to dry.

10/06/2023

Norman is fuming. The high street has been closed to traffic and he’s been refused entry on his mobility scooter by some nerk in a hi vis vest. He now has to take his slippers off and walk to the bookies. He says the carnival is not inclusive and they won’t be getting his money this year!

28/05/2023

Newport’s very own Banksy has been at it again overnight by painting shadows on the ground. Council are currently trying to remove it before anyone gets offended.

26/05/2023

Paul has had a bad week. He employed the services of a local handyman to decorate his front room. So far all they’ve done is erect this hideous looking thing which he’s caught them punching and doing chin ups on. As yet there’s been no sign of paint or wallpaper and he’s had to clear up 5 bin bags of Greggs wrappers so far.

25/05/2023

A Rare photo of John Travolta has been discovered behind a seat in the British Legion club. It was taken when he visited Mainstreet back in the day. He was keen to point at pigeons sat on the lighting gantry emptying their bowels over the dance floor. It made the Newport & Market Drayton Advertiser with the headline ”Travolta says club is Rivolting”.

23/05/2023

Vince, the construction manager at the housing development site on Station Road, has been causing chaos with traffic lights over the past couple of days. He bought a set from a bloke in Ozzy’s and has set them up right on the roundabout. He’s been sat in his portacabin office with a remote control annoying motorists and says it’s the most fun he’s had since his workforce left their Greggs steak bakes out in the rain last week.

22/05/2023

Kai is fuming. He left his mini digger outside Greggs this morning while he popped in for a few steak bakes but someone has made off with it. He’s extra annoyed as his butties are under the seat along with a signed photo of Jeremy Clarkson which he takes everywhere.

19/05/2023

Local car salesmen Paul and Jim have had their car stolen while they were slurping a few pints of Carling in the Phez. It happened last night as they were knocking a few back and counting their profits from the week. They admit the reg plates on the car may not belong to it but nevertheless they were angry about having to walk home. Paul is trying to show us the spot where it was parked.

12/05/2023

Terence is suing the council as he has lost everything and it’s all the fault of this broken manhole. He stepped in it last month, twisted his ankle and soiled his Adidas Gazelle then filed a claim of personal injury and loss of one trainer. The following day he did the same with the other foot to which he filed another claim. One week later he’s racked up a list of things he’s lost down the manhole including his car keys, 2 mobile phones, 6 antique wedding rings, a laptop and a brand new camera all totalling £25,000.

Newport folk pointing at things

08/02/2024

23/01/2024

19/01/2024

17/01/2024

15/01/2024

13/12/2023

03/12/2023

03/12/2023

07/09/2023

30/08/2023

31/07/2023

23/07/2023

22/07/2023

19/07/2023

09/07/2023

06/07/2023

05/07/2023

29/06/2023

19/06/2023

18/06/2023

17/06/2023

11/06/2023

10/06/2023

28/05/2023

26/05/2023

25/05/2023

23/05/2023

22/05/2023

19/05/2023

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