31/01/2024
Session 69 "Better Think Twice!" February 4, 2024
I don’t recall what I was doing, how old I was, or where we were. I just have this vague recollection of my mother saying, “You better think twice before doing that!” I wish I could remember more about what was going on at the time and although that memory is gone, it left a visceral sensation in its wake. It’s a curious command, “Better think twice.”. How does thinking about something the second time improve the decision-making process? I don’t know exactly, but whenever I am about to do something that I already know is “on the edge” of appropriateness, I can still hear my mother’s admonition “You better think twice!” Now, after all these years, I think I might know what she meant. But I am getting ahead of myself. First, we have some work to do to set the stage for what it means to think twice.
Let’s start by taking a moment to recap our journey together so far. I started off by sharing my Seven Rules for Living Life Well. Then I proceeded to share my 30 Tips for Living Life Well, starting with three, broad general tips. Because I have found there are four primary categories, or pillars, to the work of living life well, I then started working my way through the other tips organized around these four pillars, starting with the tips to (1) do the work for our physical wellbeing: diet, exercise, etc. (tips 4 through 8) and then the tips to (2) do the work for our mental wellbeing: meditating, journaling, etc. (tips 9 through 20). This is where we are, at the beginning of the tips to (3) do the work for our spiritual wellbeing: practicing gratitude, practicing compassion, etc. (tips 21 through 25). Once we have finished these spiritual tips, we will wrap up the 30 Tips for Living Life Well with the tips to (4) do the work for our social wellbeing: creating our soul group, cutting others some slack, etc. (tips 26 through 30). But first, before we begin the spiritual part our journey, a few thoughts on the notion of “spirituality”.
A comment on “spirituality”
One might (legitimately) ask, what does an atheist white gay male have to say about spirituality? Although I grew up in a right wing fundamentalist Christian sect (I was a fifth generation Seventh-day Adventist, my father is still ministering to a church at age 87, and I have evangelist great-great grandfathers in both my maternal and paternal lineages), I left that church decades ago, and consider myself a better person because of that choice. Although I choose to not label myself “Christian”, a “person of faith”, or “religious”, that doesn’t mean I am not spiritual. I may not believe in an anthropomorphic “God” as espoused by Christianity, Judaism or Islam, that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in a power greater than I, an energetic force that I don’t understand but believe transcends this existence. I am finding that the older I get, the less I know, and I cannot help but sense that if I am going to live life well, I must open myself up to other ways of thinking, other ways of being, of transcending my current world view.
As I began questioning, and rejecting, what I had been taught as a child and young adult by the church I grew up in, I first chose agnostic as the label closest to my thinking. However, I eventually concluded that just saying “I don’t know”, for me, was a cop-out. I need to take a stand, I want to be clear in what I believe and what I don’t believe. So I choose the label atheist, as it is the label that, based on the available evidence and logic, resonates with me the most. That being said, it is just the label that works for me now, the closest to what I believe in my heart to be true. As a label, however, it does not always serve as an entirely accurate or complete description of my views or beliefs. It probably is a disservice to the complexity of the discussion to narrow it down to a single-word label, but it is what resonates with me, at least for now.
In the decades since I rejected Christianity, as my thinking and new ways of being have evolved, I have recognized there is an aspect of this existence that I cannot ignore – the interconnectivity of all things. For years my Indigenous clients had been sharing with me their perspective on this interconnectivity. But as I shared in tip 10 regarding the power of music, it wasn’t until I came across Brené Brown’s book “Braving the Wilderness” that I discovered the words I had been searching for to describe my growing understanding of the metaphysical, transcendent, aspects of this existence. Brené Brown defines spirituality like this: “Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion.” I have often said that “truth” can, at times, be felt in the body. When I read those words by Brené Brown, I felt truth wash over me, surround me, and hold me in a firm embrace – I felt the truth of that definition, I understood what it meant to be “spiritual”. Dan Siegel in “Aware” also gave me insight into spirituality when he noted that many define spirituality as a “…connection to something larger than a private self and meaning beyond their individual survival.” At its core, to me, spirituality is a connection to something beyond myself, to each other, to the world around me, and to the universe of which I am a part.
The notion of exploring spirituality, transcendence, the metaphysical, through an atheist lens intrigues me, because it is so contrary to how I was taught. I was raised to believe that I had to seek spirituality externally, in the Bible or in the writings of Ellen G. White (an early prophetess of the Seventh-day Adventist Church) as interpreted by that church, the church run schools I attended, my teachers, my pastors, my father. There was no room for exploration, for creative thinking, or divergent views – conformity was expected and required, a very difficult requirement for a little gay boy. There was always the threat of being “disfellowshipped”, their version of excommunication, to ensure conformity or, for me, being found out as a homosexual, to keep me parroting the party line. It was a stifling existence. Now, as an atheist exploring spirituality, I have discovered an opposite, open, unfettered, undefined, internal exploration is necessary – an exploration of my mind, my spirit, this existence, this reality. This open, freeing, journey has been far more beneficial in discovering what makes sense to me – what is MY truth.
2022, my spiritual awakening
I read a lot and I’ve shared before my fascination with the study of neurology and brain function. 2022 brought onto my reading list a number of great books exploring these topics. Anil Seth’s “Being You: A New Science of Consciousness”, explained how cognitive functioning creates consciousness (our self-awareness within this reality). It was an amazing book full of new insights and understandings, but it did not leave me with the “warm fuzzies”. Rather, “Being You” left me struggling to find my place in the universe, my purpose in life, challenged to find answers to the great existential questions. For a brief time that book left me feeling pretty empty and discouraged, unable to integrate what I had learned into my existence. If indeed I am just simply an amalgam of mechanistic cognitive functions, arising from the mere drive to survive and perpetuate my genetic code, what’s the point? But later, as I sat in the dark and quiet of my early mornings, journaling and meditating out my existential angst, a new realization settled into my consciousness. The understanding that the universe is unfolding into ever greater complexity has long resonated with me. But then I realized that, while it is unfolding into ever increasing complexity, that ever increasing complexity is creating something – it is creating beauty. It’s not JUST unfolding – the very fact that it is unfolding, the complexity of it, is what creates spectacular beauty. When you sit and think about it, we exist in a spectacular universe with such incredible beauty! The galaxies, the stars, the planets, the life, the plants, the animals, the diversity, the complexity – it boggles the mind. Then it hit me, that this is the “tapping in to”, the connecting to the metaphysical, the transcendent, the spiritual – the creation of beauty within the ever-expanding, ever-increasing complexity, of the universe. The purpose of life, the purpose of existence, then, is to continue this work, to create more beauty. I am here to use my cognitive abilities to contribute to the continuing unfolding of the universe by creating my own beauty. That is why I have these cognitive abilities, to connect and to create more beauty – to be beautifully creative, my contribution to the unfolding of the universe.
Other books I read in 2022 supported my growing understanding of the importance of creating beauty and its role in spirituality. One of my top reads that year was Scott Barry Kaufman’s “Transcend: the New Science of Actualization” which explored the next level of Maslow’s famous hierarchy of needs (Maslow’s published hierarchy of needs are (1) our basic physiological needs (food, water, sleep etc.), (2) safety needs, (3) the need to be loved and have belonging, and (4) the need for esteem and self-actualization). Maslow’s thoughts on what humans needed beyond self-actualization were never published because he died of a heart attack in 1970 at only age 62. Kaufman in “Transcend” takes Maslow’s work to the next level. Kaufman reviews Maslow’s notes and journal entries, along with modern scientific research, and explores ideas on how to live a more fulfilling, creative and connected life – essentially how to live a spiritual life. It’s an inspiring read, urging us all to transcend our own needs and desires and embrace our interconnectedness, the foundation of spirituality. “My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist’s Personal Journey” by Jill Bolte Taylor introduced me to the different functional characteristics of the left and right brain (which I will get into in more detail below). “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk, explored how to heal from trauma.
A key take-away for me from all these books in 2022 was the importance of creativity in living a good life, an interconnected, spiritual life. It’s our creative side that allows us to connect to what exists beyond the boundaries and limits of our own bodies – to transcend, to connect. This helps explain, I think, why I found so many suggestions to “be creative” during my research for my Covid Coping series in 2020 – creativity creates better brain balance, better interconnectedness to others, and to the universe, to reality. So, 2022 taught me that to live life well, we must be creative, we must put energy into creating beauty.
Tip 21: Create beauty
I have never considered myself to be a creative person. My mother, while she was alive, loved to oil paint, as did my father. They were both quite good. I have two of each of their paintings hanging in my living room. They are spectacular, and I treasure them. Both my parents also dabbled with ceramics, my display cabinet has multiple examples of my mother’s creations. One of my earliest memories is of my father holding me on his lap while drawing a vividly realistic, life-like drawing of a horse. My brother’s creativity is epic, with his hotrod auto upholstery business. My sister’s creativity is also apparent, with her cake decorating skills and photo staging abilities prominently displayed in her photos documenting my nephew’s growth. I am the family anomaly, apparently, no creative skills – dull, boring Brent. I remember telling my father once I thought I was boring. He became very agitated with me, saying “Don’t ever call yourself boring!” I wonder if he felt the same? The admonition was well received, but difficult to operationalize. My (ex) mother-in-law described me as stoic. It’s a moniker that has stuck. Then, in the spring of 2020 while doing my Covid Coping research, I stumbled across the suggestion to take the time to “get creative”. I thought “Well, if I had a creative fiber in my body, I would – but I don’t, so I can’t.”
But then, I took a step back, and thought a bit more about my apparent lack of creative capabilities. I’ve always loved photography, I do enjoy the experience of framing the shot, exploring different angles, using different lighting, creating and capturing the scene. I have at times captured some pretty spectacular moments – that’s maybe creative. As I continued my research, I found suggestions for creative expression: finger painting, collaging, scrap booking and (oh my god!) writing. Wait. What? Writing? I LOVE writing!! I even dabble at times with poetry (and I’ll share some with you at the end of our journey together in the Epilogue). I often tell my work colleagues the joy I get in drafting a good piece of writing, a good contract or a statute. I describe the feeling I get as “making words sing” – a well written contract, in my world, is indeed a beautiful thing! Perhaps I am creative after all. Maybe I do create beauty, maybe I do contribute to the unfolding of the universe and make a difference, make this existence a little better by helping others through my writing to discover how they might live their best lives. What is your creative contribution to the beauty of the universe? Is it art? Music? Dance? Photography? Touch? How is it you connect to others or to the world around you? Sitting with a friend and talking? Hiking? Sitting on a beach watching a sunset? Going to a museum or an art gallery? There are so many, limitless, ways to be creative – this should be the easiest tip to implement, but it’s not.
Seeking beauty
This tip, to be creative, to create beauty, builds on Tip 17 Reject Negativity and Tip 18 Create Positivity. With all the negativity out there, in the news, social media and otherwise, it is easy to not see or connect to the beautiful or the good, either in ourselves, in others, or in the world around us. It can be tough at times to put our energy into being creative, to connect, to attempt to create beauty. Sometimes to find beauty we just need to open our eyes and look around us. As I write this it’s spring in Vancouver, Canada. Winter is being transformed into summer. Everything is coming back to life. There’s new growth and blossoms everywhere. This is the most miraculous time of the year, where the earth awakes from its winter sleep and explodes back into life! Exquisite beauty surrounds us, if we but open our eyes to it. Maybe it’s just too easy because of where I live, but I am constantly taken aback by the gloriousness of spring and summer, the vibrant life it creates and sustains. Just seeing life unfolding around me is rejuvenating, uplifting. I cannot help but be in awe and at peace when this is what I see, what I focus on. This is the glorious, exquisite world we live in. No matter where you live, I assure you, there is beauty within sight. You just have to make yourself open to seeing it. This is where I believe thinking twice comes in.
Left brain right brain
One of the things I am now focusing on is deliberately, consciously spending more time in the right side of my brain. As Jill Bolte Taylor describes in “My Stroke of Insight”, the right side of our brain processes emotion, vision, spacial perception and tactile sensory input – the “music” of our existence. The right side of our brain focuses on body language, interpreting facial expressions – it is where we connect with others, where we experience love, grief, from where we sing, cry, and dance, where non-verbal communication is processed, where our intuition resides. Our left brain does all the talking, it’s where we process language, it creates linear understanding (processes time), it is sequential and analyses input data. It’s from the left brain where we speak, but the right brain is from where we sing – there have been individuals with left hemisphere brain injuries who could not speak their thoughts, but they could sing their thoughts. The left brain stores facts and statistics and puts them in order. The right brain stores feelings, sensations (touch, smell, sounds) and their related emotions. The left brain analyzes and categorizes, the right brain feels and connects. From our left brain we can name things, compare them to other things, understand their relationship to each other. It’s from the left side of the brain that we feel separate and apart from others – where we have a sense of self. It’s from the right side of the brain where we feel connected to others, and part of all existence, connected to the universe. We experience the spiritual in our right brain. It’s our right brain where our creativity originates.
“Thinking twice” is, I believe, all about ensuring we experience life from both sides of our brain. Everyone is either left brain or right brain dominant, so our tendency y is to only experience life mostly from one perspective. Thinking twice is about ensuring we deliberately rethink things using the other, non-dominant hemisphere of our brain as well, what Jill Bolte Taylor calls “Whole Brain Living”, the title of her second book. I am left brain dominant, so thinking twice, striving to spend more time in my right brain, is challenging, but the more time I spend there, the happier I am, so the effort to do the work is well worth it. Consciously stepping out of my left brain into my right brain is what allows me to experience beauty, to be creative, feel connection, experience love. This is the greatest gift in life, to experience connection and love. Thinking twice increases my capacity to live life to its fullest, to live my life well.
Existential angst
I have also found that one of the side benefits of spending more time exercising my right brain is less anxiety, less fear, less “existential angst”. Existential angst is the fear of death (fear of annihilation). The drive to survive (to exist) is deeply embedded in our neurobiology. Part of what causes existential angst is fear of others, fear of other things that might take us out, fear of the passing of time (aging). Concepts of separateness and passing time are both left brain functions. Spending more time in my right brain decreases my focus on my separateness and the passage of time and allows me to be more present and more connected. This, not surprisingly, helps to create a greater sense of calm in my life – less anxiety, less existential angst. Connecting to the creative side in my right brain is one of the ways I exercise and develop my right brain skill set.
What I have learned
I have spent a good portion of my life firmly locked in my left brain – the rigid, sequential, analytical side of my existence. This is not necessarily a bad place to be, there are many good things that happen in the left brain. But living solely in the left brain is isolating, it’s disconnected, it’s lonely. I am striving now to exist equally as much in my right brain, to think with the other side of my brain, to think twice, so to speak – once from my left brain, and again from my right brain. I am striving to spend more time in my right brain, to seek connection, to feel, to be part of the greater whole of the universe – I strive to be creative, to seek beauty, to create beauty. Perhaps the key lesson I have learned in this life is the importance of seeking balance – in this case, a balance between the left side and the right side of my brain. Too much of even a good thing turns it into a bad thing – balance is key.
Only by thinking twice can I find that balance, to shift my perspective, ensure I can see both sides of a situation, of an experience, of a desire, of a way of being. I have learned we see what we’re looking for. If all we see is negative, that’s because that is what we are looking for. The only solution is to adjust what we’re looking for. So I seek beauty, I seek the positive, I seek to create beauty. I assure you, there is more beauty out there than negative.
Look for it. Create it. You can’t help but be better for it.
© Inner Source Development Corporation
