14/04/2023
Ever just felt angry and couldn't explain it? Felt yourself rage out of control at your family and couldn't stop?
I sat in the back of the tiny closet I shared with my husband, my hands over my ears, and I yelled in a voice that scared me: “I hate everything!”�
I never thought I’d be an angry mom.
My visions of me as a parent were that of a calm, understanding, patient, fun, and organized mom. Sweet and chill.
Rage. Fury. Seething. Explosiveness. Dysregulated. Stuck. Angry Parent. Mad Mom.
Lost.
Whatever you call it, more people than you imagine are angry. And ashamed of their anger, certain they're the only ones so mad and afraid that there's something wrong with them for feeling so much rage. As a relationship and parenting coach, anger is something I hear about a lot from clients and help them work through with practical, customizable, measurable action steps. Because I get it. I've been there. And I know first hand that you don't have to stay there and this isn't who you are, it is what you are struggling with. It may say a lot about society. It may say a lot about your support. It may say a lot about how new parents are (or aren't) valued. It may say a lot about stress. It may say a lot about unresolved trauma. It may say a lot about how your brain works. It may say a lot about your hormones.
But it doesn't say much about who you are, just a clue as to what you may be struggling with.
That's why my partner and I have a series of parenting support community group coaching sessions on emotional regulation- responding with calm, just to help people that want to find strategies that fit them and their life in realistic, practical ways in a judgment-free space.
When my 2nd was born, I turned out to be none of what I imagined as I struggled with postpartum depression and anxiety. There I was hiding in my closet, angry about everything. I had gone to my closet so I wouldn’t yell at the toddler and the infant that were both crying in another part of the house. My heart was pounding and I was hot all over, my head and chest felt like they were going to explode. Rage flowed through me making even my fingertips and toes tense. I really did hate everything and everyone.
Myself most of all. ��I was diagnosed with postpartum depression but nobody had said anything about the rage that was even more suffocating than the depression. Nights, when the house was quiet for an hour or two where when I felt the depression. Days, just about all day, every day, was when I felt the rage.
It scared me.
I loved my children and my partner yet this anger made it impossible to show and sometimes to even remember. In my own head I knew that it was often ridiculous and petty things that set me off, how my partner stirred chocolate milk, how my toddler wanted her pants off, my newborn crying. There was a wedge between me and my family and that wedge was my rage.��This was not the parent, partner, or person I wanted to be.
Postpartum rage made it difficult for me to recognize myself but postpartum rage was not who I was. As I struggled with postpartum mood disorders I had to believe they did not define me.
After trying a number of natural options, lifestyle changes, and herbs, after months of depression and rage, I finally went on medication. That did help a lot as did going to therapy. But by then I had some habits with my anger and I needed to develop some coping skills and new pathways of response as well. Plus I was undiagnosed ADHD at the time and there was a lot of skill building I needed and techniques that went a long way in helping me develop my emotional regulation to be more of the parent I desired to be.
It's been over a decade now and though I still have young children and certainly experience stress, I'm not the rage-monster mom I once was. And as a parenting and relationship coach I'm honored to help others reach their goals in being true to their values and the kind of parents and partners they want to be. I'd love to be with you in a supportive, judgment-free virtual community to share the journey and grow our emotional regulation skills as parents: https://bit.ly/40hokzX
