We Made People

06/10/2023

A few years, Michael got this text (see below). Here was his reply:

1. Tell them that you love them, aren’t ashamed of them, and that this is something that you have had to overcome. Tell them they can do the same.

2. Tell them that p**n is bad for them spiritually, physically, and relationally. And then explain how.

3. Tell them that you are going to set up “speed bumps” to help them when they’re tempted but it comes down to their desire to live with integrity. Those speed bumps are:

a. Filters (on devices & IP)
b. Screens only in shared spaces
c. Weekly check ups: Have you looked at p**n of any form this week?

4. Ask them to identify the a) the times that are most tempted and b) the things that seem to trigger the desire to look at p**n.

5. Show them ways to deal with stress that are productive: bible reading, prayer, running, pushups, developing a skill, etc.

6. Remind them again that you love them, p**n makes you weak, and living a lie is hell. Let them know that you won’t look down on them if they stumble and they need to let you know so you can conquer together.

30/09/2023

This is revival. This is reformation.

29/09/2023

A godly father create the environment where a wife is free to enjoy motherhood.

He fills their home with the tools she needs to do her job.

He fills their home with his authority so all the children know that mom will be honored and any dishonor will be swiftly dealt with by dad.

This is what allows her to transform a mere house into a vibrant home.

An empowered and well-resourced home-keeper is an amazing thing to behold!

27/09/2023

Many sons have been ruined by exasperating fathers and coddling mothers.

The exasperating father is never content with his son's performance, no matter how good.

The coddling mother is always content with her son's performance, no matter how bad.

They both fail him.

12/05/2023

Emily and I do premarital counseling for our church members.

It is made up of four initial sessions prior to the wedding and two after-married check-ins (one at around six months in and then another at a year married).

We have the couples go through a Premarital Counseling Preparation Questionnaire prior to any sessions.

It’s not designed to be comprehensive in its questions. It’s just a primer.

Feel free to use it. Here it is including the instructions on our Substack newsletter:

https://open.substack.com/pub/wemadepeople/p/premarital-counseling-preparation?r=po40&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web

27/07/2022

Marriages improve when wives don’t expect their husbands to think/act like women and husbands don’t expect their wives to think/act like men.

17/07/2022

Imperfect marriages are better than perfect marriages because reality is superior to fantasy.

11/07/2022

One the benefits of having children in your 20s is your ability to give them gift of you being their child's very involved grandparent.

11/07/2022

24 years ago, I carved E + M into a tree deep in the woods at Stanbery Park in Cincinnati, OH.

It took a while to find it when I went looking for it. This surprised me. It was a huge tree. I eventually realized that the gigantic fallen tree I kept passing by was the tree. At some point, it had been knocked over in a storm.

It made me grateful. Our marriage has had more than its fair share of storms. And by the grace of God we are still standing.

Here’s what remains (my "M"):

11/07/2022

This is 8 or 9 years ago.

These moments pass quicker than you can comprehend.

They are stages of life which never repeat. You get one go at them. And then it's gone.

Some of these stages are very difficult, especially when you have a 3-4 of single digit kids. We refer to them as "littles."

The "littles stage" is precious.

First laugh. First steps. First words. First prayers. First dreams.

First everything.

A new personality emerging from a unique life forged by the mixture of a couple's passionate love and the amazing craftsmanship of God.

Enjoy the moments.

Let them tell you a long and pointless story.

Let them share another stupid knock-knock joke.

Let them cry in your arms over a little nick on their toe.

Again, early family life is a challenge, especially for those from broken homes.

Being overwhelmed at times is normal. No need to feel like a failure. Make the most of the years God gives you. Ask Him for strength to enjoy the gift of children.

Because this too shall pass.

04/03/2022

Aim to be a present dad, not a perfect dad. The real you showing up is good enough.

28/02/2022

The best gift you can give your family is a godly, healthy, and present you.

27/02/2022

Your spouse wants to be loved and desired.

They need both.

22/02/2022

Some rough notes on our general approach to couple’s counseling.

We like to take a “solution focused” approach as opposed to a “problem focused” approach to couple’s counseling. It also can be applied without a counselor.

“Problem focused” is where I say, “What seems to be the problem?”

And you then respond by walking me through your individual interpretation of the intentions of your spouse behind particular actions or inactions in the past.

This is problematic because it can turn this time together into something like a courtroom. This causes two problems:

- This will frame the conversation around a cycle of attack-blame-defend. A person can only actively listen for about 10 secs in a contentious conversation. After that, their mind will immediately start preparing a rebuttal. That’s a waste of everyone’s time. It keeps you where you are at. We have to change it up. This is less a courtroom and more a workshop.

- The “problem focused” approach also makes me into something that I rather not be. In that scenario, you guys present your case and then I become a judge who hands out rulings. Undoubtedly, this will make one of you feel ganged up on and you’ll shut down or look for someone to take your side elsewhere.

A “solution focus” takes the side of the marriage, not the individual.

It’s less focused on how you each have failed each other in the past and more focused on how you as an individual can take responsibility for improving your marriage moving forward.

So we’d like to start with you considering this question:

What is your vision for a happier marriage?
A month from now?
A year?
Five years?

Describe it in what it IS as opposed to what it ISN’T. Imagine what a week looks like in that happier marriage. Write down. What do the mornings, evenings, and weekends look like? What projects are you and your spouse working on together? Etc etc.

It’s a hard question but it is THE question you need to be able to answer. You can’t just stop doing bad things. You must turn from and turn to. You have to have a positive vision for where you want to go. No one is a mind-reader. Unmet expectations are often unspoken expectations or spoken in such a way that they go unheard.

Let us slightly diverge to some notes on communication…

Are you minimizing or maximizing?

Most marriage problems are rooted in emotional responses to forms of communication. In arguments, it’s common to have one spouse play the role of maximizer and the other as a minimizer. The role can be an issue of an individual’s temperament but often is tied to a particular argument. They’ll minimize in one argument but maximize in another.

The maximizer will emotionally overwhelm the minimizer by stressing all the negatives of a situation and catastrophizing the possible outcomes if a solution isn’t immediately arrived at.

The minimizer will emotionally frustrate the maximizer by downplaying their concerns regarding the situation and will come across as disengaged.

If both spouses remain in these roles, the argument will end in deadlock. No ground will be made. Tension will remain, even if it subsides underneath the surface.

Once you realize that you’re minimizing, you need to stop downplaying their emotional response and instead verbally acknowledge how they are feeling without matching their intensity:

Ex. “You’re frustrated and worried about our health/finances/children/etc. I’m here for us. I want you feel safe and at peace.”

Once you realize that you’re maximizing, you need turn down the intensity and verbally acknowledge some of the positive things about your spouse:

“I know you are working hard and things aren’t as hopeless as they feel.

Minimizers need up their emotional involvement in the situation. Maximizers need to tone down their emotional response to the situation. You are the only one who can control your emotions. It’s your responsibility. If you correct and control your emotions, it will help create space for your spouse to more easily correct and control their emotions.

Are you hearing or listening?

A lot of arguments are about one thing on the surface and another at their core. If you learn to not just hear but actively listen, you’ll grow in identifying the underlying issue needing to be addressed.

Remember that under all spousal criticism is an unmet hope or longing.

Her being fuming mad that you didn’t take out the trash for the fourth week in a row when you said you would isn’t just about trash. It’s about you being a man who gets things done. It’s about you being a man of your word. She dreamed of being married to a respectable man.

Him being cold towards you because when he came home you kept scrolling on social media instead of giving him a hug isn’t just about social media. It’s about you being excited to see him. It’s about you desiring him and being thankful that he works hard. He dreamed of being married to a woman who respects him.

Criticism, as painful as they can be, are the hood you have to lift up to get to the deeper problems within a relationship.

Find the specific underlying issue can be hard. It may be easier to start by identifying what the general category the issue belongs to. Most arguments fall into three main categories:

- A fight about power/control
- A fight about closeness/care
- A fight about respect/recognition

Now, let’s circle back to your vision for a happier marriage. Here are some steps…

- Write out your vision of a happier marriage and then share it with your spouse
- Identify who you are in an argument adjust to avoid ending up in deadlock
- Listen to criticism and trying to identify the underlying issues

Lastly, as you arrive at a shared vision of a happier marriage ask these questions:

- What can I as an individual do to improve the marriage?
- One small thing that I can immediately start to do to move that direction?
- What are some things am I doing wrong?

Small changes consistently made and maintained over time make a big difference.

21/02/2022

It’ll generally sort things out…

17/02/2022

Both.

16/02/2022

Shape, not break

07/02/2022

We don't recommend "young marriage" per se but we do recommend marrying while you are still developing as a person.

01/02/2022

It keeps the relationship from living in the past and moves it towards a brighter future.

31/01/2022

This is not the way.

31/01/2022

Marriage is a powerful tool of sanctification.

28/12/2021

This one for the husbands.

If your wife doesn't want any children or anymore children, it's often tied to your financial performance.

She will freeze up on children if you have a low paying job, change jobs a lot, or no definite vocational path.

And that's a very reasonable response for someone who will have to depend on you for herself and any future children.

Stabilize your vocational pursuits, up your finances, and she'll usually warm to more children... assuming her body can deliver them safely.

20/12/2021

19/12/2021

When Emily was super pregnant in the hottest of the summer months I would tell her:

“This is what it feels like to be a man all the time.”

14/12/2021

Marriage has a purpose greater than your mere personal happiness.

14/12/2021

We made marriage merely about being happy.

Consequently, we made being unhappy a grounds for divorce.

And yet we descended even further into making marriage about you being your happiest.

So now the potential of being happier elsewhere is a grounds for divorce.

13/12/2021

He gives good gifts.

13/12/2021

In relation to her husband, a wife wants to be a lover and a helper, not a mom and a therapist.

08/12/2021

Things I found in my wife’s jacket pockets…

… all mothers understand this.