Good Grief, We're All Mental

27/04/2022

As a motherless daughter of nearly 27 years, by now I'm "used to" the endless barrage of reminders that my mom is gone...especially around Mother's Day (a day that would be hard enough on its own, nevermind the added layer of pain each year because she died six days after this day meant to celebrate her). The relentless commercials/ads, marketing emails, displays of cards and gifts. 2020 was the first time I've felt I had a bit of a reprieve from it all due to Covid. I couldn't go into stores. That meant at least one source of anguish was removed.

And yet I'll never truly get used to it. Because it's a reality I didn't choose and one that I don't want...and yet, it is a reality I'm forced to live. Not only every year, but every day. For the rest of my life.

The other day, I received an email from a card company -- not only for a Mother's Day card, but one with a hummingbird on it (my mom's favorite thing...the one thing that reminds me of her, the one thing I know she would be reincarnated as, the "sign" that she has presented so many times over the years since her death). My heart sank.

And then I opened up my planner (which has different flowers and their "secret meaning") to the week of Mother's Day, and this was the facing page. Mother's eternal love. Heartache. How fitting.

This is a gentle reminder that someone who is many years into their loss and their grief journey, like me, doesn't stop hurting. The reminders don't get any less painful. Our hearts still sink...and they still ache. Year after year. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. We don't ever really get any respite from it.

Because they will always be gone.

16/04/2022

Moving forward doesn't mean moving on or forgetting...but sometimes it still feels like a betrayal of those we've lost. How can we possibly live our lives and feel happiness without them, especially in all those life moments and milestones they should be a part of?

I think the answer is that we will always be keenly aware of their absence in our lives -- especially with those big milestones. There will always be a pang of sadness and emptiness in every joyful moment. But there will also always be an undeniable and unexplainable presence right alongside the absence.

I will feel my mom's absence always, for the rest of my life. And yet she has found countless ways to make her continued presence known so strongly over the years that I can't possibly believe that she isn't still with me, even if it's not in her physical form.

Grief & joy, absence & presence, can and do coexist.

03/04/2022

“We live in a culture where people need us to move through our grief for the sake of their own comfort and grief does not have a timeline. It takes as long as it takes.” -Brené Brown

“Grief does not have a timeline," Brown told TODAY.

24/03/2022

Grappling with Grief -- a non-profit inspired by loss whose aim is to help people cope with grief in their lives and channel it into something positive -- reached out to me recently and asked me to share my story, which went live on their website today. Thankful for every opportunity that comes my way to continue sharing, helping & supporting others, and normalizing grief along the way.

by Julia K. Morin   “You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. [...]Read ...

05/03/2022

05/03/2022

I finally set up a Linktree...it may not seem like much, but I'm proud to see all of my work around grief and mental health (podcasts and writing) in one place.

Writer. Certified Grief Educator. Grief Support Specialist.

16/02/2022

This is one of the last photos I have with my mom.

Part of me will forever be this little girl whose universe was shattered. I don't have the luxury of leaving her behind, no matter how much time has passed. She lives in me and always will. Her life was altered in so many ways that are both irreversible and impossible to forget. She is inextricably linked with the woman I have become, 27 years later. There is no separating us.

When someone asks why you're not "over" a long-ago loss yet; why it is "still" so hard...they discount so many layers and levels of loss & trauma that ripple through time. I didn't just lose my mom as an eight-year-old child. I lost my childhood itself, along with a lifetime of memories and milestones we never shared, and never will for the rest of my life. Does that ever just go away or stop hurting?

Never.

I am not defined by my loss, but it is a huge part of me and of my story that I can't (and wouldn't want to) detach from myself. I often say if given the choice, I would always choose to have my mom here -- even if it meant I wouldn't be the same person I am today. I would trade all of the lessons and the positive things I have eventually gleaned from the pain, for one more day with her. One more minute, even.

But I don't have that choice.

So I will always exist within two identities, one foot perpetually planted in the past, a little girl who lost her safe harbor virtually overnight and was cast out onto a turbulent sea.

She will always be a part of me.

22/12/2021

So perfectly stated. Thank you, Carmel Breathnach. I'm so thankful to have connected with you (especially as a fellow writer), and so many other women who became motherless daughters in childhood and just get it.

The day my mom died was just the start of a series of losses that have rippled throughout the rest of my life since. She wasn't at my art shows, my sporting events, my chorus concerts, my graduations, my wedding. She has been missing from holiday and birthday celebrations for 26 years. She has never seen my home. She has missed and will continue to miss so many moments, milestones and memories.

For the rest of my life.

20/12/2021

This book and these words have been a lifeline for me.

Childhood/early loss leaves such a void...not only of that person being gone, but the lack of tangible memories & stories that are our own. I have seen & felt so much of myself and my own experience and grief journey in the pages of this book, and I can't explain how validating and comforting that feels.

As Hope also writes: "The sons, daughters, and siblings I interviewed for this book who were very young when a loved one died describe a particular kind of sadness around having lost access to memories of their time together and frustration around not being able to retrieve them. How could someone have been such an important part of my every day, and then vanish from my memory?...It feels as if crucial bits of their history have been lost, pieces that they need to form a stable, consistent identity."

"Who am I if I don't know who they were? And who I was in relation to them?"

18/11/2021

Today is a day that is very close to my heart, as a childhood loss/grief survivor. 🦋

The theme of Childhood Grief Awareness Day 2021 is "It's OK To Not Be OK." As a child experiencing parent/mother loss and grief, I wish I'd had more resources and support available to me that were "on my level" as a child. Children grieve much differently than adults, and there's a misconception that they aren't capable of grieving at all or that they "bounce back" quickly because children are resilient.

⬇️A few statistics on children and grief:

•1 in 5 children will experience the death of someone close to them by age 18. (Kenneth Doka, Editor of OMEGA, Journal of Death and Dying)

•In a poll of 1,000 high school juniors and seniors, 90% indicated that they had experienced the death of a loved one. (nahic.ucsf.edu/downloads/Mortality.pdf)

•One in every 1,500 secondary school students dies each year. (nahic.ucsf.edu/downloads/Mortality.pdf)

•One out of every 20 children aged fifteen and younger will suffer the loss of one or both parents. These statistics don’t account for the number of children who lose a “parental figure,” such as a grandparent or other relative that provides care. (Owens, D. “Recognizing the Needs of Bereaved Children in Palliative Care” Journal of Hospice & Palliative Nursing. 2008; 10:1)

•1.5 million children are living in a single-parent household because of the death of one parent. (Owens, D. “Recognizing the Needs of Bereaved Children in Palliative Care” Journal of Hospice & Palliative Nursing. 2008; 10:1)

⬇️Key Results of Childhood Bereavement Study completed by Comfort Zone Camp (2009):

•56% of respondents who lost a parent growing up would trade a year of their life for one more day with their departed parent.

•72% believe their life would have been “much better” if their parent hadn’t died so young.

•69% of Americans who lost a parent growing up still think about their parent frequently.

💙

09/11/2021

Helping and supporting others in their own grief journeys -- while hopefully helping them to heal along the way -- is also helping me to heal. And that is a beautiful thing. 🤍

05/11/2021

A decision I made on a whim back in July turned out to be one of the best things I have ever done. After 12 weeks of hard work, immense learning & growth, and juggling another training program with my (very busy) full-time job, I completed my Grief Educator certification at the end of September and *finally* received my certificate the other day. This program was so emotionally challenging at times, but I know I am now very well equipped to guide, support and educate others.

So, I can officially and very proudly say...I am a Certified Grief Educator (in addition to a Grief Support Specialist)!!! 🎉🎉

A Certified Grief Educator is committed to providing the highest level of grief support through education, experience, and insights into the often unacknowledged rocky terrain of grief.

Certified Grief Educators completed a certificate program designed by world-renowned grief expert, David Kessler. They bring his unique methodology, tools, and decades of experience to help people navigate the challenges of grief.

20/10/2021

Tonight I'll be talking with Tiffany as a guest on the How to Grieve podcast! Honored that she reached out and asked me to come on and talk about my grief journey and my grief support path/training. Stay tuned for a link to the episode soon! 🎙

10/10/2021

It's okay to not be okay. 🤍

21/09/2021

𝗚𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗳 𝗶𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗶𝘁𝘆.

It is not who you are -- it is something that is happening to you. It's easy to start to define ourselves by our losses and grief because they are so all-consuming. But even in the depths of grief, sorrow and pain...you are still you (even though you probably don't feel like yourself). There is still more to you -- and to your story -- than grief. The challenge is to move through our grief and let ourselves feel all of the emotions that come along with it...without losing ourselves in the process.

31/08/2021

Healing out loud is not always easy...but it gives others hope, and that will always make it worthwhile.

09/08/2021

I thought this was a perfect share for . We truly don't know what anyone (both strangers, and sometimes even those in our lives) are going through on any given day. There is so much hidden pain that people move through life with...wounds that they never show others, silent struggles, private battles. Be kind. Be love.

We never know what someone's going through, what heartbreak they are carrying, what hurt they are struggling with. All of us know pain. Life can really hurt. Be kind. Be patient. Be considerate. We are strong & resilient but we're also fragile & soft. Let's hold space for each other. Be love. 🌺 Art by

03/08/2021

"Grief pits"...we've all been there.

Those days (or weeks, or months) when we are so consumed with our grief and emotions, that even the most basic tasks feel like they require a Herculean level of effort. When every single person or thing outside of that grief pit feels extraneous and immeasurably stressful. When we can barely muster the energy to take care of ourselves and our own basic needs, let alone respond to texts.

I'm still learning it's okay (and essential) to set boundaries, say no, and put other people and things second...especially when we find ourselves in these pits of grief. In the moment it truly feels like a bottomless black hole, and until some light returns, we have the right to protect our energy, focus on what we need, and block everything else out.

If you're currently in a grief pit, I see you and my heart is with you. Take good care of yourself. 🤍

22/07/2021

At the end of March, I completed a Grief Support Specialist Certificate program with the University of Wisconsin-Madison...and just last week, I began a Grief Educator Certification program. I'm working hard to expand my skills, knowledge and toolkit to be better equipped to support others in grief. 🤍

19/07/2021

As a childhood grief survivor, this really hits home and resonates so deeply.

It took me until my 30s to realize that many of the things I was self-critical and self-conscious about could be traced back to having experienced a life-altering loss at a young age. I spent a lot of time comparing myself to others and thinking there was something wrong with me. Then at some point it finally clicked: the people I was comparing myself to weren't thrust into survival mode virtually overnight with the sudden, crushing death of a parent when they were still a child, their brains and comprehension still developing. They didn't have their world completely shattered and their family splintered with no understanding of how or why. I think of it like being thrown off a boat in the middle of the ocean when you don't even know how to swim and trying to figure out how to survive.

As an eight year old, my reality suddenly became that of an adult. I lost the innocence of childhood. My friends and classmates went about their carefree lives, and I was left behind. I wasn't one of them anymore. I became an "other." My existence became wrapped up in survival and adapting to disorienting circumstances.

Please know if you experienced a life-altering loss or any other kind of trauma in childhood, there is nothing wrong with you and there never was. You're still here, standing tall on the other side...you are a fighter and a survivor. It's not fair what you were forced to endure so young, but be proud of your strength and resilience.

12/07/2021

𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗿𝗺.

You are the person experiencing the storm and you are the person who stands tall on the other side of the storm, having fought and overcome.

You are not whatever mental illness you are struggling with. You are not the battles you fight within yourself daily that you didn't choose and wouldn't wish on anyone.

Hold on.

10/07/2021

Trauma is hard. Trauma recovery/therapy are extremely hard. This is a wonderful illustration by Lindsay Braman - Therapist & Psychoeducator comparing recovery to an avocado. 🥑

Many of us who have experienced loss & grief are also dealing with many complex layers of trauma. It wasn't until my 30s that a specific trauma trigger related to my mom's sudden death when I was eight years old finally caught up with me (you can read more about that in the essay linked in the comments, which was published by The Mighty).

I spent years burying those memories -- especially a very specific one -- until one day four years ago, that trigger was staring me in the face when I went into the hospital (my first time as a patient) for a diagnostic procedure ahead of surgery. At the time I ultimately chose to ignore it because I was already dealing with an incredibly mentally, emotionally and physically draining ongoing medical issue.

But a couple of years later, it happened again.

I was having panic attacks in the hospital because of a trauma trigger I had left unaddressed for over 20 years. And then it was compounded after experiencing medical trauma related to the aforementioned medical issue (and others).

I finally started trauma therapy. I can't verbalize how difficult it was. We got a few sessions in and then Covid hit, and my trauma recovery was sidelined indefinitely. Talk about timing.

Trauma triggers and memories are powerful. They are strong. But so are you. Whatever it is you are healing from -- whether or not you are currently in active recovery/trauma therapy-- know that you are doing hard, important work and give yourself grace.

08/07/2021

If you live with anxiety, you might be familiar with some of the seemingly “harmless” but incredibly hurtful things people often say to those struggling with it.

Via The Mighty

"This is seriously one of the most detrimental things you can say to someone with anxiety."

14/06/2021

So many of us (and probably more than ever before in the past year plus) struggle with anxiety...and yet it has a tendency to make us feel so alone and isolated. As difficult as anxiety is, it helps to remind yourself that you are not the only one who feels this way, and anxiety is not who you are, it's a thing you have.

Although anxiety has a way of making us feel like we're alone and nobody understands, more people struggle with it than we probably realize. Can you relate to any of these characteristics of anxiety?

*Photo credit on Instagram

02/06/2021

I posted this to my less-than-one-month-old Instagram account, , before bed last night. I woke up and saw I had hit 300 followers and was going to make a post to celebrate that milestone but before I could, I had a bunch more new followers and was suddenly at almost 330. That may not sound like a lot, but to me it's a big deal. I'm excited to be building a platform and a following around something I'm so passionate about, and sharing content that resonates with people.

Anyway, here's my latest post...⬇️

"𝗠𝗼𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗼𝗻 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀𝗻'𝘁 𝗺𝗲𝗮𝗻 𝗹𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗴𝗼." I think so much of the pain within grief is rooted in the push & pull of holding on and letting go. I spent so long existing in the liminal space between remembering and forgetting...afraid to step too far in either direction. I felt a strange guilt at the thought of not only surviving, but maybe even thriving and eventually finding some purpose in all of it.

Here's the thing: our people aren't looking down on us wanting us to suffer indefinitely to prove how much we loved them. They aren't somewhere saying, "Wow, you really seem too happy. You're doing too well. You smiled too much today. Who are you to be even a little bit okay without me? Tone it down a bit." They don't want the end of their life to mean the end of ours. I believe this in my bones.

It's okay to move forward, knowing that doesn't mean forgetting or letting go entirely. It's okay to survive and even thrive. It's okay to find purpose in your grief and turn it into something positive.

17/05/2021

May is Mental Health Awareness Month.

Did you know these mental health stats?

11/05/2021

Sharing from my new Instagram account, . Follow me there for all things grief.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I say this all the time:

𝗚𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗳 𝗶𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗲𝗮𝗿.

It would certainly be easier and more comfortable if it was. But then, it was never meant to be easy or comfortable.

Grief is the "messy middle" that talks about. It's not simple and straightforward. It doesn't follow a clearly defined path. There is no formula or equation to quantify it or solve it. There is no easily identifiable beginning, middle or end.

We can try to get rid of it, throw it away, separate ourselves from it...but it comes back, time and time again. This is why I say grief is like a boomerang. We were meant to sit with it and carry it, not remove it or find a way to make it disappear.

We have to learn to embrace our grief for what it is, instead of trying to make it what we (or others) think it should be.

Another thing I say all the time:

Some things can never be understood. They can only, eventually, be accepted.

We will never understand the loss (or losses) that have led us to this space of grief we find ourselves existing within. But we can -- eventually -- accept, embrace, and start to heal.

10/05/2021

Today I wanted to share one of my very favorite quotes about loss/grief of all time, by one of my very favorite writers of all time -- the wonderful and wise Anne Lamott. In light of Mother's Day yesterday, and the heaviness of this month for me overall, it seemed fitting.

I encourage anyone & everyone to fervently reject the misguided notion that you are supposed to "get over" your loss and grief or "move on." I'm here to tell you, in no uncertain terms: that's impossible and it's unrealistic.

The task before all of us who grieve, for the rest of our lives, is not to get over, move on or forget. It is not to NOT grieve, or stop grieving, or be done grieving. It is to move forward, and learn how to carry that loss & grief forth into our lives and make some meaning of it. It is not something we can ever truly put down or separate ourselves from. And that's okay.

I think much of the struggle so many of us have with grieving over time has to do with a prevalent societal belief that grief is a time-limited event. It's something we're supposed to do in an unreasonably short time frame, and then be done with. Please excuse me (but also know I'm absolutely correct) when I say that is utter bu****it, and it does a huge disservice to us, the grieving. Because it makes us feel as though our task is to make our grief, and by extension ourselves, smaller to fit into the (unrealistic, bu****it) expectations of what others think it should look like.

𝗜𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗷𝗼𝗯 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗴𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗳 𝗼𝗿 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝘀𝗺𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗿 𝗼𝗿 𝗻𝗲𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗼𝗿 𝗹𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗱. 𝗙𝗼𝗿 𝗮𝗻𝘆𝗼𝗻𝗲. 𝗡𝗼𝘁 𝗻𝗼𝘄, 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿.

Make this your mantra. Write it on a sticky note and put it on your bathroom mirror. Because it can't be stressed enough.

Your only job is to figure out how to move forward in life with a piece of your heart missing. It is not to fix yourself or your broken leg or your grief.

It is to learn to dance with the limp.

08/05/2021

Please give my brand new Instagram account, Girl Meets Grief, a follow:

https://www.instagram.com/invites/contact/?i=1ogod6aoo52qk&utm_content=m25hjzl

04/05/2021

"Emotional duality" in grief -- yes, yes, YES.

So many emotions coexist in grief. It's not a black & white or either/or thing. Grief is both/and. You can simultaneously be overcome with the pain of loss & grief, AND also healing. You can feel sad/angry/broken, AND also joyful/grateful/whole. You don't have to choose. You don't have to justify how or why you can experience all these feelings, all at once.

And: you are allowed to take up space -- both in your grieving, and in your healing. You are not required to make yourself or your grief or your healing or any part of your journey smaller in order to make anyone else more comfortable.

*Image from on Instagram.

03/05/2021

Boundaries are so important to our mental health and well-being. And while kindness is also important...we can quickly deplete (and in turn sabotage) ourselves if we constantly give and do for others, with no limits or boundaries. The reality is some people will take advantage, and we have to learn to be discerning and mindful with where we're placing our energy & efforts.

Do not drain yourself in the name of kindness. And make sure you're being kind to YOU, too.

28/04/2021

"Here’s the funny thing I’ve found about the rules of grief: there are none. What works for one person could devastate another. I’ve learned to look at grieving differently, to try to figure out what it is I need, even if that need changes minute to minute."

And why I’m no longer living by them

26/04/2021

This is your Monday reminder. Your mental health & wellbeing, and your healing, are more important than anything -- including other people's opinions or judgments or expectations of you. Several years ago, I lost a job for taking a week off to attend a partial hospitalization program that I still believe saved me in many ways. I lost my job, but kept my life.

Take care of yourself first. Always.

12/04/2021

I thought this was a great explanation of high functioning anxiety. There seems to be a misconception that anxiety is or must be completely debilitating or present in a certain way in order to be legitimate or recognized...but many people suffer from "high functioning" anxiety. It just may be easier for them to mask the effects of their anxiety in their daily life, and harder for others to see the reality of what they're struggling with.

06/04/2021

Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried. And nobody else can tell you how -- or for how long -- you should carry your own grief. Your grief journey is just that: yours.

06/04/2021

𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝗻.

You are more than your anxiety. It's not who you are -- it's something you have.

31/03/2021

There is a such thing as post-traumatic growth...but it doesn't happen for everyone.

Posttraumatic growth (PTG) is positive psychological change experienced as a result of adversity and other challenges in order to rise to a higher level of functioning. PTG is a theory that explains this kind of transformation following trauma, and it holds that people who endure psychological struggle following adversity can often see positive growth afterward.

Many factors contribute to an individual's personal experience with trauma & how it effects them. And the narrative that trauma should be a transformative, strengthening experience can be incredibly harmful to those for whom this is not the case.

Let's normalize not dictating to other people how they should respond to traumatic events in their lives. Healing is hard enough without this added pressure.

There is nothing wrong with them if they don't feel stronger or transformed by their trauma.

They are survivors, not superheroes.

29/03/2021

Healing is hard. Period.

I only came to realize how much harder NOT healing was, after I'd had two panic episodes in the hospital and identified a specific trauma trigger related to my mom's death over 20 years ago as the root cause.

It would have been "easier" on the surface to continue ignoring this and letting it go unaddressed. But I ultimately decided that in the long run, not healing would be harder than doing the work to heal.

Whatever it is you're working on healing, know that you are doing hard, important work...and it's worth it. YOU are worth it.