27/01/2025
January 22nd- two whole months without you.
I had no idea that a lot of these pictures were taken after he was taken off of life support. In the room was of course Dakota and I, along with our mothers. That was all I had peace with being in the room for those final hours. The entire family would have been in there if I had wanted, but little do they know.. I was actually saving them from the traumatizing experience of death. That is a memory not everyone needed to have. It’s beautiful for the little soul, and cruel for the body.
anyways..
In this timeless moment here, I was rubbing those tiny, perfect ears. For some reason, when he was born, those little ears were one of the first things I noticed upon gazing over his perfect frame for the first time. All mothers know that special moment.
But, here I sat, rubbing them for one of the last times in my life- knowing that my time was limited and I was trying to take in any and all little details about him. Obviously, my mom was watching, and she thought to snap all the pictures without a word spoken. I’m so so thankful for them.
This was the most vulnerable, traumatizing day for me. I pushed through it with strength- but not for me. I wanted to complete one more act of service for my Cannon Ridge. I wanted him to be at perfect peace, and I did everything in my power to ensure that.
Directly after giving birth, your child is laid on your chest to calm them, so they will breathe and acclimated to being a part of this big world. You never, ever expect to have to do the same thing so that they will leave you behind in this world.
While my heart was breaking further by the second, his heart was finding peace and one moment closer to reaching Glory land- to hurt and suffer NO MORE. For his soul, it was a beautiful day. The most precious of all.
After he had passed, and the days began to follow, I was told not to worry.. he’s not there in the grave, he’s in heaven and at peace. While that is so incredibly true and DOES bring me so much peace, the thought of the beautiful body that I knew him as, carried for 9 beautiful months, rocked, bathed, kissed and fed.. is in the ground. It’s a painful realization like no other.
Nevertheless, Today marks Cannons final tragic yet beautiful journey in life and.. a new, painful one for me. And you know what? I would do it all over again, knowing the same outcome. I’m so incredibly blessed and honored to be this precious boys mama. 🦋🧡🤍
God is STILL GOOD, and worthy to be praised. Though my heart overflows with sorrow, it is also so full of gratitude. Today, as I search for peace in the little things, I will life my head up and praise the God that gives, and takes away. Death is not the end, it’s a new beginning for believers.. his promises are everlasting.
Psalm 139 is one of my favorite psalm. I’m going to share a few of the verses from it.
1-3
O LORD, thou hast searched me, and known me.
Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thoughts afar off.
The compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all the ways.
14
I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
17-18
How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is sun of them!
If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee
Madison Beck Wallace