Codependent Recovery

24/02/2024

24/02/2024

24/02/2024

😂

Be very aware, ladies 😂

24/02/2024

February 24

Recognizing Feelings

Experiencing feelings can be a challenge if we've had no previous experience or permission to do that. Learning to identify what we're feeling is a challenge we can meet, but we will not become experts overnight. Nor do we have to deal with our feelings perfectly.

Here are some ideas that might be helpful as you learn to recognize and deal with feelings:

Take out a sheet of paper. On the top of it write, "If it was okay to feel whatever I'm feeling, and I wouldn't be judged as bad or wrong, what would I be feeling?" Then write whatever comes to mind. You can also use the favorite standby of many people in discovering their feelings: writing or journaling. You can keep a diary, write letters you don't intend to send, or just scribble thoughts onto a note pad.

Watch and listen to yourself as an objective third person might. Listen to your tone of voice and the words you use. What do you hear? Sadness, fear, anger, happiness?

What is your body telling you? Is it tense and rigid with anger? Running with fear? Heavy with sadness and grief? Dancing with joy?

Talking to people in recovery helps too. Going to meetings helps. Once we feel safe, many of us find that we open up naturally and with ease to our feelings.

We are on a continual treasure hunt in recovery. One of the treasures we're seeking is the emotional part of ourselves. We don't have to do it perfectly. We need only be honest, open, and willing to try. Our emotions are there, waiting to share themselves with us.

Today, I will watch myself and listen to myself as I go through my day. I will not judge myself for what I'm feeling; I will accept myself.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

23/02/2024

February 23

Strength

We don't always have to be strong. Sometimes, our strength is expressed in being vulnerable. Sometimes, we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.

We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be strong.

There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible. Occasionally we don't want to get out of our pajamas. Sometimes, we cry in front of people. We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger.

Those days are okay. They are just okay.

Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to "fall apart" when we need to. We do not have to be perpetual towers of strength. We are strong. We have proven that. Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.

Today, Higher Power, help me to know that it is okay to allow myself to be human. Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when I need to "fall apart."

The Language of Letting Go
Melidy Beattie
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.

22/02/2024

February 22

Solving Problems

I ask that You might help me work through all my problems, to Your Glory and Honor.
--Alcoholics Anonymous

Many of us lived in situations where it wasn't okay to identify, have, or talk about problems. Denial became a way of life--our way of dealing with problems

In recovery, many of us still fear problems. We may spend more time reacting to a problem than we do solving it. We miss the point; we miss the lesson; we miss the gift. Problems are a part of life. So are solutions.

A problem doesn't mean life is negative or horrible. Having a problem doesn't mean a person is deficient. All people have problems to work through.

In recovery, we learn to focus on solving our problems. First, we make certain the problem is our problem. If it isn't, our problem is establishing boundaries. Then we seek the best solution. This may mean setting a goal, asking for help, gathering more information, taking an action, or letting go.

Recovery does not mean immunity or exemption from problems; recovery means learning to face and solve problems, knowing they will appear regularly. We can trust our ability to solve problems, and know we're not doing it alone. Having problems does not mean our Higher Power is picking on us. Some problems are part of life; others are ours to solve, and we'll grow in necessary ways in the process.

Face and solve today's problems. Don't worry needlessly about tomorrow's problems, because when they appear, we'll have the resources necessary to solve them.

Facing and solving problems, working through problems with help from a Higher Power, means we're living and growing and reaping benefits.

Higher Power, help me face and solve my problems today. Help me do my part and let the rest go. I can learn to be a problem solver.

©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.

21/02/2024

February 21

Living in the Present

The present moment is all we have. Yes, we have plans and goals, a vision for tomorrow. But now is the only time we possess. And it is enough.

We can clear our mind of the residue of yesterday. We can clear our mind of fears of tomorrow. We can be present, now. We can make ourselves available to this moment, this day. It is by being fully present now that we reach the fullness of tomorrow.

Have no fear, child, a voice whispers. Have no regrets. Relinquish your resentments. Let Me take your pain. All you have is the present moment. Be still. Be here Trust.

All you have is now. It is enough.

Today, I will affirm that all is well around me, when all is well within.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

20/02/2024

20/02/2024

February 20

Setting Our Own Course

We are powerless over other people's expectations of us. We cannot control what others want, what they expect, or what they want us to do and be.

We can control how we respond to other people's expectations.

During the course of any day, people may make demands on our time, talents, energy, money, and emotions. We do not have to say yes to every request. We do not have to feel guilty if we say no. And we do not have to allow the barrage of demands to control the course of our life.

We do not have to spend our life reacting to others and to the course they would prefer we took with our life.

We can set boundaries, firm limits on how far we shall go with others. We can trust and listen to ourselves. We can set goals and direction for our life. We can place value on ourselves.

We can own our power with people.

Buy some time. Think about what you want. Consider how responding to another's needs will affect the course of your life. We live or own life by not letting other people, their expectations, and their demands control the course of our life. We can let them have their demands and expectations; we can allow them to have their feelings. We can own our power to choose the path that is right for us.

Today, God, help me own my power by detaching and peacefully choosing the course of action that is right for me. Help me know I can detach from the expectations and wants of others. Help me stop pleasing other people and start pleasing myself.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

19/02/2024

When we’re people-pleasing, our needs are malleable, our wants are expendable, and our values are moot. We’re willing to contort ourselves into whatever shapes our relationships require of us⁠—even if that means losing who we are.

For some people, healing means becoming more flexible and compromising. For people-pleasers, healing often means becoming LESS flexible, and giving ourselves permission to be uncompromising about the things that matter most.

After a lifetime of shapeshifting, it's incredibly healing to allow ourselves to have non-negotiable needs and values: aspects of us that we will not compromise for anyone, even those we love, because to sacrifice them would be equivalent to losing ourselves entirely.

Sometimes, fear, guilt, and self-doubt hold us back from setting non-negotiables and enforcing our boundaries with others.

Discomfort when learning to self-advocate is *inevitable.* Instead of trying to find ways around it⁠—an impossible task⁠—it’s incredibly important that we find ways THROUGH IT, ways that offer us a feeling of safety, ground, and confidence to make the hard but right choices for us.

THIS Wednesday, 2/21 join me at my brand new live workshop, The Self-Soothing Survival Guide, where you will learn a comprehensive, customized toolkit of strategies for self-soothing through⁠ discomfort, becoming a safe haven for yourself, and boldly setting the boundaries you need.

For more information and tickets, visit https://bit.ly/49kC9lZ

19/02/2024

February 18

Our Path

I just spent several hours with someone from my group, and I feel like I'm losing my mind. This woman insisted that the only way I would make progress in my program was to go to her church and succumb to her religious rules. She pushed and insisted, and insisted and pushed. She's been in the program so much longer than I have. I kept thinking that she must know what she's talking about. But it didn't feel right. And now I feel crazy, afraid, guilty, and ashamed.
--Anonymous

The spiritual path and growth promised to us by the Twelve Steps does not depend on any religious belief. They are not contingent upon any denomination or sect. They are not, as the traditions of Twelve Step programs state, affiliated with any religious denomination or organization.

We do not have to allow anyone to badger us about religion in recovery. We do not have to allow people to make us feel ashamed, afraid, or less than because we do not subscribe to their beliefs about religion.

We do not have to let them do it to us in the name of God, love, or recovery.

The spiritual experience we will find as a result of recovery and the Twelve Steps will be our own spiritual experience. It will be a relationship with God, a Higher Power, as we understand God.

Each of us must find our own spiritual path. Each of us must build our own relationship with God, as we understand God. Each of us needs a Power greater than ourselves. These concepts are critical to recovery.

So is the freedom to choose how to do that.

Higher Power, help me know that I don't have to allow anyone to shame or badger me into religious beliefs. If they confuse that with the spirituality available in recovery, help me give their issue back to them. Help me discover and develop my own spirituality, a path that works for me. Guide me, with Divine Wisdom, as I grow spiritually.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

18/02/2024

You know the saying “nothing will work unless you do”? That goes for relationships too.

Our relationships reflect how much we work on them.

If your partner isn’t currently investing in the relationship, that’s a sign you need to have a conversation.

So if you are in this spot where you’re the only one trying to make the relationship work, stop. Then ask yourself, “if I stop doing all this work, do we still have a relationship, and is that I that I want?”

Because it’s always great to improve a relationship, and I’m not by any means telling you not to try. But at some point, you have to say, am I okay with this?

If this is you, comment the number ‘8’ and I’ll send you 8 questions every relationship needs to be able to answer.

Follow me .vanruler to learn how to get past your past and create life-giving relationships.

18/02/2024

Telling a people-pleaser we “should just say no” or “shouldn’t feel guilty about our boundaries” isn’t enough.

If we’ve been abused, punished, or emotionally neglected for our boundaries in the past⁠—as many of us have⁠—we need to *experience firsthand,* in an embodied way, that it is *safe to say no to you.*

Not just once, not just twice, but over and over again.

Slowly, our nervous system learns that “no” doesn’t lead to the disastrous consequences it did in the past. Now, we are safe.

I understand that receiving a “no” can be disappointing and frustrating, especially if it’s a no to something really important to you.

If you receive a no and you find it disappointing, I’m not saying that you need to deny your own emotional reality and pretend to be thrilled by it.

But, I *am* saying that HOW you convey that disappointment matters A LOT. Ideally: Gently, kindly, calmly.

For example:
👉 “Thank you for telling me. I’m disappointed by this, but I’m really glad you felt comfortable enough to be honest and say no.”
👉 “Thank you for telling me; it must have been really hard to say that. Yes, I’m disappointed, but your ’no’ doesn’t change how much I love you.”
👉 “Thank you for telling me how you feel. I know that’s not easy for you. If you’re open to it, I’d love to talk a little more about why this is important to me and troubleshoot some compromises.”

Yelling, punishing, withdrawing, stonewalling⁠: all of these responses perpetuate the people-pleaser’s unconscious fear that boundaries aren’t safe.

This Wednesday, my NEW live workshop, The Self-Soothing Survival Guide, will explore how our nervous system’s perception of safety and danger informs our people-pleasing⁠—and explore how to self-soothe the nervous system so we feel safe enough to say no. Learn more and get tix at https://www.eventbrite.com/e/the-self-soothing-survival-guide-for-courageous-self-advocacy-tickets-819265313607?aff=oddtdtcreator

18/02/2024

The more you expect from anything outside of yourself, the more disappointment you're gonna have.

18/02/2024

February 18

Being Right

Recovery is not about being right; it's about allowing ourselves to be who we are and accepting others as they are.

That concept can be difficult for many of us if we have lived in systems that functioned on the "right/wrong" justice scale. The person who was right was okay; the person who was wrong was shamed. All value and worth may have depended on being right; to be wrong meant annihilation of self and self-esteem.

In recovery, we are learning how to strive for love in our relationships, not superiority. Yes, we may need to make decisions about people's behavior from time to time. If someone is hurting us, we need to stand up for ourselves. We have a responsibility to set boundaries and take care of ourselves. But we do not need to justify taking care of ourselves by condemning someone else. We can avoid the trap of focusing on others instead of ourselves.

In recovery, we are learning that what we do needs to be right only for us. What others do is their business and needs to be right only for them. It's tempting to rest in the superiority of being right and in analyzing other people's motives and actions, but it's more rewarding to look deeper.

Today, I will remember that I don't have to hide behind being right. I don't have to justify what I want and need with saying something is "right" or "wrong." I can let myself be who I am.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

17/02/2024

February 17

Acceptance

Our basic recovery concept that never loses its power to work miracles is the concept called acceptance.

We do not achieve acceptance in a moment. We often have to work through a mirage of feelings - sometimes anger, outrage, shame, self-pity, or sadness. But if acceptance is our goal, we will achieve it.

What is more freeing than to laugh at our weaknesses and to be grateful for our strengths? To know the entire package called "us" - with all our feelings, thoughts, tendencies, and history - is worthy of acceptance and brings healing feelings.

To accept our circumstances is another miraculous cure. For anything to change or anyone to change, we must first accept others, the circumstance, and ourselves exactly as they are. Then, we need to take it one step further. We need to become grateful for our circumstances or ourselves. We add a touch of faith by saying, "I know this is exactly the way it's supposed to be for the moment."

No matter how complicated we get, the basics never lose their power to restore us to sanity.

Today, God, help me practice the concept of acceptance in my life. Help me accept others, my circumstances, and myself. Take me one step further, and help me feel grateful.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

16/02/2024

Welcome to my FREE InnerPower™ Event Series!

What is it about?

This 6-week program is designed to transform you from High Achiever to Top Performer once and for all. High Achievers suffer from ‘happy when’ syndrome, chasing outcomes in hopes of finding happiness one day. Top Performers, on the other hand, live by the ‘happy now’ principle. They’re fully aware that the best results come from living in alignment and joy.

What is it based on?

InnerPower™ teachings are built on the five pillars of life-mastery. Each pillar builds on the previous one, gradually and systematically bringing the powerful light of awareness into your relationship with yourself and the world around you. These sessions are designed to declutter your mind, release your triggers, raise your vibration, ignite your passions, and step into the power of your ultimate purpose.

What are the results?

The results impact every area of your life:

- Supercharge your personal growth journey
- Elevate your professional career to new heights
- Gain practical strategies to overcome anxiety, fear, and limiting beliefs
- Learn ways to improve relationships and connect on a deeper level
- Get practical methods for manifesting a happier, healthier, more abundant life
- Take your performance to the next level by unlocking your InnerPower™.

But don’t take my word for it - join me for this workshop series and feel it to believe it!

See you there!

Chris Cirak

16/02/2024

February 16

Detachment

The concept of letting go can be confusing to many of us.

When are we doing too much or trying too hard to control people and outcomes?

When are we doing too little?

When is what we're doing an appropriate part of taking care of ourselves?

What is our responsibility, and what isn't?

These issues can challenge us whether we've been in recovery ten days or ten years.

Sometimes, we may let go so much that we neglect responsibility to others or ourselves. Other times, we may cross the line from taking care of ourselves to controlling others and outcomes.

There is no rulebook. But we don't have to make ourselves crazy; we don't have to be so afraid. We don't have to do recovery perfectly. If it feels like we need to do a particular action, we can do it. If no action feels timely or inspired, don't act on it.

Having and setting healthy limits - healthy boundaries - isn't a tidy process. We can give ourselves permission to experiment, to make mistakes, to learn, to grow.

We can talk to people, ask questions, and question ourselves. If there's something we need to do or learn, it will become apparent. Lessons don't go away. If we're not taking care of ourselves enough, well see that. If we are being too controlling, we'll grow to understand that too.

Things will work out. The way will become clear.

Today, I will take actions that appear appropriate. I will let go of the rest. I will strive for the balance between self-responsibility, responsibility to others, and letting go.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.