The Daily Bystander (2024)

08/11/2022

Following the mid-terms election wipeout at every level of government, members of the Democrat party have humbly called for deep, personal introspection and for most American cities to be burned to the ground. After such a thorough repudiation of their ideas, many progressive strategists are now seeking contemplative solitude, as soon as this downtown Starbucks is ablaze in restorative justice....

After an embarrassing election defeat, Democrats must ask themselves a lot of tough questions and burn a lot of neighborhood buildings.

06/11/2022

MSNBC host Joy Reid recently stated on her nightly show that the popular term "Asufutimaehaehfutbw" was never part of the "normal lexicon" until President Joe Biden "taught people the word". Reid controversially claims that the word now permeating conversations across the country was never used by regular people before Biden made it popular when introducing new Supreme Court nominee Judge Ketani Brown Jackson: "America is a nation that can be defined in a single word: Asufutimaehaehfutbw." the President confidently proclaimed....

Just like inflation, Asufutimaehaehfutbw isn't a common word used by common people says MSNBC host Joy Reid.

04/11/2022

With the 2022 mid-terms scheduled for next week, across the country voters excited at the prospect of sweeping the GOP back into national power are having their hopes dashed after remembering it's the GOP they're sweeping back into power. Citizens have been galvanized by the promises to push back against the monopoly of control the Democrats have wielded to destroy the country and are temporarily excited to see the GOP gradually shuffle down that same path once elected....

With the 2022 mid-terms scheduled for next week, across the country voters excited at the prospect of sweeping the GOP

02/11/2022

The nation remains in a state of shock to discover that childless cat-moms apparently don't know what's best for your child's education. Surveying the army of unhinged, non-productive pet parents that helped make critical decisions about Covid policies and closing schools for years, real parents have begun to seriously question if they should have left the educational decisions of their children to these people....

Some parents are beginning to wonder if shutting down schools at the behest of childless cat-moms wasn't the best strategy for their children.

31/10/2022

Highlands, UT - As the mid-term elections approach this November, 'Independent' candidate for Senate Evan McMullin is excited for everyone to disappoint him once again. The Utah politician has spent the last year traveling across his home state, expressing his deep love for its history and traditions. This is the same state he will later accuse of being a backwards hotbed of ignorance that threatens democracy after he easily…...

Senate candidate Evan McMullin excited to see democracy in action as it utterly fails to select him as its leader once again.

25/10/2022

San Francisco, CA - Twitter employees have submitted a formal list of demands for incoming owner Elon Musk, primary among them stipulating heavy duty moving boxes to pack up their desks after their expected terminations. Under a section entitled "Respect", the document states "...to uphold our dignity as valued employees, we demand heavy duty moving boxes to appropriately house our Funko Pop collections and Bernie 2024 memorabilia as we are escorted from the premises"....

San Francisco, CA – Twitter employees have submitted a formal list of demands for incoming owner Elon Musk, primary among

25/10/2022

Game developer 2K recently announced their highly anticipated 2023 NBA2K player rankings, including which players are secretly gay. Appearing on ESPN’s NBA Today, 2K digital marketing director Ronnie Singh revealed which players overall offensive skills garnered the top league rankings, including how players scored in the NBA2K “Gay Ratings” for the upcoming season. Players were reportedly excited how gay they had been rated for 2023 and if their attempts during the offseason would convince 2K designers to reward them with even higher gay scores....

Game developer 2K recently announced their highly anticipated 2023 NBA2K player rankings, including which players are secretly gay. Appearing on

25/10/2022

During a post-mortem to discuss what negatives led to the relaunched gaming network G4’s cancellation, developers reportedly regretted not placing save points immediately before Indiana “Frosk” Black’s rant against the channel’s fans. “Looking back,” admitted lead developer Max Barnes, “not allowing our audience to reload the channel to that point before they realized we hated them was probably a design miss.” …...

During a post-mortem to discuss what negatives led to the relaunched gaming network G4’s cancellation, developers reportedly regretted not placing

19/10/2022

Mayberry, NC - The parents of young Tom Taylor sadly informed him that his beloved dog Happy went to live in a 6 part miniseries upstate, where he'll be even happier. Fighting back tears yet maintaining his trademark smirk, the precocious boy wondered why Happy had to leave. However his parents didn't have the heart to tell him Happy "left" because Tom didn't put in any of the creative effort needed to keep Happy "with them"....

Mayberry, NC – The parents of young Tom Taylor sadly informed him that his beloved dog Happy went to live

19/10/2022

New York, NY - In front of hundreds of viewers, former gaming personality Adam Sessler successfully completed his G4 cancellation speedrun in record time. Fans of the once popular network were doubtful anyone could run through the relaunched network in record time, but Adam and friends were able to terminate the channel in under 12 months. "I thought no way man," expressed fan Harvey W**d, "but then seeing how fast he started burning through audience goodwill in the early levels, I knew he had a good shot at the record speedrun." Sessler's run started incredibly strong, with an improvised rant by Indiana "Frosk" Black, attacking the channel's previous shows and loyal fans....

New York, NY – In front of hundreds of viewers, former gaming personality Adam Sessler successfully completed his G4 cancellation

17/10/2022

New York, NY - The National Football League, responding to a rash of very public player concussions, is now requiring quarterbacks to arrive at the stadium with a signed permission slip from their moms to participate in tackle football. The league had hoped to delay this decision until the new "flag football" Pro Bowl game had been played, to better determine which solution would more thoroughly ruin the sport....

New York, NY – The National Football League, responding to a rash of very public player concussions, is now requiring

15/10/2022

Salt Lake City, UT - Independent Senate candidate Evan McMullin called his liberal counterpart in Texas, Beto O'Rourke, to brag that he just finished his concession speech and now has his entire Saturday free. McMullin informed O'Rourke that he might even take his sweet drone out and "just check out the neighborhood" this afternoon, now that he's put the finishing touches on his "it was a moral victory" comments he plans to give after being thoroughly beaten by opponent Mike Lee in the upcoming Utah Senate election....

Salt Lake City, UT – Independent Senate candidate Evan McMullin called his liberal counterpart in Texas, Beto O’Rourke, to brag

14/10/2022

Harrisburg, PA - Pennsylvania Senate candidate John Fetterman's faltering campaign unveiled a new campaign slogan declaring: "Now Is Not The Time To Stop Electing Democrat Half-Wits". Fetterman's campaign is hoping the new focus will remind Keystone State voters that they've already voted for hundreds of mentally-challenged Democrats in the past, why stop now? History appears to side with the Lieutenant Governor's bold assertion, as the long list of successful, borderline-retarded candidates from the Democratic party should make a vote for Fetterman the comfortable choice for many voters....

Harrisburg, PA – Pennsylvania Senate candidate John Fetterman’s faltering campaign unveiled a new campaign slogan declaring: “Now Is Not The

13/10/2022

San Diego, CA - The internet is abuzz with speculation about who will be playing the new female Black Panther, after Marvel released a trailer for Wakanda Forever featuring a glimpse of a masked actress in a black pantsuit. The new heroine, replacing the late Chadwick Boseman as protector of the fictional land of Wakanda, is seen in the trailer awkwardly stumbling as bodyguards help her around the scene....

San Diego, CA – The internet is abuzz with speculation about who will be playing the new female Black Panther,

12/10/2022

Bristol, CT - After a controversial comment on Monday Night Football, NFL analyst Troy Aikman is even more satisfied with his recent decision to move to ESPN, thus ensuring ESPN wouldn't cover his non-politically correct statement. As of Wednesday morning, Aikman's comment about how the NFL should "take the dresses off" was completely absent from ESPN reporting, even though it continued to dominate the halls of Twitter and woke sports commentary....

Bristol, CT – After a controversial comment on Monday Night Football, NFL analyst Troy Aikman is even more satisfied with

11/10/2022

Kansas City, MO - NFL analyst and Hall of Fame quarterback Troy Aikman clarified a controversial comment he made during Monday night's telecast, stating in an apologetic tweet: "I insensitively suggested we 'take the dresses off', what I actually meant to say , 'we take the green pantsuits off.'" The commentary that sparked intense outrage on Twitter by thousands of "NFL fans" that have never yet watched an NFL game, was in response to the increasing overprotection provided to quarterbacks....

Kansas City, MO – NFL analyst and Hall of Fame quarterback Troy Aikman clarified a controversial comment he made during

07/10/2022

Denver, CO - A groggy nation awoke Friday morning to find itself in the NFL's concussion protocol 'blue tent', after witnessing the Indianapolis Colts defeat the Denver Broncos 12-9 on Thursday Night Football, in what many observers are calling one of the ugliest, most brutal games football fans have ever been forced to watch. Fans were observed aimlessly staggering away from the vicious blow of football mediocrity, unable to answer even the simplest of questions about why QB Russell Wilson would throw into the end zone with under two minutes remaining....

Denver, CO – A groggy nation awoke Friday morning to find itself in the NFL’s concussion protocol ‘blue tent’, after

04/10/2022

Redmond, WA - Since announcing a new partnership with famed Japanese creator Hideki Kojima in June, Xbox has been forced to repeatedly reassure worried fans that the company is still dedicated to making video games. The Japanese auteur, known for his grand and quirky series like Metal Gear Solid and Death Stranding, famously allows viewers to watch long and overly dramatic cutscenes for hours on end....

Redmond, WA – Since announcing a new partnership with famed Japanese creator Hideki Kojima in June, Xbox has been forced

29/09/2022

Mountain View, CA - Google today announced they will pay associated travel expenses for their gaming cloud service Stadia to procure an abortion. The decision to terminate the poorly received and underdeveloped gaming service was a personal one that Google fully supports. "This weakly conceived idea shouldn't ruin the rest of Google's life. We were young, we thought we could make a cloud gaming experience with no exclusive titles and poor network lag on fast paced games that dominate the industry....

Mountain View, CA – Google today announced they will pay associated travel expenses for their gaming cloud service Stadia to

29/09/2022

Washington, DC - Responding to news that Russia plans to annex parts of Ukraine after questionable election victories that many are calling "shams", President Biden despairingly declared the efforts: "amateurish". When pressed for context, the President stated in an afternoon press conference, "I read where they were bussing Russians all the way into Ukraine to vote for these plans," Biden recounted with a chuckle and shake of the head, "Are there no cemeteries in Ukraine?...

Washington, DC – Responding to news that Russia plans to annex parts of Ukraine after questionable election victories that many

28/09/2022

Wadsworth, OH - Cleveland Browns' Pro-Bowl defensive end Myles Garrett was involved in a single car crash in northeast Ohio, claiming the shoulder of the road he slammed his Porsche into had "used a racial slur". Sports commentators were quick to justify Garrett's actions of flipping his car multiple times into the embankment once news of the racial comments were revealed....

Wadsworth, OH – Cleveland Browns’ Pro-Bowl defensive end Myles Garrett was involved in a single car crash in northeast Ohio,

27/09/2022

Toronto, Canada - As first noted on Bounding Into Comics, Ubisoft plans to update the anticipated return of the Splinter Cell franchise for "modern audiences", specifically by increasing the number of in-game vision mode options from the well-known binary to 54. The legendary stealth game centered much of its gameplay around the ability of protagonist Sam Fisher to leverage his iconic "trifocal" goggles' night and thermal vision for detecting and avoiding enemy personnel....

Toronto, Canada – As first noted on Bounding Into Comics, Ubisoft plans to update the anticipated return of the Splinter

21/09/2022

As the fallout from the devastating hack of Rockstar Games' upcoming Grand Theft Auto VI continues, the hacker responsible has leaked information about a new game character called Hunter the Crackhead. According to leaked game design documents, Hunter is described as the son of a major politician and will play a large role in the gameplay, sending the player on various missions to procure more crack or purchase unlicensed fi****ms....

As the fallout from the devastating hack of Rockstar Games’ upcoming Grand Theft Auto VI continues, the hacker responsible has

21/09/2022

Hollywood, CA - Universal Pictures has announced the next entry into the billion-dollar Jurassic Park franchise will feature a dinosaur escaping it's handlers and widely sharing it's unvetted opinions to members of the press. The story will follow a familiar narrative of the decades old franchise, where careful public relations personnel believe they have careful control over the unpredictable and often dangerous dinosaur, only to see their hubris result in it breaking free and sharing its ideas about Taiwan and the pandemic with 60 Minutes....

Hollywood, CA – Universal Pictures has announced the next entry into the billion-dollar Jurassic Park franchise will feature a dinosaur

06/05/2022

Seattle, WA - In response to the upcoming changes in national abortion laws, Amazon has pledged free two-day delivery of pregnant employees to abortion clinics nationwide. "We're delighted to offer this quick, convenient service to our female employees," states Amazon spokesperson Karsen Maddox. "We're even more delighted to get them back just as quickly into our warehouses, doing what they do best: working for us." Amazon, known for their innovative efficiency advancements is already pondering a future where drones could deliver the birthing person to extraction sites or perhaps an even brighter tomorrow where abortions are performed in the Amazon warehouse itself, thus enabling a birthing person to terminate a life while still not falling behind on their order fulfillment quotas....

https://thedailybystander.com/2022/05/05/amazon-now-offering-free-2-day-delivery-of-pregnant-employees-to-abortion-clinics-nationwide/

Seattle, WA – In response to the upcoming changes in national abortion laws, Amazon has pledged free two-day delivery of

06/05/2022

Washington, D.C. - A recent leak suggests the Supreme Court plans to end constitutional protections for abortions, so that "all children have the opportunity to enjoy these wonderful vaccinations our friends from Pfizer have given us." Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts stated, "It's absolutely imperative we all get these critical Covid vaccinations and subsequent monthly boosters. Abortion prevents the most vulnerable of us all from doing their part in keeping us all safe." Abortionists had submitted a compromised solution of injecting the fetus with the miracle vaccine from Pfizer before the abortion process tears it apart....

https://thedailybystander.com/2022/05/05/court-ends-abortions-so-all-children-have-opportunity-to-enjoy-these-wonderful-pfizer-vaccines/

Washington, D.C. – A recent leak suggests the Supreme Court plans to end constitutional protections for abortions, so that “all

05/05/2022

Baltimore, MD - Progressive women across the country are desperately trying to get pregnant so they can get an abortion before the Supreme Court issues an expected, new ruling in the upcoming months. The frantic effort to procreate and then kill that creation comes as a leaked draft of a Supreme Court decision suggests the court will soon rule the Constitution does not in fact grant mothers the freedom to murder their children....

https://thedailybystander.com/2022/05/04/women-scrambling-to-get-pregnant-so-they-can-abort-child-before-supreme-court-ruling/

Baltimore, MD – Progressive women across the country are desperately trying to get pregnant so they can get an abortion

10/03/2022

Menlo Park, CA - Facebook has announced a change to their policy forbidding users from expressing hateful or violent comments about specific nationalities or people. In fact, the social media company is now demanding (temporarily) that all users must spend two minutes each day to write hateful and violent things about Russians and their leader Vladimir Putin. Facebook representative Ned Parsons assured reporters: "No one is necessarily obliged to participate, but, on the contrary, that it's impossible to avoid joining in....

https://thedailybystander.com/2022/03/10/facebook-demands-everyone-write-hateful-things-about-russians-for-two-minutes-each-day/

Menlo Park, CA – Facebook has announced a change to their policy forbidding users from expressing hateful or violent comments

10/03/2022

Saint Petersburg, Russia - The classical music of Russian composer Pyotr Tchaikovsky has been banned throughout the western world after the famous musician refused to denounce Russia's invasion of neighboring Ukraine. In a hastily thrown together news conference in front of his grave site, reporters peppered the headstone with multiple opportunities to speak out against his homeland's aggression. Tchaikovsky's grave remained stoic and silent, leading many to correctly infer he fully supports the murder of Ukrainian children by flamethrower....

https://thedailybystander.com/2022/03/10/tchaikovsky-music-banned-after-refusing-to-denounce-putin/

Saint Petersburg, Russia – The classical music of Russian composer Pyotr Tchaikovsky has been banned throughout the western world after

06/03/2022

Washington, D.C. - Upon notification the Russian government has detained a "star WNBA basketball player", the American government has frantically failed to ID who that might be. Even close coordination with WNBA league offices have provided no clues as to which player, past or present, might come close to matching that description. Some intelligence officers have suggested the news was part of a Russian psy-ops to distract western agencies from focus on activities within Ukraine....

https://thedailybystander.com/2022/03/06/americans-desperately-trying-to-id-star-wnba-player-russians-claim-to-have-detained/

Washington, D.C. – Upon notification the Russian government has detained a “star WNBA basketball player”, the American government has frantically

The Daily Bystander

08/11/2022

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