13/07/2023
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There are lots of ways in which the way I parent is atypical. But the only one that consistently gets me blowback from others is my decision to parent gently. When I was pregnant with my first child, I thought that people would give me grief about breastfeeding or not using screens or avoiding gendered indoctrination or splitting household labor equally with my spouse.
Nope. What gets me the most judgment as a parent is my decision to treat my children as human beings with emotions, and to honor those emotions as if they matter.
Imagine a world in which we thought it was normal to leave our bereaved spouses alone in a bedroom to cry. Or where we punished our friends for expressing frustration. Children have less experience in the world, less understanding of emotions, and yet we expect them to show more awareness of both than we would ever demand from adults. In situations where we give adults support and nurturing, we give children abandonment and shame.
If you're trying to practice gentle parenting in a society that values neither gentleness nor parenting, solidarity.
And if you occasionally slip up under the immense weight of the burden, if you sometimes find you're not up to the monumental task of controlling your own emotions so you can help your child with theirs, I want you to know that you're not alone. All the social media content on gentle parenting makes it look like it's easy, and anyone without an abusive disposition can do it.
The reality is it's the hardest thing I've ever done. If it's hard for you, too, it's not because you're failing.
Controlling your own emotions after a day of struggling to do everything right, only to be met with a massive meltdown, is exhausting. It requires incredible emotional intelligence and self-control. On the days where you pull this off, pat yourself on the back.
And on the days where you don't? Remind yourself that our children do not need us to be perfect. One of the best things we can do for them is to show them how to behave after we mess up. Teach them how to apologize and take accountability; then show them they are worthy of receiving both from the people in their lives.
Relationships cannot, and should not, be perfect. Show them what to do when the imperfections bubble up and you'll prepare them well for the many times they have to apologize in their own lives--as well as the many times they must assess whether an apologetic person really means it, or is just manipulating them.
Photo by Prchi Palwe on Unsplash
