18/02/2021
My intention was to come on here and say something super positive to uplift people or share something really great with you all. But, I can’t do that. Not because I don’t want to empower you & not because there isn’t something good to share, life is always beautiful through all stages of transition.
But, I can’t pretend. I find myself frequently changing myself to allow others to feel more comfortable with themselves. I Will no longer shrink myself to be digestible for those that don’t appreciate me, don’t cherish me, those that don’t value me as a person.
For a long time I have been questioning myself. My abilities to do good in this world, be successful, be confident, love myself, care for other people, care for myself. These questions were influenced by the negativity that I am surrounded with some days. & I would love to say that I don’t know why I keep my environment the way I do, but I would be lying.
I want it. Part of me wants to stick around because I know there’s good in everyone & everything. Or maybe I’m just in denial & not seeing people for who they are. Or can you see people for who they are & still know there is good in them? Does that even make sense?
I have been doing so much of reflection in my life everyday. I analyze my behavior, spending habits, mood, my cats behavior, the worlds issues, my family, everything. I have attached myself to things that no longer serve me. Time has told me these things have expired, but then time goes on. & as days past I am fooled that things are good.
I know that healing is the hardest part of this entire process of being a better me. But, healing takes a lot of intention, a lot of work, and energy. Somethings I am just not full of right now.
I am stretched thin these days. I have this weight on my shoulders. That everyone holds me to the highest standard possible & believes that because I am smiling, laughing, positive, that I am okay.
I am not okay, I am struggling.
I love that people want me to do good in this life. But, for me to do well I need to be in an environment that I can grow & thrive in. An environement full of love, positivity, and support.
You cannot just support yourself. However, everyone is trying to. Trying to be such a “self made” “I got it out the mud” type of person. Don’t do that. You’re intentionally making yourself suffer because you want to be the golden child in the world. That’s not realistic. Stop thinking that you have to go through things alone, filter your feelings, change yourself, or pretend just because you want to be seen through a certain lens. Support is important & too many people are lacking that.
This idea that we are all separate is ridiculous. & I believe that in order to restore the goodness that I know was once there, we will need to support each other.
I am no longer scared to be Deja Marie. I am no longer being afraid to speak my truth because I shouldn’t “post all my business”. & with that same thought you’re reading this right now & know exactly what I’m talking about. I know you feel it too. So why wasn’t it ever being said before?
I know that things will get greater later. I know my abilities. I know my worth. It’s just this moment in my journey is teaching me so much that it’s hurting me to rip the mask of off how I used to view the world. But, as time proceeds, still I will rise.
I want to be loved, supported, cared for, cherished. & I know I will feel that at some point in this life. I am not wrong for wanting that & neither are you. We deserve to live whatever life we want.
I am healing. & I am struggling. But with time, I will ripe ever so sweetly. & the taste of who I am will melt a heart away.
Love 🤎
