The Better Than Borowitz Report

19/08/2022

16/08/2022

BREAKING NOT NEWS – Immediately after claiming this week that former President Donald Trump and Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis have BDE – big dick energy – the Republican nominee for governor of Arizona, Kari Lake, announced plans to tap this resource.

“This is a cheap and renewable – with the right medication – energy source,” Lake said. “If we could just plug these two studs into the grid during peak hours, who knows how much electricity they would generate. Just talking about it makes me tingle.”

While scientists say it is theoretically possible to harness big dick energy, the technology to convert BDE from Trump and DeSantis into a nontoxic form is not yet available. Nevertheless, Lake remains confident that big dick energy is the next big thing – and good for her campaign.

“I intend to ride this issue all the way to the governor’s mansion,” she said.

This is a highlight of Kari Lake's speech at the Turning Point USA / TP Action Unite And Win Rally on August 14th, 2022.

15/08/2022

Ain't it the thuth.

11/08/2022

A little long, but made me laugh more than once.

09/08/2022

"We should defund the FBI. They don't need all them windbreakers."

22/07/2022

Originally posted at Bindi at the Beach.

30/06/2022

BREAKING NEWS
White House Valet Will Testify Trump Never Threw Ketchup.
It was Catsup.

30/06/2022

Grandpa?

Yes, Billy.

How long has Texmas been a state?

You mean Texas. I don’t know, Billy. About 180 years.

It’s about time then.

About time for what?

To succeed! I heard on the news that Texas wants to succeed.

Ahhh. The word you want is secede.

Seaseed? You mean like seaweed?

No, Billy. Secede is what a state does when it wants to form its own country.

Wow! Has that ever happened?

Yes. During the Civil War. Ring a bell?

No. I don’t even know who Cybil is. Who cares what she wore?

What grade are you in?

Second.

Again?

Yup. Mommy says that at this rate I’ll be the only kid at my school with a beard and a driver’s license, but I think she’s eggsagerdating.

You mean exaggerating.

I mean mommy is full of beans. And so is Texas. They can’t secede. We won’t let them right, grandpa?

Well, Billy, it’s a long shot, but I wish them luck. If Texas goes, so does Ted Cruz. Win-win.

But what about all the oil and, uh, uh, uh, I don’t know ... armedadillas ... barbedacue ... tellabanjovists?

Let me answer that question with a question. Why is Texas called the Lone Star State?

I don’t know, grandpa.

Because that’s the highest rating they could get.

Grandpa! Be nice.

Not my nature.

I have a question. Will the mean orange man move to Texas?

Hmmm. That’s one way to avoid prison.

Every time mommy sees the mean orange man on TV she tells him to go to the hot place in the ground. Do you think she means Texas?

Billy! Be nice.

Not my nature.

Hush! The truth is there are plenty of good people in Texas and most of them don’t want to secede, but no idea is too dumb for the ...

I know the answer! I know the answer! Repelicans! Mommy says the Repelicans have more bad ideas than Anthony Weiner with a copy machine.

The ones in Texas do. Just look at their party platform.

They have a party platform? That’s so cool. No wonder Uncle Duane is a Repelican. He’s a party animal. But he’s also pretty smart. Whenever he posts something about politics, mommy replies, “STFU,” so he must have gone to college.

Listen and learn, Billy. A party platform is a political mission statement. All parties write them, but the platform created by the Republican Party of Texas sounds like it was written by rodeo clowns over whiskey shots in the back room of a cannabis dispensary.

Wow! I didn’t know Uncle Duane and his friends wrote the Repelican platform. I told you he was smart. And get this. He hunts rhinos!

Ahem. Besides urging a statewide vote on succession, the platform labels Joe Biden “acting” president because he didn’t “legally” win. Not nuts enough? How about repealing the Voting Rights Act of 1965? Stripping the federal government of the authority to collect income tax? Giving state legislatures the power to appoint U.S. Senators. The list goes on and on. It’s overwhelming.

I’m not overwhelmed. I’m happy.

Why?

Uncle Duane finally found his people.

Welcome to The Better Than Borowitz Report. Home to original and shared political/cultural satire. Inspired by the brilliant Andy Borowitz from The New Yorker magazine. Written and edited by the tr…

21/06/2022

Welcome to The Better Than Borowitz Report. Home to original and shared political/cultural satire. Inspired by the brilliant Andy Borowitz from The New Yorker magazine. Written and edited by the tr…

14/01/2022

Excellent after eating asparagus.

30/12/2021

Marjorie Taylor Greene's next gig?

NEW YORK, NY - After a long and fruitless search for a conservative host willing to subject herself to daily appearances on The View, producers have announced that in lieu of a conservative host, they will instead bring on an elephant piñata they can hit with sticks throughout the entire show ...

27/12/2021

Paging Dr. Oz. Dying man in desperate need of ivermectin prescription.

DALLAS, TX—Gathering his wife and children close to him as he shared the tragic news, area conservative Dan Gainey, 66, informed his family Tuesday that Critical Race Theory had spread to his liver. “There’s no easy way to say this, but I just got the diagnosis that I have Critical Race Theory...

28/11/2021

There are fancy pots ... and then there are fancy pots.

27/11/2021

A slippery slope.

21/11/2021

Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and AR 15s.

26/10/2021

24/08/2021

Fake news. They still breathe. But only through their mouths.

Millions of Republicans are turning blue and collapsing after scientists published a report that recommended breathing. The report stated that 100% of scientists and doctors...

16/08/2021

Too soon?

The Taliban rolled into Kabul on Sunday after the government collapsed while citizens and foreigners fled the country any way they could. There are many...

12/08/2021

Who’s your daddy, Matt?

03/07/2021

Dick rides again!

WILSON, WY—Following news that the military withdrawal had ramped up after U.S. troops pulled out of Bagram Airfield, former Vice President Dick Cheney was overheard Friday muttering “Someone’s gotta occupy Afghanistan” as he shoved a cache of fi****ms into a suitcase. “It’s a dirty job,...

02/07/2021

Too dark?

Donald Trump has begun the grim task of shredding his family as the Feds close in on him and his various shady dealings. After Manhattan...

16/06/2021

Oh well. He still has Lindsey.

“It’s like Ben and J. Lo. But show a little class,” a Trump associate said.

29/05/2021

NOT THE NEWSROOM – U.S. Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Local High School Parking Lot) continues to lay the groundwork for a possible shot at the White House in 2024.

Gaetz has been sharing his views on various topics as he seeks to become better known beyond mall food courts and drive-in theaters in his home state of Florida.

In recent weeks Gaetz has defended the display of cleavage in high school yearbooks, advocated for lowering the drinking age for Southern Comfort to 16 and introduced legislation to make twerking a graduation requirement for all female students.

Reaction has been mixed as some people accuse Gaetz of focusing too much on the naughty hotty vote while ignoring other wings of the GOP base such as gun nuts, insurrectionists and white supremacists.

During a rally in Georgia with fellow U.S. Rep. Marjorie Greene (R-All Nine Circles of Hell), Gaetz shelved his usual stump speech about cleavage and twerking and instead shared his take on the purpose of the Second Amendment.

“Let me make this as simple as possible,” Gaetz didn’t say but plainly inferred. “The Second Amendment is not about ensuring Americans can hunt or protect themselves from criminals or fend off foreign invaders. The Second Amendment is about ensuring Americans can shoot other Americans over politics.”

It's not the first time Gaetz has used such incendiary language.

23/05/2021

NOT THE NEWSROOM – U.S. Rep Matt Gaetz (R-Local High School Parking Lot) introduced emergency legislation last week that would extend attorney-client privilege to all communication between desperate do******gs and their former girlfriends.

Dubbed the Justice for Florida Man Act, the bill follows a report that one of Gaetz’s former flames is cooperating with authorities as they investigate Gaetz for s*x offenses – including trafficking a 17-year-old girl.

“When I hire a girlfriend, I am exercising my constitutional right to pursue happiness,” Gaetz said. “Under the Justice for Florida Man Act, nothing that an ex-girlfriend says – or films – would be admissible in court on the grounds that any such disclosures would threaten my future pursuit of ja****it. I mean happiness. The law would apply to girlfriends I hire directly as well as those hired by a wingman.”

Gaetz said the current system of silencing ex-girlfriends with hush money is broken.

“Paying them off no longer works,” he said, “Just ask Donald Trumproom. I mean Mushtrump. I mean ... oh hell. You know who I mean.”

13/05/2021

Hi everybody,

Just wanted to give a very belated shout out to all the folks back home who were unable to join us in Washington, D.C. on Jan. 6.

Holy coup! I mean cow. What a day!

The president promised it would be “wild” and, goodness gracious, he sure knows how to keep his promises! We were truly blessed to be there!

Big crowds usually make me nervous, but we were wearing the armor of God – a.k.a. MAGA hats – so we felt no fear.

Not when we walked past a gallows. Not when we heard the crash of broken glass. Not when some over-caffeinated patriots expressed their extreme displeasure with the vice president. Not even when a Capitol Police Officer screamed as the patriots squeezed his head between a set of doors.

No. We didn’t feel any fear. Just pride in celebrating our rights as entitled white Americans -- mainly the right to march on Congress with a violent mob whipped into a frenzy by a deranged demagogue. All followed by dinner at Cracker Barrel. Good times!

I know what the media has been saying, but hey, police officers, firefighters, veterans and elected officials were all part of the mob, so how threatening could it be? It wasn’t like we were wearing pink p***y hats or anything like that.

I agree 100% with Congressman Andrew S. Clyde (Good Old Boy, Ga.), who said this week during a hearing on so-called security lapses that it looked like a “normal tourist visit” – as long as you overlooked 99% of what happened.

One other thing. If anybody says Antifa was involved, I will hit them over the head with a fire extinguisher. All the credit goes to people like us – Trump supporters.

Sadly our little group never got inside. We heard the self-guided tours were a hoot! Some people even got to play tag with a Capitol Police Officer. He led them up some stairs, around a corner and straight into the arms of other Capitol Police Officers. Does that sound like an insurrection to you? I don’t think so!!!

God bless President Trump. And God bless the U.S.A. In that order.

Signed,
Karen McMurcan

P.S. Not long after returning home, we were all diagnosed with Covid. I just don’t understand how that could happen.

12/05/2021

Dedicated to the lady from Wyoming who won't shut up. Keep making that good trouble!

REMASTERED IN HD!Music video by Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers performing I Won't Back Down. (C) 1989 Geffen Records ...