17/11/2022
This is the last song I’m going to be posting for a while. Today is the day I speak my truth. I’m speaking my truth from public wifi belonging to the city in hopes that it will not be intercepted, altered, muted and suppressed as so many other things have been as a result of the “product” that is the process. These will be the last words I speak to many of you, and you will know if that applies by the way I cease to acknowledge your existence from this day forward. Let me start by saying, that this particular time of year is especially triggering to me. If you’re close to me, you’re probably already aware that my birthday is this coming Sunday and unfortunately, from the age of 16 my birthday has never been something to look forward to. November 20th 2006 my grandmother was murdered by a medical institution. The official cause of death was MRSA (A flesh eating virus that’s resistant to antibiotics.) I use the word “murdered” because my mother, having a sixth sense (if you want to call it that) saw it coming and there was a great deal of drama preceding the events that ultimately lead to her death. My family has never discussed how my mother ‘knew’ my grandmother wouldn’t make it out of the hospital alive and this is something that has bewildered me to this day. Imagine being checked out of school early ahead of your “sweet 16” celebrations, running to your parent’s truck with excitement only to be met with teary eyes and the news that there’s not going to be any celebrations this year because your grandmother; who was my favorite person in the whole world, as mother had rightfully predicted, wouldn’t be leaving the hospital in anything other than a body bag. Now, I don’t blame my mother for the ways her PTSD ruined every birthday from then on out, because to her… November 20th wasn’t my birthday anymore, it was the day her own mother was taken from this world ahead of her time, which is something I’m sad to say I can very much relate to, but regardless that’s what happened. Trauma every year that I happened to be in America on the day marking another trip around the sun. Flash forward to November 2018. Some of you will remember this, but I don’t think many (or any) of you got the full story of what happened after that especially traumatic birthday. I was in the process of trying to escape a very abusive relationship at the time, I don’t think anyone would argue with the fact I was being abused but nobody knew the full extent of it. What can I say to that other than I was embarrassed, afraid, and forced under the threat of violence to create evidence to the contrary. November 2018 the “man” I was dating decided he was going to take a vacation on my birthday (without me) and honestly, I wasn’t even upset about it; I was relieved because it was my chance to make a clean break and wished him well on his adventures. Before leaving town however, he went through the trouble of locking up all of MY recording equipment so that I couldn’t have access to it, knowing damn well that all I wanted to do on my birthday was sit in the studio and make music while he was off vacationing in New York. In a way it was comical, because… for those who don’t know me personally, I’m a professional locksmith by trade. You can’t lock me out of anything. (I mean, you can… but you’d be wasting your time so long as I have access to my tools.) And so, I spent my birthday that year, breaking into the studio to rescue my guitars and amplifiers and breaking up with that monster over the telephone. It would have been nice if that would have been the end of that nightmare, but it wasn’t. When he got back into town, he was livid. I was abducted, held hostage at a hotel (the one across from Silver Sands Outlet Mall in Santa Rosa Beach if there’s an angel with investigative powers reading this…Nothing will ever convince me that my being thrown into “the process” was for my benefit and not so he and his his family could escape the statute of limitations, but that’s a conversation best saved for my lawyers.) For three days I was held hostage… tortured, r***d, threatened in the most horrific ways, forced to write false confessions pertaining to my character. My boss at the time was on the verge of filing a missing person’s report because I hadn’t shown up for work and honestly, it’s a wonder I made it out of that situation with my life. All of it was extremely traumatic. Why am I bringing it up now? What does any of this have to do with this song I’m posting? — Let’s take this story back to 2006 and the whole “sixth sense” thing that I’ve apparently inherited from my mother. (I hate to break it to you and spoil what might otherwise be considered magic or some blessing from “higher powers", but the only thing supernatural about such things is one’s ability to play dumb while observing obvious patterns and concealing the extent of one’s knowledge pertaining to how the world REALLY works. If you can do it without snapping, yes… it is indeed a superpower and superpowers are “supernatural” by definition.) Sadly, I don’t have the strength to play dumb anymore. I’m old, I’m tired. I’m aware of what’s been going on, why it’s been going on, who the instigators are, and I’m just freaking done with all of it.) My “sixth sense” has shown me who my real friends are; and I’m sad to say that friends (and family!) who would take advantage of me in this way, benefiting from my suffering when they should have known better aren’t really friends at all; and furthermore, it just goes to show how detached from the reality of my life the lot of you are. I did not consent to this destructive force of an “intervention” that’s caused more harm than good in my life. So here’s to another birthday reminiscent of the one in 2018, where I wanted nothing more than to sit in my studio and make music (because that’s my medicine) only this time, I’m not able to because I can’t even afford strings for my guitar or replacement headphones to record vocals. Why? Because “spiritual alchemy” is abusive in the wrong hands, “enlightenment” is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy and isolation IS NOT the cure for PTSD or CPTSD, believe me when I say that my abuser gave me plenty of that, I’ve had enough isolation to last me a lifetime. All that being said, I’m going to be putting music on the back burner for a while, (I have no choice, I was set up for failure, and believe me when I say that my soul is crushed about it.) — This song is about su***de. I’m NOT suicidal (for the moment…), but in the name of awareness I think it deserves to be heard. Metaphorically, it’s appropriate. As I stated at the beginning of this, many of you lost a friend (and family member) today, you may not be aware of it (yet) but it will be obvious soon. All of you know what you did was inappropriate given my circumstances, truth be told… it makes you no better than the monster I spent years trying to escape from. I owe you nothing, least of all my forgiveness, and there will be no forgiveness before I receive some (sincere) apologies.
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track by Quantum Chimera
