Hannah’s Muse

03/18/2023

Sit with me
Under the stars
Express your dreams
To me - I’ll give
The time away - but
Not too far
For the lights
That stream
The stars that seem
To stretch away
Into the darkness
Light my soul, and
I will stay
The course, the day
A night and say
I love you

01/25/2023

I lay awake

In my bed at night and my mind
Takes me back into the times when

We were laying there

Holding each other tight and
Making all the things ok

But now you’re over there

Not with me or here and
I’m across the country living

Life seemed so unfair

Sometimes when we would fight
And I would wonder who was right

And you would take it there

Far beyond the reasoning
And it lasted all damn evening

And now I stare

Into the sun and then the moon and
Then I know that life will catch up soon

And then I may not care

What happened back before we
Closed the door and opened up

To see that life is fair

It was just us that had us bleeding
And the resentment there was feeding

All the dark that paired

With all the memories of leaving
And anxiety of rebirth within the forest of remembering

And this will not repair

All of the wounds that left me seething and
The times you left me reeling

And now I wear

All of my scars though you won’t see them
I am proud of how I healed them

And you will not dare

To come again into my mind and
Not again into my heart

Because it’s broken there

Waiting for someone to heal it
And it’s not you that will be

The one who finds me there

I will wait until I see her
Waiting patiently to meet her

She’s the one who cares

She will stand there in between us even
When I feel the fear of
When you used to be the worst of

All the time we spent

And now I close this memory
With one last wave cause now im leaving

You won’t find me there

In my head or stuck in all the ruts
That you left as you retreated

And I don’t hear you now

When I close my eyes, you’re silent
And I know that I have time left for

The new love that I deserve what’s more

I can’t even hear you yelling
And I’ll never hear you telling me

I’ve failed once more

Because I don’t take time to heed you
And I’ll never see you leading

This is overdue

But I had to say the words now
I can put all this in the purge now

I am whole once more

Because I love and I have learned how
To be focused on myself now

And I love me more

These you ever could have I know now
That you’re the one who never learned

And now I close the door

On that life I thought was perfect
Because it took some years to learn that

There was so much more

To me.

❤️

01/23/2023

Passions.

The soft kind. Pushing you along.

Pulling you towards adventure…experience…Exquisite passionately made love sprinkled on top of fiery nights and soft cuddles, warm embraces and soft kisses…

The passion grows…

Life moves and shapes itself around the passion in your eye, the adventure, the sweet love made under a million million stars…

Passions…

The angry kind. Intolerant.

They fire the contempt that spawns and divides, that destroys and invades the mind, the bonds we make…break.

Time.

We miss the soft passions and the beginnings, not the hard floors and endings, not the passive-aggressive lies and the rendings…

The tears and fears for the missing years as time fades away…

Time and fear will destroy you if you let it.

Face the curtain. Take your bow. But the showdown’s not over.

Grab the script and start the next rehearsal, the next show stars tomorrow and yesterday and they are impatient for you to make your move.

Now reach inside and find the fire. Look around and see where you are. Time is not the same and neither are you.

Now move, and truly so.

Take your place back among the stars, for you have fallen, and you are missed.

Restore your fire to the heavens.

Passions.

01/03/2023

“A time”

‘I had a tough time off it’, they say to me, as they stand there, dripping in sweat and blood and tears streaming…

The words flowing down, to the earth to mingle in the blood and tears, mix into the rue of life; that muddy soup we come from…that magical mirror of self from whence we came; from whence we chose to rise…

Life pools into my limbs as little rivulets pour out of the holes left in me by the passing of life and time…time…

Time heals all wounds they say; does it though? Do we retain only scars? Do we remember only pain?

Do the scars heal, seamlessly, to reveal a landscape bereft of beauty; the absolute energy of pain becomes a cloak to wear in revelry and grief alike…

In a time of chaos, the times of the hurricane, the times of the fires’ consumption of self and all…there is…I see…a glimmer…

A light in the darkness? A ship in the sun…on what small horizon does the mirth of sunset bring? A return to self? A lie? A promise?

All is forgiven in the void, the absence of blame and the portrayal of heart…we come to ourselves, unbroken and whole, we see ourselves through the mist-mirror, through the eye of life; we forsake our beauty and declare broken-hearted intentions for our lives when all we desire is GREATNESS! All we crave is LOVE!

All we thirst for is the warm hand that holds ours, the small affections laughing us through the pain…showing us the way in the darkness of the soul…the way to the light

The time is now, never could it be other than it is. The moon hangs in the past, always, and we muse the changes it brings, and we live by it’s light…the muted fire of the sun…

The past has gone and left us swooning…

The future has run away and sent us crooning…

And all along while we reach/grasp/dream/leap, unless we push; unless we soar through our night as a falcon searching for prey; unless we breathe in the plumes of magic surrounding us and become the savage, become the wild, become the life and love that we so need for ourselves…

We all become the Sabre-toothed tiger…

And we are trapped in

A Time..

~Hannah

11/22/2022

Sometimes
We
Begin
To see
The sun peak over the horizon

Teasing
Fleeting
Do we
Question
What comes with the morning

Sudden
Wonderful
Unexpected
Without intention
Change. 💜🌻

03/04/2022

Not often, I think about life. Not often, I fall prey to the pervasive nature of the state of alone…

02/14/2022

I will never forget, home…

the feeling of family…

the warm embrace of the heavy scent of milo, brohm, earth, and loam…

filling every corner.

I will always reside…

Under the boughs…

Of the trees of the orchard next door, inside…

That now lies asunder.

I remember you…

in my mind’s eye…

the land that was the last of a time we rue…

I am become acceptance.

For it was there in the trees…

amongst the fruit..

I learned to feel and sing and believe…

I will become myself again.

02/13/2022

Once.

I was a tree,

I stood,

I stand,

I.

Once.

I found the end.

Only to begin,

Again,

Anew.

Twice.

I lived as once before,

I am become this thing,

Once more;

Life.

01/29/2022

“Sing”

I didn’t even sing today

I thought inside my head…the notes of which I typically have sound bubbling from my soul through the eye of music is not something I can bring today, not a house in which I swing today, not a dimension I can think today, a showdown in my mind…

…when can I see the harmony, when can I feel the shine in me, when can I heal the line in me, what became the tears of she became the tears inside of we…

And so I didn’t sing today, the light of night got in the way of Melodies, the shuttered windows wept their tears of loneliness and we say and pondered what insight they might bring…for naught.

The songs of tears bring not the joy, the rapture, the pure and unadulterated beauty of love that the harmony of song can sing, her sweet melancholy tears cry life and love, and do not bring the rain…

…now I free the life in me, the light of free, the sight of grief, dwindles and fades among the trees; to be, to see…

I wonder, can you see? Do you feel it too…the sea, of oceans of possibilities, and when we see we freeze…headlights in the breeze and butterflies we feel inside trapped by fear and sweet exhilaration…

Those powerful vessels of songs yet to sing, the hopes and dreams of things, the sound and means of things, brings peace in times and flight on wings of things of what love may come…

Our wings beat a rhythm to our song of life, we swim; paling to the color of the deep, our siren’s call cries out to the weary…come and swim…and we won’t see a thing today…

…I didn’t even sing today.

01/13/2022

“How do you be ok??” they stare at me…it’s been said again and again.

I laugh the feeling away. it doesn’t leave. “I just let it go…” I fake a magical smile and say to them, those things you say to comfort them that have no experience in war, in that sort of relationship…what would they think if they knew…who would the mockery come from again…I do not let it go.

All that done now. Those times are gone and away and only deep crevices remain as scarred proof there were organs there that beat to the drum of the living…a husk now. A co**se walking, empty.

Solitude. Seems surreal. I thought it would never be again. Now to have everything stripped from me at this genesis, this horrible birth, this gushing wound of existence greets me at every moment...

I would love to say that I wrote these particular musings at an earlier, darker period of my life. Sadly, this just isn’t so. This is my now.

I am sharing this with you now, not as a Cry for Help, although many will indeed assume such. I share only so that a window can be opened through which mental health awareness can be viewed.

I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD for a number of years. I don’t medicate. I prefer to approach my mind on my own terms. I am not advising this to anyone and I deal in my own way that is best for me. But I am NOT always OK. And it’s not easy some days.

I attempted su***de at 13 after my mother succumbed to a long fight with brain and lymphatic cancer.

I put a gun in my mouth and I leaped. I pulled the trigger. Decisively. It clicked. I pulled the trigger two more times. Nothing.

I pulled the gun from my mouth and it went off past my ear. I knew right then that I was here for something. I never tried again and swore I never will.

I don’t know how to explain what it took to pull the trigger the second and then third times.

But I still think about it sometimes like, I don’t have that easy out at my disposal. It may not work. Now I think, I simply HAVE TO figure out a way against whatever it is. I don’t have that fallback option. It makes one feel very alone. Like I feel right now.

So check on your friends, Everyone! Make sure they know that you love them! Make sure you take the time out of your day to say.

🖤



***de

01/12/2022

What happened…

to the cold, they said. What they truly desire is the warm embrace of the snows kiss… the wisp of the tangible bit of Mother Nature…She yearns for us all to return, she pleads and shows us no mercy, she destroys us and rebuilds us in the image of Passion…we still sleep.

What will it take to wake our slumbering vision to the reality of our living home…our dying home…our Gaia? A chance is there that our demise is the toll…

What will we do?

01/12/2022

The Damage

I’m just a little bit damaged, you know, I said with a smile and I meant it…many conversations lead this way and end in directions uncomfortable to speak of, unspeakable to be comfortable with…

It’s the loneliness creeping in, again, sapping energy, creating a void where there was formerly a seemingly solid purchase, and a part of the love that was forsaken calls to me across the expanses of darkness laid out in front of me…a labyrinth of anxiety…

Someone speaks…a voice amongst the shadows where I sit, alone, brooding, pining for direction in the absence of thought…the sound becomes a wave along the event horizon of light; a beacon, a lighthouse revolving endlessly against the blackness, beating back the anonymous death that awaits the ships afloat abreast of her shore…

The wave smashes itself along the jetty of consciousness; the bonds of the reef of manifestation that we all struggle against steal the momentum from those powerful torrents, those deathly currents, those magnificent dreams…

I see the glimmer. I grasp for it blindly hoping for a chance at lucky happenstance and forgotten dreams…will it escape me? Will I founder under the surf or abandon all semblance of sanity and sink into the waves and breathe in the ocean, and become the sea?

The glorious bottomless beauty of it enraptures, envelopes, emblazons emotions, entertaining madness…

Would I die? Could I yet live? Would I accept the latter? Could I release my guilt and allow myself to become a remnant of human; a cutting to be spliced and bound to different roots and to surpass my inadequate nature?

But I digress from the fantasy I entertain, my reverie broken once I think, once I breathe, once I look at the sky…

The stars tell a different story…

01/06/2022

A Life Imagined

Once, I became a prism of a life, fragmented; a fractal of the true color of my soul, a light rising from ashes of a time become obsolete…

Once, I became a light amongst the darkness; the producer of shadows against the backdrop of my mind…a moving tapestry of unending undulations and the void of thoughtless intentions…

Once, I became pain; a fiery reminder of the warming destruction of passions past. An occurrence of memory…

Once, I became the loss of myself, an energy seeping the rot from death and depositing it within my mind…this is my misery.

Once I became the shot, the bullet, the wasted life, I hear the click of a hammer against pin and chamber echoing in my ears for an eternity of empty soundings of the manifestation of true despair; the acknowledged lack of any possible escape…

A mind becomes what it consumes and the product of its own eventual madness, a gentle malaises of aberrant thought amongst the garden of programmed blissful ignorance…

Once I became the sun, shining brilliance on all below, raising them into abundance, ultimately becoming the demise and source of fire and death, all becomes a burden in the absence of moderation.

Once I became energy, as I flowed between the moon and her source I became the silver light of the liquid moon, distilled through the filter that is the heart of our earth; our Gaia… the pulsing torrent that rages and churns below the surface…

Once I became the road upon which I travel, receiving the abuse of a thousand years of booted feet trodding their will upon the land…

Once I became the hearth, the home, the feel of family grown bitter and distant, the darkness returns again to consume me, and I drift amongst the rubble and breathe the ashes of my defeat…

Once again, I become the light for myself, the lighthouse of shores I have never sailed against; the rhythmic soothing touch of the ocean, her waves caress me and show me there is still love, demonstrate the need of it and it’s lacking, and drive the blade to the hilt in my tired and weary heart, easing me into the blackness…

To become reborn again amidst the falling remnants of a soon-forgotten life; I rise, a fierce burning inferno spreading along my wings as I become the phoenix once again, to burn and soar with the sun…To disintegrate the shadows…to exist only in the light of love and life…to burn with the fires of passion once again.

01/05/2022

A time

I had a tough time off it, they say to me, as they stand there, dripping in sweat and blood and tears streaming…
The words flowing down, to the earth to mingle in the blood and tears, mix into the rue of life; that muddy soup we come from…that magical mirror of self from whence we came; from whence we chose to rise…
Life pools in my limbs a little rivulets pour out of the holes left in me by the passing of life and time…time…
Time heals all wounds they say;does it though? Do we retain only scars? Do we remember only pain? Do the scars heal, seamlessly, to reveal a landscape bereft of beauty; the absolute energy of pain becomes a cloak to wear in revelry and grief alike…
In a time of chaos, the times of the hurricane, the times of the fires’ consumption of self and all…there is…I see…a glimmer…
A light in the darkness? A ship in the sun…on what small horizon doth sunset bring? A return to self?
All is forgiven in the void, the absence of blame and the portrayal of heart…we come to ourselves, unbroken and whole, we see ourselves through the mist-mirror, through the eye of life, we forsake our beauty and declare broken-hearted intentions for our lives when all we desire is GREATNESS! All we crave is LOVE! All we need is the warm hand that holds ours, the small affections laughing us through the pain…
The time is now, never could it be other than it is. The moon hangs in the past, and we muse the changes it brings, and we live by it’s light…
The past has gone and left us swooning…
The future has rented us and sent us crooning…
And all the while, unless we reach/grasp/dream/leap, we all become the Sabre-toothed tiger…
And we are trapped in
A Time..

01/05/2022