Calvin Chives

29/02/2024

11/04/2019

Help Save SAO by adding your voice to this petition. Let's get this up to 1000 signatures by the end of this week.

The Calvin SAO is arguably the most important aspect of Calvin College. Cutting it would be a grievous mistake antithetical to our mission and everything that makes us unique.

No final decisions have been made yet and I doubt that the administration was expecting this level of heartfelt pushback. I truly believe that we'll be able to move the dial on this one together if we fight for it now.

- James, Class of 2016, Ex-Editor of this Ex-Satirical page

Petition to Save SAO

27/10/2017

RIP

08/02/2017

BREAKING: Local Grand Rapids music venue, The Pyramid Scheme, renamed "U.S. Department of Education."

25/01/2017

BREAKING: Class of 1979 alumna Betsy DeVos an "inspiration" to all Calvin alumni with billionaire parents.

01/08/2016

If we get 2000 Facebook likes we won't restart the Chives.

21/05/2016

In case you were wondering, the Chives is no more. We decided to pull an LCD Soundsystem and end it on a high note rather than letting it become unfunny. We’ve tried a succession plan for post-graduation, but decided to rather end something well than let it become another empty Calvin tradition. Plus, I think it’s pretty safe to say that we’ve pretty much exhausted all the satire we could have made about this college.

When Jared and I came up with this ridiculous idea late one night in the coffee kitchen, we couldn’t have imagined it going on this long or getting this big. Since then, our other staff writers, Michael and Grant, have contributed some essential headlines and ideas. There were also some golden ones from our readers – Kendra Kamp made the fake new logo, for example, and some disgruntled alumni doled out some headlines on financial mismanagement. We’ve also been grateful for the absurdities Calvin has provided to us for free – from an incredibly out of touch administration, a wildly contradictory student body, to mumps.

It’s been a great experience, and we’re glad that you were here for the ride. For ourselves, we’ve learned the essential life skills of writing private-Christian-college specific satire on demand and creating questionable Photoshop designs. We may or may not put this on our resumes.

Alright, we’re done here.

- James (the guy second from left)

Ps. I should note that when we started off and made a post about Byker being the campus bike thief, RDs were asked by Byker to find out who was behind this project. So, hello, Mr. Byker. We hope that our small satirical page didn’t bother your retirement too much. And we hope that your $10,000,000 Lake Michigan house sells.

Pps. We were told that it was somebody’s job at admissions to read all online posts about Calvin to gauge peoples’ opinions. This included EVERY SINGLE POST by the Calvin Chives. So to that person – your job here is done. The war is over. You are now free.

21/05/2016

BREAKING: Calvin Chives forgets to recharter.

21/05/2016

BREAKING: Biblical historians astounded when discovering that the first letter of every Student News email spells out the lost Gospel of Mary.

20/05/2016

BREAKING: Graduating Senior, Michael Menninga, puts down yellow drawstring bag after four years of friendship.

"Tell me about the rabbits, Michael," said the nylon bag from Freshman year, moments before its disposal. "Tell me about how you're never going to let me go."

20/05/2016

BREAKING: Following complaints about the lack of variety at Commons Dining Hall, officials have announced plans to switch the taco line with the pasta line, and vice versa.

20/05/2016

BREAKING: Senior graciously accepts 5th "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" book of the day.

20/05/2016

CLASS OF 2016: Graduating civil engineering majors building bridges of friendship, chemical engineering majors burning bridges.

20/05/2016

BREAKING: Ring by Spring iPhone app released by CS seniors in desperation. The app holds only two questions: Are you over 6 feet tall, and what time can we meet to propose tomorrow?

20/05/2016

BREAKING: Guy driving home from campus plans on playing "Hero" song from Boyhood movie; looking out introspectively at the road; fading to credits.

20/05/2016

BREAKING: After the success of Wilderness Orientation, Calvin offers new alternative orientation option; Sexual Orientation.

20/05/2016

BREAKING: Freshman finds himself the 33rd third wheel at final floor date.

20/05/2016

BREAKING: Developer of Spoelhof Complex Develops Spoelhof Complex.

20/05/2016

BREAKING: Three people remaining on floor have less than 12 hours to remember their initiation ritual.

20/05/2016

BUDGET CUTS: Polish department disappears; everyone suspicious of German department.

19/05/2016

BREAKING: Nursing department has literal closet full of skeletons.

19/05/2016

BREAKING: Computer science campus tour guide spends entire time trying to convince girls to pick his major.

19/05/2016

RESIDENCE LIFE: Sophomore packs a year of life into his van, tearfully hugs his friends goodbye, and drives 5 minutes to his house.

19/05/2016

BREAKING: Calvin financial crisis traced back to President Byker putting Spoelhof Fieldhouse on his miscellaneous account.

19/05/2016

ALUMNI SPOTLIGHT: New grad enters first day of new job believing it will be exactly like Passport.

"Give me a drawstring bag and I'll be 100% ready for adult life," says graduate.

19/05/2016

GRADUATION: 100th year Super Senior walks out of last final; promptly dissolves into screaming cloud of bats.

19/05/2016

GRADUATION: Four years at Calvin completely changes Senior's idea.

"Well, I realized that eating cinnabons past twelve is never a good decision," said graduating Senior Zach Van Baak, referring to the one concept he's since developed in college. "I didn't really learn that in class, though. It was kind of an experiential hands-on learning thing."