The Lawrence Ross Show

04/11/2025

In 17 days, "The Blind Gym Rat" will be coming out.

Stream and Pre-save The Blind Gym Rat - Distributed by DistroKid

04/11/2025

Stream and Pre-save The Blind Gym Rat - Distributed by DistroKid

31/10/2025

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31/10/2025

A guy goes to a costume store and says, "I'm looking for a figleaf, I'm going as Adam." The clerk brings out a leaf, the guy goes, "Not big enough." this goes on for a while, until finally the clerk says "Look Ace, why don't you just throw it over your sholder and go as a gas pump?"

A guy is at a costume party stark naked except for a pair of rollerskates. The host asks, “What are you supposed to be?” The other guy says “A pull toy.”

A cab driver picks up a nun.

He looks in the rearview mirror and says, “You know. Sister, I’ve always fantasized about being with a nun.”

She says, “Yeah, you and everybody else. Are you Catholic?”

He says, “Yes, I am.”

She says, “Pull over.”

He pulls over, she gets in the front seat, and she gives him the best blow job he’s ever had.

When she gets done, he feels a little guilty, and he says to her, “Sister, I have to tell you something. I’m not really Catholic.”

She says, “Oh, yeah? Well, my name’s Ralph, and I’m on my way to a costume party.”

A married couple goes to a masquerade party dressed as a cow. He’s the front, she’s the back. The party gets a little boring, so they decide to stay in their costume and go for a walk.

As they’re going across a pasture, they hear, Snort! Snort!

The wife says, “Bobby! Bobby! There’s a bull over there and I think he’s gonna charge! What are we gonna do?”

The husband says, “Well, I’m gonna eat some grass … you better brace yourself.”

30/10/2025

The Lawrence Ross Show · Episode

30/10/2025

For those of you who ordered a Blind Lawrence, Designated Driver T-shirt, I uderstand that they haven't arrived yet, and that's because the site is currently having a high volume of traffic, so it'll take awhile before the orders are filled. Please be patient. Thank you.

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25/10/2025

A woman was enjoying a great game of golf with her girlfriends when she suddenly shouted,
“Oh no! Look at the time! I’ve got to rush home and make dinner — my husband will be furious if it’s not ready!”

She races home, opens the fridge... and finds:

one wilted lettuce leaf

a single egg

and one can of cat food.

No time to run to the store. So she cracks the egg into the cat food, mixes it up, plops the lettuce leaf on top, and serves it with a smile.

To her horror, her husband eats it.
And worse — he loves it!
“Darling,” he says, “this is the best meal you’ve made in 40 years of marriage! Can you make this every week?”

So every golf day, she did.

When she told her golf friends, they were horrified:
“You’re going to kill him!”
But two months later, her husband died.

At the clubhouse, one of the women asked,
“You killed him, didn’t you? We told you feeding him cat food would do him in!”

The wife calmly replied,
“I didn’t kill him… He fell off the windowsill while licking his butthole.” 😆😹

22/10/2025

Please Read:

"Badder than old King Kong, meaner than a junkyard dog."

What line is this from? One lucky winner will receive a "Blind Lawrence, Designated Driver" T-shirt. Please use the direct message feature to submit your response. The winner will be announced on October 31.

Good luck! Picture of the T-shirt artwork is included. I'm standing near a car with it's headlights on, and I'm holding a set of car keys.

17/10/2025

A man gets on a train with both front trouser pockets stuffed full of golf balls.
He sits down next to a beautiful blonde, who can’t help but glance repeatedly at the bulges in his pockets.
Noticing her repeated stares, he points to the bulges and says, “Golf balls.”
She pauses, thinks hard, then asks “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

15/10/2025

Today is national white cane safety day.
🦯
🧑‍🦯
👩‍🦯
👨‍🦯

15/10/2025

A lady went to her priest and said, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” asked the priest.

“They only say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?’”

“That’s terrible!” said the priest. “But I have a solution. Bring them to my house. I have two male parrots I’ve taught to pray with rosary beads and read the Bible. They’ll teach your parrots to worship.”

The next day, the woman brings her parrots. She puts them in the cage with the priest’s parrots, who are praying. Immediately, the female parrots squawk, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks at the other and says “Put the beads away… our prayers have been answered!”