Dimples & Adoption

23/01/2024

Hey all! Thanks to covid we are rescheduling our event for February 17th. We connected with guests already signed up but there are seats available if you’d like to grab a ticket.

Each ticket will include dinner and a drink. I can promise the drinks are excellent and my favorite bartender will be working. (Not biased at all) 😏

This event is open to EVERYONE. Adoption can impact many folks regardless if you are an adopted parent, adoptee, or birth parent.

Rachael and I will share many of our lived experiences and what we’ve learned over the years. We are going to cover reunification, relationships with biological and adoptive siblings, labeling biological family members, what to do when you’ve lost a sense of control, and so many important topics surrounding adoption.

Here is the sign-up link: https://dimplesandadoptionevent.rsvpify.com

06/12/2023

We are back at it! 👋🏼

02/11/2023

Registration is open! Limited seats available. Each ticket includes dinner & a free drink. Full bar service throughout the night. If you have any questions please send me a dm!

https://dimplesandadoptionevent.rsvpify.com

25/09/2023

We were so inspired this weekend that we wanted to continue creating opportunities for this community to get together. On January 27th, 2024 we are hosting our very first event. The intention for this event is to create a space for all members of the triad to learn and connect through shared experiences. We will have appetizers and dinner available in addition to a full service coffee & cocktail bar. Tickets will be limited due to available space. More details to come. 🤗

24/09/2023

We had an incredible evening at our first adoption event. 🥰

14/02/2021

Part I of II
Let’s talk doctor visits. I just had my first mammogram and as I was standing there answering the routine medical questions, I was asked “Have you had any pregnancies?” “Yes, four.”  “How old were you when you had your first child?” And there it was, the question that immediately brought me back to the day I delivered my first child and placed her for adoption. As I stared at her and replied “19” I couldn’t help but wonder if she knew. If somehow this stranger knew my past and the years of trauma it brought with it. I knew this was foolish thinking, but I was unable to control my thoughts.  

As I drove home from my appointment, I couldn’t help remembering the years of doctor visits I had after placing my daughter for adoption. I can’t speak for Hannah, as an adoptee, or for her adoptive parents but as a birth mother I was not prepared AT ALL for post placement doctor visits. Every physical, annual exam, emergency visit, and future pre and postnatal assessments - the digging into my past was unavoidable.  In that moment as I was driving along, I thought, why was there so much societal pressure to suppress something society was never going to let me forget?  

Choosing adoption does not have to be a shameful decision. In fact, as you grow you will find the more you suppress it the more you fuel your trauma. If you feel the need to silence your voice in order to protect yourself, then do so. However, do not hide behind the pressures of society. Allow yourself to practice the openness in adoption. It will free you!

My thoughts didn’t stop there...it was a long drive. Stick around for Part II

06/02/2021

We are back with season 2 of Dimples & Adoption!!

Check out our latest episode below 👇👇

https://dimples-adoption.sounder.fm/episode/ep20

Welcome back to season 2 of Dimples and Adoption. In this episode, we discuss different things we have learned since starting this podcast. 

15/01/2021

25 years ago I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl I ever laid eyes on. The love I felt that day was unexplainable. I am beyond grateful that I get to have Hannah in my life now, as she brings me and my family such joy. Her personality is infectious and her laugh is contagious. Thank you for your courage, openness and fight for bringing us all together in your adoption journey. 25 years ago was the best and worst day of my life. 25 years later my life couldn’t be more complete. Happy birthday !!

09/12/2020

As I look at this photo, I cannot help thinking to myself, “Will she always turn back”? As my relationship grows and flourishes with Hannah, I am finding with feelings of happiness also comes bouts of insecurities. I have now come to terms with the fact that fear of rejection goes hand and hand with adoption. It is not exclusive to it, but a staple. I cannot think of one entity from the adoption community that will not experience this fear. We talk “triad” often, but this goes beyond even them/us. Think about it… agencies, extended families, friends, and even acquaintances on social media have thoughts of being rejected on some level. So, the question is, how do we manage something that is inevitable in our relationships and with our loved ones.

I am not going to lie, I struggle with the fact that as a birth mom I am the origin of Hannah’s first ultimate rejection. I heard the phrase “ultimate rejection” from other adoptees, and I wanted to fight it so bad. I found myself defending my decision and being in complete denial about what I had done. I now know that it is not about shaming myself but rather accepting it as the way it is. My therapist once told me to stop making my anxiety disappear and learn to live with it. This was a game-changer for me. Once I accepted the anxiety, I stopped fighting it, and instead, focused more on learning strategies to cope with it.

I know it is important to not let my insecurities define my relationship with Hannah. We all have worked so hard to be where we are at that I don’t want to disrupt it. So, when my self-doubts rise to the surface and fear of rejection rears its ugly face, here are a few things that help me cope. I use my support system to talk through my thoughts and feelings. It may come as a surprise but one of those individuals is Hannah! Yes, I will just tell Hannah how I am feeling or what I am thinking. Other times I lean on close family and friends. I am also a huge advocate for therapy. A therapist can provide unbiased feedback you accept differently than individuals close to you. I have learned so much about myself through this self-reflection and communication with others.

I have insecurities. They are part of my life. So are happiness, love, and hope. I look forward to my relationship with Hannah growing stronger as I learn to live not in fear but rather in the moments she keeps turning back.

20/07/2020

When your child expresses big feelings, do you try to fix them or validate them? My initial response is to fix them. Turn the feelings into positive thoughts so my child doesn’t hurt or feel sadness. However, I’m not actually hearing my child when I try to fix it. For example, if my child comes to me and says “I hate myself, nobody loves me”. My typical response would be “oh honey, that’s not true” “So many people love you” I would proceed to list all the people that love him/her. Problem solved, right? No, because I didn’t validate her or his feelings at all. My child just left the conversation not being heard.

For adoptive parents, when your child says “why don’t I look like you” do you try to fix it or validate it? We tend to go down this road of reassuring children that we love them to help them feel better. Guest what...children already feel loved. They come to us with big feelings because we have created a safe and loving environment to do so. Instead of convincing them you love them even though they look different, validate it. Be honest and maybe say something like “honey you don’t look like us because you look like your biological family”. “Do you want to talk about that”? “How does it feel to not look like your other family members”? “What can we do to help address your feelings of not looking like me”?

Yes, families don’t have to match to provide unconditional love but children do need to talk about their origins.

18/07/2020

The deeper I dive into the adoption community, the more certain I become of two things. One, that everyone has their own unique, personal experience with adoption. Two, everyone’s passion for adoption reform is based on those unique, personal experiences.

For example, as a birthmom I was not witness to any coercion in making my decision to place my child for adoption. If anything, I received judgment for wanting to place rather than raise the child myself. My decision was based on experiences prior to getting pregnant. I was determined to stop the cycle of another child living through trauma and stressors.

So what’s my passion for reform based on my personal experiences...CHOICE. I want women to be provided with education on all choices when faced with an unwanted pregnancy. I want women to be allowed the independence to make their decisions based on what is best for them.

I am passionate about women not being coerced to parent.
I am passionate about women not being coerced to place.
I am passionate about women not being coerced to terminate or not to terminate.

My life experiences greatly influence my narrative in adoption... especially for birthmothers. I find it so incredibly important and imperative for women to make their own educated choice when faced with a decision that will effect them for life.


What’s your passion for reform?

10/07/2020

I enjoy alternative medicine. After I was mistreated for years going through my auto immune diagnosis I decided it was enough and I was going to go a different route. I started a holistic route and focused on my physical, mental, and emotional well being.

I think I really started acknowledging the physical trauma my adoption had on me during my first reiki session. We started talking about pregnancy and if I wanted children and she said when I have my first child, I will come full circle with my adoption. I remember I was trying so hard not to cry and once she said that I released something I had been holding onto.

I always knew I had a special connection to Rachael but there was something deeper going on. As a child I was obsessed with baby dolls and playing mom and the second I could, I started babysitting and nannying. I would take care of families of 3-4 kids and spend weeks with them while the parents traveled. I would get up in the middle of the night warming up breast milk and wake up exhausted getting ready to haul all the kids to sports the next morning. I would think about the connection I had with these kids and how I would do anything for them and in those moments I would connect with Rachel. I would think about how difficult that decision was for her and in my eyes, I knew she did it for me. I understood the challenges mothers faced, especially when they were doing it on their own. I think one of the greatest gifts the triad can give to each other is empathy and hold space for each other.

08/07/2020

As Hannah keeps posting and sharing her story I sit back and think “why have I stopped”? We are in this together yet I have struggled to contribute lately. So I sat with it today and dug deep for some answers. This is what I concluded....

As a birth mother I have been in survival mode for most my life. Surviving unimaginable grief, shame, negative attitudes and opinions of others, extremely low self esteem, years of self destructive behaviors and constant fear of rejection and loss. Now with our nation facing such uncertainties I feel myself going back into survival mode, but for different reasons.

It has taken hard work, dedication and time but I am happy to say I survived my adoption journey. Maybe my silence is just me sitting in that gratitude and soaking it all in.

07/07/2020

I want to talk about gratitude. I practice gratitude work every day. What does that look like? I journal or simply acknowledge things I am grateful for that day.
I tend to write down these things 👇

I am grateful for my ability. That I can run, cook, travel, and play.

I am grateful for my job and stability.

I am grateful for my education so I can have the skills to think critically, process, and evaluate information.

I am grateful for parents who can afford healthcare as they get older.

I am grateful that I can afford to see a therapist consistently.

I am grateful I have family in my life that looks like me.

I am grateful I get to watch my little siblings grow up.

The problem for me when it comes to gratitude and my adoption is the fact that I had no control over any of it. This is my life, my reality. I get to choose what I am grateful for- you don't get to tell me that. When adoptees express pain and trauma (in my experience) it makes people uncomfortable. They don't know what to do with it and they want to fix it and make it better. It is not fair to ONLY acknowledge the positive things correlated with adoption and ignore the negative. They exist together and they exist differently in every persons life. When we talk about all the feelings we bring vulnerability to the table. When we are vulnerable we learn acceptance, honesty, empathy, and compassion.

01/07/2020

There are about 1000 things I love about this video. This past weekend I visited Rachael with her sister, Gretchen and it was one for the books. We had all of the siblings together and spent the entire time hanging outside & of course bonding. Shortly after this video I was having competitions down the slip n slide with Hunter and looked up to see Rachael crying/laughing. In that moment I knew exactly what made her so emotional, seeing us all together loving life. We talked about how our path through open adoption brought us to THIS moment, a moment I will cherish forever 💛

22/06/2020

Because of you I know unconditional love

Because of you I know empathy

Because of you I know independence

Because of you I know forgiveness

Because of you I know openness

Happy Father’s Day to one of my greatest role models and supporters. Love you Dad❤️