Hey Mama Kels

12/12/2023

Postpartum depression/anxiety is the wildest rollercoaster ride. This is my 5th baby and just when I feel ahead of it, I get humbled right quick. 🙈

If you’re here on my page, please know that I don’t just post cute pictures of my kids and share tidbits here and there. I talk about the hard stuff sometimes to hopefully help someone else.

I’ve been sharing my postpartum psychosis story very openly to serve other women since 2015. One video we created was viewed by over 4 million people in 2020. That opened the door for me to write for Love What Matters (a platform with several million subscribers). What stands out the most is having strangers in my inbox sharing their struggles with me. It gave me purpose.

December is always a bittersweet month for me.

12/24/10 was the day I wrote my goodbye letter.

12/26/10 was the day I planned to finally end the silent battle I had been fighting for the first eight months of my firstborn son’s life.

God had other plans and my husband intervened which ultimately saved my life. I owe him everything.

I’m now a Mom to 5 incredible children. The oldest 3 know my story well. We’ve had tough conversations that I can only hope will make them aware when it’s their time to become a parent.

Postpartum mental health was once so taboo, but because women are bravely sharing their stories too, less women are having to feel alone in a silent battle.

Although I am now my own biggest advocate and know how to speak up for myself, going through postpartum junk isn’t any easier. The difference now is that I know how to use my voice.

This is your sign to check on your postpartum mom friends. Don’t just ask how’s she’s doing — ask, “How are you doing, REALLY?” 🫶🏼🫶🏼

{Check the comments below for my full article}

06/12/2023

The best success stories are made after the biggest battles. I swear, a healed woman with a strong mind can conquer anything. 🤌🏼🤌🏼

09/11/2023

Why should you affiliate yourself with a brand that’s affordable and necessary? 🤔 Because friends, there are people who don’t know how they’re going to do Christmas for their kids. There are people who are trying to stretch a check a full 2 weeks and it just ain’t happening. There are tons of cool things out there, but long-term repeat shoppers come from prioritizing NEED over want because that’s the economy we are living in today. People want to stretch their dollar as far and wide as possible without sacrificing quality.

This is why the shop club aligns. 📦🌿

The best part is that if you shop, you can also refer people there and the company thanks you in a REALLY generous way. This is literally how I’m able to be a “yes” mom of 5 and never have to sacrifice. This has been the greatest blessing and something I’ve taken for granted too many times. 🥹🫶🏼 It’s time to share it more with y’all.

27/09/2023

Parenting is buying 6 yogurts and watching them all get eaten in one day.
Then buying 12 yogurts and watching them expire because, “Nobody likes yogurt.” 🫠

16/09/2023

It’s time for a giveaway & you’re going to love it! Drop the word “live” below to be notified first!! 📣✨😍

15/09/2023

Unfiltered, real, and totally raw motherhood moment:

20 year old brand new mom Kelsi let her baby cry it out and fought the urge to comfort in order to teach him how to self-soothe.

The 34 year old mom to five me doesn’t have the heart for it. I can’t emotionally stomach listening to my sweet girl cry. 🥺🥺

Last night, I had to strap her in her swing and walk away for a moment because no matter what I did, I couldn’t make her feel better.

For the next few hours, I held her and nothing that needed accomplished got done. Not a dang thing.

All of that to say — some days motherhood means reminding yourself that the tough moments won’t last forever.

It also means a the dishes aren’t going to get washed and the laundry won’t get folded.

It means you’re serving cereal for dinner because you only have one free hand and it’s all you’ve got in you.

Some nights, you’re living on a prayer until bedtime.

It’s okay to put your baby down in a safe spot and give yourself a mental break.

It’s okay if the dishes sit longer and you don’t take care of the laundry.

Your kids are going to survive if they have to eat Cheerios at 9 PM on a school night.

You’re still a good mom as long as you get up and show up for your kids every day. 🤟🏼

09/09/2023

What do YOU want to see on this page?!

Mom hacks, makeup videos, outfits, finds that every Mama needs?! 🤔👇🏼💗

06/09/2023

Who struggles with mom guilt? ✋🏼✋🏼

02/09/2023

Hey y’all, I’m Madi-Kay and I’m only not crying if my Mama’s holding me. She doesn’t mind though because clearly baby snuggles are the best. 🥰

Have a Happy Labor Day weekend!

31/08/2023

GUILTY 💯🙈 What about you?!

22/08/2023

Hey Mama, just do what you can right now 🫶🏼✨

20/05/2023

For all my current & soon-to-be postpartum mamas 🫶🏼

03/05/2023

Me with my baby on my lap after I told everyone I wasn't having anymore kids! 🤡😂

*post credit*

24/04/2023

🔆 Things you can control:
1. Your beliefs
2. Your attitude
3. Your thoughts
4. Your perspective
5. How honest you are
6. Who your friends are
7. What books you read
8. How much you exercise
9. The type of food you eat
10. How many risks you take
11. How kind you are to others
12. How kind you are to yourself
13. How you interpret situations
14. How often you say "I love you"
15. How often you say "thank you"
16. How you express your feelings
17. Whether or not you ask for help
18. How often you practice gratitude
19. How many times you smile today
20. The amount of effort you put forth
21. How you spend/invest your money
22. How much time you spend worrying
23. How often you think about your past
24. Whether or not you judge other people
25. Whether or not you try again after a setback
26. How much you appreciate the things you have

17/04/2023

Hiya, my Worthy Mama Friends! 👋🏼 I’ve spent the better part of the last 18 months praying about what direction I was supposed to take with the small amount of positive influence I’ve gained through the last 5+ years sharing my story and leading. Please stick with me til’ the end…

One thing that I’m REALLY good at is running from things that make me uncomfortable because I’ve dealt with major “Imposter Syndrome” for most of my life — that thought that I’m not enough or not worthy. I wanted to try all these different avenues and a still, small voice kept saying, ”Stop trying to be who you’re not, Kels.” I felt like I was trudging through the mud towards all the wrong things every single day while this nagging feeling kept yanking at my heartstring… ❤️‍🩹

I learned that I’m not a beauty influencer.
I’m not a fitness or Instagram model.
I’m not a business coach or a guru.
I’m not a TikTok star and I definitely can’t dance.
I don’t have the perfect home or flawless photos.

“𝑌𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑣𝑜𝑖𝑐𝑒 𝑖𝑠 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑔𝑖𝑓𝑡 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑠𝑜 𝑖𝑠 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑠𝑡𝑜𝑟𝑦…”

What I DO have and what I AM is a woman who has faced and survived Postpartum Psychosis, on the brink it taking everything from me, and was able to overcome it all by God’s grace. This sparked a deep desire to help other women find their worth as a mother around 2015 when I finally openly talked about what I had been through and continued to feel shame from. So many of us struggle with that, don’t we?

There’s sooo much in between it all, but there’s the basics. So what the heck am I supposed to do next? I think I’ve cried more in the shower over the last several months than I’m willing to admit. Creating a business and a brand around a story and a dream is complicated… overwhelming. I want to serve YOU bigger and better. I want to reach further and higher.

So here’s the exciting news 🥳 I’m now working with one of the best female Christian business coaches in the industry to develop this little mustard seed of an idea to help postpartum women and Mamas of all kinds in a bigger way. When I close my eyes, I can see myself signing books and journals I’ve authored and speaking on stages in front of crowds of women at conferences *gulp* 🫣 That’s a scary thing to say to strangers on the internet!

All I ask is that you stick with me on this journey. This is a challenge, a risk, and all the things that scare me, but I feel God has been calling me towards for years.

Love ya friends,
-Kels

30/03/2023

𝑳𝒐𝒓𝒅, 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒂 𝒅𝒐𝒐𝒓 𝒄𝒍𝒐𝒔𝒆𝒅 🚪👋🏼 My interview with Rolling Stone will never go to print and although it hurt, I’m so grateful. {keep reading to find out why}…

Many times in life we pray for doors of opportunity to be opened to us, but we forget to praise Him when a disappointment turns into divine protection.

Speaking on the topic of postpartum psychosis and sharing the intimate details of my inner thoughts during a time when I planned to take my own life due to mental suffering is more difficult than people know. The stigma is still very present — people who are ignorant to this type of thing and who want use trauma negatively for monetary gain could take a story like mine and manipulate it.

I’m thankful for the integrity of the writer who interviewed me for protecting me from the editor who wanted to take my words and twist them for notoriety. This would’ve taken the effort to raise awareness back so many steps. It would have silenced women and more of us might continue to suffer in silence for fear of judgement.

My time will come and my own words will be published to serve women in an incredible way. I’m trusting the process and the one who has allowed me to turn my mess into my message! 🤎☝🏼

29/03/2023

𝑩𝒊𝒈 𝑵𝒆𝒘𝒔 • I get messages weekly from people who are concerned about a friend or family member who is currently in the thick of struggling with postpartum depression. I’m not a therapist or a mental health professional and sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough to help despite my wholehearted attempt.

I found an organization called Postpartum Support International and reached out to them to see what I could do to help more moms. I got to share my postpartum psychosis story with them and an opportunity opened up for me to do volunteer work as a coordinator. Once my training is complete, I will be able to better serve women on a higher level than I am now. I’m also hoping to serve as a ”maternal mental health influencer” for them to help get the word out about this wonderful organization. I wish I had known about them back when I was suffering from PPD before it got so out of control.

For those of you who have reached out to me for help or resources — I finally have a solid connection! 🙌🏼 Taking steps to living in my purpose is so rewarding.

28/03/2023

𝑺𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 preggo 𝑴𝒂𝒎𝒂 𝒇𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒔!

We took our 4 kids to Disney last week and I was 23 weeks pregnant. If you’re planning a trip of any kind that requires a lot physically, here are some things that helped me that might help you too!

🔅 Comfortable, quality leggings or shorts! I got mine from Amazon and even in the Florida heat they didn’t feel restricting. I love the fully tummy coverage.
🔅 A good electrolyte drink and a reusable water bottle. I love my Stanley cup because it kept water cold in the heat and fit perfectly in our stroller cup holder too. You can find something cheaper that works just as well at TJ Maxx!
🔅 Belly support tape or a belly band (if you struggling with low back pain or pelvic pain). I used FridaBaby pain + strain relief tape. You could probably use kinesiology tape too.
🔅 A F***y pack (hear me out 😋). It was literally the most convenient thing ever to stick my phone in and other small essentials. I wore mine cross body. I found a simple black one at Walmart for $12!
🔅 This one’s free, but can be hard — GRACE — show yourself some grace. You’re growing a whole human being and your body is putting in WORK to sustain you both (or three if you’re carrying multiples). I had full blown cankles by the end of the week, but I allowed myself to rest and didn’t push my body over the edge. At first I beat myself up for slowing down my pack, but they loved me through it and we made some seriously great memories together! 🙌🏼

15/03/2023

Here’s a Wednesday laugh for all my favorite Mama friends at my expense for ya...

I read that if I jump out of bed in the morning after doing affirmations and immediately move my body, I’ll have a burst of energy in the early AM! Sounds legit, right?

So today, I jumped out of bed and said in my head, “I’m ALIVE, thank you Lord!” and realized I simultaneously peed my pants a little 🥲🤣💀 I’m guessing this was a test of my gratefulness or maybe it’s the fact that I’ve had four babies use my bladder as a trampoline in the past (currently a baby girl doing the same thing), but daaaang Wednesday.

11/03/2023

A couple years ago I was on an unstoppable mission. My TikTok account geared towards Mamas exploded to 50,000 followers almost overnight. I was doing some freelance writing and wanted to start sharing my postpartum story + life lessons learned thereafter on stages to help Moms just like me. Then, a girl on YouTube made a video featuring yours truly and my entire world crumbled. She broke my spirit and made my mission come to a screeching halt 🛑

The comeback is ALWAYS greater than the setback. I’m aligned and the doors are opening. I hope to read this again in a few years and all the things I want to achieve for mothers all over will have come to fruition.

My vision is crystal freakin’ clear.
I refuse to give up...

31/01/2023

Postpartum depression | Postpartum Anxiety
Because of Lindsay Clancy making national headlines for her battle with postpartum mental health issues, I’m sharing my story for you to share so it reaches the right person.

— 𝐇𝐞𝐫𝐞`𝐬 𝐦𝐲 𝐒𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲:
Warning ⚠️ *possible trigger*
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𝐃𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝟐𝟔𝐭𝐡, 𝟐𝟎𝟏𝟎 was supposed to be my last day alive. Every time this date comes around, it is always a reminder of how quickly a life can be saved or taken. This picture is of my oldest son, Brody at about 8 months old — It was one of the last days I remember actually being able to "feel" anything, but I still remember thinking, "I'm not a good enough Mother. Brody deserves someone better than me. I'm failing him." The hallucinations and delusions made it hard to decipher what was real and what wasn’t.

I started to completely lose myself and it had nothing to do with me feeling sorry for myself — I was just battling a demon I knew nothing about.

I stopped functioning, couldn’t/didn’t sleep, heard voices and saw things that weren’t there which ultimately led me to plan to take my life. Postpartum psychosis was poisoning my mind and body. I remember writing a goodbye letter and it’s all a big blur after that. I do have some memories of getting to the hospital — later being admitted to the psych ward.

I’ll never forget having the underwire cut out of my bra and sitting alone in a paper sack like hospital gown as reality hit hard.

I’ll never forget begging for a bobby pin to pin back my bangs or even a hand held mirror. Who knew you could use a bobby pin or a compact mirror as a way to hurt yourself?

Because of my husband, I’m still here.

I was hospitalized for about a week and sent home with a huge appreciation for life as a whole. I could think clearly again and began enjoying the small things. It’s important to note that I had no issues with mental health before PPD. The biggest adjustment was learning to live in the moment. I hadn't functioned well for so long that it was hard for me to deal with all the emotions flowing at once, but Brandon was there the entire time to help me navigate through everything ♥️

It used to be embarrassing for me to share my story. It STILL makes me cry and honestly, I know some people might not have nice things to say about me after reading this, but I don’t care. Someone needs to read this & realize this l...

𝚒𝚝’𝚜 𝚘𝚔𝚊𝚢 𝚝𝚘 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚋𝚎 𝚘𝚔𝚊𝚢,
𝚒𝚝’𝚜 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚘𝚔𝚊𝚢 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚢.

I get messages all the time from women struggling like I did. So, if this makes you uncomfortable, I'm not sorry... someone needs to know they're going to make it through the darkness!! You can still have a wonderful life full of success even if you've been through ugly things in. You're not defined by your past! Be brave and tell your own story to help someone else 🖤

12/01/2023

Perspective: Instead of stressing over the world’s current state, trust in the end game. God is still a Waymaker.

&& I cannot say this enough:

✰ Stop scrolling • Start praying more

✰ Stop fighting people on social media •
Start loving people where they’re at.

✰ Stop hating & shoving opinions down people’s throats • START ADDING POSITIVE VALUE on social media

Now would be a better time than ever to ask: 𝐖𝐖𝐉𝐃 (I just aged myself, but FR). Some of y’all are showing up to church on Sundays and picking people apart on social media Monday-Saturday. Your kids are listening. I hope to use this platform to create peace, positivity, and to be a light 💡

♡ Love,
Kels

11/01/2023

Coming around the corner to this 🥺🙏🏼

Someday, they’ll all be grown with their own kids and we’re going to need a way bigger table!

05/01/2023

This is why we MUST keep the conversation going. This is why I share my story, even though it makes me want to cry and hide. There’s a Mom out there who needs to hear that it’s okay feel this way, but not okay to avoid getting help or speaking up. 💯♥️

03/01/2023

Hey Mama, you’re going to 𝒎𝒊𝒔𝒔 this.

You’re going to miss her little squeaky voice.

You’re going to miss her perched on your shoulder like a tiny parrot watching every stroke of mascara you put on your lashes.

She tells you you’re beautiful and she 𝒎𝒆𝒂𝒏𝒔 it.

Pause just to look into her eyes and tell yourself to remember these moment because once they’re gone, they are 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐠𝐨𝐧𝐞.

Time is fleeting, Mama. Soon she’ll shed her littleness and become a butterfly 🐛✨🦋

29/12/2022

I just realized I posted this on my personal page, but not here — Baby Ullom #5 debuting in 2023!

I never in my life thought I’d make this announcement because we didn’t think we could have anymore kids (I’ll spare you the details) 😳 If you didn’t follow our family during our , we had a hard time conceiving our last baby and I suffered several miscarriages before he came along. When I found out this time I honestly expected to miscarry because of past issues and didn’t want to tell anyone. I also couldn’t wrap my head around all of it for a while either.

Our kids are SUPER pumped and we’re grateful to have the opportunity to love another child. I’m even more grateful because, by grace of God, I’ve never felt that this normal while pregnant 🥹 I typically have a really tough first few weeks and as I come to the end of the first trimester this time, I’ve haven’t dealt with a lot of morning sickness or any other hard symptoms except for exhaustion.

I’m excited to share pregnancy survival tips, mom hacks, big family content, and my postpartum journey here to help you all!

17/12/2022

Holiday Mom Hack: Start buying one $25 gift card each month of the year and build a stock pile for Christmas! 🎅🏼💸

09/12/2022

This also goes for showing up as your truest, most authentic mom-self. You are not her. You are YOU and that’s good enough! 😘 -Kels

07/12/2022

Pregnancy & Postpartum are the most vulnerable times in a woman’s life. She’ll always remember who showed up and checked in. Be that person for someone 🤍

14/11/2022

If anyone wants to know what marriage is about — It’s one of you going behind the other one’s back to mess with the thermostat in secret, then relentlessly denying it until someone caves & says they turned it up a degree in the middle of the night.

Also, “they” is me.… 🤪😳

09/11/2022

Hi, I’m a Mom of 4 and this is my momfession of the day:
My “save for later” Amazon Cart is up to about $1.5 mill and I’m always waiting for the good deals, so I never pull the trigger. 😅😩 Ok, not that high, but IYKYK.

08/11/2022

Tell me I’m not the only one that’s living this, “race to the next thing” kinda life. Where you’re running from one activity to another until from the time school ends til you crash in bed to do it all over again the next day and the next…

And one day you wake up and the pitter patter sounds of precious feet and infectious giggles change to groaning and bickering. Where you’re shouting commands over everyone just to be heard.

“Brush your teeth, please!”
“Did you charge your school iPad?!”
“Tie your shoes, we’re gonna be late!!”

There’s this odd season of life in between raising tiny humans who are fully dependent on you to having kids who still need you, but are starting the process of wanting more independence.

I’m guilty of being too busy thinking of what I need to do next or where I need to take them or are they going to turn out okay to fully BE PRESENT in these types of moments.

The “Mom, will you paint with us?” kinda moments.

There’s a mountain of laundry, vacuuming that needs done, and surely a surface that needs cleaned, but this right here won’t last long. All of that can wait.

Get in there with them before they stop asking, ok?

Love,
A mom who is learning to do the same 🤟🏼

07/11/2022

This 💯

05/11/2022

It's hard to buy your husband something for Christmas when he got everything when he married you.

01/11/2022

You absolutely have to become ok with not being liked. No matter how loving or kind you are, you will never people please your way into collective acceptance (read that part again if necessary). This also applies to motherhood.

You could be a whole ray of freakin sunshine and other moms may choose to hate you because they’re used to rain. I need you to be okay with shining regardless. ✨✨

One of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned in the past year is to keep being Kelsi because there’s good to give the world from this heart despite any hesitation. 🤟🏼

24/10/2022

Full disclosure: My walk with the Lord got really quiet and almost became non-existent… I had a hard time walking through church doors and praying without bitter tears.

That’s hard to admit, but it’s the honest truth. The past 12 months has been one painful life lesson after another, including the loss of someone who made a massive impact on my life from childhood to motherhood. 🥺💔

I lost myself and sought desperately to get back to the woman I was before except the bridge back to her had crumbled and I can now praise Him for that!

Where am I going with this?

There really are so many lessons in the midst of losses and maybe instead of leaning on your own understanding you should release it into the hands of the creator Himself.

It was God who laid the vision on my heart back in 2019 to share my postpartum story and be a light in the darkness by showing up for other moms in a positive way on social media.

I ran in the opposite direction so many times because it felt uncomfortable. Being judged can be brutal and it’s so much easier to stay quiet.

I didn’t survive what I did to stay quiet!
So, if you’re here, I believe it’s for a reason…

John 1:5 🤟🏼

24/10/2022

2022, please slow down. We’re still processing 2020.

09/11/2021

Take a minute 🤟🏼♥️

Postpartum Depression.
Let’s talk about it real quick....
Now, this might make you uncomfortable, but it needs to be told because some Mama out there is suffering in silence. 💯 Buckle Up.

I survived Postpartum Psychosis which is essentially a big ugly leap past PPD & almost always an emergency situation. I was diagnosed AFTER I planned my attempt on Dec. 26th, when my son was only 8 months old. I spent months trying to hide my irrational fears, sleeplessness, paranoia, and lack of coping. That spiraled into audible and visual hallucinations, delusions, and regular nightmares. I’ll never forget the moment I fully believed that if I didn’t take my own life, my son would die. I thought my baby deserved a functioning Mother. He deserved someone who was better than me, could do more than me, who could LOVE him more than me. The suffering was REAL. I still feel physically ill every single time I think about how bad it truly was. And like I’ve said a million times before, my husband is the only reason I’m still alive. He’s the reason I was treated and properly diagnosed! But, how did I get to that point? Because I wouldn’t speak up for myself out of fear that I would end up being deemed an unfit Mom. I was also embarrassed because I had never faced darkness like this before & I didn’t know how to handle it at all.

Here’s the thing: Even after everything I went through after Brody (my oldest) was born, I still struggled after I had my 4th, Axton. I figured since I was soooo on top of it and learned to advocate for myself that things would be fine... that was until I gave birth to another preemie. I slipped into a super dark place after Ax was born and just like before, I hid it really well — until I just couldn’t anymore 💔 Having a NICU baby leaves you with an intense feeling of hopelessness. Your body feels broken right along with your heart! I healed from a c-section and dried up my milk at the same time... I also ended up getting extremely ill right after delivery, running high fevers and coughing so hard that my incision opened. I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t cry every single day for months after his birth. Then I realized, I need help. I didn’t reach out for help after Brody was born, I tucked it away as well as I could and moved forward. That’s the issue with PPD, you can’t always tuck it away and move forward. Sometimes you have to say “🏳️ SEND HELP 🏳️ I’m struggling!” There were days after Ax was born where I would sit in the same chair for HOURS just rocking him and crying. I didn’t want to put him down — it took me 2.5 years and 3 losses to even get this precious gift. How could I put him down?! I still have a hard time occasionally, but I feel like “me” again.

✨Sisters: Send encouragement, love, uplifting words and remind other women that this job is HARD, but to try not to be so hard on themselves ♥️ We have to have each other’s backs! I fully believe that if someone would have noticed how terribly I was doing mentally, I would’ve been able to open up and let it out. And it doesn’t matter how prepared you think you are, you can always use a buddy to check in on you. Find someone you trust, even if it’s a random person on social media like me. I’ll love you through it because I’ve been there.

Read more about my story here 👇🏼

https://www.lovewhatmatters.com/why-did-you-even-have-this-child-kelsi-youre-failing-him-i-heard-voices-tell-me-to-plan-my-death-or-my-baby-would-die-postpartum-psychosis-ppd-depression-suicidal-thoughts-healing/?fbclid=IwAR1aYHq9l1yksYZzs8txhhajrL3U94eZ5jOFePvNSg5jXgV959yoahkVpyM

18/08/2021

BOOOM I LOVE THIS 🔥💃🏼

13/08/2021

A graphic look into my battle with Postpartum Psychosis after my first child’s birth → How I’ve used my second chance at life to educate and raise awareness surrounding postpartum mental health!!! 🗣

Every share = a bigger impact to create change! 🤍

"I'd close my eyes and see myself holding my son's lifeless body. I couldn’t get that image out of my head or decipher whether it was real or not. I wanted him to have a life full of love and fulfillment, and realized my only escape was to end my life. Stained with tears and folded neatly into my ...