Ziggy Dreamborn

12/15/2024

🎅❄️ Hold onto your sleighs, people! ❄️🎅

Ziggy Dreamborn’s bringing the bass this holiday season with “Claus and Effect”, the dubstep album you never knew you needed but can’t live without. Think glowing LED Santa, thundering beats, and enough wubs to shake the ornaments off your tree.

🎧 Highlights include:
🔊 Sleigh bells reimagined as bass drops
🌟 Tinsel-tangled synths
🔥 Beats so cold they’ll make your cocoa shiver

Perfect for:
✔️ Holiday parties (with or without eggnog)
✔️ Pi***ng off your neighbors (sorry, Karen)
✔️ Turning your silent night into a LOUD one

Streaming and available for download [insert release date].
🎄 Let’s jingle all the way... to the dance floor. 🎄

🎵 Tracklist:

1: Deck the Halls
2: Silent Night
3: What Child is This
4: Go Tell it on the Mountain
5: Away in a Manger
6: Jingle Bells
7: Hark the Herald Angels Sing
8: Up on the Housetop
9: O Little Town of Bethlehem
10: Joy to the World
Turn up the volume and unwrap the beats—Santa’s dropping nothing but fire this year. 🎧🔥

Preview here:

Stream and Save Claus and Effect - Distributed by DistroKid

12/12/2024

Fair warning. The pictures here can (and SHOULD) be disturbing for people. Very disturbing. The rant, however, isn’t graphic… just brutally honest. Let’s begin.

Distracted driving isn’t just a bad habit—it’s a billboard announcing to the world, “I am reckless, selfish, and too immature to handle adult responsibilities.” Every time you pick up your phone while driving, you’re putting your convenience above the safety and lives of everyone around you. That’s not just thoughtless; it’s borderline criminal.

Let’s break it down: you’re not driving a bumper car or playing a video game. You’re piloting a multi-thousand-pound machine that’s capable of turning a life into a statistic in a fraction of a second. Yet somehow, checking a TikTok or responding to “k” is worth gambling with someone’s future? If your urge to scroll outweighs your ability to drive responsibly, maybe you should trade your license for a bus pass.

Here’s the harsh reality: distracted drivers aren’t just “making a mistake”—they’re actively choosing to risk lives. That’s not just immature; it’s unbelievably arrogant. What makes you so special that you think your Instagram post is worth more than a parent seeing their kids tonight? Or that your text about what to eat for lunch justifies cutting short someone else’s future? It’s staggering how anyone can be so casual about something so deadly.

But no, you think you’ve got it under control. You think, “I’m only looking for a second.” Except here’s the thing: a second is all it takes. A second to miss the car braking ahead of you. A second to not see the pedestrian crossing the street. A second to ruin a family’s life forever. That “one second” excuse doesn’t hold up when you’re standing in a courtroom trying to explain why you didn’t think someone else’s life was worth your full attention.

And let’s not ignore the hypocrisy here. If someone else’s distracted driving put your loved ones at risk, you’d be furious. You’d be demanding justice, railing against the idiot who couldn’t put their phone down for five minutes. But when it’s you doing it? Suddenly it’s no big deal. Newsflash: it’s a big deal. Every time.

Let’s talk about the excuses people love to make. “I’m just changing the song.” Cool, hope your playlist is worth a lifetime of guilt. “I’m just checking the GPS.” Oh, because knowing which exit to take is more important than noticing the kid on the bike crossing in front of you. “I’m good at multitasking.” No, you’re not. No one is. Studies have proven that distracted driving impairs you as much as drunk driving—so congratulations, you’re just as dangerous as the person who thinks three margaritas and a quick drive home are a good combo.

If you’re texting and driving, you’re not just irresponsible; you’re showing complete disregard for humanity. You’re saying that your life, your time, and your phone are worth more than the strangers who trust you to share the road safely. It’s disgusting.

And let’s not pretend it’s unavoidable. We’ve had “Do Not Disturb While Driving” features for years now. Cars have Bluetooth. There are countless ways to stay connected without endangering everyone else. If you can’t figure out how to use those tools, then maybe driving isn’t for you. It’s not a right; it’s a privilege—and one you don’t deserve if you can’t take it seriously.

So here’s the deal: if you’re the type who can’t resist looking at your phone while driving, park the car, turn in your license, and consider the consequences of your actions. Because every time you choose to text behind the wheel, you’re rolling the dice with other people’s lives—and no emoji, no text, no notification is worth that gamble. Ever.

And here’s the thing that should haunt you: a “sorry” emoji isn’t going to bring back that 4-year-old who just ran across the street chasing their escaped puppy. Kids don’t have the maturity to look both ways or understand the danger; they’re not supposed to. But you, as the driver of a multi-ton death machine, are. That’s your job. It’s the bare minimum responsibility that comes with being behind the wheel. Yet if you’re texting and driving, you’re failing that responsibility in the worst way possible.

What’s worse is how avoidable all of this is. We live in a world where every car has cup holders, GPS, and cruise control—yet somehow, basic attention to the road is too much to ask? You’ve got one job: get yourself and everyone around you from Point A to Point B alive. That’s it. Not safely navigating your phone or composing the perfect text.

And don’t think for a second that you’re the exception to the rule. The reality is this: distracted drivers don’t just ruin lives—they ruin their own, too. Maybe you won’t crash today or tomorrow, but keep it up, and you’ll eventually meet your reckoning. You might think you’re invincible, but here’s a wake-up call: the next text you send behind the wheel could be the last one you ever send as a free person. The next call you make to your mom might just start with, “This is a collect call from the state penitentiary.”

Still think your phone is worth it? Maybe it’s time to put it down before you find out firsthand just how wrong you are.

11/30/2024

A Thoughtful Reminder for the Holidays

Parents, guardians, and anyone playing Santa—this is something worth thinking about. Stick with me for a moment because it could make a big difference for a lot of kids.

When it comes to Christmas gifts, remember: Santa is supposed to be for all kids. He’s the magical figure who brings joy to children everywhere, regardless of their family’s financial situation. But when Santa gives one kid a PlayStation, an iPad, and a bike, and another kid gets socks and a book, what message does that send?

Here’s why this matters: young children don’t understand financial inequality. They don’t know that some parents can afford extravagant gifts while others are just scraping by. To them, Santa is all-powerful, all-knowing, and completely fair. So when one kid gets thousands of dollars in gifts from Santa, and another gets something small and inexpensive, it doesn’t just hurt—it confuses them. It makes them wonder why they weren’t good enough. Why they weren’t as deserving in Santa’s eyes.

And this confusion doesn’t stay with them—it seeps into their friendships and their self-worth. A child who feels “less-than” because of Santa’s supposed favoritism might carry that feeling into school, into their interactions with friends, and even into their own holiday memories.

Now, let’s be clear: this isn’t about telling you how much you should spend on your kids. If you want to give them the moon and can afford to do so, go for it. Spoil them silly if that’s what makes you happy. But here’s the simple, impactful change: make the big, expensive gifts come from you, not Santa. Let Santa bring something modest—a small toy, a book, or something thoughtful.

This simple adjustment levels the playing field for kids. It gives parents who can’t spend as much a way to preserve the magic of Santa for their own children. It creates a narrative that’s fair and magical for everyone: Santa doesn’t discriminate. Parents, with all their love and hard work, are the ones who give the truly big gifts.

Kids can understand the idea that some families have more money than others. That’s a lesson you can teach when they’re ready. But what’s much harder to explain is why Santa would think one kid is worth more than another.

If this makes sense to you, consider sharing it. You never know who might see it and rethink how they approach gift-giving this year. A little thoughtfulness can make a world of difference in how some kids see themselves—and the holidays.

Your friend,
Ziggy

11/30/2024

My Roomba staged a rebellion and trapped me in the kitchen.

10/29/2024

Did you know that you don’t really need a parachute to go skydiving? You only need a parachute if you wanna go skydiving..... twice.

10/28/2024

What’s wrong with this picture? No wonder our town is so fu**ed up.

10/26/2024

Celebrating my 13th year on Facebook. Thank you for your continuing support. I could never have made it without you. 🙏🤗🎉

10/18/2024

LGBTQ+++++++ (and so on)
Are you fu***ng kidding me with this s**t? Now, before you decide to get all butthurt over my little rant, read the whole thing and listen to my reasoning for it. Or not... If you'd rather just believe that anything said about the community that isn't putting them on a pedestal is hate speech, then just block me if it bugs you so much. Ask me if I care. Just like everyone else, I have the right to an opinion. Nothing I say here is a fact (probably). But it IS what I believe.
OK, so the whole gay thing is not an issue with me. But what bugs me is the list of "options", we'll call them, that grows on what seems like a daily basis. Allow me to explain why the ever-growing list gets to me.
Remember when it was just the gay community? I mean, that covers a pretty broad spectrum of people, right? Adding bis*xual to it adds just about all of the rest, as far as I'm concerned, other than those simply not interested in any s*xual interaction whatsoever, or those who believe they can reproduce by themselves. You know, like how a lot of plants do?
The rest is technicalities for the most part. Given, I guess, there are a few that don't fall into either of those categories, but seriously.... is there really a need to have a word for every single thing? If that's the case, we should add words for people who only like missionary style, doggy style, 69, and so on... right? I want a word! I like to have s*x while I have a smoke. Where the f**k is MY word? I also like to have the TV on. Where's the word for that? I kick the animals off the bed when it's time to get frisky with my wife. Can't we call that something? It's a preference, isn't it? Or is this where it becomes a technicality? If so, then I argue that a LOT of the things on these large lists are technicalities. The reason why these monstrous lists (yes lists... as in plural, since no 2 websites seem to be able to agree on what's a thing and what's not) bug the living f**k out of me is the fact that it allows for everyone who decides they don't wanna be classified as normal (which is actually one of the preferences on a VAST majority of these lists, and is called just that... normal, rather than heteros*xual) can join the LGBTQ+++++++ community. A LOT of those people simply want a word for whatever it is they do so they can join that community and be able to do the parades and try to get everyone else in the world to bow down to them.
Now, this seems like I have something against gay people and the like. I don't. It's not my thing, by any means, but hey, do you. Hey... is there a word for someone who only like to do themself? Beatos*xuals. There. Add that to the list. Since we're adding a word for everything else, let's chuck that one up there while we're at it.
OK, so let's move on. This is a list of what I have found after looking at a couple of different sites. Buckle up... it's a LOOOOOOONG ride.

Androgynous - Term used to describe an individual whose gender expression and/or identity may be neither distinctly “female” nor “male,” usually based on appearance.

As*xual: A person who generally does not experience s*xual attraction (or very little) to any group of people. May still have romantic, emotional, affectionate, or relational attractions towards others.

Binary Gender: A sociological construct or "traditional" view of gender limited to "man" and "woman" defined by a collection of characteristics that are culturally associated with male-ness (masculinity) or female-ness (femininity).

Binary S*x: A sociological construct or "traditional" view of s*x limited to "male" and "female".

Bis*xual: A person who experiences s*xual, romantic, and/or physical attraction to people of their own biological s*x, as well as another (ANOTHER, not THE other?) biological s*x.

Closeted: A person who is keeping their LGBTQ s*xuality or gender identity hidden from many (or any) people. At times, being in the closet also means not wanting to admit one’s s*xual identity to oneself. (By the way, how can you announce that you're closeted? Do explain.)

Coming Out: The process of revealing your s*xuality or gender identity to individuals in your life. This is a lifelong and sometimes daily process.

Down Low - Pop-culture term used to describe men who identify as heteros*xual but engage in s*xual activity with other men (WHAT?). Often these men are in committed s*xual relationships or marriages with a female partner. This term is almost exclusively used to describe men of color.

Drag Queen/Drag King - Used by people who present socially in clothing, name, and/or pronouns that differ from their everyday gender, usually for enjoyment, entertainment, and/or self-expression. Drag queens typically have everyday lives as men. Drag kings typically live as women and/or butches when not performing. Drag shows are popular in some gay, le***an, and bis*xual environments. Unless they are drag performers, most Trans people would be offended by being confused with drag queens or drag kings.

Fluid(ity): Generally with another term attached, like gender-fluid or fluid-s*xuality, fluid(ity) describes an identity that is a fluctuating mix of the options available. (Let’s all pretend THAT makes anything resembling sense).

FTM/MTF: A person who has undergone medical treatments to change their biological s*x (Female To Male, or Male To Female), often times to align it with their gender identity. (Sounds a bit like transgender, doesn’t it? Do we really need another word for it?)

Gay: A term used to describe a man who is emotionally, romantically, s*xually, or affectionately attracted to other men. At times, “gay” is used to refer to all people, regardless of s*x, who have their primary s*xual and or romantic attractions to people of the same s*x.

Gender Neutral - This term is used to describe facilities that any individual can use regardless of their gender (e.g. gender neutral bathrooms). This term can also be used to describe an individual who does not subscribe to any socially constructed gender (sometimes referred to as “Gender Q***r”).

Gender Non Conforming - A person who is, or is perceived to have gender characteristics that do not conform to traditional or societal expectations. (Nonbinary?)

Heteros*xism: Norms and behaviors that result from the assumption that all people are or should be heteros*xual. This system of oppression assumes that heteros*xuality is inherently normal and superior and negates LBGTQ peoples’ lives and relationships. (About 8 people on the fu***ng planet fall into this one… apparently).

Homos*xual: A medical definition for a person who is emotionally, romantically, or s*xually attracted to members of the same biological s*x. (Hey! Doesn't this sounds like it covers gay and le***an, doesn't it? Or am I overlooking something? Maybe a man being attracted to another man or a woman being attracted to another woman are 2 completely different things. Sounds like both are a gender attracted to the same gender to me.)

In the Life - Often used by communities of color to denote inclusion in the LGBTQ communities. (Sigh).

Le***an: A term used to describe a woman who is emotionally, romantically, s*xually, or affectionately attracted to other women. (Yea… gay).

Men Loving Men (MLM) - Commonly used by communities of color to denote the attraction of men to men. (Or... gay?)

Men Who Have S*x with Men - men, including those who do not identify themselves as homos*xual or bis*xual, who engage in s*xual activity with other men. (Um..... What?)

Minor Attracted Person (MAP) - We all know what that means. There's another word for it, but apparently it's offensive and not politically correct. FU***NG REALLY??????????

Openly Gay - Describes people who self-identify as le***an or gay in their personal, public and/or professional lives. Also openly le***an, openly bis*xual, openly transgender.

Outing: When someone reveals another person’s s*xuality or gender identity to an individual or group without the person’s consent or approval. (Asshatting seems to fit this one, too. Let’s just call it that).

Pans*xual: A person who experiences s*xual, romantic, physical, and/or spiritual attraction to others regardless of gender identities/expressions or biological property. (So… Bis*xual?)

Q***r: Term describing people who have a non-normative gender identity, s*xual orientation, or s*xual anatomy -- can include le***ans, gay men, bis*xual people, transgender people, and a host of other identities. Since the term is sometimes used as a slur, it has a negative connotation for some LGBT people; nevertheless, others have reclaimed it and feel comfortable using it to describe themselves. (Oh look… a word that a list of other words that cover the same thing. Why is it broken down?)

Questioning: The process of exploring one’s own s*xual orientation and/or gender identity. (Well, ok, then).

Transgender: A blanket term used to describe all individuals whose gender identity does not align their biological s*x. (BLANKET TERM? How do you even break that down further? HOW?!?!)

Transitioning: A term used to describe the process of moving from one s*x/gender to another. (Pre-op!)

Trans-man: A person who was assigned a female s*x at birth, but identifies as a man. (Assigned? As in… homework? Is this multiple choice? Is there an essay section?)

Trans-woman: A person who was assigned a male s*x at birth, but identifies as a woman.

(Can we group those last 2 into one? Would that be the end of the damn world?)

Transvestite - A person who dresses like the opposite gender. (Hey, what if you are a dude who identifies as a woman who dresses like a man? Is that like a trans-transvestite? Let's add that to the list!)

Two-Spirit: Contemporary term chosen by Native American/Indigenous people who identify with a third gender, implying a masculine and a feminine spirit in one body. (😆😆😆😆😆😆)

Women Loving Women (WLW) - Commonly used by communities of color to denote the attraction of women to women. (Or... le***an?)

Ok, that's the list of the ones that a handful of different resources provide. But clearly, I missed some, considering the whole acronym is lgbtqqip2saa.......PLUS.

Now, does this all seem necessary? While I have absolutely no doubt that there are quite a few people who aren't "normal" (which, by the way, there is a flag for in the rainbow community, which looks like sideways prison bars) who legitimately are what they claim they are. But inventing new words for the tiniest of things just so one can join a community that for some reason likes to do parades, fly flags, claim every color in the rainbow, and are sure to announce what they are at every possible opportunity, especially when they know it's gonna either make someone else uncomfortable or will result in worship is absurd. Maybe it has something to do with trying to make the rainbow community bigger. Y'all might wanna be careful, tho. If you become too big, then straight people will become the minority, and then you will have to worship US! And then WE can have parades, our own flag, and all that other jazz. I also think straight people should have their own section in every retail store with clothes announcing how straight we are. I think we should have a month, too. Not really. I don't think there should be any of those things. FOR ANY GODDAMN PREFERENCE! Why can't everyone just do their own goddamn thing, not have to announce what we do between the sheets, and just leave it at that? And I mean everyone, no matter if you're in the rainbow community or not.
You know what I don't have any issues with? People who aren't straight and whatnot. You know what I DO have an issue with? People who think that there should be words for every possible situation, a majority which aren't really even things. Like thinking you can impregnate yourself and have a baby without another person or without a donor. Yea... because that can totally happen... right? The reason why this is in an issue for me is due to the fact that it makes it possible for absolutely anyone to join the rainbow community for one reason or another and be able to be put up on a pedestal.
Now don't get me wrong. I have no cause to believe that everyone in the community wants to be worshiped. But those who fly flags, march in parades, and the like... those people generally do. Not all of them, by any means, but a LOT of them. You don't see a bunch of people flying "I'm Straight!" flags in their yard, do you? Hell, we don't even fly the black and white bar flag that the rainbow community has so lovingly bestowed on us.
Now then, those who are gonna argue with me, tell me how wrong I am, how much I hate certain people, and the like, get after it. I'm looking forward to seeing how many people think I'm a hateful person, how I try to put down certain people, and whatever else people can come up with in order to fight the machine. Or whatever it's called. Really... I am looking forward to it. Every time I rant about something, regardless of what it is, there always has to be a grip of people coming out of the woodwork in order to fire up a "debate". And I'm sure this one will really bring these comments on. Here's the weird thing: there are, what, 3 or 4 people on my friends list who are rainbow community members who won't say a thing. Knowing them, all of them will likely even agree with me. I know that 2 of them will, for sure. Whether they do it publicly, I don't know. Probably not. And I can't blame them. Any time someone in the rainbow community does anything but claim that their community is all powerful and should be worshiped, they get absolutely ridiculed by a vast majority of the rest of that community. Brutally.
So there. There's my rant for the day. Not that anyone is gonna see it before facebook takes it down and puts me in jail. But that's alright. It'll also be on my website here in a day or 2. And I know that a LOT of people read my stuff there. More than on facebook, I'm sure. But I sense that i will be in facebook jail before long. Whether it's because their automods decide that it's hate speech or whether someone reports me, I have no doubt it'll be gone before the end of the day. Especially if it's reported. Because heaven forbid someone express their opinion about something, that opinion offends someone, and facebook automatically has to bow down to them, lest they be classified as bigoted themselves.
And now I'm gonna go to bed. I intend to sleep on my left side, watching tv, with 3 dogs laying on the bed as i cover up with a comforter. Call me a "Fluffernesterquiltophilicentwinedgentlefellow".

10/18/2024

I invented a new programming language. It’s called ChuckScript. It doesn’t look like it makes any sense, but if you start reading it, it’ll all come together.

function tellJoke() {
var setup = [
"A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks,",
"'Can I join you?'"
];

var punchline = [
"Why do programmers always mix up Christmas and Halloween?",
"Because Oct 31 == Dec 25!"
];

for (var i = 0; i < setup.length; i++) {
print(setup[i]);
}

wait(2000); // Wait for laughter

for (var j = 0; j < punchline.length; j++) {
print(punchline[j]);
}
}

function print(message) {
console.log(message);
}

function wait(ms) {
var start = new Date().getTime();
var end = start;
while (end < start + ms) {
end = new Date().getTime();
}
}

tellJoke();

10/10/2024

So, kids, here’s the secret sauce for making commissions on TikTok: whip up some engaging videos for products! Our product ads have snagged anywhere from 15k to a whopping quarter million views. With that kind of engagement, sales practically throw themselves at you!

Getting free stuff from TikTok is the cherry on top—over $5,000 worth from sellers this year alone! Plus, who doesn’t love watching commissions roll in? Some days, we’re raking in a solid $10 in sales, but hey, even that adds up to an extra $300 a month—like finding a $20 bill in your old coat! And let’s be real: this gig won’t replace my day job; it just keeps the lights on and the fridge stocked with snacks.

We’ve had months where we earned close to a grand in commissions, totaling $4,284 this year! Not too shabby for minimal effort: it takes less than 10 minutes to make and post a product video, and you only need to do it once per product. Once posted, those videos keep raking in commissions until the seller runs out of stock or decides to quit the game. Seriously, we’re still cashing in on videos that are older than my last pair of shoes!

So, who’s ready to snag a few hundred bucks a month? I can show you how—no strings attached! If you want to learn the ropes, keep your peepers on this post. I’ll soon be rolling out a page on my website with some hilarious tutorial articles and videos.

10/08/2024

10/04/2024

Surprise, surprise. Here we go again. For the lucky one of you who might read this, I promise it’s shorter than my usual rants, and it’s not near as good either. Just keep scrolling. Most people don’t wanna hear it anyway.

So, let’s chat about those fast food employees striking for $15 an hour. I mean, really? At $15 an hour, our buddy Johnny Fry-Boy would be pulling in a staggering $31,200 annually. That’s enough to buy yourself a decent used car—assuming it doesn’t come with a complimentary scent of desperation from the previous owner.

Now, let’s take a stroll down Comparison Lane. An E1 (Private) in the military, who probably has a bullseye on their back while trying to dodge more than just boredom, makes about $18,378 a year. And what about an E5 (Sergeant) with a solid eight years of service? They’re raking in a whopping $35,067. So, Sally Fry-Slinger, you really think you deserve the same pay as those brave souls risking their lives for your ungrateful butt?

That’s like saying a kid painting whiskers on children’s faces at the carnival should earn what a professional tattoo artist makes. Sorry, Sweetface Whiskers, but unless you’re inking a masterpiece on a biker’s arm, your skills aren’t exactly in high demand.

And let’s not forget the legendary Taco Bell team. You know, those heroes who whip up late-night burritos while simultaneously perfecting the art of dodging the judgmental looks from the guy at the counter. Do you think they should get paid like gourmet chefs just because they can assemble a burrito in record time? Sorry, T-Bell Team Captain, but that’s not how it works. You’re not exactly crafting a Michelin-star dish there.

Let’s spice things up with a Domino’s employee. Sure, tossing dough in the air looks cool, but unless you’re flipping it into a pizza that rivals the Leaning Tower of Pisa, you’re not getting paid like a world-class baker. You’re just a pizza pirate hoping to avoid anchoring in the sea of minimum wage.

And here’s a thought: if you’re working at a drive-thru and your biggest skill is asking customers if they want fries with that, you might want to reconsider your life choices. That job was designed for high schoolers looking to make a few bucks for gas and hang out with their equally goofy pals, not as a stepping stone to retirement plans.

Let’s get real. Not only are these jobs super easy to do, but somehow, they manage to mess things up more than half the time. We’ve got timers, computers, and automated machines doing 90% of the work for them. Yet, even with all that fancy technology, they still can’t manage to get an order right. It’s like watching a dog trying to catch its own tail—lots of effort, but zero results. You’d think with all that automation, they’d at least nail the basics, like putting ketchup on a burger instead of mustard.

And then there’s the math. I’ve noticed people breaking out calculators to multiply $1.99 by 2. Come on, that’s like third-grade math. It’s not rocket science; it’s just simple addition! And heaven forbid that cashier owes you $0.95, and you hand them a nickel to get back a buck. It’s like watching someone trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube while blindfolded. The confusion is palpable. Just give me my change without a panic attack, please.

And maybe we should consider giving those fry-flipping peons raises. Imagine this: nurses, teachers, mechanics, oil field workers, and truck drivers can quit their jobs and join the junior high workforce. Just think about it. They could rattle off orders for the world’s most overpriced chicken nuggets while earning more than they do in their current gigs.

I mean, who wouldn’t want to swap a life of teaching future generations for the thrill of tossing onion rings at a local drive-thru? Sign me up for that dream job. And what about those hardworking truck drivers? They could trade in their 18-wheelers for a sweet gig slinging tacos on a Friday night. Because nothing screams job satisfaction like being the hero who saves the day with nachos at 3 a.m.

If you want to earn a living wage, it might be time to invest in something beyond your minimum skill set. You could become a skilled electrician, where you’re not just connecting wires but illuminating the lives of your customers. Or a nurse, where your gentle touch can save lives instead of just saving someone from a bad case of the munchies. Maybe even an artist who can create something beautiful rather than simply doodling cats on napkins while waiting for customers.

Look, folks, if flipping burgers or tossing pizzas is your lifelong ambition, congratulations, you’ve chosen the wrong career path. You might as well apply for a job at the petting zoo where your only qualifications involve wearing a silly hat while feeding goats.

Here’s a reality check: minimum skill jobs aren’t meant to be careers. They’re for teenagers, college students, or folks between gigs trying to make ends meet, not for adults who think their golden ticket to the high life involves mopping floors at a diner.

So, here’s the deal, Wendy Fryface. If you don’t want minimum wage, then it’s time to level up those skills. Learn to do something other than pushing a button on a cash register or pretending to care about people’s ketchup preferences. Get a degree, learn a trade, or maybe just take a class that doesn’t involve microwaves and pre-packaged meals.

Because right now, it seems like the only thing cooking is your ambition, and it’s burnt to a crisp. If your idea of a career involves putting together value meals, then maybe it’s time for a serious reevaluation of what you want to do with your life. Remember, folks, it’s all fun and games until someone thinks burger flipping is on par with military service. So, who’s hungry for a side of reality with that order?