12/14/2024
🥰Hi There my friends! 😞I wanted to take a moment to share some of my thoughts and feelings with you, as I’ve been struggling a lot lately.
🛑 If you were on last night you know where this is headed.
Last night, during my live session, I passed out unexpectedly. When I woke up, I was on the floor, overwhelmed by intense pain and confusion. This incident made me realize just how much I’ve been pushing myself, trying to balance my health with running my business. It's become harder than I ever anticipated, and I just don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this.😞
I used to be so strong. I could work 60 hours a week without hesitation. I loved working, and I took pride in being the one people could count on. But now, this injury has broken me. I’m struggling, physically and emotionally psychologically and financially. I know there are others who are in worse situations, but it’s hard to ignore the fact that I’ve gone from being a successful RN, wife, mother to my kids and foster children, daughter, sister and granddaughter, and self-sufficient to feeling helpless. U am so angry!🥵
I never imagined I’d be in this position, struggling with finances as I became older, after pouring everything I had into my business. When money finally came through from a mistake made by my accountant, I thought it would help. Instead, I invested some back into my business, knowing
me, I was hell bent this wasn’t going to define me and preserving through it all to come out on top and sell what I put into it. I was hoping things would improve. But it hasn’t worked out the way I expected. We don’t quit and can’t isn’t a word in my vocabulary‼️Determination is and “I will show you I can” is what defines me❗️
I’m in constant pain, numb, paralyzed at times due the nerve damage,herniated discs and fissures and overall my body feels weak. My lungs are exhausted after I came down with pneumonia. I can’t help but wonder if I have a fungal infection in my lungs, and I’m now on oxygen, which is something I never imagined would be part of my life at the young age of 44. I’ve worked so hard to build my life, even earning three college degrees, but now I can’t seem to use any of them in a meaningful way. I’m defeated and lost. I’ve tried everything I can think of, but it feels like nothing is working.
Last night’s wake-up call—waking up on the floor in so much pain—made me realize that I can’t keep pushing through like I used to. I can’t pay my house payment, our insurance doubled. I can’t buy Christmas for my family. I funneled too much money into my business and past due bills when I should have saved that money. But I believed in myself. This wake up call I can’t make ends meet, and I can't keep going like I used to. I need to rest, truly rest, which has always been so hard for me. I thought I could push through and make it work, especially with Christmas coming, but I realize now that I need to accept where I am. I just don’t want to accept that this is my life now. It’s heartbreaking, especially when I think about my sister. She has t inal Cancer. She will never. E cured but she has fought like hell. Us girls don’t stop! We don’t let things define us unless we want them to. She is losing versions of herself right in front of me, and I can’t even go with her to her upcoming doctor’s appointments because of my own health issues. Every time I see her, it’s a painful reminder of how much time I’ve lost. I want to be with her, but instead, I’m stuck in my own bed, unable to do anything for her. I’m suppos f to help her, take care of her, take the burden off of her and her family. I try so hard then I pay for it physically after it.
This will be my fourth Christmas in (acute) now chronic pain, with conditions that limit me in ways I never imagined. All dating back to August of 2021. It’s hard to look at myself and not feel ashamed, embarrassed and let down especially when I see the disappointment in my kids’ faces. I hate seeing them look at me with pity. I want what it once was which was them to be proud of me, to see the woman I used to be—strong, independent, and full of life.
But I’m trying to hold on to faith. I believe that God has a plan, and even though I don’t understand it, I trust that He is preparing me for something. I’ve done everything I can—steroid injections, dry needling, acupuncture, massage therapy, chiropractic care, PT, even infusions—but nothing seems to work nerve stimulators, nerve ablations. I don’t take narcotics or drugs, preferring a more holistic approach with a touch of western medicine. But even that hasn’t been enough. All of that above got me temporarily to convention. But you can’t just keep shooting yourself up with steroids, and orally taking them either. Maybe this is God’s way of telling me to rest, which is something I’m terrible at.
I’m embarrassed that I passed out on my live stream, my body is just too weak. But at the same time, I feel like it was a sign I couldn’t ignore. My body is breaking down, and I can’t pretend like I’m okay anymore. I’ve tried so hard to be the person I once was, but I think I need to listen to my body and take the time to heal. It’s just so hard to accept. Going live gave me a feeling or a version of myself that I could co trip or be independent. I’m just chasing a version of my old self and it is ending up me getting hurt and getting further away from what I once was. I was lucky last night and didn’t break anything. Just bruised and in back spasms. I will heal.
Thank you for letting me vent. I don’t have many people to talk to about all of this, except for my counselor. It’s difficult to cope with all of these emotions, without it making my family have their own emotions about it. They hate seeing me suffer and I hate them see me suffer. But I keep reminding myself that it could be much worse. I know God will provide, but sometimes it feels like a lot to bear. I hope you can understand where I’m coming from. I’m just so damn mad and a bunch of emotions. But mad is one big one!!!
I appreciate you taking the time to read this. I just needed to get these feelings out, and I’m grateful for your support. Wishing you a wonderful weekend. Who knows maybe I will get my family to bring my stuff up from here he bling boutique and go live front bed.
Best wishes,
Katie 💞
