The Court Jester

12/10/2022

"Biden Secures Return of Griner's Ma*****na V**e Cartridge in exchange for release of Russian Hijacking Terrorist"

12/10/2021

“My Pillow’ Founder Announces Release of ‘My Panties’

“My Pillow” Founder Mike Lindell announced a new line of underwear, just in time for the Holidays.

“We are proud to offer not only the softest and highest-quality pillows, sheets, towels and slippers in the world, but now also the finest unmentionables money can buy. My Panties are made from the finest silk spun by spiders that live only in my basement at my home in the great state of Minnesota, and are the only panties that come with a 100% wedgie-free guarantee,” Lindell stated.

Reportedly, “My Panties” retail for $9.99 per pair, but with a special promo code, you can receive two for the price of one.

The undergarments come in a variety of styles for both men and women, and can be customized to have a variety of slogans imprinted on either the rear or crotch area including “Let’s Go Brandon, ” “MAGA” and “Lock Her Up.”

12/08/2021

If our most recent post (from Dec. 8 )came across your newsfeed, please like, comment or share that post if you enjoyed it. I’m afraid no one is seeing our posts, thanks to FB’s policies.

12/08/2021

“TikTok Trend Challenging Participants to Drink Each Time CNN Mentions Trump Turns Deadly”

Experts are sounding the alarm in response to the latest TikTok trend that has been blamed for multiple deaths and hospitalizations across the nation. To date, approximately 16,000 videos have been uploaded to TikTok in which participants are shown watching CNN for 60 seconds, and taking a shot of hard liquor each time the former President’s name is mentioned.

According to experts, a recent study has found that that on average, during any given 60 second window, Trump’s name is mentioned 6.8 times. This fact has led experts to issue dire warnings against participation in this challenge, which will inevitably lead to extreme and potentially deadly levels of intoxication.

CNN President Jeff Zucker was asked to comment on this national health crisis, but was, according to sources, thoroughly inebriated, having just participated in the challenge himself.

11/03/2021

“McAuliffe Loss Blamed on Truck Driver Shortage as Fake Ballots Fail to Arrive on Time”

Richmond, VA

Following the devastating upset in the Virginia gubernatorial race in which Republican Glen Youngkin defeated Democrat Terry McAuliffe, Democratic party officials in Virginia and inside Washington, D.C. are downplaying assertions that the McAuliffe loss should be viewed as a rejection of far-left policies advocated by McAuliffe, or as a referendum on the unpopularity of President Joe Biden. Instead, they blame the McAuliffe loss on a simple yet unforeseeable logistical snafu.

Reportedly, the driver tasked with delivering a truck loaded with fake ballots to Fairfax County, Virginia on election night called in sick at the last minute. Due to the nationwide trucker shortage, combined with “equity” policies implemented by the McAuliffe campaign that required the trucker to be “non-cisgender” and “non-white,” no replacement driver could be found to make the delivery in time.

As a McAuliffe campaign spokesperson put it:

“It’s really a tragedy for democracy. If you look at the 150,000 ballots that were loaded up on the truck ready to go, you will see that 100% of recently deceased Virginian voters voted McAuliffe. You will also see that thousands of Virginians who unknowingly submitted multiple mail-in ballots used all their votes for Terry McAuliffe.”

No word yet on whether the McAuliffe campaign will sue to have the undelivered ballots counted. McAuliffe did have the following to say, however, in response to the delivery debacle:

“I stand with President Biden on his commitment to ensure that the voices of all ‘non-breathing Americans’, and all ‘multi-voting Americans’ are heard.”

10/27/2021

“Internationally-Renowned Artist Commissioned by Chinese Communist Party to Re-Create Sistine Chapel”

Imperial City, Beijing, China

Hailed as a “modern-day Michelangelo,” Hunter Biden has been making waves in the international art community, his paintings hot commodities selling for sums of up to $500,000.00 to anonymous buyers. Biden’s artistic genius has caused some to dub him the greatest artist of the 21st century. But wait for it....

This morning, thanks to the recovery of yet another laptop belonging to Hunter Biden, and an inside source who has analyzed the contents of this laptop, news has broken that the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) has commissioned Biden to paint a recreation of the Vatican City’s famed Sistine Chapel inside Zhongnanhai, the Imperial Headquarters for the CCP.

The imagery will vary only slightly from the original, with images of God being replaced by Chinese President Xi Jinping, and demonic forces being depicted as a collection of Uyghur Muslims and citizens of Taiwan and Hong Kong, led by former President Donald Trump (in the role of Satan).

Biden will reportedly be paid in excess of $5 billion for this massive undertaking. Although it is reported that Biden’s contract requires him to complete the project by the end of 2024, the contract contains a clause for a possible extension until late 2028.

When questioned by reporters in light of this breaking news, Hunter Biden had the following comment:

“Yeah, I am gonna get paid a lot of money, but I’m not greedy. There’s only so much I can spend on crack and hookers. I’ll be setting aside at least ten percent for the Big Guy. The Big Guy...you know, uhh....God and the Catholic Church of course. Who else would I be talking about?”

10/14/2021

Pretty sure our posts are being hidden from most followers newsfeeds by our tech overlords. You can help people to see our content by liking, sharing and inviting friends, or just checking out our page.

10/14/2021

“Batman Comes out as Non-Binary; Will Now Be Known as ‘Bat-Person’”

Gotham City, USA

All eyes are on Gotham City this morning after the crime-fighting “caped crusader” demonstrated heroism, the likes of which could not be matched even if he were to fight the Joker, the Penguin, the Riddler, Bane and Catwoman all at the same time.

From deep within the Bat Cave, Batman, who will now and forever be known as “Bat-Person” came out as “non-binary/gender fluid,” issuing the following live statement broadcast on local networks and online:

“Citizens of Gotham City. I come to you this morning, not as a man, not as a woman, and not as a bat. Rather, I am a mixture of all three, sometimes with some other stuff thrown in, depending on how narcissistic and attention-starved I feel on any particular day. I must be true to myself and to you and let everyone know who I really am, as much as possible while otherwise remaining anonymous and keeping my face covered by this mask. So, here we go: My name is Bat-Person. My pronouns are ‘it’, ‘that’ and (high-pitch sound inaudible to humans).”

Reportedly, Bat-Person prefers to no longer be called the “Dark Knight” but will instead welcome the nickname “Dark Gender-Unspecified Battle Participant.”

09/29/2021

“Taliban Members to Replace Healthcare Workers Fired for Vaccine Refusal”

Albany, New York

Many who once chanted “death to America” will soon be bringing life to America.

New York Governor Kathy Hochul announced Wednesday morning that Taliban members arriving in the U.S. will be stepping into the front lines in the fight against Covid-19.

“These steps are necessary to alleviate the crisis I created in firing tens of thousands of doctors, nurses, and other hospital workers at a time in which our hospitals are overwhelmed because of the pandemic,” Hochul stated.

Several thousand Taliban members are said to be in route from Afghanistan, joining the tens of thousands who have already arrived in recent weeks as refugees. Jobs within hospitals will be assigned based upon prior training and experience. For Taliban members who have not been vaccinated, no problem: all claims for a religious exemption under Sharia law will be granted.

One Taliban member, hired to work in a New York City hospital cafeteria, had the following to say regarding his transition to the U.S.: “You know, I am overall happy to be here. I do of course have concerns about the racism, sexism, homophobia and transphobia permeating American society. But still, it does feel nice to be able to p**p indoors and to take a break from dodging land mines and bombs being dropped from the sky. I will do my best to make sure that the food I serve is safe and not contaminated by a variety of poisons or deadly pathogens.”

In order to alleviate questions as to whether these Taliban members have renounced their hostile views toward America, each Taliban member will be asked to sign a pledge to not engage in any acts of Jihad against the U.S. or its citizens, unless in doing so they are protesting systemic injustice or American imperialism.

09/24/2021

“Border Patrol Under Fire for Horse Flatulence Directed Toward Migrants”

Del Rio, TX

Days after startling images were released depicting border agents on horses using reins to steer said horses while in the proximity of illegal immigrants near the Mexican border, some agents are now also being accused of allowing their steeds to expel smelly gases in the general direction of these same migrants.

“Here we have these cowboys, riding around on these white supremacist horses, that seem to love nothing more than to cut the mustard right in the faces of people of color. This is totally unacceptable inhumane treatment, and there should be an immediate investigation,” said Rep. Maxine Waters (D-CA).

Reportedly, this scandal, dubbed “Fartgate,”was the final straw for the Biden Administration, which has ordered the withdrawal of most horses from the border, with the exception of a few smaller less gaseous beasts, to be used only for free pony rides for immigrants awaiting processing.

09/23/2021

“Bank Robbing Gang Supports Continued Mask Mandates”

Sacramento, CA

California Governor Gavin Newsom has received support for his continued universal mask mandates from an unlikely source: a bank robbing gang known as “Robinhood’s Merry Men.”

The gang has thus far eluded law enforcement despite being suspected in nearly a dozen armed bank robberies in the greater Sacramento area. Through an untraceable Twitter account, their spokesman tweeted the following late Wednesday night:

“Thank you Gov. Newsom for keeping the people of California safe from C*v*d with your mask mandates, and also for helping us rake in large stacks of cash! Back in the day, guys walking into a bank with sunglasses, a hat and a face covering would raise immediate red flags. But now, we can walk in without alarming anyone, grab lots of cash, get outta dodge, and keep our identity concealed. We strongly encourage Gov. Newsom to remain firm in his commitment to fight C*v*d, and to support the California bank robbing industry. ”

Reportedly, a posse of train robbers, along with a notorious “peeping Tom” have also expressed their support for continued universal mask mandates in the Golden State.

09/03/2021

“Hulu Announces Pilot for Texas-Based Spin-off of ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’”

Hollywood, CA

Streaming platform Hulu announced Friday that it has completed production of a pilot episode for a spin-off of the wildly successful series “The Handmaid’s Tale.” The show, titled “The Handmaids of Texas” follows the lives of five young low-income single women who experience an unplanned pregnancy and find to their horror that they cannot kill their unborn child.

The pilot episode focuses primarily on a character named Chastity Jackson, a 21-year-old waitress from Houston who learns she is pregnant by an unknown father following a drunken weekend in Las Vegas.

Upon learning of her pregnancy, as she had a dozen times before, she arrives at the local branch of Planned Parenthood for her abortion. But she arrives to a dystopian scene: The abortion clinic is permanently closed, with windows and doors boarded up and a notice posted on the door stating “Welcome to the New Republic of Texas. Abortion is now permanently outlawed. Governor Greg Abbott.”

Despondent about her lack of resources necessary to pay medical bills or to raise a child, Chastity posts a rant on Tik-Tok about her plight. In response to her post, a sympathetic friend who happens to be a social worker pays her a visit. This friend informs Chastity that under Texas law, she is entitled to free medical care throughout the pregnancy, and also that the child will be fully covered after birth. She learns about a myriad of government benefits available to her that would allow her to work and pursue higher education while raising the child. Chastity also learns from her social worker friend that there is a waiting list of families ready to adopt her child immediately if she is not ready to raise the child herself. But none of this made Chastity feel any better.

The scene turns dark and dramatic after Chastity is faced with the reality that, not only can she not execute her unborn child, but there is also no moral or practical justification for her to do so. Just before the credits roll, Chastity chops off her hair with a dull steak knife, dons a long white and red robe, pulls a hood over her head, turns off the lights, and locks the door to her apartment.

08/26/2021

“Vaccine Denounced by Media after Donald Trump Dubs Vaccine ‘The Trump Vaccine’.”

Cullman, AL

Former President Donald Trump, at a massive rally Tuesday evening in central Alabama, took credit for the development of the COVID-19 vaccine, announcing to an adoring crowd that the vaccine will now and forever be called “The Trump Vaccine”.

“I’ve just got to tell you, and I hope the fake news is listening. This Vaccine...it is so great. So great. I mean, it is really just so great. What else can I say? And I had people say to me, they said: ‘Mr. President, you’ve got to get this vaccine done, and you’ve got to get it done fast. And I said, ‘Challenge accepted. Challenge accepted.’ And in just a few short months, we accomplished the greatest miracle of the modern era with this beautiful vaccine. So beautiful. It really is. We love the vaccine. We love it. It’s totally safe and it works great. And you know what they should call it? The Trump Vaccine. The Trump Vaccine. That’s what we’re gonna call it from now on,” declared the former President to a roaring crowd that began chanting “TRUMP VACCINE! TRUMP VACCINE!”

Overnight and into early morning, “Trump Vaccine” was the number one topic trending on every major social media platform. In a stunning reversal, the media wasted no time in aggressively denouncing the vaccine and urging vaccine hesitancy.

“You really have to wonder at this point whether the FDA’s approval of this experimental vaccine was pre-mature,” said MSNBC “Morning Joe” co-host Mika Brzezinski. “I mean, the data we are starting to see suggests that the vaccine is not as effective as we thought it would be, and there are reports of some alarming side effects”. This sentiment was echoed on other major media outlets including CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

In other news, pharmacies and clinics all across the nation this morning are reporting unprecedented numbers of Americans, many in MAGA attire, waiting in line to get the Trump Vaccine.

07/30/2021

“Masks Worn by Elementary Kids Used in Science Experiments”

Bowling Green, KY

One elementary school principal has developed an innovative use for cloth masks after they have been worn all day by K-5 grade kids: using them to grow colorful cultures of bacteria in petri dishes as science experiments.

“After a full day of being worn by children, we have found that these cloth masks are covered in multiple body fluids, including snot, spit, sweat, and occasionally vomit or even f***l matter. Masks, especially ones worn by kids, are an excellent breeding ground for every type of bacteria imaginable. In all honesty, they should be thrown in a HAZMAT bin or burned. Rather than do that, however, we can kill two birds with one stone and use them for fun science experiments,” stated Stacy Ladd, principal of East Warren Elementary School.

“These masks not only protect kids from Covid-19 by getting clogged up with so many other germs that the virus can’t go through, but now can be repurposed for educational use,” said science teacher, Jeanette Rowe.

In updated news, the CDC is now investigating the possibility that a new variant of Covid-19, said to be found primarily in boogers, can be traced to the East Warren Elementary science lab.

07/23/2021

“FBI Receives Oscar Nomination for ‘Best Production’ for its Role in Staging January 6 Capitol Invasion”

Hollywood, CA--

Hollywood is buzzing today as nominees for Academy Awards were announced earlier this morning. Although these awards are typically reserved for actual films, the nominating committee was so impressed by the FBI’s orchestration, staging and production of the invasion of the Capitol building on January 6, 2021, it made an unconventional decision to nominate the FBI for the highly-coveted award of “Best Production.”

“I mean, it may not have been an actual movie, but many the events of January 6th were captured on video, with many scenes going viral and being replayed daily on CNN and MSNBC. We see no reason to not treat this footage like any other film or documentary”, one committee member stated.

CNN anchor Don Lemon praised the nomination stating, “There is no more deserving candidate for this nomination than the Federal Bureau of Investigation. The way they were able to infiltrate the crowd, entrap Trump Supporters into entering the Capitol Building, ensure that there was a sparse security presence, and pull off this amazing triumph for the advancement of the Democratic Party’s agenda is absolutely Oscar worthy.”

In other news, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has been nominated as “Best Supporting Actor” for her fake indignation and outrage at the events of January 6, along with her uncanny ability to play dumb as to the reasons that increased security requests prior to January 6th were repeatedly denied.

According to some sources within the FBI, a sequel may be in the works.

07/20/2021

“Facebook to Censor Claims that the Vaccine Works, and Also Claims that the Vaccine Doesn’t Work”

Early Tuesday morning, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerburg announced his renewed commitment to censor information regarding the Covid-19 Vaccine deemed false or misleading by the Democratic Party, following increased pressure by the Biden Administration. This also comes on the heels of conflicting information as to the actual effectiveness of the vaccine, after at least five fully-vaccinated Texas Democratic lawmakers contracted the virus while unmasked on a crowded private jet, later spreading the virus to a fully-vaccinate aide to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

“The problem is,” Zuckerburg lamented, “we can’t allow posts that suggest that the vaccine is effective, because that suggests that we shouldn’t have more lockdowns and mask mandates. As everyone knows, you can’t usher in Socialism and Totalitarianism without total government control over people’s lives.”

“But,” Zuckerburg continued, “we also can’t be having people post things suggesting that the vaccine doesn’t work, because that would undermine forced vaccination efforts, and again, undermine the Biden Administration’s totalitarian agenda.”

“So here’s what we are gonna do folks!” Zuckerburg beamed. “We’re gonna censor it all. The vaccine works great, as we all know. But it also apparently doesn’t really work, as we all also know. Both are false, because they are both true, and that makes both claims false and misleading disinformation.”

Following the press conference, Zuckerburg was reportedly spotted googling “Can I get un-vaccinated?”

07/19/2021

Re-posting this one from a few months ago for newer viewers, and in light of current developments.

“Biden Administration Recommends ‘Double Plastic Bagging’ For the Un-Vaccinated”

In accordance with new CDC recommendations, the Biden administration rolled out new guidelines for Americans who have opted not to get vaccinated. “These Americans are putting the rest of us, who are fully immune from Covid-19, at risk of dying from Covid-19,” stated Jen Psaki, White House Press Secretary.

Psaki added, “We are committed to following the science, and science tells us that the best way to ensure the safety of all Americans, is if the un-vaccinated utilize the ‘double-bagging’ method when outdoors, in public, or driving a car.”

“It’s really easy to do,” Psaki added, as she pulled a life-size blow up doll of former White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany from behind the podium for a demonstration. “You place one plastic bag over the head, and then you place another one. You have to be sure there are no holes in the bags, or else the virus might escape. Then, you take something like a belt or rubber band, and put it around your neck tightly to hold the bags in place.”

Psaki continued, “Then, you squeeze and you squeeze and you squeeze....” as a loud “pop” rang out and blow-up Kayleigh McEnany collapsed to the floor. “See, it’s totally safe,” Psaki concluded.

07/14/2021

“President Biden Vows to End Voter Suppression of ‘Non-Breathing’ People”

Philadelphia, PA

In his speech Tuesday afternoon from the National Institution Center in Philadelphia, President Joe Biden vowed to fight discrimination against dead people, whom he suggests should be called “non-breathing people,” who are currently denied the right to legally vote in most states.

“Here’s the deal: Everyone, whether you are poor, white, gay, breathing, or not breathing should have the right to vote. It’s absolutely unconscionable that today, in the year 2031, we are denying people their constitutional right to cast a ballot just because they are six feet underground, or maybe like my Aunt Betsy, their ashes are in an urn. Or maybe we don’t know where they are because they got blown up or eaten by alligators, or uh, you know, the thing. Come on, man!” Biden stated.

Biden further declared: “We stand with the thousands of non-breathing people who courageously stood up to voter suppression efforts by illegally voting for me and President Harris in, uh, whatever year that was. I will not rest until all pulse-impaired Americans are able to exercise their constitutional right to vote Democrat.”

Off camera, Biden told reporters that, dead or alive, he intends to vote for himself in 2024.

07/13/2021

Hmm. This sounds a little like our post from this morning. They say imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. 😉

07/13/2021

“Texas Governor Tricks Democrats Into Leaving the State”

In what is being hailed by Texas GOP leaders as a “brilliantly executed 4-D chess move,” Texas Gov. Greg Abbott managed to convince more than 50 Democratic members of the Texas House of Representatives to leave the Lone Star State for an indefinite period of time simply by proposing legislation they don’t like.

“Did you see what I just did?” Abbott quipped, while bursting into uncontrollable laughter. “I know they will probably eventually come back if we stop having special legislative sessions, but right now I am really just enjoying having a break from those whiny little babies.”

Reportedly, Gov. Abbott and GOP legislators have been living it up in the absence of their Democratic colleagues. Many have been seen in the Texas state house going mask-less, wearing MAGA attire, ordering mass quantities of takeout from Chick-Fil-A, and blasting NEWSMAX at full volume from the break room.

06/29/2021

“Statue of Violent Oppressor Defaced by Peaceful Protestors”

Brooklyn, New York-

The nationwide trend that has seen vandalism or destruction of statues depicting individuals alleged to be perpetrators of oppression, such as George Washington, Christopher Columbus and Abraham Lincoln continued earlier this week as demonstrators, exercising their right to engage in peaceful protest, spray-painted the bust of a man known to have been a violent oppressor of women.

A spokeswoman for The National Organization of Women (NOW) hailed the defacement of this statue as a “victory for women’s rights,” stating: “This man was a known abuser of women, including the pregnant woman he robbed while holding a gun to her abdomen, threatening to kill her precious unborn baby if she resisted. For this man to be memorialized with a statue is a slap in the face to all women...I mean, sorry...birthing people.”

A member of the local chapter of BLM had a different take however, stating: “Yes, George Floyd was a flawed character, but tearing down or defacing statues accomplishes nothing. We should not be trying to erase history by tearing down statues, unless the statues are of old white dudes.”

NOW responded to BLM by suggesting a compromise: relocating the statue of the controversial figure to a museum for the sake of “preserving history”.

06/16/2021

“Biden Accidentally Gives Putin U.S. Nuclear Codes”

Geneva, Switzerland

Things got tense moment this morning at the meeting between President Joe Biden and Russian dictator Vladimir Putin, after Putin responded to Biden’s assertions regarding Russia’s history of human rights violations by pointing out the evils of American society from systemic racism, homophobia, transphobia and the epidemic of gun violence.

Flipping through his notecards, unable to find one that contained an appropriate response, President Biden challenged the dictator to a push-up contest, to which Putin readily agreed. During the struggle to complete one full push-up, one of Biden’s note cards fell out of his shirt pocket and was picked up by Putin’s bodyguard.

“You can keep it, Vlad,” Biden stated, after catching his breath. “Consider that a little m—m—memento of the time I almost kicked your butt in a contest of strength.” Putin’s cold stare transformed into a subtle grin as he took the card from his bodyguard, read it, and put it in his pocket. As it would turn out, this was the same card on which President Biden had hand-written the U.S. nuclear codes, just in case he needed them while he was abroad.

Realizing later in the day the grave mistake he had made, Biden made the following statement directed to the Russian dictator

“Mr. Gorbachev, tear up that notecard!”

06/14/2021

“Gov. Andy Beshear Offering “Jelly of the Month’ Subscriptions to Bankrupt Business Owners”

Frankfort, KY

Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear clearly sympathizes with the thousands of businesses, ranging from restaurants to nail salons, that were bankrupt and permanently closed due to the Covid shutdowns he mandated via executive order throughout 2020 and the first half of 2021.

In a startling move hailed as an “incredible act of bravery and generosity” by his cheerleaders in the Lexington Herald-Leader, the Louisville Courier-Journal and the Kentucky Education Association, Beshear announced a new executive order sure to bring relief to the thousands of families that are destitute, often homeless, as a direct result of his policies.

“Every single owner of a business that I bankrupted will be eligible for a one-year subscription to the ‘Jelly of the Month Club,’” Beshear announced with great pride.

“Just go online to www.KYJelly.org to apply. Download a copy of your photo ID, if you are white, and a copy of your vaccine card, and you can soon be enjoying from your car, motel or homeless shelter a new and delectable variety of jelly each month,” Beshear added.

06/08/2021

“Armed Security Stationed at Home of AOC’s Abuela to Thwart Further Aid Attempts”

Just days after refusing $100,000.00 in aid generated by a “Go-Fund-Me” campaign initiated by conservative podcaster Matt Walsh that would have lifted NY Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s grandmother (known affectionately as “Abuela”) out of squalid living conditions, AOC hired armed security to be placed 24/7 outside of Abuela’s Puerto Rico home to deter any further aid attempts.

“I mean, what is the world coming to when I can’t even exploit my own Abuela’s poverty to promote a socialist agenda because evil conservatives keep trying to provide her with financial assistance? THIS ENDS NOW!” AOC tweeted late last evening.

This move comes after AOC briefly traveled to Puerto Rico this weekend by private jet for a photo-op with Abuela, and encountered what she described as “more do-gooders who are probably Republicans” attempting to deliver to Abuela a box containing a home-cooked meal and cookies.

Describing the incident with lots of arm-flailing motions and channeling her best impression of comedian Andy Samberg, AOC exclaimed, “And you know what I did? I threw it on the ground!”

06/03/2021

“GLAAD Announces That All 7 Deadly Sins Will Receive a Month of Celebration”

Not wanting to alienate those who regularly engage in the six other seven deadly sins of greed, lust, envy, gluttony, sloth and wrath; “pride” being the only deadly sin to have its own month, the LBGTQ++ activist organization GLAAD announced this morning that months celebrating all seven mortal acts of iniquity will soon receive official designation.

A spokesperson (gender unspecified) for the organization stated: “We haven’t decided for sure which month will get which sin yet. We are pretty sure November will get gluttony, due to Thanksgiving. We may just end up drawing numbers out of a hat on the rest. We definitely want to send a message of affirmation to each person who chooses to indulge in soul-damning acts of rebellion against God.”

05/26/2021

“Wiki-Leaks Announces Merger with Wuhan Institute of Virology”

In a surprising development, Wiki-Leaks founder Julian Assange announced early this morning that the international non-profit organization known for leaking classified information will be moving its headquarters to the Wuhan Institute of Virology (WIV) in Wuhan, China, as part of a merger of the two organizations that will be known as “Viki—Leaks”.

“You see what we did there? We took 'Wiki' and combined it with 'Virus' and got 'Viki,' Assange quipped in a video posted online from an undisclosed location.

“But seriously, this partnership feels like a natural fit. Both we and the Wuhan lab are all about the leaks. They leak deadly viruses under the auspices of the Chinese Communist Party. We leak sensitive and classified information. Both can have catastrophic results, but both are being done in the belief that the greater good is being served,” Assange continued.

Naturally, Assange, along with all Wiki-Leaks executives and employees are prohibited from leaking information about alleged Chinese Communist Party corruption, under the penalty of torture and death. “That wasn’t really a sticking point for us. Even if we wanted to expose corruption that may or may not exist within the CCP, it would immediately be buried and discredited by the mainstream news media. So, no biggie as far as I’m concerned,” Assange concluded.