11/21/2024
Hello fellow dullies! I did a rather un-dull thing yesterday; I got a tattoo! I suppose it could be argued either way about the dullness of such a thing, but the meaning of the very act was quite symbolic for me, and I wonder if it resonates with anyone else.
Growing up I belonged to a family, specifically a father who held really strong beliefs about tattoos. Namely, that “they are bad”, “they are trashy”, and “they go against what the bible says about honoring your body”….I really could go on and on. I know subconsciously I felt as though if I ever were to do such a blasphemous thing (sarcasm), I would surely be a disappointment to my Dad. So for most of my life, I adopted a belief about myself, an identity if you will, that I was a person who “just didn’t like tattoos for myself, even though for other people they are okay”. Truth is, I actually DID like tattoos, and wayyyy deep down inside of myself, I kinda always wanted one. But, letting that thought come alive just wasn’t safe. So I buried it down for years and years. I struggled through most of my twenties and thirties in really awful relationships, ironically to men who had lots of tattoos. I never got one despite the acceptance of them all around me. I honestly dared not even think about it. Looking back, I realize now that the ways I was made feel small, insecure, and unsure of myself in my relationships created fear in me about ever doing something risky that would change my identity, or my thoughts of myself…like getting a tattoo, it’s permanent ya know?! In some weird way, I held onto this narrative that my unmarked skin somehow gave me a little more worth, at least in my dad’s eyes, and he was one of the only people I’d ever been able to count on.
Fast forward to almost 4 years ago. I met a man. A man who has been the definition of loving. He is my safe place. We are able to talk about anything, even when we disagree. I don’t ever feel as though I have to make myself small with him or fit myself into some narrative or box in order to be worthy of love. In fact, he encourages me to be my most authentic self. It really feels safe for me to be exactly who I am in every way. So….I finally got a tattoo. The one I’ve dreamt of for years but couldn’t dare act on. The one I’m sure my dad feels disappointed in, but I have decided that I’m okay with, I still love him. The one that makes me smile every. single. time. I see it in the mirror, because it symbolizes a life being lived for ME and no one else (and I think its pretty).
For those of you still reading. Thank you. I hope that you have moments in life that you feel like the most authentic and most unapologetic YOU possible. Life if too short to live for anyone else.
