Let's Talk About Suicide

09/26/2024

A picture from our biggest adventure together. On this day 8 years ago.

09/22/2024

The leaves are changing. I noticed as I was driving home. We are back at fall. Your favorite time of the year. Pumpkins, Halloween, leaves crunching, crisp mornings, and summer dying. Which means it has now been three whole years since you left us. The world is different now in so many ways and not just because you are gone. It didn't seem possible three years ago, but the world is going on without you here....

The leaves are changing. I noticed as I was driving home. We are back at fall. Your favorite time of the year. Pumpkins, Halloween, leaves crunching, crisp mornings, and summer dying. Which means it has now been three whole years since you left us. The world is different now in so many ways and not....

07/23/2024

Grief is sneaky. It gets you when you least expect it. There are moments where you feel your world is finally starting to look better and then you walk into one of the triggers of grief.

Grief sometimes finds you when you least expect it, for me it appeared when on my birthday trip to Port Gamble and Poulsbo.

06/19/2024

In grief, it is easy to get so bogged down in the ickyness that we forget a lot of the great things that came from the person missing in our lives. Kody taught me some of the most valuable lessons of my entire life. I don't want to lose that in talking about grief, depression, and su***de. Part of embracing grief is looking at these gifts and appreciating them....

In grief, it is easy to get so bogged down in the ickyness that we forget a lot of the great things that came from the person missing in our lives. Kody taught me some of the most valuable lessons of my entire life. I don’t want to lose that in talking about grief, depression, […]

06/19/2024

Happy Birthday! My heart is aching today and im having trouble finding the right words, but I couldn't let your birthday pass unacknowledged. I miss my copilot in this adventure called life. You are so loved and so missed. ❤️

06/09/2024

Tell me why June is never a picnic. But since you aren't here to tell me, I'll tell you. Each time your birthday approaches, I can't breathe. Each time I see a year that should have been marked go unmarked, it hurts. I want to scream at you for not being here. For bailing. But I can't blame you when I know what you were going through....

Tell me why June is never a picnic. But since you aren’t here to tell me, I’ll tell you. Each time your birthday approaches, I can’t breathe. Each time I see a year that should have been marked go unmarked, it hurts. I want to scream at you for not being here. For bailing. But […]

05/19/2024

I want to smile again, without feeling guilty.
I want to miss you, without coming undone.
I want to celebrate your life,
without my heart breaking.

If there’s a good side of grief,
I’ve yet to reach it. It’s not getting any easier. Time isn’t helping. Some days I feel as if the pain deepens.
The roads ahead seem longer without you walking them beside me.
It’s like I’m resistant to joy.
Pushing back against my own happiness.
I’m afraid that healing means forgetting,
and I’m not ready to leave.
Let me sit here for a little while longer.
There are things I needed to tell you
that I never got the chance to.
Things you deserved to hear....

I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for not doing more.
If it was possible to bear your pain,
I would have.
Even when distant, my world was better because you were in it.
I was always proud of you.
My love for you is constant,
unconditional, eternal.
There are pieces of you I’m discovering in me. Little gifts you unknowingly left behind.
Even your absence is filled with moments worth revisiting.
Maybe instead of learning how to live without you, I’ll just bring the best of you with me.
Maybe we're not meant to move on,
we're meant to move with.

J. Raymond
"Best of You"
From The Kindred Project: Vol. II
*Available now for pre-order.

📸 credit: Brenna

03/03/2024

Found safe.

02/18/2024

12/31/2023

It seems we have reached the end of the year yet again. Another year of grief during the holidays. I feel like it is getting easier, but perhaps that is because there is so much more to grieve this year. The rawness of grief is gone. I can breathe again when I think about you and all the memories that we made together....

Another year of grief during the holidays and I can't help but reflect on all that you are missing and all that we are missing.

11/12/2023

I meant to write a post yesterday in honor of Veterans Day. I meant to write all about how Veterans Day is not just about honoring those who served but those who gave their mental health for the cause of having a standing military in this country. An estimated 22 veterans a day lose their lives to su***de. Frankly, that pi**es me off....

While many get to enjoy Veterans day as a long weekend, for me the day continues to be a reminder of my grief and loss.

10/01/2023

When it comes to talking about grieving, sometimes it feels easier to talk about the sadness, the woe is me moments, and the very normal parts of grief . One of the things that seems to be missed, even when I look at my own blog is the joy. Now, you might say where are you finding joy in grief? Bizarrely, the joy is everywhere in grief....

When it comes to grieving, most don't think about the joy in grief, but it is there waiting to be discovered.

09/22/2023

Nothing could have prepared me for su***de loss. It's been two years without Kody. Two years too long. That is two years since I've heard his laugh. Two years without his smile. It still surprises me that the world continues on without him. Such a loss surely should have meant that the world would pause. Yet the days rush by and they continue to rush by....

Two years on from su***de loss, have I healed? The question is laughable, as there is no way to heal this wound.

09/10/2023

Today is World Su***de Prevention Day. You are not alone. The world still needs you. You are more valuable than you'll ever know. Call 988 for help. Be your own advocate. I know it is so challenging to break through apathy, but its the path to reclaiming your life.

Kody, I miss you so much. I love you. I wish you were still here with us. Kiss the kitties for me.

To everyone else, I plan to continue writing as soon as life is back on track. Personal tragedy and mental health has prevented me from writing since January. My CD project is slightly derailed as all the CDs were lost in the house fire, but I am coming up with ways to move forward.

01/24/2023

I spent a lot of time thinking through what the best way to begin this project would be. I haven't spent any time in the last year and a bit listening to music up until now. Picking out which CD to start with was intimidating. In the end I picked one at random. The CD is called Inhuman Rampage by Dragonforce....

Now that I have started my journey of listening to Kody's CDs, I have found the way that music and memories go hand in hand.

01/15/2023

Sometimes it feels like my mind is out to get me. During the day I have a fairly good understanding of the fact that Kody is no longer here and will in fact never be here again. But at night, when my brain is free to dream, it loves to make up comforting realities that aren't true. Just when it feels like the five stages of grief have ended, I dream my way…...

When I dream of Kody, I am reminded that the five stages of grief are not at an end, they continue throughout years.

01/06/2023

While the first part of this blog focuses on my personal struggles with my best friend's su***de, I'd like to do some more reflection this year. My first year and three months of grieving have been mainly focused on distracting myself from grief. I have not lived 2022. I have only survived it. For 2023 I want to work on moving forward, living more, and bringing more joy to my life....

One of my goals for the new year is to listen to the music in Kody's CD collection to embrace the next stage of my grief journey.