08/28/2024
Going It Alone
Solo parenting is no walk in the park, but the life lessons are priceless.
BY ANNE GOSHDIGIAN
Being a parent is a mixed blessing. Children, from babies to teens and beyond are a heavy responsibility that requires unconditional love—that’s the easiest part that comes naturally to a mother or father. The rest of it is a heavier lift: teaching responsibility and accountability, instilling good values, making healthy choices, stressing kindness and compassion, life-building experiences, and a huge laundry list of other teachings that start in the home that parents hope will follow their child throughout its life. You know the saying “It takes a village...” , and that village includes family members from siblings to grandparents and other trusted people who can have a positive impact.
But what about a single parent who shoulders all of the above? A working person who is responsible for everything related to the child and the home without a support system to ease the load? The two-parent family has an advantage, and it is considered to be the ideal. Most of us likely know one or even several single mothers. In certain societal/cultural groups it is common for relatives to pitch in and pick up the slack when it comes to childcare, and that’s a blessing. Here in Hartford, for years now there has been a significant number of grandparents who are raising their children’s children for a variety of reasons. Even with their love and care, a generation gap of 50 or more years requires time and attention from the aging caregivers that can be overwhelming and tiring. It’s good to know that there are state and local entities that offer support for them.
Yet when it comes to single fathers who have sole custody of their child or children, it’s a different story. Until not very long ago, it was rare that a father was granted full custody of his offspring, even if the mother was dealing with serious issues that prevented her from giving her child/children sufficiently competent care. But now there has been a rise nationwide in households led by a single dad. In 1960 it was 1% and is now 20%. With that comes a stressful situation. Single fathers don’t have a second income to fall back on in case of job loss, medical emergency or other financial catastrophes. They may not have as much access to credit as partnered-parent families, especially if both parents have good credit. Single fathers don’t have the same flexibility with childcare. In short, single fathers have more limited options, and when you’re trying to raise a kid, that is incredibly important.
I was a single parent to my two sons, born 14 years apart. It required being good cop/bad cop at times in order to keep them on the “right” path. As each of them reached puberty, I was the one who gave them the “talk”, not an easy thing for a mom to do, and probably somewhat cringe-worthy for them to hear. The older one who lives in Colorado is now 50 with two teens, a girl and a boy, and blessedly with their mom also in the house. The younger one is 36, living in Maine, and is a single father with custody of his 4-year-old son. His life has done a 180 now, but he’s doing a great job as a single dad. He’s happily made sacrifices in order to nurture and raise his boy using all I mentioned in the first paragraph. He gave up his own favorite pastime—playing competitive pool in tournaments around New England, as well as a couple of beers with the guys. He enrolled his son in an excellent pre-school after a search through several , even at the rate of $200 a week. He started his own full-time business as a carpenter, builder, and remodeler and is doing well. After work and school, he dedicates the evening to the child—cooking meals with healthy foods, playing games, creating art, reading aloud to him, and more. And on the weekends, it’s all about dad and son time, happily exploring nature, building things, shopping, visiting libraries, museums, playgrounds, beaches, and special exhibits. Their bond is rock-solid. Not long ago, he told me he took his parenting cues from the way I raised him as a single mom, a moving tribute.
