The Rocky Mountain Oyster

The Rocky Mountain Oyster Colorado's most fact-checked news source.

“How Casa Bonita goes, so goes Pepto Bismol,” said division senior manager Todd Nelson. “Pepto Bismol could have never r...
04/22/2021

“How Casa Bonita goes, so goes Pepto Bismol,” said division senior manager Todd Nelson. “Pepto Bismol could have never reached the heights we did without the historic post-Casa Bonita brownout.” https://rockymountainoyster.com/pepto-bismol-announces-layoffs-due-to-end-of-casa-bonita/

As a result of Colorado landmark Casa Bonita filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy on Monday, Procter & Gamble plans to lay off approximately 50% of their Pepto Bismol division.

Local strip club Fantasia’s finds itself in an awkward transition between daycare and strip club now that COVID-19 restr...
04/16/2021

Local strip club Fantasia’s finds itself in an awkward transition between daycare and strip club now that COVID-19 restrictions are beginning to lift. https://rockymountainoyster.com/strip-club-turned-daycare-in-awkward-transition/

COMMERCE CITY, CO – Local strip club Fantasia’s finds itself in an awkward transition between daycare and strip club now that COVID-19 restrictions are beginning to lift.  When lockdowns began last year, Fantasia’s owner Kimmy Learner had to find a way to make money to keep her club open. “...

Self-proclaimed “Dog Mom,” Ashley Miller, says she made a big mistake by voting for the reintroduction of wolves into Co...
04/05/2021

Self-proclaimed “Dog Mom,” Ashley Miller, says she made a big mistake by voting for the reintroduction of wolves into Colorado. https://rockymountainoyster.com/denver-dog-mom-regrets-voting-for-wolf-reintroduction/

DENVER, CO – Self-proclaimed “Dog Mom,” Ashley Miller, says she made a big mistake by voting for the reintroduction of wolves into Colorado. Miller was enjoying brunch alongside her Pomeranian, Sprinkles, in her urban backyard when the unthinkable happened.  “It was a typical Saturday morni...

All eyes were on Governor Polis, who surprisingly took home the heralded “Golden Bolo” award, given annually to celebrat...
03/26/2021

All eyes were on Governor Polis, who surprisingly took home the heralded “Golden Bolo” award, given annually to celebrate Colorado’s meat marketer of the year. https://rockymountainoyster.com/governor-polis-wins-meat-marketer-of-the-year-award/

DEER TRAIL, CO – Every spring from all across the state, members of Colorado’s agricultural community come together for the Colorado Livestock Association Annual Gala. The event celebrates the year’s industry accomplishments and includes an awards ceremony. Some of the more popular award categ...

According to local middle school gym teacher Simon Kurd, affectionately called “Mr. Turd” by his students, he recently h...
03/12/2021

According to local middle school gym teacher Simon Kurd, affectionately called “Mr. Turd” by his students, he recently had his “best idea since dropping out of school.”

https://rockymountainoyster.com/area-middle-school-laptop-costs-up-7200-since-introduction-of-zoom-dodgeball/

ARVADA, CO—According to local middle school gym teacher Simon Kurd, affectionately called “Mr. Turd” by his students, he recently had his “best idea since dropping out of school.” “Two words,” declared Kurd. “Zoom dodgeball. I was so sick and tired of the rest of these teachers being...

A misplaced post on an online Colorado motor racing forum sent two subcultures colliding on Wednesday. https://rockymoun...
03/08/2021

A misplaced post on an online Colorado motor racing forum sent two subcultures colliding on Wednesday. https://rockymountainoyster.com/confusion-over-drag-race-at-bandimere-speedway/

MORRISON, CO—A misplaced post on an online Colorado motor racing forum sent two subcultures colliding on Wednesday.  Tracks, Denver’s oldest and largest gay nightclub, has long held an annual “drag” race to help promote fitness and competition in the community. The event features dozens of ...

On Tuesday, Polis announced the creation of an elite-level security force called the Safety Squad. The purpose, accordin...
02/23/2021

On Tuesday, Polis announced the creation of an elite-level security force called the Safety Squad. The purpose, according the governor, is to identify and handle those who don’t obey his orders. https://rockymountainoyster.com/governor-polis-creates-safety-squad-to-enforce-remaining-covid-restrictions/

DENVER, CO—After nearly a year of what many believe to be excessive COVID-related restrictions, Coloradans have been eager to start gaining their freedoms back from the government. Colorado Governor Jared Polis, however, showed this week that he is not ready to surrender his control over the peopl...

"I was calmly leaving with my [expletive] groceries when at least two dozen [expletive] uniformed jackbooted girl scouts...
02/13/2021

"I was calmly leaving with my [expletive] groceries when at least two dozen [expletive] uniformed jackbooted girl scouts stepped up on me with an offensive posture, clearly intent on taking me down,” https://rockymountainoyster.com/tay-anderson-recovering-from-hate-crime-involving-uniformed-jackbooted-girl-scouts/

DENVER, CO—On the heels of his incident at Denver Health Medical Center on Sunday, DPS board member Tay Anderson has once again claimed he is the victim of racism—this time outside of his neighborhood King Soopers grocery store. In a profanity-filled social media video post, Anderson recounted h...

“To be an effective leader, it is really important to put yourself in their shoes,” the mayor shared as he waved over a ...
02/10/2021

“To be an effective leader, it is really important to put yourself in their shoes,” the mayor shared as he waved over a butler to refill his mojito. https://rockymountainoyster.com/aurora-mayor-spending-week-in-mansion-to-better-grasp-plight-of-the-one-percent/

AURORA, CO—Mayor Mike Coffman made waves recently when it was revealed that he had lived for a week undercover in Denver and Aurora disguised as a homeless man. During that week, Coffman stayed in shelters and encampments with the goal of gaining a better understanding of the circumstances surroun...

"We can automatically re-route ideologically-sensitive individuals away from Republicans to ensure they don’t risk the u...
01/29/2021

"We can automatically re-route ideologically-sensitive individuals away from Republicans to ensure they don’t risk the unimaginable consequences and emotional harm that comes with encountering someone with dissimilar beliefs.” https://rockymountainoyster.com/google-maps-update-introduces-new-show-republicans-feature-to-protect-users-feelings/

Tech giant Google rolled out an update earlier this week to both the desktop and mobile versions of its popular navigation app, Google Maps. The iOS App Store description states the update “Fixes minor bugs, improves app performance, and eliminates the necessity for critical thinking skills.” Th...

He arrived today toting everything he says he needs to have a productive first day. https://rockymountainoyster.com/bide...
01/21/2021

He arrived today toting everything he says he needs to have a productive first day. https://rockymountainoyster.com/biden-wastes-no-time-settling-into-oval-office/

WASHINGTON D.C.—While it may be weeks before incoming U.S. President Joe Biden and First Lady Jill Biden get fully moved into the White House, he arrived today toting everything he says he needs to have a productive first day. Among the belongings Biden was observed carrying into the office were a...

“This is not even close to what I asked for. Santa’s system is rigged.”
12/28/2020

“This is not even close to what I asked for. Santa’s system is rigged.”

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Ellie Sommer had been looking forward to Christmas all year. Despite several tantrums throughout 2020, the four-year-old was confident about her status on Santa’s nice list going into the holiday season. After all, with COVID shutdowns, most of her meltdowns occurred in the pr...

"Santa's carbon footprint is comparable to that of an ‘89 Ford F-450.”Merry Christmas from the Oyster.
12/24/2020

"Santa's carbon footprint is comparable to that of an ‘89 Ford F-450.”

Merry Christmas from the Oyster.

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Many of the details surrounding Santa’s annual trek across the globe to deliver presents has remained a mystery. One of the bigger questions—just how Santa powers his sleigh—appears to have been solved by experts at the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD). ....

"Mississippi here I come!"
12/20/2020

"Mississippi here I come!"

DENVER, CO—Mayor Michael Hancock came under fire last month when he hopped on a plane shortly after tweeting to urge his fellow Coloradans not to travel for the Thanksgiving holiday. He apologized and said he learned a from the experience. In fact, Hancock held a press conference today to share hi...

As if the D.C. commute wasn't long enough.
12/16/2020

As if the D.C. commute wasn't long enough.

WASHINGTON D.C.—Visitors and Members of Congress alike were shocked as they were met with extremely long lines upon arrival at the Capitol Building this morning. Tempers flared as employees’ start times came and went, meetings needed to be rescheduled, and Capitol tours were cancelled, all while...

“I can shut down churches just by clicking on this tab. It’s that easy!”
12/13/2020

“I can shut down churches just by clicking on this tab. It’s that easy!”

Governor Polis Enables “Auto Renew” for Colorado’s Mask Mandate December 13, 2020 · DENVER, CO—Exhausted by having to manually extend Colorado’s mask mandate each month, Governor Jared Polis logged into the “Governor’s Dashboard” section of the state’s website and set the mandate ...

“It wasn’t until my daughter pointed to the sky and yelled ‘Doggies!’ that we realized what was happening.”
12/10/2020

“It wasn’t until my daughter pointed to the sky and yelled ‘Doggies!’ that we realized what was happening.”

Wolf “Drop Zone” Miles Off Target, Sends Terror Through Colorado Town December 2, 2020 · CRAIG, CO—A pleasant November afternoon at Woodbury Park took a rapid turn after a pack of gray wolves literally descended on the festivities. After landing and quickly chewing through their parachute lin...

Californication is now on the Secret Menu.
12/10/2020

Californication is now on the Secret Menu.

California Celebrates Major Milestone in Takeover of Colorado December 9, 2020 · SACRAMENTO, CA—Over a decade ago, California initiated an ambitious plan to take over Colorado and render it indistinguishable from California. The latest milestone was successfully achieved with the recent opening o...

"It was just really good to hang out again and talk about what new restrictions we can put on other people to help slow ...
12/10/2020

"It was just really good to hang out again and talk about what new restrictions we can put on other people to help slow the coronavirus spread.”

Denver Mayor Joins Fellow Dem Leaders Over Beers to Discuss Imposing New COVID Restrictions November 29, 2020 · SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Denver Mayor Michael Hancock was back in the air again on Saturday as he flew out to California to meet up with several fellow Democrat leaders from around the nation....

Ruh-roh.
12/10/2020

Ruh-roh.

Disgraced Dalmatian Issues Public Apology After Video of Blackface Incident Surfaces December 6, 2020 · LONDON—England’s favorite doggy dad found himself in hot water this week after a shocking video appeared on social media. The video, confirmed to be authentic, was recorded in the early 1960....

“To keep our tent entrances clear of urine and f***s, residents are now required to defecate right over there.”
12/10/2020

“To keep our tent entrances clear of urine and f***s, residents are now required to defecate right over there.”

Denver’s Urban Campers Form HOA to “Prevent Neighborhood From Going Downhill” November 22, 2020 · DENVER, CO—Fed up with unsanitary conditions, the haphazard placement of new tents, and incessant screams of profanity, “residents” of a homeless encampment in Denver’s Capitol Hill neigh...

Sounds legit.
12/10/2020

Sounds legit.

Trump Claims Own Homemade COVID Vaccine “Over 200% Effective” November 18, 2020 · WASHINGTON D.C.—Pfizer recently announced that the company’s COVID-19 vaccine, developed in conjunction with German company BioNTech, has shown to be 95% effective in trials. Meanwhile, Americans are also enco...

“I just think it’s so rude that the servers won’t even smile at us.”
12/10/2020

“I just think it’s so rude that the servers won’t even smile at us.”

Waitstaff Tips Down Nearly Forty Percent as Diners Say Servers Refuse to Smile November 15, 2020 · DENVER, CO—Park Hill resident Debra Jones and her husband, Gary, have always enjoyed dining out. She says that with so many great restaurants in Denver, their biggest problem is just deciding which ...

Eye watering.
12/10/2020

Eye watering.

Denver Police Welcome Fall with Pumpkin Spice Tear Gas November 11, 2020 · DENVER, CO—Each year, as the leaves begin to fall and the temperature begins to dip, Denverites are reminded that fall is upon us. And we know what means—it’s pumpkin spice season. And while Starbucks may be in their 1...

"We don’t know who is responsible for that haircut, but we repeat, it is not us."
12/10/2020

"We don’t know who is responsible for that haircut, but we repeat, it is not us."

Great Clips Vehemently Denies Hickenlooper’s Claim of Being ‘a Regular’ November 1, 2020 · DENVER, CO—At a campaign event in Pueblo, former Colorado Governor and Senate hopeful, John Hickenlooper declared, “I’m a normal, everyday Coloradan just like all of you. I like a good burger and ...

So excited about the results, the entire Bureau marketing team got generous bonuses.
12/10/2020

So excited about the results, the entire Bureau marketing team got generous bonuses.

U.S. Bureau of Land Management Head Thrilled to See Campaign Taking Off October 28, 2020 · WASHINGTON D.C.—Like many government entities. the U.S. Department of the Interior’s Bureau of Land Management has struggled to keep the brand fresh and exciting throughout the years. “Everybody’...

"At the sight of deodorant, they scattered like rats. It was wild.”
12/10/2020

"At the sight of deodorant, they scattered like rats. It was wild.”

Antifa Rioters Scatter When Police Deploy Soap, Water, Deodorant October 21, 2020 · DENVER, CO—For several months now, antifa mobs have protested, rioted, and vandalized downtown Denver. In fact, many members of the far-left militant movement have been living on the city’s streets, causing them...

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