The Clawson Digest

The Clawson Digest Real news stories I made up on the toilet

PHOTO COMING TO US LIVE FROM OUR FIELD PHOTOGRAPHER USING HIS MOTO FLIP PHONE
05/12/2024

PHOTO COMING TO US LIVE FROM OUR FIELD PHOTOGRAPHER USING HIS MOTO FLIP PHONE

05/04/2024

MANDATORY ATTENDANCE TO DavidLand Roadside Attraction BEGINS TOMORROW MAY 4TH

BLAIR MEMORIAL LIBRARY REVEALED OPERATION DEWEY DECIMAL, A MASSIVE SUCCESS.
04/25/2024

BLAIR MEMORIAL LIBRARY REVEALED OPERATION DEWEY DECIMAL, A MASSIVE SUCCESS.

AVAILABLE AT THREE CATS, DOWNTOWN CLAWSON.
04/14/2024

AVAILABLE AT THREE CATS, DOWNTOWN CLAWSON.

LIVE ON 732 HIGH ST!!! THIS NEW LEMONADE BUSINESS IS SET TO REVIVE THE CLAWSON BUSINESS SECTOR.FAILURE TO PURCHASE LEMON...
04/14/2024

LIVE ON 732 HIGH ST!!! THIS NEW LEMONADE BUSINESS IS SET TO REVIVE THE CLAWSON BUSINESS SECTOR.

FAILURE TO PURCHASE LEMONADE WILL RESULT IN EXILE FROM CLAWSON.

WITH A JAW DROPPING 3+ CONFIRMED KILLS PER NIGHT, JAXSON (AKA JAXSONATOR) IS A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH. JACXSON IS CU...
04/12/2024

WITH A JAW DROPPING 3+ CONFIRMED KILLS PER NIGHT, JAXSON (AKA JAXSONATOR) IS A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH. JACXSON IS CURRENTLY DEPLOYED IN CLAWSON, PATROLLING THE CITY AND ELIMINATING RODENTS. DO NOT INTERFERE WITH HIS WORK.

04/06/2024

LOCAL MAN FORGETS HE RUNS NEWS PAGE

"Clawson Shares!" has released a new patch update that prevents users from exploiting the infinite money glitch after a ...
06/03/2023

"Clawson Shares!" has released a new patch update that prevents users from exploiting the infinite money glitch after a man was caught reselling shelves, ironically giving away his own dignity for free.

Which is kinda smart but also an insanely lame way to make your neighbors dislike you. Can you imagine being kicked out of a free stuff group on the internet?

BREAKING!! The Clawson Digest is here to sell out just like a real news outlet! Now YOU can don the logo of the most FAM...
06/02/2023

BREAKING!! The Clawson Digest is here to sell out just like a real news outlet! Now YOU can don the logo of the most FAMOUS news rag in all of Clawson! And not just shirts either. We've got mugs, buttons, stickers, phone cases, hats, and more. And all for 20% off for a limited time only!!

Visit the link to see our merch! Be sure to click "View this design on 40+ products"!

https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/The-Clawson-Digest-Logo-by-ngarlock/146409040.GDEN5?ref=explore-for-you-recently-viewed

GOT THE SCOOP ON A HOT STORY? SEND IT IN!You too can contribute to the landfill that is this news rag! All you have to d...
05/27/2023

GOT THE SCOOP ON A HOT STORY? SEND IT IN!

You too can contribute to the landfill that is this news rag! All you have to do is send us your scoop and we'll take a look!

What qualifies as a scoop? Anything happening in Clawson that is mildly interesting that we can exploit and exaggerate of course!

In a stunning act of micropen*sery, a local resident vandalized a neighbor's lawn with w**d killer."This is what zero p*...
05/27/2023

In a stunning act of micropen*sery, a local resident vandalized a neighbor's lawn with w**d killer.

"This is what zero p***y does to someone, honestly," said one local resident.

"BARRK BARKRK BARK WOOOF AAWOFOOF WBARK ABORKRM BARK WOOF BOOF BBANARK BARKRK AWWOOF ABARKRJRUDYYWVSHhababvzvsggevvxnjxn...
05/11/2023

"BARRK BARKRK BARK WOOOF AAWOFOOF WBARK ABORKRM BARK WOOF BOOF BBANARK BARKRK AWWOOF ABARKRJRUDYYWVSHhababvzvsggevvxnjxndns" - Waffles, 1 year old of Clawson

Clawson Auto sales recovered their stolen EV! The vehicle was abandoned after DTEs totally reliable infrastructure preve...
05/11/2023

Clawson Auto sales recovered their stolen EV! The vehicle was abandoned after DTEs totally reliable infrastructure prevented the EV from reaching full charge for the thief's getaway.

"Look, I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for DTE and their meddling poor infrastructure in this city. Am I thief? Absolutely. But with the rates DTE's been charging, wouldn't you say they're the real crooks? When I get out, I'm coming for DTE." - Thiefy McTheivington wrote to us from the city jail.

In the mean time, we urge our viewers to show mcTheivington the morally correct way to live by buying as many vehicles as you can from Clawson Auto Sales.

House Of Barbeque continues their mission to show their city just how many ways they can beat their meat. But not everyo...
05/10/2023

House Of Barbeque continues their mission to show their city just how many ways they can beat their meat. But not everyone is enjoying the show. Lucky for them, their meat tastes just as good as it is to play with! Stop in this weekend and let us know your thoughts!

*** IN ALL SERIOUSNESS: IF YOU SEE THIS VEHICLE CALL CLAWSON PD IMMEDIATELY***Sources say a Chevy Volt was stolen from C...
05/10/2023

*** IN ALL SERIOUSNESS: IF YOU SEE THIS VEHICLE CALL CLAWSON PD IMMEDIATELY***

Sources say a Chevy Volt was stolen from Clawson Auto sales by a Caucasian woman in her 50s with pink hair. It is believed the will turn up once the thief realizes they've stolen a Chevy Volt.

You can help Clawson Auto Sales by buying me a new car.

Ryan Goosling, long time resident of Clawson, was severely injured after a wind gust blew him over. He has not experienc...
05/02/2023

Ryan Goosling, long time resident of Clawson, was severely injured after a wind gust blew him over. He has not experienced this scale of weather since moving from Clearance, Meijer.

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MANDATORY ATTENDANCE TO DavidLand Roadside Attraction BEGINS TOMORROW MAY 4TH

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